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natalie julian skip to main skip to sidebar natalie julian my first child julian innes 12 20 04 12 23 04 died of heart failure when he was 3 days old after being diagnosed with dilated cardiomyopathy i gave birth to a healthy baby girl natalie juliana on 7 27 06 tuesday july 17 2007 nothing gold can stay nature s first green is gold her hardest hue to hold her early leafs a flower but only so an hour then leaf subsides to leaf so eden sank to grief so dawn goes down to day nothing gold can stay robert frost posted by julian s mom at 2 01 pm 83 comments wednesday april 18 2007 i officially hate this blog warning this is a long rambling vent where at the end i think i decide to stop writing this blog i hate that i haven t been able to post as often as i d like finding the time to blog while being a working mom of a living child is tough but worse is the feeling that i have lots to say about the unique experience of being a mother of a subsequent baby but am too conflicted to find the words to fully express how i am feeling or even if i could i couldn t post them here because half the people who visit this blog only come by to see the cute baby pics i usually post when i m feeling too stifled to speak my mind sometimes i wish i had chosen to remain anonymous when i started this so i wouldn t feel the need to self censor i have a lot to say and it s not all pretty and i m not sorry i am very capable of separating the love and joy i feel over my little girl from the sadness anger confusion resentment isolation and loneliness i feel about my son s death and the impact it has had on my identity and interpersonal interactions yet it s too easy for those outside the babyloss inner circle to interpret that to mean that i am not as far along as i should be in the grief process that i need therapy that i need to believe in a higher power that i m overly hostile or confrontational that i don t love my daughter enough that i m not trying hard enough to move on that i m dwelling on the past etc if it s not already clear any of those conclusions couldn t be further from the truth research and experience will tell you that all of this is normal and that it is absolutely possible to be a functional human being hold down a job be a loving mother and wife feel what i feel and not be certifiable most people just don t want to know and i don t know if i blame them i m not going anywhere and i fully intend to stay in touch with all the friends i have made in the blogosphere thank you for everything but my heart isn t in this anymore perhaps at some point i will start a pink and fuzzy new blog fit for public consumption and another for those who inhabit the dark side in the meantime you can find some of my friends and me at http babylossdirectory blogspot com posted by julian s mom at 4 42 pm 10 comments tuesday march 27 2007 ya ya natalie is 8 months old today my how the time flies she continues to be an adorably social and charming baby and i must begrudgingly admit that she has been uttering dada on a regular basis i m not jealous or anything but she doesn t really know what she s saying right this morning i was struck by what has become another favorite vocalization ya ya nearly 2 years ago i posted about a dream i d had about julian in my dream he was around the same age natalie is now and he was clearly saying ya ya given that i ve spent next to no time around babies until now it s interesting to me that my subconscious conjured up an image of julian that was fairly developmentally accurate if i let my mind wander over to the supernatural side for a moment i can almost let myself believe that natalie was delivering a message from her big brother posted by julian s mom at 10 48 pm 1 comment thursday march 22 2007 important new joint project please take a moment to check out the new miscarriage stillbirth and infant loss blog directory a collaborative effort by some of us in blogland thanks so much to delphi for getting this going please send in any relevant resources you think may be useful to others who have experienced the tragic loss of a child posted by julian s mom at 9 05 pm no comments saturday march 17 2007 happy day posted by julian s mom at 11 29 am 5 comments tuesday march 13 2007 a place to turn when a newborn is fated to die please read this important article in today s new york times posted by julian s mom at 10 44 am 1 comment saturday march 10 2007 there s a library in my closet sorry i haven t posted in a while i ve been busy deciding not to do the phd and a bunch of other related stuff long story but i d pretty much rather hang out with the sweet charming well dressed funny and emotionally intelligent natalie than well draw your own conclusions natalie s doing great she s eating solids twice a day sitting up on her own and developing her own unique sense of humor we are planning our first trip together to visit the uk relatives so please send any travel tips you can think of in the meantime i ll try to catch up with all my friends in blogland thanks to wondertime magazine for the fun decorating idea posted by julian s mom at 7 52 pm 2 comments wednesday february 14 2007 happy valentine s day posted by julian s mom at 10 02 am 2 comments monday february 12 2007 we re still here i have this horrible fear that if i go too long between posts you will all abandon me and i will have no one left to talk to i m sorry i ve been out of touch lately i m still working part time and at home with natalie part time this is the best of both worlds but the reality is that i am trying to fit full time work and full time mothering into two part time schedules with very little time left for much else so why you might ask would i be applying to a phd program at this time don t ask anyway not that i am complaining because i love my little muffaletta to chime in on the dear abby thing that woman abby needs to be fired for incompetence she s certainly no grief counselor or hr specialist and apparently she s not much of a humanitarian either and is sorely lacking in tact and grace there s not much else i can say that hasn t already been said by all you industrious bloggers but i just wanted to show that i was still paying attention all is well in our world at the moment to summarize 1 natalie s still somewhere around the 50th percentile a little on the petite side but super strong and on the verge of sitting up on her own she may in fact go straight to walking and skip the crawling stage which is hopefully a sign of ambition and genius and nothing to be worried about 2 we started solids a few weeks ago which is going okay maybe she ll take after robert s side of the family and learn to bypass the buffet the verdict so far is rice cereal so so sweet potato lovin it banana not so much 3 after months of being down on the doctors sears for my own failings as an attachment parent it turns out we are co sleeping by default it s the only way the princess will sleep through the night is there such a thing as a baby who can t be ferberized as my sil rosemary says they re very cunning these babies posted by julian s mom at 10 16 am 145 comments wednesday january 17 2007 nearly 6 months old posted by julian s mom at 9 23 am 4 comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom about me julian s mom view my complete profile favorite charities children s cardiomyopathy foundation share pregnancy infant loss support inc kindred spirits a day and a half deadbabyblog eight million pieces everything is under control i hate this blog johannes ghost life after missing speed jr nate nate roller skate nicolas garden ryan was here surviving my loss the mad mommy three minute palaver where do i go from here guilty pleasures apartment therapy the nursery barefoot and bossip com celebrity baby blog oh no they didn t posh baby blog the mother of all blogs the skinny website the space between my ears helpful resources links a heartbreaking choice a place to play fertility friend miscarriage stillbirth and infant loss blog directory now i lay me down to sleep share soulumination spals the compassionate friends blog archive 2007 12 july 1 nothing gold can stay april 1 march 5 february 2 january 3 2006 121 december 5 november 9 october 8 september 8 august 9 july 13 june 8 may 14 april 14 march 16 february 7 january 10 2005 39 december 4 november 4 october 2 september 1 july 5 may 1 march 9 february 9 january 4 2004 9 december 7 july 1 may 1