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Text of the page (random words):
e a traumatic experience write about it get published in a national paper self deprecating humour we can do i met my brother the other day it s strange he said it s written published all done now but i m still waiting for the phone to ring and so i approached yesterday with cautious anticipation i want to write i need to find the time to write a writer read my writing and thought it was really good would that be for just one day or would it be the beginning of something bigger they requested a biog to go with it i did battle with the words even in my writing there has been a silence there have been words i cannot say words i cannot form around our loss words that might join all the pieces of me up but there is a silence around loss that strangles us we all of us the bereaved the friends of the bereaved the colleagues the wider community are we all trying to mind each other with this silence do not speak of it the loss it is too hard to name it is a whisper in my work this loss not avoided but whispered some students from the college where i work were in the irish times yesterday too and a link was posted to their article on the college fb page not so with my article i wrote about art and loss as a mother but also as an artist as an educator the article came from all of who i am i have become quite good no self deprecation here at being a bereaved mother and wife with a living family laura is a part of us and how we are allowing the bereaved artist and educator voice was yesterday s challenge but there is still silence there is loss too personal for work am i being minded still or are people minding themselves the biog wasn t used in the end but this is what i said louise is a wife and mother of four children one who couldn t stay she works as an artist and educator within cit crawford college of art design in the area of arts and health training artists who are looking for group work skills social workers looking for art skills and a whole spectrum of individuals in between more recently when she isn t busy mothering or working she writes and she will continue to write trying to find words for the things we cannot say exploring a balance between unbearable loss and living life to the fullest but for now sleep and tomorrow some very real conversations with a wonderful old friend leave a comment posted in art baby loss cancer death writing posted by louise january 26 2015 art from bereavement there are no words when your baby dies i am in the paper today the irish times no less oh how i want to be published oh how i want to be racing from work right now to collect my 5 year old daughter from school instead i am sitting at my desk at work staring into space feeling raw and unfocused as the nation reads a string of words i have untangled from my heart i mentioned the amulet project before it is touring ireland before it comes to rest in a museum or two in england it is a strange thing an art exhibition exploring infant loss strange poignant uncomfortable important and the irish times have published me writing about it today art from bereavement there are no words when your baby dies 2 comments posted in art baby loss death grief stillbirth time passing posted by louise october 25 2014 lifed in the back of the head i think a lot i could stop there enough said really growing up i was told i think too much it is who i am though i think a lot i had a great thought this morning it made so much sense about life and the more than and presence and the presence of absence i thought i was the right side of half sleep as i lay there in bed with my thoughts i thought the clarity of that thought was so crystalline that it would stay fully formed as i raised my head of the pillow but it preferred to stay in bed when i got up instead of explaining the meaning of life to k over coffee i found myself struggling to describe the nature of thoughts and how much bigger than mere words they seem to be sometimes lucky him we drove west out of the city yesterday evening it was dark and we couldn t see anything apart from what our headlights illuminated but we know this road have we passed the mountains yet asked the boy racer from the back the silent astro boy s nose was stuck in a book watch out for that turn we always miss everytime everytime even though we know this road it has become part of our journey miss the turn take the next little lane way that will bring you back onto the correct road drive on through the mountain pass now the sea is on our left and we wind our way out the peninsula along the wild atlantic way a determining presence but invisible in this dark faces pressed against their windows the boys spotted constellations and shooting stars the giraffe princess our lunar child has her own life these days she is busy elsewhere juggling several engagements and the absence of her extensive social commentary and teenage indignation is noticeable from the back of the car we arrived at last beneath the milky way drank hot chocolate and wine before falling asleep all of us on the sofa as lewis navigated the details of another oxford murder on the telly we are crawling out of recession here in ireland apparently we are crawling mostly our resources spent after six years of recession working to the same expected standards of the pre recession days with less resources less pay and an ever dwindling reserve of rainy day money in the bank rainy day money has brought us here to this place with love away from it all out west we are here to catch our breath to gulp down the fresh sea air to pause before putting our heads down again and racing straight through to christmas and so i have the luxury of thinking space relaxing with k over breakfast space exploring ideas space i want to take stock after a lifetime tangled in self doubt i find i am starting to believe in myself no road to damascus epiphany but the path has cleared sufficiently for me to look around rather than down at the gnarled roots and weeds so i want to look around take stock what experience skills do i have who am i in this place how can i bring additional money into our family because we are certainly not feeling any of the benefits of this ending recession yet a friend texted the other day an ambiguous ask her about something in work the next day text it was a great idea we could do it together it could lead onto more we had done it in the past co facilitated training workshops we could offer team building days we have all the skills between us all we need is a publicity brochure she said we ll have to sit down together and work it out i am sure i have some of that done on my computer from years back i said she was surprised had forgotten as i chatted with k this morning recounting this story to him i suggested that maybe more of these ideas for which i was searching were already there waiting to be rediscovered for a while there i just got lifed yep he replied lifed in the back of the head leave a comment posted in baby loss posted by louise may 11 2014 explaining me i really love the main character in this book mum he explains me astro boy had been reading boom by mark haddon and had loved it so k gave him the curious incident of the dog in the night time to read when he finished he doesn t explain me he explains my mind with all the questions i have and the fact i love places that other people don t like like when he s in the 5m x 5m x 5m prison cell and he finds it calm