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no i will never be over it no i will never be over it our first child was stillborn due to a cord accident while i was in the early stages of labor in january of 2003 we went on to have another baby boy in march of 2004 and a baby girl in febuary of 2007 this is my life raising my children that are here while i am missing the one that should be thursday april 17 2008 another broken heart in case anyone is still reading this please keep molly s family in your prayers posted by julie 1 02 pm 1 comments tuesday february 05 2008 happy 1st birthday lauren i can t believe how fast the last year has gone by and how much you changed i love you with all of my heart happy birthday sweet girl posted by julie 8 21 am 8 comments wednesday january 30 2008 sick both kids have their first ever ear infections fun stuff oh and we only found this out after sitting in urgent care for 6 hours on monday i have yet to figure out what the point of having a pediatrician is if you can t get your kids in to see them when they are sick so now both kids are on antibiotics and seem to be feeling a bit better of course it seems like i picked up something in that nasty uc waiting room because now i am fighting getting sick good times posted by julie 4 13 pm 2 comments friday january 25 2008 on a roll now 2 posts in a month assuming this one actually gets posted things have been hectic here lately my pc died so i have lost all of my links etc and i am stuck with dh s laptop which is not the greatest thing in the world dh has taken the hard drive to work etc and even when it was supposedly fixed it was not and now it s sitting here like a giant paperweight i guess waiting on me to decide what to do with it anyway evan started school we ok there is no we it was i started to get a bit worried about waiting it out and trying to get evan into a spot in public 4 k so i decided to ask our playgroup if they knew of any good 4 k s here i got a few recommendations and i decided to call and find out tuition costs etc well one of the schools i called asked me if i wanted to be on their waiting list for the 3 year old class and i said yes totally not thinking anything else about it i got a call about a week later that there was a spot for evan i wasn t planning on putting him in school until fall but this just sounded too perfect it s 2 days a week 3 hours a day so a nice slow transition to school for a kid who has never been left anywhere except when l was born and then he was at our house with my mom he started school thursday and he loved it he didn t need me to stay with him at all and his teacher said he did great i did ok myself i thought for sure i would have a much harder time with it all but really it wasn t so bad i did have a talk with the director of the preschool about caleb i told her that if for some reason he were to say he has a brother i do not want anyone telling him he doesn t not that evan ever talks about caleb but i felt like i needed to tell her about him anyway and so we have made it through yet another huge milestone posted by julie 8 54 pm 0 comments saturday january 05 2008 five years you would be 5 years old today five years old it s absolutely unimaginable i try to think of what you might be like and i can t i didn t get to see your eyes i didn t get to see your smile or hear your cry you feel so far away at this point not a day has gone by where i havne t thought of you my heart was shattered the day you left and has never completely healed my arms still ache to hold you i look at your brother and sister and i see how completely opposite they are from each other and i can t help but wonder how you would have fit in you and evan would have been so close in age but i still think we would have him even if you had lived and it makes me wonder if you would be fighting like cats and dogs or if you would be closer because of it for some reason i imagine you would be calmer and more laid back than evan i picture you with light blonde hair and intense blue eyes just like lauren and evan have i wonder how different our life would be if you were still here it is so hard to believe you have been gone for some long i remember in those first days not knowing how i was going to live a week or a month and eventually a year without you here i didn t know what i was supposed to do with myself i had a child but the only way i could take care of him was by making sure his memorial stone in the cemetary was clean i have your brother and sister now to take care of and they truely make me happy but i am reminded of you with every thing they do you are never forgotten and always very much loved i wish you were here today to open presents and blow out candles i wish i could take pictures of your smiling face i miss you with all of my heart happy 5th birthday caleb i love you posted by julie 8 35 am 11 comments wednesday october 31 2007 yet another holiday without him it never changes i still miss him i still ache to have him here i will smile and i will be genuinely happy while i take evan and lauren since dh is working nights out tonite but it s all bittersweet on the way to get the candy bowl out of my van there was a penny on the ground thank you caleb i needed that and the countdown is on halloween thanksgiving and christmas and his 5th birthday sigh posted by julie 1 44 pm 4 comments monday october 15 2007 october 15th posted by julie 10 09 am 1 comments about me name julie location va view my complete profile links lauren evan and caleb s site blogs i love miscarriage stillbirth and infant loss blog directory and i wasted all that birth control certainly not cool enough to blog deadbabyblog discovering me eight million pieces everything is under control finding wonder in the mundane johannes ghost julian s room keeping the faith life after moksha motherhood and angels nate nate roller skate nicolas s garden ryan was here sisyphus spiraling into control surviving my loss thomas woz ere 2005 trying again when eggs go bad where do i go from here previous posts another broken heart happy 1st birthday lauren sick on a roll now five years yet another holiday without him october 15th quick update attached or detached on anger archives may 2005 june 2005 july 2005 august 2005 september 2005 october 2005 november 2005 december 2005 january 2006 february 2006 march 2006 april 2006 may 2006 june 2006 july 2006 august 2006 september 2006 october 2006 november 2006 december 2006 january 2007 february 2007 march 2007 april 2007 may 2007 june 2007 july 2007 august 2007 october 2007 january 2008 february 2008 april 2008