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Text of the page (random words):
long and emotional journey from losing the first child i loved and raising the second child i love monday february 18 2008 a year overdue wow has it been a long time since i ve posted i think about this blog those of my blogger friend often now that it seems as though everyone is having yet another baby it reminds me even more of what i ve been through the journeys of others here online here s the very quick update on what s going on with me babyk is now toddlerk as she s 22 months old it s crazy to think that i have an almost two year old it seems like really not all that long ago i was pregnant then had her time is going by so fast too fast really she is the most wonderful amazing little person on the earth she s well behaved minus the random tantrums exceptionally smart she knows all the letters and so very cute i take responsibility for that she s healthy happy an all around total joy in my life being a mother is the most rewarding feeling that i can t even begin to describe it s also the most challenging but i like to think i m somewhat good at it sometimes overall things are very very well we have our moments where i think life with a toddler is actually harder than life with a newborn but all in all i m loving every second of it i have to say that as time goes on i can feel the change in myself that happens not only as a mother but as a person i am not the person i was even a year ago i hope it s for the better as the challenges of parenting change i feel i change too right now i m struggling with finding a balance to accept parts of my life the way it is perfection is no longer a word in my vocabulary getting to bed before midnight takes a huge effort on my part eating healthy and not snacking 24 7 takes a lot of willpower planning ect ect ect since this is my blog about my past i do have to say that it s been 3 years since we lost our first baby although time does help heal you never ever ever forget in fact i think as much about our first baby now as i did back when we were going through it all a day doesn t go by that i don t think of him i still miss him very very much being around pregnant women is the nature of the beast these days i m involved with mom s groups and there are dozens of women i know who are pregnant i have friends who have fertility issues friends who ve had miscarriages friends who have one child but cannot have another it s quite a diverse group of mothers i m pretty open about what happened to me most people know although most don t ask my husband still refers to our loss as what happened 3 years ago and not that we lost a baby i should clarify that we do want another baby in a few years i m not a point right now where getting being pregnant is something i could handle i m just not there yet and neither is dh and that s okay with me i was the last of my friends to have baby 1 i ll probably be the last to have baby 2 as well someday we ll be tryingyetagain again i hope everyone is blogland is doing wonderful everyone is healthy and as happy as can be happy 2008 i promise to update more often and check on my friends here more often too posted by amanda at 7 45 pm 0 comments tuesday december 26 2006 the long lost update once i became a mom i became the worst blogger ever i am a totally different person now one that i have to say i like very much and i m very proud of although i haven t had time to blog i think of my blog friends often and check for updates when i can life as mom has finally as i call come full circle things have slowed down some but not really i think by slow downed i mean become my new normal baby is 8 months old which i cannot believe it s hard to think that she won t be this little forever and that i won t always be a new and hopefully overwhelemed mom she is the best baby ever she sleeps 8 12 hours a night eats like a champ and is very happy 99 of the time we had some problems breastfeeding when she was 4 months old and i weaned right after that which was very hard for me but i have to say that it saved my sanity and she was much happier too we ve moved onto solid foods sippy cups and biter biscuits and i m amazed that her first birthday is 4 months away which doesn t seem all that long right now but i can think of times in my life when 4 months make that 4 days was an eternity when jumped on the computer tonight i thought i would visit my before baby blog because today is the anniversary of losing my first baby the day after christmas just two years ago was the saddest and hardest day of my life which started another life changing time for me i wasn t the same person i was just over two years ago and every day i think of the baby boy that should be here with me but who s not and never in a million years would i have thought that two years later i would have an 8 month old baby girl who is here with me and so perfect i don t know why he s not here and she is but they are both so special in my book she