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Text of the page (random words):
as dramatically changed the way this pregnancy has been approached by doctors and by us i also find myself comparing the 2 pregnancies often because that s what we do different but similar aches and pains the familiar flutters the swollen feet and ankles the need to stay fed and hydrated to be well rested but still active and the never ending amazement that i can really grow a baby inside my own body i really still can t believe it sometimes i truly feel lucky that i get to be here a place i ve been dreaming of for so long in my life the doctor midwife group we chose this time around is just different it is a more clinical setting but the warmth is there and the care is impeccable some visits have been 5 min long while others i spend at least 30 getting my questions answered they are on top of it making sure that every need we have is met i even got a call today randomly from one of the midwives just to see how i was doing she asked how all the doctors have been if we ve been happy with our care she even asked if they were pronouncing my name correctly so great i feel like we are in good hands and very hopeful that this little guy inside me will end up in my arms screaming and healthy but as all of us in this community know nothing is definite and things can go wrong up to the very last minute i m still feeling pretty hesitant that this pregnancy can really end with a live baby i won t keep anything for him in this apt until he is alive kicking what do we really need i don t feel the pressure to set up a baby room we actually didn t do this last time either or have clothes or diapers or anything here until it happens all the stuff given to us last time is safe and secure at my inlaws i am confident that when we need it it will be brought to our home ready and waiting for us i refuse to register and really have a hard time even going to that place of decision making what stroller bassinet car seat do we want beats me i checked out what some of my friends have asked a few questions but don t feel like it s necessary to go there quite yet i know i know a week before i deliver i m sure i ll feel frantic if i don t have this stuff but for now i just want to get through each day i have lots of people who want to know what i m going to do about work daycare etc i am not planning a thing i have some ideas and i know i want to take off some time but to actually plan what we re going to do after that is just not going to happen i planned last time and then had to take it all back it was brutal it just feels better to leave it out there and we ll figure it out when the time comes i m way more tired this time around i think being 40 and pregnant is really hard work i wish i could exercise more but it s so hot on the east coast and so hard to get motivated to even take a walk i am still teaching the kids yoga and am pretty much using it as my form of exercise right now every downdog feels heavenly but my body definitely doesn t move the way it s used to that i remember explicitly from last time that crazy feeling of not being able to bend and stretch like i am normally capable of i know my sister does not want a big announcement made sorry j but her pregnancy only 7 weeks behind me is so very exciting in my family my parents are beyond thrilled and daily texts from my mom are not unusual how are my girls feeling today it s so amazing to see my parents so happy they have struggled to deal with the grief and loss of their first and only grandson while staying hopeful that their 3 kids in their late 30 s will procreate sooner rather then later they have to listen to all their friends who only want to talk about grandkids so now that both of their daughters are preggers it is a really happy time in the rosen family when i start to think about the thought of what if that ivf cycle didn t work i get a feeling over my body that is so horrific i don t even want to go there it happened and it s all good but it is still so hard to even believe sometimes we just got back from a fantastic trip out west for a good friends wedding in lake tahoe so beautiful and so much fun of course we also stayed a few days in sf bar hopping coffee tasting seeing friends eating burritos and just enjoying ourselves immensely meeting new babies me with gifts in hand finally and seeing pregnant friends all with a huge smile on my face and excitement for them that was real as always the love and support we get from our friends family and those of you who read my words have kept me going so i just want to say thanks share this share email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on x opens in new window x like loading right where i am project 979 days june 2 2011 in uncategorized by elmcitymom leave a comment my husband chris of elm city dad just wrote his own post for angie s right where i am project check it out over at glow in the woods share this share email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on x opens in new window x like loading right where i am project 2 years and exactly 8 months to the day later may 25 2011 in babylost friends infertility ivf loss love music pregnant uncategorized yoga by elmcitymom 36 comments i d like to thank my friend angie from still life with circles for putting this project out there for us to participate in angie is an incredible force in this community and her blog was one i read daily way back when i don t read many blogs these days i write on mine every so often but it feels different then when i first lost silas back then it was my lifeline it was what kept me sane i devoured blogs commented daily and made a group of friends who also lost babies around the same time our lives have progressed differently since then some went on to have subsequent babies pretty quickly others like me took a lot longer while still others have yet to conceive again though our paths were different after our losses our stories comments kept each other sane and able to move forward through the early months of heartache pain and devastation i will always cherish those beginning friendships and the strong connections we made these women just got me they knew what i was feeling and were there for me no matter what i sometimes go back and read my early posts from when i guest wrote on my husband chris s blog elm city dad i was raw angry sad depressed you name an emotion and i felt it i was honest though about how i felt i knew people in my life were reading people who knew and loved me it didn t change what and how i wrote i knew that they actually used our blogs as a tool to help them deal with us we told it like it was putting it all out there with real honest emotion i think that because of our blogs we are still super close to all our friends it was their way of connecting to us in helping to know what we were going through our friends found it easier to contact us because of it having email text fb gchat and blog comments gives us so many outlets to communicate and i appreciated every single one of them i didn t need my friends calling me i didn t need people to worry about how i was doing my blog shared that and if you took the time to comment or email or text i let you know that i was ok they knew and understood i couldn t