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Text of the page (random words):
y at work busy with friends i was always looking forward to whatever it was that was happening tomorrow or next week or next month throughout lu s pregnancy i had my gaze focused on the end result on having our child in our arms and the whole rest of our lives to get started finally the best gift may 4 2012 in uncategorized by elmcitydad 10 comments i ve always enjoyed my birthday but when we lost silas an edge appeared in that day and i felt a deep slice every year as it rolled around i still feel that today silas should be here too and i have to fight to hold back the what if s and what should s that path is so painful i simply cannot tread down it too far how different this day and our lives and the world would have been there is only what there is though and so here i am ready to embrace the happiness i have woke up to a tiny laughing face last year he was still potential for me and i was terrified of hoping to much as my birthday slipped by with lu only a few months along i tried to exude a calm confidence i couldn t quite believe nothing could be certain and true until i held him in my arms and heard his scream and felt his breath and saw the living vital force in his eyes this morning zeph was all there loud and squirming and full of life my son to teach and help grow lu brought him in bright and early and when he saw me he broke into smile and started laughing him knowing who i am that i m his dad i m the guy that will always love him more than anything he could possibly imagine is everything i ve wanted and more than i dared hoped for time to get up and get at and enjoy this day with him to the fullest suddenly asleep february 25 2012 in sleep zeph by elmcitydad 2 comments i try to be the quietest person that ever lived when i get back home late from work and everyone is asleep my foot placed perfectly with every careful step but the utensil drawer is a disaster the drag of a knife as i slide it out the metal tinkle of fork tines in the night the fundamental vibration as i ease it closed i catch and pause my breath listening still asleep still asleep but then the plate too hard too hard on the counter and the stove as i slip in the leftovers it is the clanging crazy of a dumptruck or ancient elevator there s no way i can pull this off he sleeps on though somehow just like right now with phish on at a good volume he swings in the swing with his beautiful little melon head tipped onto his shoulder and mouth slightly open in the bliss of sleep he rocks and rolls oh shit abrupt stop to music disaster is imminent where was i february 23 2012 in baby zeph by elmcitydad 10 comments zeph is here with us every day every day he s a baby and he has to do it the entire time after all there s no relief from being a baby you can t crawl can t walk can t talk can t do anything but smile study gurgle and cry lots of crying but not as much as some i m told and so much laughter i had no idea a three month old child could have a sense of humor i m still in shock that there is a baby in our home our baby our place and he laughs all the time when mommy comes home when i come back in the room after being gone for a few minutes when the blue elephant rotates into view as the endlessly small small world jingles from the mobile i wake up humming it and find myself drumming the tune on my steering wheel as i drive and drive my mind moving in so many ways to figure out how to behave in this whole new world it s a small one alright he s heavy and solid but easy to lift and when i m rocking him to sleep again and again the entire world fits in his face the bottomless pit that lived in my stomach has a bottom after all but this doesn t feel like a bounce this new journey into actual parenthood i m not passing the same sights on this path that i plummeted past on the way down a threshold instead perhaps i fell so far down that i passed right through the bottom and started falling back up the other side the happiness i feel right now is sickening to others i m sure it s that goopy silly happy joy that just makes me want to puke except now it s me frankly i m embarrassed to feel this good when i felt so awful for so long it s like a betrayal to that former self to silas to how much we have lost and what could have should have would have been if we lived in a world where shit like our shit didn t happen but i can t help it i m fucking ecstatic right now i thought i was going to be this happy content loving father to my son so long ago that i had given up expecting anything to turn out the way i wanted what i wanted didn t matter clearly so i had to be happy enough with whatever scraps i could salvage for three long years and now suddenly i m at a feast of awesomeness and i don t have the stomach to fit everything in all at once i m taking it in moment by moment and zeph is all about the moment so it feels like we re on the right path together i love rocking him to sleep with harry