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the public query slushpile query reign of magic revision 2 skip to main skip to sidebar aug 10 2012 query reign of magic revision 2 click here to read the original query dear lewan gasped as a mysterious force ripped through the army killing thousands of men instantaneously he was only a volunteer answering his king s call to war why was he the only one spared and how did this happen magic was just a story told to scare small children but what else could kill an army in seconds lewan flees the battlefield and reports the events to his king but no one believes him no one that is except the watchers a secret organization dedicated to destroying magic the watchers are unable to eliminate the magical power and must contend with politics and internal coups as they struggle to contain the situation to make matters worse a sorcerer appears in the land after centuries of absence with an agenda of his own a power struggle ensues a fight between men and kingdoms to control a force long hidden from the land magic devastated the realm in centuries past and without interference it will happen again reign of magic is a completed 75 200 word fantasy for adult readers it is told from three points of view lewan the watchers and the sorcerers i have one published short story in byline magazine thank you for your time and consideration sincerely posted by rick daley at 9 37 am labels fantasy 5 comments gj said i m going to assume that this was posted before you had really absorbed the comments on the previous version it doesn t address the big problem you present lewan as the protagonist but then promptly drop him so the final problem mentioned belongs to someone else not him the new language demonstrates where things go wrong in using manuscript language in a query lewan gasps is a perfectly useful sentence in a manuscript but it s not right for the query it s showing something that can and should be told there is an aspect of show don t tell that applies to queries but this isn t it do show the character doing something heroic show the voice as humorous or dark or whatever the voice is show that there s a thrilling plot line show these things don t simply tell that the character is heroic the voice is humor dark etc the plot is thrilling but don t get down to manuscript level showing e g the character gasps in the query that s where you simply tell the agent this is what you need to know about the character and the inciting event assuming lewan is your protagonist the query should start out much briefer telling instead of showing lewan is a common soldier who for no reason he can fathom is the sole survivor of a magical slaughter of an entire army okay that s a great set up but now what does he do not what other people do not what magic does but what does lewan do what does he know as opposed to what he does not know how is it a problem for him how does the problem get worse for him if the king is the protagonist instead then start with the king when a common soldier reports that his entire army was slaughtered by magic the king does something and then the problem gets worse pick one protagonist and tell his story no relay races where the first protagonist passes off the story baton to the second protagonist who passes it off to the third protagonist etc the first character mentioned should also be the one who s doing something about the problem that s described in the last sentence of the query and someone should be doing something about that problem rather than the problem just hanging out there in the air august 10 2012 at 5 28 pm anonymous author said even in a novel four pov characters is extremely difficult to pull off well and you would have to have a really good reason for doing it but that s by the by august 10 2012 at 6 05 pm charissa said fantastic september 23 2013 at 1 11 am guilherme said thanks for thhis january 26 2024 at 8 04 am anonymous said inline fuel pump nearby bang xxl nearby best bang disposable online best place to 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