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Text of the page (random words):
to get up and you need more sleep i don t get go back to sleep because it s time for breakfast it s my job to feed them so downstairs i go the day is crazy and hectic i am pulled in a million directions i am asked a million questions i fluctuate between love joy stress and rage the rage is often misplaced but it has a need to express itself to let itself be known to take over and remind me who is in charge after the rage comes the guilt and regret why did i lose it why can t i handle everything with a cool and collected tone what is wrong with me am i messing up my kids by yelling at them i wonder what happened to me when did i become this person come and spend time with me the fog beckons let my arms embrace and envelop you you know it s easier to just give into me i love my family i love being in my family i know the things i need to do to have my day go well i am always proud of myself on the days when i ve managed to keep it together i know that the calmer i stay the better the day goes but still sometimes that isn t enough i feel guilty a lot guilt for the things i don t get to guilt for the things i do but don t do joyfully guilt for the feeling that sometimes i just want to run away to escape into the fog just for a little while to curl up in it s arms and rest for a while yes that s a great idea the fog whispers i am so tired all the time mentally and physically a nap in the afternoon a few hours watching tv by myself or a good book would all be a welcome respite but those moments rarely happen most days my life is full of interruptions and requests things that as a mom and a wife i need to do because it s my job and because i love them i give all of myself to my children to my husband and to my family i give even when i feel like there is nothing left until my body is an empty hole until even an extra snack or a glass of wine can t make me feel better that s when the fog comes back it tempts me it calls me it swirls around my feet i try to run away from it but sometimes i stumble i stumble into the fog where sadness anxiety and guilt await me my body is lethargic from the slog i battle everyday to free myself completely some days i am successful other days i am not i try to be my best self for everyone all the time but sometimes i fear i have forgotten who my best self is who is she what does she want how would her day go these are all questions i ask myself in the abstract maybe the best me is still stuck in the fog maybe i need to go back there and see if i can find her posted by my new normal at 1 15 am 6 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest thursday 19 october 2017 when your sibling is verbally abusive it happened again how did we get here again we were getting along so well i say this to myself each time a normal conversation with my sister explodes into an argument as i write this we are not speaking to each other it s a familiar pattern we fight and then go a long time without speaking each time i tell myself i won t let it happen again that i will figure out a way to get along with her this time sometimes there is an apology but mostly there is just silence time passes and i am encouraged by family members to leave it and just move on i acquiesce to keep the peace because she is family and because everyone else does for some reason she gets a pass every time when we do reconnect i am nervous i walk on eggshells being very careful what i say i keep things superficial i offer no opinions and i reveal nothing about my feelings i listen mostly and try to only engage with safe topics i know deep down that there are no safe topics that at some point one of the safe comments i have made will be thrown back in my face in anger yet each time i try sometimes it blows up right away and we start over other times we get along for a long time i let my guard down i convince myself that maybe she has changed maybe it will be different this time i have always been jealous of the relationships that others seem to have with their siblings i wonder if maybe now that we are both in our forties that we too can be close like sisters are supposed to be i was so sure that we had broken through the pattern i was moving back close to family she was super excited she wanted to see me as soon as i got into town i was happy to see her too we hugged and i had my sister back we spoke on the phone a lot she confided in me and i started confiding in her it was better this time until it wasn t i am usually so careful with what i say and how i speak to her always worried about setting her off most of the time i am able to control my words even when i m seething inside this day though i couldn t contain myself she was questioning something i was doing in a way that made me feel like she thought i was unfit to make the decision i made a smart ass comment in response i know it wasn t a nice thing to say but i was at my breaking point the phone call ended shortly after that and i thought nothing of it i thought nothing of it because we were in a different place now things were better it came a few days later a missed phone call from her and a voice mail that made my blood boil i didn t even listen to it all i called her back and she immediately started yelling and calling me names i hung up because i feared what i might say in response what came next was a litany of abusive text messages tearing apart my character questioning my parenting skills accusing me of not taking care of our mother who was recovering from surgery she even had the nerve to say that i was the abusive one and that she wasn t going to take it anymore she told me she was finally going to stand up for herself because i needed to reap what i sow she took things i had told her in confidence and twisted them around to prove her point about how horrible a person i am my efforts to calm her down or question her were met with more accusations of manipulation and sneaky abuse i was told i need to stop acting like the victim it went on and on for hours with a few pauses in the middle the next morning i got another message saying that she was coming from a place of love and was just worried about our mom that perhaps she overreacted but that sometimes these conversations just need to be had other than a call my kids and i made singing happy birthday on her voice mail we have had no further contact so here i am again back in the familiar space where i am furious that i allowed her to attack me again furious at myself for not fighting back and yet proud that i didn t allow myself to sink to her level knowing that once something is said it can never be taken back i am also confused if this is really the way she feels about me then i must be a truly horrible person if that s true then why does she continue to reach out at some point for reconciliation if this isn t the way she really feels about me if she really loves me then why does she say such horrible things to me i don t know where this leaves our relationship either i know my parents want me to let it go to maintain the family peace but i m not sure how much longer i can continue to do that posted by my new normal at 7 16 pm 7 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest saturday 2 september 2017 sweet but sad frostina is in kindergarten and is really loving it today she brought home a packet they have been doing