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Text of the page (random words):
oem in it so i did greetings from the future remember that girl from high school the one you called horseface the one you called lardo remember that girl whose tit you grabbed whose ass you slapped remember that girl the one you sent a dick pic to remember that girl the one you photoshopped remember that girl from high school the one you called cunt hello from your surgeon hello from your dentist hello from your anesthesiologist hello from your traffic cop hello from your chef hello from your irs agent hello from your hairdresser hello from your mechanic hello from your loan officer hello fellow travelers from your pilot effortless bonding nancy january 21 2023 8 comments when henry was a puppy we took him to puppy kindergarten so he could learn some of the basics we had taken theo a few years earlier it hadn t worked out so great for him but we decided to give it another try theo is smart but stubborn henry is more easygoing perhaps being a bit dumber may mean henry might be less easily distracted but as with theo obedience school didn t exactly work out for henry this suboptimal result made us realize that it wasn t the fault of the dogs or the trainer the fact is i am the worst disciplinarian in the world the dog i had for seventeen years when i was a kid was a wonderful dog but it wasn t thanks to me sarge just happened to be a good boy and my expectations were low if my dog didn t poop in the house or bite anyone i was satisfied theo and henry don t bite anyone and theo never poops in the house and henry now 4 1 2 only poops in the house occasionally i charitably believe that it s because he hates to bother me they listen if i have a cookie in my hand but they counter surf they rudely talk back when i scold them their leash skills have come close to dislocating my shoulders they bark at everything i want an app that mutes all doorbells on tv but they love us that s what i want in a dog with a tad more listening ability which brings me back to puppy kindergarten theo had attended two sessions of puppy kindergarten it s not like he flunked out the first time he performed admirably for the teacher i was rather embarrassed to tell our nice and highly competent teacher who became a good friend by the way that his behavior at home remained slightly lacking which is a synonym for atrocious so about a year later we re enrolled him in a different class with a teacher who didn t know him or us theo was his typical little psycho self wonderful and terrible about evenly divided i remember the parting words that the teacher marty gave us she said theo is extremely smart but he s almost never listening when he s engaged he s anticipating not listening he knows what you are going to ask next he s one step ahead of you i guess that was a compliment of sorts theo was a genius on the other hand i was not when we decided to try to teach henry something anything we went back to marty it had been a few years but she recognized us although she was happy to see that my husband and i had returned i could see she was surprised too i imagined her wondering what in the world we were doing with another dog when the first had been so obviously beyond our ability marty s first class her introduction and overview was done without the dogs she wanted to meet the parents and outline the course without the distraction of unruly untrained adorable puppies there were many of us all happy new parents all overwhelmed by our little ignoramuses marty divided the group into three classes for training little dogs bigger dogs and crazies totally irrelevant to the story but amusing were the crazies when mary asked which dogs should be in the crazy group a good third of the attendees voluntarily got up and joined the group one guy wasn t sure so marty asked him what breed of dog he had he said airedale marty laughed you ve got an airedale and you aren t sure whether he s crazy are you in for a treat back to my story and this has been a long way to get to one of the best pieces of advice i have ever received in my whole life marty had her little schipperke with her he did all kinds of cute tricks showing us how fun it would be to have a well trained dog and in between his performances he d run back to his crate and jump in happily and lie down eventually marty brought up crate training she pointed out that a crate was not a punishment and treats can be given in the crate so the crate becomes an enticing place for a dog and dogs should feel that crates are their safe place a sanctuary however marty said dogs don t have to spend the night in a crate it s okay if they do but they don t have to marty explained your dog can sleep with you think about this sleeping together is about the most bonding experience you can have and you don t even have to do anything it s the easiest thing in the world why you can sleep through the whole thing and i had a revelation maybe a minor revelation what some call an aha moment but that idea that you can bond without effort made so much sense to me being there that s all it is effortless bonding when i was a teenager i loved my dad but as happens with teenage angst i didn t exactly know how to relate to this hard working quiet man but i stumbled on a wonderful activity on sunday afternoons dad loved to watch a game on tv basketball football baseball whatever season it was and i could sit with him and watch we occasionally shared comments mostly with me asking questions why is that a penalty foul out but we didn t even have to talk we just watched together so i got to be with dad and it was so easy effortless bonding not everything has to be deep and soulful sometimes just being there is enough visit loved ones at home in the hospital in nursing homes just go my sister used to go over to our parents house every day at 7 30 for wheel of fortune when my father needed to be in a nursing home she went there for wheel of fortune and then it was my mother s turn in the nursing home wheel of fortune they didn t have to have meaningful conversations they just guessed letters together go to funerals and wakes some people worry that they won t know what to say just say i m so sorry sit in the back if you want but stay be there it can be easy to talk to good friends but how about acquaintances a co worker going through a divorce go to the movies with her sit by her side watch a sad movie a wedding where you won t know anyone go get all dressed up smile a lot thank the bride and groom for asking you to share their day a family party with relatives who argue bring a game a deck of cards help with the cooking or better yet clean up sit on the porch with a neighbor give a kid a ride yes it s incredible to have a profound connection with someone but don t minimize the importance of your simple physical presence your presence counts words can be secondary you can bond with the dog while you sleep and you can bond with a human watching tv it doesn t have to be complicated it s effortless bonding overwhelmed but improving nancy december 23 2022 15 comments it s been quite a while since i wrote last i ve been very overwhelmed you probably don t need the word very with overwhelmed but it makes me feel better to use it i need the extra emphasis that adverbs bring about a year ago i took on an extra job i already had three part time jobs i paint watercolor pet portraits this business is my post retirement passion i paint a portrait or two every week