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eight million pieces eight million pieces in january of 2005 my son c died then he was born these are the 8 million pieces of my life as i pick them up one by one and now featuring the addition of our second beautiful child bb and his lovely sister e saturday october 02 2010 the final piece well friends i suppose it is time to acknowledge what is happening here or should i say what is not happening here when i came to this space i was still ringing with the pain of loss ever fibre and nerve in my body was vibrating with missing him i ate breathed slept pain it was everything i wrote here in order to skim off the worst of it and put it somewhere it could be contained and confined somewhere it couldn t hurt me anymore somewhere i could read a response that said yes i know it is terrible and unbelievable and unjust and i m sorry when i came here i didn t have real friends anymore i couldn t they didn t know they couldn t help me some of them even hurt me then i started to write here and i made a place for me in the pain some of you came with me to that place some of you were already there and shared a spot beside you it was amazing to have that connection with people who i didn t know but who i knew so intimately thank you today my days are filled with the why and can i and come play of the three year old my nights are broken with that exhausting but all too soon over cry of the hungry infant and five long troubled joyous years have passed i now vibrate with life instead of death to say that i don t need you anymore would be wrong i do need you but in a different way it is enough now to know that you walked with me along this path of grief it is enough now to know that you are out there walking still there is something satisfying about where i am now i have a son who was born 2 years and 3 hours after his brother barely missing a shared birthday i have a daughter who was born exactly 6 years to the day after her oldest brother was conceived we look to the future i know now how i will be living with this thing called grief it sits lightly on my shoulders always present but not always acknowledged today i can bear the weight of it each year i will walk in memory of my boy each time i do i will light a candle for your babies too know that i think of them i didn t think i would want to say goodbye but i do goodbye thank you posted by delphi at 12 24 a m 31 comments monday september 27 2010 for sale i am selling the baby things as they are outgrown it hurts i have always scoffed at the saccharine emotional tears that moms shed when their children outgrow there things now here i am tearing up over every little item we need to get rid of this stuff and we need the money that we will make by selling it it is just so real we are done having kids that is such a loaded statement i have no idea how to convey to you what that statement does to my soul i guess i won t try so in the spirit of selling things does anyone need or know someone who needs a doppler i have one for sale i would love to know that it would be helpful in giving another loss mama some peace of mind includes 2 extra tubes of gel 85 canadian plus whatever the cost for shipping email me for details see i can do it i just don t have to like it posted by delphi at 10 58 a m 4 comments thursday may 13 2010 what happened so here we are i am done procreating i am at the same time thrilled and saddened by that thought it s bittersweet we were scheduled to be induced on may 1st my water broke spontaneously around noon on april 30 so off we went to l d where nothing happened i sat and knit for 4 hours then my ob decided that sitting around was silly so started to augment with oxytocin i slowly dilated at around 9 or 10ish i got my epidural which seemed to destroy the pattern and intensity of my contractions so they turned down the epidural ouch and turned up the oxytocin double ouch around midnight i was about 9 cm then 9 1 2 then got stuck the nurse thought the last bit would go faster so i had my legs up in the stirrups for a long time she kept asking if i had the urge to push and i never did i finally got fed up with waiting it hurt and told her i wanted to push after a couple of false starts i pushed 3 times and she was out it wasn t all rosy we couldn t track her heart rate with the external so had to do an internal monitor on her scalp then towards the end she started to have decels down to about 90 bpm occasionally during contractions the decels were infrequent but scary my husband tells me that the cord was around her neck when she was born slipped off easily she had to be suctioned and was a little quiet at first no idea what her apgars were they didn t say then all was perfect i am so happy she is wonderful it s been really easy so far as easy as life with a newborn could be that is people have asked me if it has been hard to go from one to two kids to care for i haven t found it really hard it takes more effort obviously and life is busier but it hasn t been overwhelming it was way more overwhelming