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Text of the page (random words):
r t to watch his baby die and that he s permitted to say that it s a struggle to enjoy c s birthday and i find myself bending down so that my nose is almost touching the plates in an effort to avoid hearing how amazing we are and how our courage is an inspiring tribute to r if i lean down far enough perhaps i can sink into the dishwater and participate in this conversation from beneath the suds where the blobs of ketchup bob about enjoying their final moments of existence oh to be a blob of discarded ketchup i stayed dry and i mostly bit it back here s what i didn t say i neither need nor want unsolicited advice admiration or commentary on my chosen method of grieving my dead daughter but if you re really into unsolicited advice i have some for you there are very few acceptable things that you can say to a grieving mother or father about their dead baby if you don t want to make the effort to find out what they are don t hover about near the sink on some sort of emotional fishing expedition r can be anything to me that i choose i can cope with her death and this eternal ache and missing any way i want to i don t really give a fuck about how it makes anyone else feel other than t a nd i ll be goddamned if he has to justify his feelings about r to anyone as is my way i defaulted to silence i am a viking when it comes to silence eventually it got uncomfortable enough that i found myself alone in the kitchen with my dishes and my sponge and my fervent desire for an extremely loud automatic dishwasher these dishes need to soak for a few minutes anyway i rinse the soap from my hands and wipe them on the hem of my t shirt i want to show you something we go upstairs where i tap on the window that faces the backyard i have to concentrate to remember the pattern it s been a while but the window stretches and transforms into a solid door my companion is impressed is this a closet you re so lucky our house doesn t have nearly enough storage we step through there isn t a light in here because i don t really need one i pick my way around the clutter by memory eventually our eyes adjust to the darkness and we can both see the cupboard sitting in the furthest corner of the room it s smaller and much fancier than most of the others lining the walls there s some dust clinging to it but there are also footprints in the dust on the floor and some handprints on the door i ve been been here a few times over the summer she tries the door you won t be able to open it i touch the pull and the door swings wide releasing a puff of glitter and revealing shelves bursting with photo albums and notebooks sparkly headbands and fluffy white stuffed toys tumble onto the floor she picks up a photo album and opens it to the first page there are some photos that look double exposed a birthday party c s 6th birthday party but there are two cakes and two yellow haired girls missing a total of 6 teeth shadowy images of a bounce castle are fading away and being replaced by two little girls holding hands and ice skating what is this oh i thought that c should have the party at one of those inflatable jump places but she wanted to ice skate the pictures change a little bit to match reality and that s r yes what s in these albums over here she gestures to a stack of uniformly sized and shaped translucent books just take a look she opens one and sees a double wedding c s partner has no face but r s looks almost exactly like the boy who took me to the senior prom i make a note to try again on that one we could keep going there s a whole stack of christmas photos in here and first days of school and matching halloween costumes there are journals that i d never read anyway because r intended them to be private there s a sweater that she loves that s just the wrong color on her and a photo of the scar from that time that c bit her r holds a grudge just like my mom she finds a photo of her son reluctantly posing on our couch he is 11 and sandwiched between two beaming 4 year old girls his cousins adore him she picks up the picture and smiles can i have this one i take the picture and place it back on the shelf these are mine if you want some you re going to have to make your own i have no idea how i m supposed to feel or what i ought to do with myself 6 years out but i thought i d put something here for anyone who is still hanging around after the demise of reader i hope you are all well happy belated birthday r and c i love you the most posted by tracyoc at 8 28 am 4 comments monday february 11 2013 what to expect part 2 t and i decided to get married a couple of years before my dad died on the down side this means that we haven t had much time together without some sort of traumatic horribleness unfolding before us on the upside it means that t got to witness first hand the fumbling tangle of chaos that was my father i could probably have one of those sorts of blogs that leads to a book deal if i just wrote about my dad s various hilarious brushes with death anyway the particular event that came to mind today happened during one of our visits to my parents house shortly after our wedding my mom t and i were all sitting in the room that we always called the family room but would probably be called a den by most people when our conversation was interrupted by a thud and a shout of pain from the bathroom at the time dad was about two years post cancer diagnosis and given that melanoma tends to be a pretty aggressive and speedy killer we probably all assumed that he was suffering from some sort of spontaneous mass organ failure we all jumped up to rush to his aid but he emerged from the bathroom looking enraged and rubbing his shoulder apparently he had attempted to remove a cobweb from the ceiling while standing on the toilet seat the toilet seat slipped out from under him and he wrenched his shoulder when he tried to grab onto the wall to break his fall my dad was a seriously scary looking guy t isn t here at the moment to confirm this but i think he d acknowledge that he was intimidated by dad and because fear and worry and discomfort can addle one s brain t listened to dad s story and immediately burst into what can only be described as the giggles when i m up early on a saturday walking the dog to the park or sorting the laundry while everyone else is still asleep i examine the space that r occupies in my mind and heart poke poke prod prod it springs right back like a fully baked cake the contents aren t warm and delightful all the way through but it feels like they are what they are going to be plenty of sadness for my girl but held together with what feels mostly like love and happiness for the experiences she has given me for me grieving my daughter was like falling from a height in some sort of ridiculous fashion just like my dad with his toiletladder tm incident all of my attempts to slow my descent or to gain understanding from the fully upright just made things worse as soon as i let myself plummet straight down with no regard for how things ought to be i could see how things were going to be this isn t intended to be self congratulatory it took me a couple of years and many hours of reading blogs and interacting with y all to realize that i could only get on the path of least resistance if i stopped resisting i could grieve r without endangering c i could take a day off from work without risking a permanent departure from normal doings i could stop berating