because i get to see her every day and he well because he is always in my heart so to my long lost blog friends comment me so i can catch up with you i hope you re all doing well and that life in the last 8 months has been good to you happy 2007 everyone posted by amanda at 6 52 pm 3 comments tuesday june 27 2006 needles are not so bad today baby had her 2 month well baby visit which is funny because she was well when she went in but not too happy when we left she had her shots today 3 of them in the thighs i ve heard horror stories of babies getting thier shots i wasn t sure what to expect but baby did really well she cried and was upset but calmed down and has been sleepy today otherwise i can t complain because it was a great checkup the rundown 11 pounds 11 ounces that s in the 75th percentile she was 8 pounds 13 ounces at her 6 week appt so the doctor was very pleased this also means i am successful breastfeeding woo hoo what a great feeling 24 inches long this is very long and in the 90th percentile dh asked if that meant she d be tall dr m said it s too early to tell but maybe sweet that also means her long torso will out grow all of her cute onesies very fast i had a whole list of questions which of course i left at home so i pretty much asked everything that came to mind sunscreen sure we can use it now as needed bowlegged legs normal being rocked or swinging to sleep time to start trying out putting her down sleepy but we re not spoiling her yet with letting her swing to sleep again sweet she s been sleepy today but doing well and i m surprised i have to say that leaving the doctor s office today i felt proud and that i can really do this it s a great feeling through all the tough times with a newborn it was great to finally feel like i know what i m doing afterall posted by amanda at 7 00 pm 3 comments sunday june 25 2006 the first 8 weeks holy crap i can t believe it s been so long since i ve posted wow the time is flying by things are going much better now honestly the first 2 weeks and then some are a total blur and i can t believe it s only been a month or so since then what a roller coaster parenthood is but i m loving it baby k is 8 weeks old now she is just the cutest thing ever of course i m sure every parent thinks that but it s true ha we re still getting into a routine which how much of a routine can we have at this point anyway but each week is better she s a superstar sleeper and sleeps 4 6 hour strechs at night she s an all around happy baby not too fussy knock on wood and pretty easy to entertain right now i am so so lucky we have her 2 month appt at the pediatrician office on tuesday i have a huge list of questions which i can t wait to ask and she s going to get her first round of shots eeeks i hear it s terrible so i m bracing myself but i m sure once she cries i ll cry too but we will survive i had my 6 week postpartum appt it was uneventful i got the all clear to resume my pre pregnancy activities work and otherwise wink wink ironically two days after my appt i got my period it s weird because as you all know i m breastfeeding and i m on the pill go figure i actually called on thursday to find out what the deal was since my breastfeeding sherpa friends all said they didn t get a period until after weaning so i m wondering what s up but the nurse never called me back sigh and now the boobie update i m happy to report that breastfeeding is going very well i m really happy with it and i m pretty proud of myself pumping however sucks and i hate it i try to pump once a day when i m not at work i manage to pump every 3 4 hours when i am at work and it s such a pain pumping in the car sucks too but it s necessary so i do it although my goal is 6 months of breastfeeding and i m 1 3 of the way there yipeeeee for that i have joined the new mommy s group and it s one of the best things ever to happen to me it s very weird at first like a therapy group but everyone s got a kid we went back the second week and made new friends and now it s awesome i feel like i belong there and everyone s really nice which is great i m pleasantly surprised we also have started going to story hour at the library once a week which was another pleasant surprise me with a baby in a mommy group and at story hour it s all still surreal posted by amanda at 1 12 pm 0 comments monday june 05 2006 surviving w day my short lived maternity leave is over i went back to work on friday it was pure hell but i survived yey me first off i only work part time and i m away from baby friday through sunday i have a screwy work schedule though i travel around so i m not in the same place for more than 2 days in a row i have an unpredictable work day so i never know how many hours i ll be gone i have to drive anywhere from 20 90 miles each way to work but the good news is that i have family to watch the baby i m very thankful for that i was anxious for w day work day my milk stock was small i only had enough milk frozen for two feedings and fresh milk for 4 