hood and graceland on the stereo he melts me with his infrared smiles and atomic laughter not just giggles these laughter fucking laughter from my 3 month old son because he likes making us laugh that s insanity yet i see it every day and he screams like he is being strung up by his toes when he s hungry and the boob is not forthcoming as rapidly as he d like he s got this one little shriek that cuts through any sound in the world it probably hits the moon if he aims it right and as sad and demanding and upset as he is when he fires it off all we can do is laugh and look at each other and wonder how is he here where has he been how can we be this happy when so recently and for so long we were so so sad now everything has changed once again from nap nanny to playmat to tummy time to the carseat and a drive to grandma and grandpa s house it is go go go we languished in grief for so long that it feels like i m moving at lightspeed now just trying to keep up and the vortex hasn t vanished it just changed in an instant from darkness and chaos to velocity and light i can t stop kissing him and i can t wait to watch him grow dad zeph and life november 30 2011 in baby beautiful first by elmcitydad 24 comments zeph is asleep on my chest lightly stirring and breathing and sighing as my heart melts within i have to stop and read that again a million times but he doesn t last in that position long if i m not standing up swaying and lightly bouncing i m not doing it right too quickly he s fussing and i have to hand him back to lu she s on 24 hour feeding patrol and he s a thirsty guy just like his dad his dad me finally we did it and it s the first thing i can believe in so many years silas is my son but i never got to be his dad no matter what people say and feeling that way for so long as something i couldn t be and didn t have and wasn t able to do it feels shocking to apply that label to myself right now shocking but perfect shocking but right for the first time in my life the chaos and correctness and beautiful brilliant danger exactly matches what i want the first time we were home together the three of us it was like a vortex swirling out from zephyr rearranging my mind my soul the physical reality around us immediately i had to start pushing furniture around and go through boxes of clothes and gifts and random objects of babynessas as lu lay on the couch with our son at her breast directing my efforts it was fucking glorious this is his house too now 12 days into our new lives together and the grandparents are freaking out our friends are suddenly lighter and elated we are wrapped up in his quiet alert gaze when he feels like being chill and amazed by the lungs and breath and voice as he screams into the night as all babies do when they are alive and want everyone to know it zephyr rigel gallagher november 18 2011 in uncategorized by elmcitydad 48 comments we are beyond thrilled to introduce our son zephyr rigel gallagher he was born at 8 15am this morning via planned c section he weighs in at 6lbs 13oz and is 19 5 inches tall long lu was amazing throughout the surgery our doctor and nurses have been incredible and the grandparents are swooning over their brand new grandson i feel happy and calm in a way i have not felt in years it is like my heart is finally unclenched from the fist it has been twisted into since we lost silas the long breath november 14 2011 in uncategorized by elmcitydad 21 comments she s calmly asleep in bed i m on the couch wide awake and waiting i have to breathe it is all i can do i can t help her or him or silas or the past i am in stasis hovering hoping i have to breathe struck dumb silenced i can t there s no way to just us lu grows larger by the moment with our second son inside her and everything i want is right there next to me within her and i can do is wait the wait has been i have to breathe in through my nose in calm inhalations out through my lips like we were taught in the birthing class last time now i m the one who needs it but it doesn t seem to take give me everything that comes next i am it is simply impossible to describe how finely wrought are the molecules of my soul down to the edge the breathless bitter blazing edge of hope and of fear my nervous system is firing spasmodically whenever i think of what is coming next exactly next friday we drive to the hospital together and avoid all obstacles hand keys to valet hand future to doctors wait hope focus hold hands wait hope focus beg hope wait swallow my fear and lay back into the couch as i breathe and wait again the relentless pursuit of living on glow october 19 2011 in uncategorized by elmcitydad 1 comment i m used to the lies by now they are common and easy to say i say them for the sake of other people but also for myself i have to lie so that i m not always the guy that sucks the air out of a room even if that room is the entire outdoors on a glorious fall day at the farmer s market and someone has questions about me about my life about how i m