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the public query slushpile absorption second revision skip to main skip to sidebar mar 6 2010 absorption second revision click here to read the original query click here to read the first revision dear agent x at first brett johnson is convinced that the hive mind is a malignant entity intent on devouring humanity enraptured by the strange beauty he discovers he must determine if war is unnecessary or if he s been tricked and seduced himself major johnson is sent to deliver an ultimatum the planet oceania must abandon the nanotechnology that links individual brains into a supermind or prepare for war to demonstrate that the federalist worlds are not merely driven by fear and ignorance he reluctantly agrees to learn to use the technology himself without completely joining the overmind during negotiations he rashly seduces a beautiful woman hoping to distract her from the hive mind he believes may destroy her with her help he learns more about oceania than his superiors could have imagined but begins to question what he s been told is the hive mind truly an entity seeking to absorb humanity or a collaborative tool enabling people to perform superhuman feats of intellect he can only find out by becoming part of the supermind if he was right all along and no individual can ever leave he will never know what he s lost and those who hear his report may not understand until it s too late if his doubts are correct it may well be too late to convince his superiors and the home world of the woman he comes to love may be wracked by a devastating and unnecessary war absorption is an 80 000 word science fiction novel i received my masters of library science from the state university of new york at albany grateful regards david weisman posted by rick daley at 7 45 pm labels science fiction 4 comments a j frey said i recommend leaving out the first paragraph start with the ultimatum it is a much stronger paragraph with the exception of the passive sentences watch your ly words merely completely truly etc also double check yourself for punctuation you are missing a few commas you want it to be top notch you also have quite a few passive sentences and adverbs one question that came to me was who are his superiors who sent him i like the concept and think you have a great story this query is much improved from the others hope this helps march 6 2010 at 9 06 pm shelley sly said i agree with ajfrey above this is your best query yet but skip the first paragraph and lead us in with a strong hook major johnson is sent to deliver an ultimatum that is a more powerful opening sentence than your current opening the next sentence is a bit confusing without a comma i d stick an either in there too just to clarify that there are two options the planet oceania must either abandon the nanotechnology that links individual brains into a supermind or it must prepare for war i also think there are instances where you need to add a comma as well as change the dash to a comma with her help he learns more about oceania than his superiors could have imagined but begins to question what he s been told otherwise i think this is great you re definitely giving a clearer picture of the plot which sounds fantastic march 6 2010 at 9 35 pm david f weisman said thanks again ajfrey shelley sly with your help and the help of those who made suggestions for the previous versions my query letter will be completely polished by the time the manuscript is march 7 2010 at 2 16 pm amy said okay here s what i see 1 the first paragraph is confusing it doesn t throw me into the story it makes me wonder what i m reading the deliver an ultimatum sentence is a much stronger start you might consider splitting the to demonstrate into another paragraph making the first paragraph just the ultimatum try rewriting the during negotiations sentence he was trying to save her not distract her right address punctuation on the next two sentences i think commas are appropriate i know this is a big one but i would either delete all but the first sentence of the next paragraph or i d shorten in up a lot if you re brave you could just reword the first sentence to be punchier is that a word i think you re trying to highlight the tension in the book the this or that but it s not working here s an attempt there s only one way to find out he must become part of the supermind overmind you use that term once he could be absorbed into the hive or he could become something else you don t really describe what is the alternative if it s something else he must find a way to save the woman he loves and her world from destruction duh duh duh that s the skeleton of it i don t know if that helps i just think that last part needs to be more dramatic not cliche or gimmicky but dramatic this is the hook where the agent will either say huh or ugh the book sounds very cool kind of borg meets avatar good luck march 9 2010 at 4 12 pm post a comment newer post older post home subscribe to post 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