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Text of the page (random words):
ard to see where they fit i diagrammed and labeled tree branches tacked things up temporarily with sticks and took photos i stitched squares and rectangles together in long scarves or took big scarves apart and sewed up the loose ends then i pinned on coded labels and rolled them up neatly stuffed them in bags in the closet i felt a little tender a little raw to work on such a public project like this not just to share it with friends and family but to bring joseph s anniversary out from many years quiet observance into the light of community to crochet publicly to turn our corner lot into a bright installation open for anyone passing by meant that i talked about joseph all year i shared his story at school with new coworkers that i might not ever have mentioned my firstborn to i brought him up to people who knew me then but hadn t acknowledged the loss in years i heard from distant friends i hadn t spoken to in decades a few friends shared joseph s story with other friends they knew in order to commission a piece for the project because they themselves don t knit i told my second graders about joseph about the yarn they would see me crochet at recess or during car rider duty and ask me what i was making a sweater for a tree i would say or simply a rectangle a flower a square he died before you were even born i told the seven and eight year olds and they gaped eyes wide to a child their whole short life is forever to them these ten years are as impossibly long as they feel to me he would have been 10 i told them but i know that s not exactly right i still cannot think of joseph in would have beens i can only mark the time as it passes i can only count the skeins of yarn the number of circles and hexagons my fingers have knotted it has been 10 years since my baby died since we named him since he became memory and this year he has become colors and material and stitches shapes and circumferences and trees i wanted the yarn bombing to have an end a date complete but all week we have been taking more pieces outside extending the color up and out as the limbs branch and spread and now today is your day and we still have two bags left could still do more my fingers itch to unravel and loop hook and pull i think today i have finally made peace with this with the undefined boundaries of the project it will continue to evolve and change into the new year without a final point the way that joseph has no end no finite impact in our lives c burning eye posted in art reflections tagged community healing hope love nurture remembering support surviving leave a comment january 2 2019 by burning eye six no new memories are created except the sharp clarity of who forgets posted in poetry reflections 1 comment december 27 2017 by burning eye f i v e five years have gone by little one grief is small and quiet now tamed i remember that it hurt but not how it hurt visions of your days your death your birth the in between come to me every day i still feel you tucked in my heart posted in reflections tagged healing love missing remembering 2 comments december 25 2016 by burning eye four i remember you every day every day you were only here for an instant in my life and yet you were a cataclysm just in the way i cannot imagine what you would have been like had you lived i cannot imagine what i would be like if you d lived the mother i have become because of you the children who live because of you the god who remains distant because of you tomorrow will be my last post at glow in the woods it has been four years now since my baby boy died and was born three and a half writing at glow since e s birth seven months ago i ve know this year would be my last at glow that joseph s fourth stillbirthday would be my last post the first months of grief i couldn t understand how any of the writers could leave how i could stop writing about joseph how grief could change how i could learn to live with my firstborn s absence but i have lived into all of those once inconceivable things and i know that leaving glow is not abandoning the memory of my son it is just simply time for whatever is next burning eye posted in reflections tagged anniversary glow love remembering leave a comment june 23 2016 by burning eye death and the woman once there was a woman who was good friends with god they spent time together and talked daily but death came for the woman s firstborn and after that god didn t come around anymore and really who could blame god for staying away while death was there the woman didn t much feel like talking to anyone anyway but soon death went away and the woman was alone in her grief every now and then the woman would say god s name quietly just to see if she would get an answer but there was none time passed and soon the woman was pregnant again she thought surely her old friend would come to visit when the new baby came so she prepared herself she thought of what she would say to god what stories she would tell and all the other things she d saved up so the days passed and the woman gave birth to a baby girl and god didn t come not even a phone call or card the woman was hurt angry even god where are you she called out i thought you would be here the woman listened expectantly rocking her daughter gently in the rocking chair but she got no answer she looked out the window and saw death coming down the road bolting out of the chair her new baby clutched to her chest she barred the door and locked the windows get away from here she yelled out at death don t you come again to this house the woman counted a hundred rapid heartbeats then hearing nothing she peeked back through the window death had gone a few months went by and the woman delighted in her motherhood but sometimes things were hard and she felt very lonely one sleepless night she called out to god again irritated it sure would be nice to have some help from you a little while later in the early dawn there was a knock on the door the woman put down the sleeping baby and peered through the peephole and there was death on the porch terrified the woman threw herself against the door to barricade it go away she yelled you already took my firstborn leave us alone she counted a hundred heartbeats before she slowly put her eye back to the peephole death had gone by and by the woman had grown used to god s absence and didn t think much about her old friend but one day she got to missing god again and she called out god come and visit me let s talk it s been so long the woman looked out the window and again she saw death coming down the road she ran and barred the door and locked all the windows why do you keep coming by here she yelled out as death came up on the porch i already told you you re not wanted here this time death spoke sounding a little annoyed you keep calling me i didn t call you the woman said i was calling for my friend god well here i am death said no the woman said firmly you re death ahh death said then open the door we need to talk death tapped on the door no way the woman said glancing nervously over her shoulder at her baby playing quietly with her toys but death was persistent and said she had something to explain that could only be understood by showing the woman death s voice was so gentle there was something almost familiar about it so hesitantly the woman relented and lifted the latch on the door and opened it death stepped over the threshold and held out her hands as if to