titled all about me in it she had to draw her family this is her photo left right daddy frostina olea me and their brother i love that this picture shows that she does indeed understand that she has an older brother i love that when she thinks of her family she includes him but it s also a reminder of what could have been of the brother they will never know so sweet but so sad posted by my new normal at 6 42 pm 4 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday 28 august 2017 when one door shuts another opens here s the great news the hubby got a new job phew huge sigh of relief and a big jump for joy the not so great news is that it s in northern california and we are currently staying with my family in southern california not having any income for seven months takes a pretty big hit on your savings so it will be a while before we have enough for a down payment for a new house so for now the girls and i will stay put and the hubby will get a small apartment close to his new office i think he is secretly pleased to have a quiet place to hang out without all the craziness that is life with a kindergartner and a preschooler i know he will miss us and we will miss him too but i m a tiny bit jealous that he gets to sleep uninterrupted and watch whatever he wants on tv whenever he wants we haven t quite figured out how often we will get to see him yet but that will come in time that s the sucky part the good part is that it s a great job with a great company with lots of opportunity for growth in the future the other good part is that we get to stay in california near our family which was something we didn t know if we would get to do posted by my new normal at 6 54 pm 5 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest wednesday 9 august 2017 sending cupcakes to heaven my beautiful son s 7th birthday in heaven is coming up in a few days the girls know all about their brother and each year we release a balloon so he can have it in heaven this year my now 5 year old frostina wants to kick it up a notch she thinks it s unheard of to have a birthday party without cake or cupcakes so she s trying to figure out a way to send a cupcake to heaven at the moment her ideas are to either tie it to the balloon so it can fly up or to send it in the mail i told her let s have a think about it how do you send cupcakes to heaven posted by my new normal at 2 04 am 3 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest saturday 15 july 2017 once again it s been so long that i don t really know where to begin a lot has changed since i left this place once again i find myself if a place where life as i know it has been turned on it s head when we moved back to the us and settled in south florida we thought it was for good we craved a stable environment for our little girls we wanted them to have the life we did growing up living in the same house and growing up knowing everyone in town we were done with adventure and were craving some normal then in january the hubby was laid off job was dissolved they closed his office down just like that with no warning one day he had over 20 years with the same company that had been so very good to us over the years the next day he was unemployed bam everything we had known was suddenly gone a harsh reminder that life really can change in an instant of course we have been through much worse i mean at least no one died this time and yet it s still a loss the loss of a career and a direction losing all the plans we had made for our future again once again we find ourselves at the whim of something out of our control once again we have to pick up the pieces and begin again once again we are starting over and venturing into the unknown once again the future is uncertain and scary once again i am hoping to find my way out of this dark place and come back into the light posted by my new normal at 11 06 pm 7 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest saturday 13 may 2017 guess who s back hello hello is this thing on it s been a while my friends i m not sure anyone is still reading but here goes nothing it s been a long road but my family and i are finally moving back home the expats are finally repatriating i love that i can say my family because after all when i first started writing this blog there was only the hubby and i our dreams of a family were years from becoming a reality here is a quick update frostina and olea are keeping me on my toes i m not sure i still like their blog names but for now that s we are they are almost 5 and almost 3 most days they love each other while simultaneously fighting like cats and dogs they love each other deeply and yet they torture me and each other on a daily basis after an international assignment and then a job on the east coast we are finally moving back to california it s a long story one which i will talk about in time but for now i m just happy to be back in this space and i hope a few of you are still reading i d love to hear from you if you are posted by my new normal at 4 40 am 10 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest thursday 13 august 2015 happy 5th birthday in heaven i can t believe it s been 5 years since we said hello and good bye to our beautiful little boy so much has changed since then we have a new house and two beautiful living little girls to look at us now you might never see all that we have been through we have become one of those families who look just like any other family but of course we re not five years on is much easier than one year on at five years the edges of the pain have softened quite a bit there are definitely still some hard days and sad moments but they are fewer and farther in between it s fair to say that we have survived our tragedy it s also fair to say that our marriage has survived our tragedy not all marriages survive the loss of a child so for that i am grateful for all of you out there who are still in the trenches for all of you who are still in the fog of grief for all of you i can honestly say that it won t always hurt this bad it never goes away but it does get better posted by my new normal at 8 25 pm 6 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest sunday 9 august 2015 talking at school frostina started preschool in january she goes 3 mornings a week just enough time for her to have something that is hers and enough time for me to get some one on one time with olea at the end of the year well half year really i had a conference with her teacher to see how she was doing i was shocked to hear that she doesn t talk at school my chatty happy girl doesn t talk at school i couldn t believe it and i was worried her teacher told me they thought she couldn t speak at all until they heard her talking to me she said it s normal and not to worry so of course i worried i played games with her where she was asking her teachers questions each morning when we got to school i would have her tell me what color shirt her teachers were wearing it worked a bit i was told she would answer them yes or no and tell them when she needed the potty but nothing else so i worried some more i opted not to send her to summer session to give her a break and also to make time for swim lessons i was hoping a break in the routine of not talking at school would help last week was her first week back at school on friday i got a call from her new teacher she is doing very well and seems comfort...