doing there is no point in ruining every idle conversation and friendly chatter with truth about my dead son silas right where i am project 979 days on glow in the woods june 2 2011 in glow in the woods by elmcitydad 4 comments the day after he died i thought lu was next and me right behind her on days two through five i was certain of it at the time i talked a lot about how we couldn t let this loss destroy us and poison us and tear us apart but they were words mostly words i spit out into the world hoping i could make them true i had no confidence at all but no one knew the rest of this post can be found at glow in the woods as part of angie s right where i am project hubris hope april 14 2011 in decisions expectations hope pain searching by elmcitydad 13 comments dare i write dare i start down this path again with lu s second pregnancy i ve had the urge to go back and read what i wrote about each of the stages of her carrying silas but frankly i m scared i m scared of the innocence and naivety in my writing from that time i m scared of being confident and cocksure that everything is going to go perfectly this time i m scared of reading that confidence in my past posts now knowing how wrong i was i ve considered putting this blog to rest altogether and let it stand as is as a testament to silas s brief time with us instead i could start a new one to chronicle these next nine months i ve also entertained the idea that i shouldn t write at all this time that perhaps the words themselves were the jinx that took him from us and how dare i risk that again but i hate being afraid and i don t believe this blog was a jinx in any way i also hate it when i tell people lu is pregnant and they say oh how exciting you re going to be a father i want to correct them and tell them no i might become a father it could happen i hope more than anything that i do become a father but for now i m just a potential father a maybe dad a hopefully father to be if the universe allows it if genetics and nature line up just so if we are as lucky this time as we were unluckly last for the last 3 nights i ve barely slept my stomach was bloated and roiling and my mind could not find the path to quiet slumber once i hit 4 30am and i was still awake again the knowledge that i was fucked for tomorrow made it even harder to still my thoughts and drift away even pointless tv couldn t shut me down finally at 6am pure exhaustion took over and i slept for a few hours but when i had to get up for work i was in slow mo and that stayed all day so much of our focus was just getting to this point yet it took so long it felt like it was never going to happen i had to train my brain to think only of right now of this of here now we are expecting and i am terrified of expectations the stress and fear mixed with hope and love has me in knots in order to stay sane i ve taught myself to be happy enough with whatever was right in front of me so that s exactly what i m going to keep on doing today lu is pregnant a tiny beautiful heart beats within her her boobs are bodacious and her skin has an amazing glow she s been tired and off to bed early and i m trying to make her take it as easy as i can but she s not one for slowing down for anything today she woke up and felt like she might be getting a little cold but that could just be her body reacting to the pregnancy after all that happened last time i checked elm city mom 4 years later right where i am project 2012 3 yrs 8 months 2 days mommyhood zephyr rigel gallagher the countdown has begun remembering silas moving right along right where i am project 979 days right where i am project 2 years and exactly 8 months to the day later 40 and pregnant glow in the woods an error has occurred the feed is probably down try again later kindness meredith on the best gift tina berman on the best gift sophie on the best gift anon on the best gift hope s mama on the best gift recent posts new post about silas on glow in the woods the best gift suddenly asleep where was i dad zeph and life zephyr rigel gallagher the long breath the relentless pursuit of living on glow right where i am project 979 days on glow in the woods hubris hope blogroll thrunk awful but functioning beauty that moves brian horn building heavenly bridges burble carly grace cribchronicles elm city mom exhale ezra s daddy ezra s space full of joy yoga glow in the woods growing inside hirsch happenings i lost a world irishdad knocked up knocked down lazy cat farm life without my baby little bluebirds lost and found love reign over me mrs spit spouts off pass it on please give me back my heart smile play dream still life 365 project still life with circles surviving the day sweet salty the unlucky lottery tuesday s hope archives june 2012 may 2012 february 2012 november 2011 october 2011 june 2011 april 2011 january 2011 september 2010 july 2010 april 2010 march 2010 february 2010 january 2010 november 2009 october 2009 september 2009 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