the giraffe princess snorted he has aspergers astro boy you do not have special needs astro boy does not have aspergers she is right about that but he is on the spectrum of interesting in the world of diagnoses he has sensory integration challenges but how do they explain that other world he has always lived in his questions his grasp of deep philosophical issues and for all his incredibly normal running jumping mine craft obsessed boy ness how interesting that he notices his racing mind as different he explains me how freeing to have yourself explained at the age of eleven i am still waiting for that revelatory book 30 odd years later it is laura s birthday today k has been away all weekend visiting his unwell friend a very difficult weekend for him he is due back late tonight the kids and i have pottered carried on with life because we can because we must friends called for coffee this morning the kids dispersed another friend called this afternoon for a walk we talked of grief of coping of being pulled apart pulled down of carrying on is there a magic grieving formula for daughter loss or friend loss a formula to help you carry on these days i am carrying on she is being pulled down two things i said have helped me friends allowing friends support me and dance i danced at first for fun but something shifted as i began to move the dark and heavy weight of grief found movement in my body untangled travelled through me and rests now a little less heavily in my heart my friend left and i raced late to collect giraffe princess somewhere in the leaving and arriving that weight tangled up and crashed down through me and i sat with gp in the car i need a moment i am feeling sad my body felt like lead my mind was at sea gp listened gave me space she is growing up growing understanding growing into quiet sensitivity do you like my outfit she said i glanced across at her butterfly earrings her butterfly tights under the teenage uniform of hoodie and denim shorts i have a butterfly theme for today xx 4 comments posted in baby loss tags baby loss dance friendship mark haddon sensory integration posted by louise may 5 2014 hanging around on the edge is there a safe path down the middle of life paved and fenced protected from the elements a covered walk way artificially lit maybe not too much glare from the sun and plenty of light when everything seems dark would i take that path if i had a choice if i did take it where would it end could it avoid the inevitable i think not i would still die we would all still die in the end i do not mean to sound morbid real maybe but not morbid it is really true we will all die in the end and in that space between conception and death we live how fully we live that part we can choose there is a new family in town we like them their boys are the same age as our boys and share many quirky characteristics between them we speak the same language as the parents a language that acknowledges the journey of life the journey of loss the wonder and challenges of parenting out of sync boys a good recipe and the importance of a glass of wine on a friday night the boy racer s new friend said to his mum the other day i wish we had an older sister and a younger sister because then we would be the exact same and we would all have someone to play with his mum speculated with me as to whether her non existent younger daughter would have to die too we agreed probably but i thought how lovely it is that even our new friends get to play with laura that is a gift an odd but beautiful gift the elements have sent our way k s friend our friend had a cough he went to the doctor a cold initially later hayfever and an inhaler but it isn t that diagnosis has mutated over the past few days into the unspeakable inoperable incurable last summer he visited and listened as we told him of our friend louise in hospital then with breathing difficulties we drank wine and chatted soberly his breathing was perfect then i have lost my coat this week i am holding it together but my edges are frayed this part of the path is unstable and things are falling off not just my coat other things too i have lost my temper the ipad and now my reading glasses everything is shifting in this place we went west over easter to the land of long meandering coastline and big sky and great life giving gulps of fresh air ireland was battered by storms over christmas one on top of the other a steady pounding of howling winds thundering rain and heaving surging seas brief gasps of sunshine and then they would start all over again ending finally in early february with a hurricane we wandered the coastline laura s walk in parts the road had disappeared into the sea further along the sea had lifted entire beaches full of boulders and sent them back into the fields beyond some farmers had begun the process of claiming back their land re establishing their boundaries we carried a steadying weight of heart shaped stones between us knowing that laura s spot might need replenishing if entire beaches had been washed away everything is shifting in this place people are coming and leaving others whom we thought we would grow old with laughing over shared adventures as we journeyed are being told their journey will be different much shorter from here on this path doesn t feel so very steady from where we stand no wisdom only noticing the boys have taken up climbing i am giving it a go giraffe princess wants to start k was resistant but he will learn to belay us as we climb you cannot climb without support without the absolute certainty that you are not alone and someone is there to hold you when you slip 4 comments posted in baby loss cancer death friendship support time passing posted by louise march 30 2014 running to this place i ran for thirty minutes today and some wrong place wrong time right place right time who knows there was a glass or two of wine involved and before i know it i am one part of a relay team training for a marathon couch potatoes all of us but louise did it with cancer two years ago so we we can do this for her and so since mid january i have ventured out at night mostly and run the first night we ran one minute walked one minute ran one minute walked one minute k wore a pair of my track pants because he didn t own any of his own the couch part of couch to 5k was no joke bad knees and compromised lungs we carried on and today we thought we would do our last run together as we completed the programme it went a bit pear shaped at the end there was heavy rain involved and one of us being ahead of the other and hiding from the torrents in a doorway and only one phone and one house key between us the end result was me taking off at pace down the quays to meet the giraffe princess from her dance class late still unsure where k had got too but i was running i could run i could run for 30 minutes and then take off at pace and not be out of breath and it feels good tonight we all met our relay team to register for the marathon there was wine involved and new friends and we ate and drank and laughed and cried and registered last september i went out to the hospital to be with louise i was there early so i popped over to the shopping centre across the road and bought myself a keyring to replace my broken keyring shortly after i got to the hospital the ambulance arrived to transport louise to the hospice and she and i and life as we knew it were catapulted to a different existence and somewhere in the catapulting my new keyring got lost ...