and my paintings have led to a second job i ve been offering painting workshops at area libraries the participants bring in a photo of their pet and i help them paint their pet s portrait they ve painted mostly dogs and cats but we ve also painted some fish birds horses rabbits and even recently a tarantula it s great fun and i may even expand to senior centers i usually schedule just one or two a month but it s demanding because a lot of preparation is involved eighteen months ago my local library was looking for a part time bookkeeper i hadn t been looking for a job but when i saw the ad i just knew i wanted to do it i ve always wanted to work in a library i applied for the job had an interview the next day and was hired immediately and i love it to work in a place full of books with people who love books perfect so that s three part time jobs that s pretty busy for a retired person then there s my writing book club house two dogs four cats my online spanish lessons and a husband all while my mother was very ill and about a year ago i got a phone call another job offer our town s small historic movie theater had closed during the pandemic and now it was being re opened as a cinema and arts center the board of directors knew i was the library s bookkeeper could i do their books too well i love movies and free movies were involved but here s the thing i didn t take the job for the money or the movies i took it because they asked me first i am not good at saying no second my ego kicked in yes my ego definitely stepped over my better judgment i didn t apply for the job they called me that made me special and important so i told them and myself that i could do it it was a work from home job no commute i could keep my own schedule an hour here and an hour there i paint my portraits i prepare my workshops i have good time management skills right what i forgot was that i want to paint ollie and fluffy i do not want to pay for soda and raisinets what i forgot is that it s relaxing to put on an audiobook and listen to a story while i am preparing palettes for my workshop it is not relaxing to clear paper jams from my printer when it s eating bank statements and i did not realize how nice it is to file away my finished work in the library s file cabinets and be done with it i could go home i did not realize that being a home based bookkeeper meant that the work would be on my dining room table just sitting there making me feel guilty if i actually wanted to do anything else can paper give you a dirty look it certainly can it didn t take me long to figure this all out it just took a long time to admit it last christmas i had been doing the cinema bookkeeping for about six weeks i was visiting my mother in the nursing home her illness had progressed to the point where she was not always coherent but she was having a good day she remembered that i had taken on the extra job and she asked me how it was going mom has always been my confidante my sounding board i told her the truth a mild version of the truth anyway i said that i wasn t really enjoying it it was a lot mom is a worrier even with some dementia so i added but i haven t been at it very long i figure i will give it another couple of months to see if it gets better as i get more used to it mom said well okay but then she said more lucid than she had been in months just remember that two months can be a very long time when you are unhappy i think now that she was so present and so clear because she was being my mom she wasn t helpless she was needed we all respond to that i did give the job another couple of months but not two months i gave it six months every week i was more stressed and more overwhelmed i had dwindling patience and no tolerance for anything going wrong i was always one minute away from a meltdown my poor dogs my poor husband i decided in the summer that i would quit telling my boss and the board took another few months i gave my notice in october and gave them another four weeks i have to admit that i worried about my fragile little ego that i would feel bad if my boss easily found someone to replace me if the new bookkeeper would make it obvious that i had done a terrible job luckily when they hired someone i wished them all well and helped in the transition if the new bookkeeper is competent and they love her that will be wonderful it doesn t reflect on me that s a revelation for me a small triumph of sanity over ego so all in all i worked for a year at a job i didn t really like and didn t have time for that s enough i think i m happy to be overwhelmed at my normal level the anniversary nancy july 30 2022 16 comments now that i have been working on flash short short fiction i remembered this story i wrote and posted eleven years ago it was my attempt to think like a man which i admit i suck at i m seventy one and i still have no idea how men think the anniversary ah damn i did it again maryann had that hurt puppy look that she reserves for only me i just don t understand you what is so difficult about remembering one single day i m really sorry i tried hard to keep my eyeballs stuck right in their sockets as she always accuses me of rolling my eyes when i am insincere and i was in enough trouble already years ago maryann had this framed embroidery thing she called it cruel but i never really got that since i thought it was kinda pretty that her great aunt florence or flora or some such old lady name i know mildred gave us for a wedding gift it was all little silver bells and in fancy writing it said the bells rang for joy for maryann and frank on this day july something nineteen something it hung right above the dresser where i saw it every morning when i put my wallet back in my pocket for the day it was sort of like the emission sticker expiration on your car it s not like you really notice it but it sort of gets absorbed so you have this physical sense of the date but about five years or so ago maryann redecorated the bedroom and she took the damn thing down it s way too sweet she said confusing me even more on the cruel thing anyway there s been hell to pay ever since the first year the embroidery came down i forgot our anniversary maryann was upset and i took her out to eat at one of those too expensive restaurants and the next day well the next weekend i went out and bought her pearl earrings the second year i got credit for remembering i think maryann must have been complaining at the office because mike this guy who sits near maryann in the next cube calls me at work at work and says whispering like it s your anniversary maryann would really like flowers and sent to the office so everyone will know what a prince you are i owe you i said no shit said mike a case of rolling rock man i was in good shape for weeks that year but mike transferred to claims a few months later and i haven t remembered since so maryann was sitting across the table from me with a look on her face like she just broke a toe i really am sorry you know i have a terrible memory i tried again you don t seem to have a bad memory for other things if this was important to you you d remember you just don t care now it was taking real work for my eyes not to be pinging around my head why can t she just tell me why can t she just warn me a day or so ahead but no she s got this goddamn idea that if i don t remember myself it doesn t count no honey it s real important to me the best day of my life i m just shit for brains with dates oh yeah she countered i bet you r...