myself for the various ways i failed at pregnancy and motherhood i could go on berating myself for the various ways that i failed at pregnancy and motherhood and stop berating myself for berating myself i could just accept all of my failings and strengths without putting too much store in any of them i probably could have just invoked terms like grace and acceptance to explain all of that but i figured that i owed you a story about my dad and a toilet when it is not a quiet saturday morning and i m sitting at work instead of sorting the laundry i examine the empty space upon which i will build my future and find it uneven and inhospitable i used to speak the language around here i could go into a job interview full of ideas and convey drive and desire but now that i don t want things anymore i find myself fumbling answer the questions when it s a saturday night and i m chatting with a few other mothers while our kids play i examine my parenting decisions and see the space between us was i really so sad that i couldn t have snuck some kale into a smoothie like that other mother would it be helpful to explain how i maintain my patience with c by remembering how much i miss her dead sister why aren t the lessons of toiletladder universally applicable i feel like i have a handle on the internal world of daughter death what i need now is a practical guide for everything else i ve toyed with this idea before but the more time passes the more i think it would be helpful to have a resource does it already exist if so go ahead and give me the link in the comments if not can we start working on it do you have suggestions for maintaining work grief balance stories about crying in your cubicle do you have questions about going back to work or changing jobs if you have living children do you have pointers for or cautionary tales about fitting in with the other moms at work or at kindergarten pick up are there other areas we should cover like health and fitness or financial issues are we ever going to get those my baby died business cards posted by tracyoc at 1 05 pm 3 comments saturday december 15 2012 worth the sun came up today and i can hardly believe it yesterday a bunch of kindergartners went off to school in the morning they were all c by the afternoon 20 of them were lost forever just like r it s just like that a tightrope that runs right through the divide between joy and despair and you never know when you ll fall off the wrong side i am so angry and bewildered and heartbroken for the children and their parents and siblings and grandparents and the teachers why why how it is a long road that those families face now they will learn the true meaning of words like never and forever for the first time they will find themselves using words like despair misery agony with no trace of hyperbole and friends you who have seen your babies laid out in the funeral home and gone through the exercise of positively identifying your child ahead of cremation or burial i know that you are feeling every bit of the sadness radiating out from newtown today you are all on my heart this is so so painful my daughter died and it was soul crushing mind numbing world ending sadness but she died from a rare set of medical complications while surrounded by dozens of people working frantically to save her there are people who go to work everyday and try to figure out how to vanquish nec and ttts maybe not as many as i d like imagine if the doctors in the nicu had just thrown up their hands and said oh disease will always be out there it s people who really kill people we just have to move on together and rise above this i understand the concepts of grace and humility i know that we will all die someday and that knowledge is what ought to unite us and strengthen our love for each other but there is a limit to what i m willing to accept there are people who go to work everyday looking for a way to stop the disease that killed my daughter maybe not as many as i would like but it s a start you know what no one is doing no one is out there trying to figure out how to make nec kill people faster or defending its right to exist no matter what the cost 314 million americans and 300 million guns 2 semi automatic handguns 100 rounds fired 6 dead teachers 20 dead kindergartners 1 shooter 20 dead kindergartners add them to the list of other victims of mass shootings in america hell limit yourself to the past two years if you can t remember back further a couple of months ago a police officer in a neighboring town was murdered with a sniper rifle it s inconceivable unacceptable add the number of representatives of the united states swaggering around the world bristling with weaponry acting this life that we share like relationships between humans who love their families and their homes are all living in a reenactment of a fucking john wayne movie i have friends and family members who own semi automatic handguns they say that they will use them to keep their families safe how will your handgun help when it takes a handful of minutes to slaughter your children while they re at school and you re at work or at home folding the laundry how why senseless we talk about rights and distrust of the government and stockpile enough weapons to kill everyone on the planet 10 times over we must do better the sun came up today 20 children will not see it they will never do anything ever again and i just want to ask everyone i can find is it worth it note since i published this post the news outlets have changed some of the information the 20 children were first graders at least 7 of them were murdered with a bushmaster rifle and i read on salon that it s actually 310 million non military firearms for 314 million americans the bottom line however remains the same posted by tracyoc at 6 33 am 10 comments thursday october 18 2012 grit and rambling i ve been composing a post in my head for several days now in response to the stories i hear on the radio that s pretty normal for me i fill up the sink add the soap fire up the radio open a beer and seethe laugh weep while i wash the dishes there s no curtain on the window above the sink i m surprised that the neighbors haven t sent the authorities to come and collect me yet the radio stories are unrelated except that they re about life and you know everything is sort of related when you consider the say it with me now interconnected nature of our existence and the unlimited possibilities presented by our vast and ever expanding universe i know i ll endeavor to get a grip someday or maybe i ll just take up smoking and buy some black turtlenecks the thing on my mind is the future maybe you could call it the unknown or the getting through or the going on it s the thing that can t be imagined when you share your historic tragedy ies with someone and he or she says in response i just can t imagine i m going to veer off on a tangent here because this is a common topic among the grief stricken when the recipient of bad news says it i can t imagine my first reaction is always to think sure you can in fact you re imagining your loved one s cold dead body right now but now that more time has passed i see that all of those people are right i don t think anyone can comprehend what forever feels like until you ve been at it for a few years so i heard several stories last week that made a dent in my brain but two stand out and no i m not going to bombard you with more politics first was the amazing episode of this american life ab...