to go from mother of dead baby caretaker of tombstone waterer of memory garden to mother of live baby with needs my expectations of what it would like to be a parent had to go through a major shift from the day i married my husband to burying our first child to bringing home our second this change is so minor in comparison to all that also i am having small struggles with all the perfect family comments boy and girl one of each honestly if c had lived and if we had bb subsequent to that we would probably not have tried for a girl i think both of us only ever wanted two kids potentially only one kid and three would never have been something we tried for so for us if things had gone perfectly we would have two boys our family will never be perfect we can t call it perfection when one family member is gone forever but i will admit it is as near to perfection as we can possibly hope for in the life we lead now so that s where i am today posted by delphi at 3 45 p m 4 comments monday may 03 2010 it s a girl born may 1st 2 22 a m will post more soon sooooo tired sooooo happy posted by delphi at 11 54 a m 11 comments wednesday april 28 2010 post 38w my ob stripped my membranes on tuesday i have had hours long stretches of contractions here and there but no real labour due to the small size of our l d ward 3 beds i have to wait until the weekend for the possibility of induction basically there are people in line ahead of me and i have to wait my turn if it s your type of thing please say a few prayers that i will go into labour asap though i don t actually like the idea of spontaneous labour i would rather that than waiting much longer today this baby is the same gestational age as c was it s going to be a long day posted by delphi at 10 01 p m 4 comments thursday april 22 2010 37 weeks 3 days i don t like this gestational age why because we creep ever closer to 38 weeks 3 days which is my personal time bomb c was okay right up to 38w2d before that there was discussion of induction due to slightly odd bpps we didn t do it he died not that i am going crazy here but there is still no firm plan my ob is going to check me early next week he said he would prefer to use prosteglandin made mention of stripping membranes doesn t want to push things i hope to god that by the middle of next week we are either done or in the middle of labour next wednesday is my personal scary day please don t make me wait i don t like the lack of firm plan though i understand that my ob is just trying to gently nudge my body into labour instead of trying a cold start i just wish i could comfort myself by saying only ___ more days you can make it only ____ more days on the other hand the baby s blanket will not be ready in time each day more brings me closer to at least being half done so ready for this to be over posted by delphi at 10 29 p m 3 comments thursday april 15 2010 36 weeks 3 days i woke this morning feeling wrong at 4 a m i felt slightly nauseous bloated and had an off and on backache with maybe 2 3 contractions per hour it hasn t turned into anything but i feel the type of pressure in my bottom parts that is reminiscent of how i remember dilation feeling so i am confident that i am not in real labour but that i might get lucky and go into real labour in the next week or so please don t remind me that women can experience false labour and dilation for 3 weeks before going into real labour i am trying hard not to remember that what is a little hard to separate is that my only experience with natural labour was with c so i distrust my body i am just very very grateful that this baby is very active and seems to move every time i get a little anxious a very reassuring little baby i just don t like this end part posted by delphi at 10 55 p m 5 comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom about me delphi view my complete profile eightmillionpieces at gmail dot com a little history my garden 2005 been there done that miscarriage stillbirth and infant loss blog directory a glow in the woods nicolas garden certainly not cool enough everything is under control moksha dead baby jokes pregnancy after a stillbirth untangling knots losses and gains fidens fides no matter how small i won t fear love a mending heart accidental housewife ryan was here letters to the babies that lived nate nate roller skate no i will never be over it natalie and julian invisible minority the mad mommy spiraling into control deadbabyblog a nice cup of tea trying to have a baby that lives because i m curious blog archive 2010 18 october 1 september 1 may 2 april 6 march 4 february 3 january 1 2009 26 december 3 november 3 october 2 september 1 august 1 july 1 june 1 may 2 april 1 march 3 february 3 january 5 2008 74 december 2 november 6 october 8 september 5 august 3 july 4 june 5 may 6 april 7 march 9 february 8 january 11 2007 142 december 7 november 6 october 10 september 12 august 8 july 14 june 20 may 9 april 22 march 15 february 8 january 11 2006 139 december 11 november 13 october 14 september 24 august 22 july 7 may 20 april 21 march 7