feedings but i had no idea how much she d drink since she doesn t usually get a bottle so i was ready to supplement with formula as needed i also needed to pump while i was gone which i hoped to do every 4 hours or so but it all worked out it was really hard i had to drive 90 miles each way to work in the rain i had to pump in the car which is just comical i found a nice big open parking lot to pump in which was private except for my first morning pumping session and the employees who worked nearby all parked near me by then i d lost some of my modesty and while pumping in my non tinted window car i just covered what i could and avoided eye contact it was like the first day of school leaving the baby was a little hard but i know it s good for me to get out too and back to work now that i ve gotten through the first weekend i think it s still going to be hard but at least i know what to expect and i know that i can do it baby ended up getting only a small amount of formula and mostly my milk and i was able to freeze what i pumped so i now have a small freezer stash oh i had a blocked duct ouch we got the okay from the pediatrician to let the baby sleep for as long as she wants at night thank goodness she took full advantage and slept from 11pm to 5am the first night good for baby bad for mommy s milk ducts the plug has since gotten better but it s still sore she s doing so well with the sleeping knock on wood she s going from 5 6 hours at night yey otherwise things are going well i m just really happy to be feeling more normal again and like a person rather than a zombie who doesn t leave the house it s a good feeling and i really like being a mom tomorrow we re going to a mommy baby class wish us luck posted by amanda at 2 12 pm 3 comments monday may 29 2006 4 1 2 weeks and 3 1 2 ounces if you had asked me several years ago if i d ever breastfeed i would have said no way i didn t think it was something i could ever do it just didn t seem to be for me so to speak i didn t understand it or its benefits and i just wasn t interested period and then i became a mom i ve said it before but breastfeeding is one of the most difficult things i ve ever done it was hard at first and it hurt it s a huge commitment for time for my nipples for my brain i had a not so nice lacation lady yell at me on baby s day two and i really thought that was it baby girl would latch and not suck and her jaundice made her not wanting to nurse anyway that was just the first day then i entered the land of nipple shields which pretty much make mom s boobies a bottle to get the baby to suck with nipple shields came the breast pump since you have to pump when using them and this was all happening before my milk came in anyway i spent 4 hours with a wonderful nurse on day 3 who showed me how to use my pump i found a great website and got the top of the line pump in style advance before the baby was born it s a good thing she showed me how to use it because i don t know if i would have ever figured it out so 4 hours and a lot of hands on my boobs later i had 2 cc s of colostrum pumped if you don t know how much that is it s a tiny little dot but it was exciting pumping had worked and something came out wow i never thought my breasts could do that i ve had many many breakdowns since that night on a fussy night i thought the baby was still hungry so i pumped to see what i got and i got nothing literally my breakdown that followed was pretty rough as i thought the baby was starving i was sure we d go back to her 2 week appointment and she d have lost weight another night she was cluster feeding which i had never heard of nor knew existed and i thought my nipples were going to fall off we gave her formula which upset me even more although now i don t think it s such a bad thing between breastfeeding and pumping which in itself is a whole other challenge i ve had i ve come very close several times to throwing in the towel but i stuck it out baby girl is actually very good at breastfeeding and we re a team my goal is to make it 6 months i ve spent 4 1 2 weeks now nursing and pumping going back to work is my next challenge when i started pumping i was getting less than 1 2 ounce at a time baby girl needs 3 4 ounces for a bottle for one feeding sigh i really didn t think i d ever make a bottle let alone a whole day s worth of milk i am happy to report that this morning i froze 3 5 ounces of milk that i pumped in two sessions in one day yey i have a long way to go but i m so proud of myself for making it this far and for baby girl she s my partner in this crazy journey and i m doing it all for her sure we might have to supplement with formula on days that i work i only work part time and i have screwey schedule friday through sunday i work away from baby but i m okay with that i feel like i have the best of both worlds she breastfeeds takes a bottle of my milk which i m able to pump she ll take formula and she even takes pacifiers with no confusion at all life is good posted by a...