see their new babies couldn t send a gift or call write to congratulate them the jealousy oh the jealousy this part of me was a huge loss not being able to see hear watch read about babies they were everywhere and it was almost impossible to navigate those early days were so incredibly hard i couldn t lose the weight couldn t get pregnant didn t have my son and really couldn t make sense of this world that came crashing in on me i am one of those people though that couldn t hide in my bed all day every day even though i thought that was what i wanted chris and i went out saw friends lots of music leaned on our amazing families friends a lot i practiced yoga went to bootcamps therapy and continued my work as a children s yoga teacher i struggled through it all but i think that because we continued to live life through our loss and grief really brought us to where we are today we are still devastated by our loss but we don t wear our grief on our sleeve we worked through it around it inside and out i will always miss him til the day i die but my heart isn t aching like it did in that first year sometimes i can t believe i m still standing and other times i am proud to be still standing i am finally pregnant again exactly 2 years 8 months later it took a really long time for that to happen i think for me it made this journey a bit more tumultuous my time was spent grieving the loss of my sweet little first born son silas and then it was spent trying to get pregnant again after awhile it turned into just trying to get pregnant again silas was there in my heart but his loss wasn t my focus anymore i was determined to get pregnant and after a year of trying on our own it was time to venture into the land of infertility drugs i couldn t believe this was our life first we lost our child at birth and then we can t get pregnant that just seemed truly fucked up i mean seriously we tried every fertility treatment out there and finally became pregnant after our 3rd ivf attempt i am currently 13w4d and was feeling great until last night we had a bit of a bleeding scare but found out i have placenta previa and it s pretty common now i am just told to take it easy which i m attempting to do this pregnancy is fraught with the feeling of it being our last hope to have a child it finally happened and i wont let anything take it from me last night right after the toilet was filled with blood i sobbed with the thought of having to start this process over again it can t possibly be happening but the bleeding stopped the ultrasound showed a heartbeat and a healthy baby and i m now required to chill out at this point i will do what i m told chris wants to wrap me in bubble wrap and put me in a closet and not let me out til i m ready to birth this baby now that i m finally here though i am finding a new relationship with silas and his loss i still get choked up when i see my friends kids who were born around when he was i sometimes can t believe i could be parenting a 2 1 2 year old that always breaks my heart i am constantly now required to answer the question is this your first this brings up all kinds of feelings and emotions about whether to share and break someone s heart or pretend silas didn t exist it s a very challenging question to answer no matter how i choose to answer it i always hesitate and i still haven t figured it out it in the moment silas taught me so many lessons he taught me that everything in life doesn t always work out things don t happen for a reason sometimes shitty things just happen he taught me patience he allowed me to fall even more in love with my husband which i didn t think was possible i gained a better appreciation for what i have more empathy for those who are suffering over time i ve learned that when shitty things happen to me i don t have to blame myself for it blame and guilt 2 huge emotions that come with loss i worked through those emotions and while i m not completely healed of them i don t beat myself up anymore silas orion will always be a light in my life will always hold a space in my heart and will always be the big brother to the next little gallagher to come our way share this share email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on x opens in new window x like loading 40 and pregnant may 10 2011 in ivf pregnant sadness by elmcitymom 12 comments don t you think that would make a great reality show i mean there is 16 and pregnant pregnant in heels i didn t know i was pregnant it goes on and on but no 40 and pregnant i m sure the networks are on it especially the whole ivf thing i know there are a few shows out there that have dealt with this issue a little but it seems that people still haven t a clue what it s like between all the injections ultrasounds meltdowns i think it would be a hit and if it finally works after 3 or more tries then it can turn into that feel good story everyone would be rooting for throw a prior dead baby into the mix and yeah this story gets compelling it s all good though i feel so blessed right now i keep saying that but it s true i guess i never thought i d be where i am at 40 i remember my parents turning 40 when i was a teenager so weird to be in such a different place this whole process to get to this point has been challenging but here i am 11 weeks and still going strong i feel good not so much nausea but enough to make me feel pregnant i am showing already and have been for a few weeks which seems crazy to me but i ve been told that happens with your second i still feel like i just look fat since i haven t been eating too great with all the bday celebrations and all and not really working out these last 3 months but i am accepting that this is where i am right now and soon enough that baby bump will show prominently and i won t just have to blurt out i m pregnant when someone asks why i m not having a glass of wine or beer like everyone else around me chris cracks up everytime i say it like i am trying to find an excuse to tell people maybe i am but i m at that awkward stage where i just don t look pregnant to the outside world but feel just big all over so i choose to share my excitement and happiness and it feels great to do so the dreaded 40th bday came and went and it actually was pretty awesome the day itself 4 28 was perfect with a delicious breakfast cooked by my sweet husband an awesome lunch at my fave new haven restaurant with my girlfriends and then dinner with my siblings their spouses at my brother in laws cousin s restaurant in westchester my sister was out here visiting that week so it was perfect i never get to spend quality time with both sibs and so it was truly special the dinner was amazing and was a great way to celebrate this milestone in my life for the weekend we went to montreal with our friends it was fantastic what a beautiful and interesting city we ate and drank some of us our way through the city just perfect and then it was time to celebrate chris bday it wasn t a milestone like mine but b days still deserve much celebration and for days we did it s fun having back to back b days but it does get tiring and my body definitely doesn t feel awesome from all the treats and heavy foods so now back to normal or what is turning into a new normal we finally picked our doctors midwives and we are pretty psyched we ...