say see i m not going to hurt you then she waved one hand slowly in front of her face and suddenly instead of the old hollow face of death there was the radiant and loving face of god oh god it s you the woman said stepping forward to embrace her friend but the hand dropped and once again the face of death peered out at the woman from under the dark hood i i don t understand said the woman falling back a step i have many faces death said and many names the woman still didn t understand so death lifted one hand up and pulled back the hood the woman gasped on death s head were three faces looking in different directions so the other two had been hidden by the hood one was the face of death and one was the face of god the third she had only a vague recollection of as if from a long ago dream as understanding settled in she began to feel a bit ill and closed her eyes death pulled the hood back up but if you are also my friend god the woman asked why do i only see you as death once you have seen the face of death it s very hard to forget death said sadly will it always be this way the woman asked she met death s eyes some have learned to see my other faces again with time death said the woman looked away and down at the floor i think i need some time she said softly death sighed i understand at that moment the woman s daughter looked up as if noticing for the first time they had a visitor she smiled broadly at death and reached her hand up to give a pudgy wave death smiled back and for a moment the woman could almost make out the features of the third face well i should be going death said heading towards the door yes yes the woman mumbled and went to show death out death hesitated on the doorstep a moment i hope you will call again i hope so too the woman said death turned to go and the woman pushed the door gently but firmly shut i wrote this parable almost a year ago some days i think i still need more time other days i m perfectly happy to keep that door shut tight burning eye posted in uncategorized tagged god grief loneliness loss 1 comment may 30 2016 by burning eye i think i know you there is a woman at the park we recognize work city arts our mutual friends introduce us we swap names she works at the university she of course recognizes a who is thin and blonde with distinct features she barely looks at me i glance at her son i think we were in prenatal yoga together i follow m around the playground help her up the ladder i glance at her son 3 and a half years old yes we were in prenatal yoga together when i was pregnant with i ask our mutual friends how old her son is quietly apart he was born in january 2013 yes i do not look again at her son at how big he is how old how he is climbing on top of the tunnel listening to his parents conversation with three year old understanding i do not look back at his dark hair yes we were in prenatal yoga together when i was pregnant with joseph i do not say to her he was my first i do not explain at her bewildered glance at my two daughters assessing their ages he died today is not a brave day burning eye posted in reflections tagged absence loss missing 1 comment may 20 2016 by burning eye heavy the news comes in the morning we lost him they did an emergency c section it is pouring outside and i am nursing our baby who shared his due date she 8 days early alive he 2 days late dead their nightmare opens wide before me a ton of bricks falling in slow motion all day piece by piece on my bruised heavy heart over and over i relive our own shock our own early days hearts breasts eyelids swollen from weeping i hear the echo of myself wailing as if in reliving i could save them from the pain i go to sleep and wake again he is still dead i nurse our daughter again alive he is still dead this world is wholly unfair one dead one alive they will wake each day to the loss of him each day a new insult the box of enfamil samples on the front porch the coupon in the mailbox for nursing bras the email discounts on their baby registry i m sorry i whisper to each of them in the dark because there is nothing else i can do burning eye posted in poetry tagged death grief loneliness loss 1 comment may 18 2016 by burning eye she looks like you joseph your new baby sister e is here safe and sound born alive still breathing these twelve days later i wrote this poem for her for you in the dark she looks like you lips parted mouth open tiny chin sunken asleep or dead afraid i lean closer waiting for a breath peering at swollen newborn eyelids they are cracked seeing what in the dark my mother tells me of this vision as i go into labor an angel bringing her to me i am shaken i hang up the phone as quickly as i can and try to banish it from my mind thinking only of my father battling death his vivid dream as you lay dying inside me she meant well my mother she saw it as cheerful and safe but i do not think of angels this way i say a swift prayer cross my fingers make a sign to ward off the evil eye no i do none of these things i do not see the world this way i only hold your mother s hand she is my comfort maybe it is joseph bringing her to us your mother says tears in both our eyes i shake my head slightly how would i know if it were you i search for you in the shadows of your new sister s eyes and mouth i hold her thin body close lips against her forehead i never kissed you how would i know if she were you burning eye posted in poetry tagged a absence birth grief loss love missing 1 comment february 1 2016 by burning eye outside inside this was the first drawing i did after joseph died i never published it here she was too vulnerable i think but she is still with me and i refer to her in my latest piece on glow burning eye posted in art leave a comment december 30 2015 by burning eye grief in pictures a few months ago i made a little book of water colors an abstract children s book about grief i picture it as a board book each page spread a new bright glossy watercolor with a simple line of text below the color saturation here doesn t quite do it justice but here it is death when it comes cracks everything open there is a sharp divide before after all life becomes fragile grief covers everything in thick waves it has many colors sometimes it feels like drowning there is loneliness the absence of you love remains burning eye posted in art poetry tagged absence grief healing loss love missing 2 comments post navigation older posts our story about burning eye about alm copyright 2013 burning eye all rights reserved no part of this publication may be reproduced distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means including photocopying recording or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the author thethingsimmadeof at gmail dot com if you want to share something you find here please just share the link to the blog babyloss resources babyloss comfort lost and found sisterhood of loss and support still standing magazine stirrup queen s list of blogs other babylost blogs i m reading after iris always my 3 boys balthazar brings gifts by the brooke cloverleaf diary for my little girl following my sun glow in the woods hang your hopes from trees jack at random lost boys and bearings loving luca march is for daffodils queerly trying the heart sees clearly the heart sees clearly this little light of mine too much awesomeness archives january 2023 1 january 2019 1 december 2017 1 december 2016 1 june 2016 1 may 2016 3 february 2016 1 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