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nd hopefully will be picked up for distribution at one of them but the campaign clock still has 3 days on it and the filmmakers have set a new goal they would really like to get to 70k that will increase the quality of the editing they are able to do and so should increase the chance of the movie being picked up so if you want to if you are able go take a look at the campaign and if you are inclined join us and as on right now 335 other donors in giving this movie a little push towards the big screen and hey if you have and are inclined to spend the kind of coin that gets you that private screening in your home perk can i count as your friend or family i am not picky posted by julia at 2 11 am 4 comments tuesday february 12 2013 from time to time those of you who still visit thank you thank you for your comments and your clicks i need to tell you about the cub and about the anniversary and i will but i have to say this first a died on a tuesday the last tuesday in january in 2007 that was january 30th this year the last tuesday in january was the 29th two weeks ago today a year has 52 weeks give or take so it was 52 x 6 2 314 weeks ago that my son died the president shall from time to time give to congress information of the state of the union and recommend to their consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient that s from the constitution article ii section 3 as you undoubtedly heard or read in the last couple of days if you ve had electricity and had a news source on for any length of time even with the pope news and the storm news and the madman in la news i am sure someone somewhere has quoted to you the constitutional authority of what is about to transpire in the washington dc in mere hours i will watch it as i watch every one of these whether delivered by the guy i voted for or not it takes conviction to deliver a speech like that well it takes preparation and planning but it also takes a backbone but tonight it is possible that the person with the strongest backbone in the room will be one of the 25 guests of the first lady though i imagine to her that backbone might feel more like a pulsating column of raw pain and anguish i heard her voice before i even knew her name though not before i knew her daughter s name you don t how hard this really is cleopatra cowley said out of my radio this weekend and those of you that do know how hard this is i am sorry i heard her in the way we sometimes hear each other in the way where i could ve finished her sentence ms cowley was on my radio because 312 weeks after my son died mere two weeks ago someone mistook a bunch of teenagers seeking cover from a rainstorm for members of a rival gang and opened fire cleopatra cowley s beautiful fifteen year old daughter hadiya pendleton was shot and killed hadiya had performed at the inauguration just 8 days before and she was killed barely a mile from the president s chicago home details that called national media s attention to one of what is likely to be many hundreds of murders in chicago this year the first lady attended hadiya s funeral which is why my radio was covering it and today just two weeks after her daughter s death cleopatra cowley will sit with the first lady for the speech could you do it two weeks out two weeks out i was barely able to follow a plot of a tv episode let alone a speech could i really get dressed and put on makeup and walk into a room understanding that tv cameras would be there i am not sure but i think that even if i don t exactly grasp how she will do it i have a good idea of why she is doing it two weeks out and for much time after the thing that bothered me more than pretty much anything except for the central fact of a being dead was that nobody knew him nobody knew him and nobody needed to know at the time i thought this to be a unique thing about babyloss that because others haven t met our babies they can safely go about their business unaffected by the world missing the light of our lives now i see it differently most people are not known to most of us and so the passing of most people does not affect most of us but when the pain is yours you just might want everyone to suddenly realize that even if they didn t know it before they too have been robbed by the death of your loved one that their world too has been made smaller and poorer by the passing looking at hadiya s smile it is hard to disagree so presumptuous as it may be of me to think so i think i understand the why of cleopatra cowley s evening and maybe after all i understand the how too perhaps it is another oldie but goodie of the grief experience one foot in front of the other and try to remember to breathe today is also maddy s sixth birth day please stop by and remember with tash posted by julia at 8 49 pm 1 comment wednesday january 30 2013 number sense apparently there is a famous experiment that demonstrates our innate lack of number sense you take a two year old and a bunch of pennies i suppose it can be a bunch of quarters too but pennies are comfortable for little fingers to pick up so you spread the pennies on a table and you sit the two year old nearby and then you ask the two year old whether they could please hand you a penny and they usually do and it is usually one penny then you ask them whether you could please have two pennies sure says a two year old and happily hands you a handful of pennies see they don t really get two yet they understand one and the rest is not one this can be a two year old who can count in order way past two by the way because we say the words to them and they repeat after us but conceptually they are not yet what is referred to as a two knower it takes repetition a lot of repetition for them to get the concept of two you d think that at that point they would also get the concept of three right well if you did you d be wrong a two knower is not necessarily a three knower and it takes again a lot of repetition to turn a former into a latter i tell you this because the cub i recently discovered is still teetering on the edge of three knowing we have this spacial reasoning game that we gave him for his birthday he loves it and over the last many months has made his way through most challenges in the booklet sometimes it s me who s helping him with it sometimes jd and sometimes monkey and she can actually keep to the role of helper letting him figure it out and only asking him leading questions if he gets stuck the whole thing is ridiculously sweet really but anyway he made his way through all but the highest master level by now and at master level it becomes important to pay attention to how long pieces are the cub could from the drawing call a one long piece and a two long piece but the three long one he said it was mmmmm ten long but he can show you three fingers no problem so not a confident three knower yet which helps explain a bit of cub hilarity he loves dinosaurs he s four so that makes perfect sense he also knows that when dinos were around there were no people this makes him feel better by the way and i can see his point because have you seen some of those saurs and he knows that dinosaurs died out and that it was a while after that that first people appeared and all that warms my science educator heart and contains only trace amounts of laughter inducing materials the hilarity reliably ensues however if you ask the cub when all of this went down you know the dying out of dinosaurs and the rest i have only heard him answer that one of two ways he either says seven years ago or six years ago most often it s six because he is not a reliable three knower six must seem to him as reasonable an answer as a billion he understands dinosaurs dying out as a cataclysmic event a tectonic shift and it occurred to me one fine day not so long ago that on the scale of one family our family he s kinda right our cataclysm our tectonic shift our meteorite impact that happened six years ago six years ago today and in a sense it is about to happen again tonight because i am an enormous chicken and because we are human and tend to pain avoidance see i always thought that any subsequent children we d have would grow up knowing about a that it wouldn t be scary because it would be normal and i started out like that with the cub talking to him about a when he was a baby taking him to the cemetery with me one of those visits when the cub was a toddler but no older than 18 months he was standing by the grave and i said something like that s where your brother is and you could see by his face that he was processing that anew and then he looked scared and he started to cry i calmed him down but never took him back again and we ve never talked to him about a since see chicken last year on the birth day the cub was three and a half and was a bit confused by candles monkey still insists and cookies and such but i was pregnant then and i didn t want him to be anxious through the rest of that seeing as he was three and seeing as finds enough to be anxious about already so we distracted him and he let it go he won t tomorrow and so tonight with no margin left we will talk we saw the date from a mile away well from a couple of months back but it d always felt like we had more time this year yahrzeit anniversary on the hebrew calendar fell on last wednesday i thought for sure we d talk then but we didn t lighting the candle with monkey after the cub d gone to sleep i thought he d ask about the candle burning in the middle of the kitchen island the next day but he didn t and so again we didn t talk we had my nephew we will call him bear around here because you know his parents often do for part of the weekend and we were just busy for part of it lame lame excuses otherwise known as life but now we are out of time and out of excuses and even monkey will be home tonight and we will talk ensuing cataclysm and all wish us luck posted by julia at 6 07 pm 5 comments thursday august 9 2012 july bounty the long and winding absence was almost equal parts an unbelievably silly rookie mistake and a little girl who needs to be held upright a lot so she can take her time working out all the details of sharing her sour milk with whomever is doing the holding hint i go through a lot of laundry actually by now it s more the latter the former though did me in for the first two weeks or so of being home rookie mistake you say ah yes and i will tell you what it was because see i am willing to be your cautionary tale even though i am convinced none of you would fall for that one the mistake was and i really can t believe i made it the fourth time around upon returning home from the hospital to confuse the meds working with me actually feeling well enough to jump into the thick of it while lapsing with the taking of the aforementioned meds you know what anti inflammatory drugs are good for turns out reducing inflammation who knew right probably the doctors writing me the script for ibuprofen that i was sent home with and of course every single one of you and theoretically me practically though by discharge physically i felt pretty darned good which is likely why my brain busy processing all the rest of everything forgot to mention to itself that the chief reason for me feeling fine was likely that the meds were doing what they were supposed to be doing so unnecessarily long story short i didn t take the meds for a bit after coming home which made the inflammation worse which then sat me on my ass for a while which actually was extremely uncomfortable for most of that time due to the selfsame inflammation the little girl though is lovely upright holding and curdled milk and all in the picture she is holding the first cucumber of the season which was delicious and a bright spot in the whole aspiring gardner saga yes a post of woe and lament on the garden blighted is forthcoming possibly with pictures what is even sadder than withering tomato plants is the fact that i took and even uploaded the picture above while the month on the calendar was still july which means it was well over a week ago and in that whole time i couldn t find the time to put together a post pathetic what s worse is the state of my reader and a number of tabs my browser has open from i believe all the way back to our first week home i read some posts that week primarily while breastfeeding on a precariously balanced laptop that i wanted to respond to thoughtfully like i said the tabs are still open long live restore all tabs feature hopefully i can get that and the reader taken care of soon because i also have a whole lot to say this time is very different from last time much more different than i expected it to be and it feels important to talk about it all posted by julia at 2 12 am 9 comments sunday july 8 2012 6 31 am she is beautiful we are going home in the morning and i managed to luck out all the way until about fifteen minutes ago on changing a dirty diaper considering how many of those she s produced over the last 44 ish hours i d call that a minor miracle there is much more to say about the delivery itself about the hospital and staff about dr best about monkey and the cub and the fierce and the tender of them towards their little sister and about how all of that feels knowing we are done but i am sleepy and she is fussy needing to be picked up every couple of minutes for the last hour and change and so all of that will have to wait until we get home for now i just need to say thank you thank you for being there for me and with me over the last five plus years thank you for welcoming me back and for hanging in with me over this last stretch thank you or listening and for your words i am having a hard time expressing how much your words have meant to me without sounding like a massive cliche oh screw it cliche or not here goes you have made me laugh which is generally and always welcome but is also somewhat remarkable given the road so far you have made me cry with sadness and recognition and validation of being heard and understood you have abided and i am deeply deeply grateful and oh so sleepy more from home including pictures we have a whole bunch but very few made it off the camera yet posted by julia at 3 19 am 23 comments wednesday july 4 2012 6 years ago this week six years ago last week towards the end of it i was frantic happy too but mostly frantic my hunch from the weekend before that when i suddenly threw up my breakfast only to feel absolutely fine the very next moment proved right i was pregnant so i called my gyn at my regular appointment several months before we d discussed my history and the fact that we were planning to begin trying come summer she d said that while they do not routinely check progesterone levels and don t tend to prescribe progesterone supplementation she understood why i would be nervous given my history and so she would put a note in my file to do these things for me when the time comes ha beca...