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by persifler i see him every day looking back at me i see his contempt and raise him loathing we tried to be friends once we merely tolerate each other s existence now i m not sure i ever liked him now our enmity is our common bond i d spit in his eye but then i d have to clean the mirror posted in uncategorized tagged enemies self deception self loathing leave a comment a mother s day story that needs telling saturday may 8 2021 by persifler i ve told the story tears unbidden regarding the death of my father this is the story about mom s passing mom passed on friday july 21st 2006 this is the story that led up to her home going after dad died in 77 mom grieved hard very hard there were days that to tell the truth i don t know what kept her going for the better part of the following year every day i would come in from school and would find her sitting at the dining room table crying her eyes out i had lost my dad and in some respects i had lost my mom there for a while often she would tell me that the only thing that kept her going was me that if it wasn t for me that she would just as soon die and leave this world so she could be with my dad and with jesus her savior in heaven i know that she was trying to give me comfort or something but the way that she presented it was pretty rough to deal with at that time so for at least a year it was very sad existence she finally decided that she needed to go to work and do something to get her mind off of her grief because the way she was going was not healthy she had the skills to work in the office because that s what she did before she got married and became a housewife and stay at home mother but she chose to take on physical work so that she could work herself numb to where she could just come home and collapse more than once she told me that she chose to do physical labor in the school cafeteria as a way to work herself to exhaustion so that when she came home she would be too tired to grieve unfortunately that s not the way that it worked out she was exhausted and she continued to grieve in the meantime i graduated high school went on to college went in the marine corps and got married the last year of my enlistment i got a call from mom saying that they had found cancer and she was going to have to have treatments in 1991 the marine corps gave me a humanitarian transfer closer to home so that i could be near to help get her to her treatments and doctor visits that was a fairly rough year on all of us we didn t realize the consequences of the treatment that she took and how that would affect her there at the end the radiation treatments caused arteriosclerosis or hardening of the arteries from about the middle of her stomach down through her pelvis and down to just above the knee on both legs she had surgerical replacement of the damaged arteries that would come into play at the end thankfully she beat that round of cancer and was around for many years so we fast forward to about 2003 2004 this time the diagnosis was lung cancer surgery was performed and they took out about half of her right lung in order to get the cancer things looked pretty good for a while unfortunately lung cancer is a b and you may beat it in the lung but it has a tendency to either go up into the brain or down into other vital organs in mom s case it settled in the adrenal gland at the kidneys mom quickly developed renal failure and was put on dialysis i can tell you with out reservation because mom made it very clear how much she detested being on dialysis she got to the point where she actually made me promise her that if things got worse that i would not let her die at dialysis if it was at all possible she begged me to not let her die at dialysis as the cancer progressed and the renal failure took its toll she began having other complications namely that just below the arterial replacement on the left leg her own artery collapsed and her left leg was dying on her if you have never seen that happen to a person you cannot imagine the amount of pain that they have because the blood supply is no longer getting to where it should we literally watched as her foot begin withering and dying on her by this time hospice and palliative care had been called in to give us a hand but mom was a very independent woman and she absolutely refused to go into hospice care at their facility another conversation that mom had with me was that i was not to allow them to carry her to the hospital or there to hospice care because she wanted to die at home she did not want to die in a hospital she did not want to die at dialysis she wanted to die at home and to the best of my ability i saw that her wishes were carried out after much pleading with the doctors regarding pain management of her left leg the doctors finally scheduled a surgery to put a stint in to open the artery back up so that she would have blood flow restored to that leg at the time the doctors were not sure that she would even survive surgery but the pain was so bad that surgery was the only option mom was given the option of either the stint the doctor gave it less than 50 chance of success or they could do an amputation and take the leg off but she would probably still have phantom pain even if they took the leg off the doctors had serious reservations about her even surviving that surgery at the time i did not fully understand why they were not helping her more but looking back i now understand that they just didn t want to tell me that she was that close to death the stint surgery went well and she pulled through and did much better with pain management after that unfortunately she had some recovery problems and was in the icu for a while and that was always fun with mom because she did not do well on high powered pain medications especially if they were opioids and caused hallucinations we had some interesting evenings with the icu staff and mom eventually she was well enough to come home and the pain was manageable she was no longer in that awful moment by moment pain that she had before but she took constant care i had already been living over there at night and tammy was dropping the kids off at school and coming over and helping her out until time to go get the kids from school and then we passed in the evenings and she went home to take care of the kids as i got off work and took care of mom that s just the way mom wanted it she didn t want non family taking care of her that s just the way she was and when she would talk to other family members she was very chipper and she played her pain and her her problems very close to the chest if you just talked to her on the phone you wouldn t know that she was in the pain that she was in and you wouldn t have known that she was as close to death as she was which brings us to the evening of wednesday june the 19th the hospice nurses had told us that week if mom did not want to go to dialysis that was fine because it was her choice and that she shouldn t be made to go to dialysis if she didn t want to we didn t realize things were so close to the end i did not read between the lines and understand they were saying things were really close now that wednesday evening mom spilled her drink sitting on the couch and got it all over herself and the floor i knew something was up looking back i m fairly certain that she had a stroke we cleaned her up and we were able to get her back to bed and let her get some rest and sleep the next morning she didn t wake up normally and as we were talking to the hospice nurses they said that it s time to call the family in so i started making phone calls to let everyone know that if they wanted to say goodbye to mom they probably needed to get here kasey and daniel were on a church youth trip and we got a hold of the youth pastor and let him know that they needed to be brought back home as soon as possible they made it back that afternoon of the 20th the friends and family there on that thursday got to see her rally sometime after noon when everyone was in the room she woke up the kids were there and she was telling everybody that she loved them and it seemed like she was in good spirits but the hospice nurse told me on the side that this is a rally this is her saying goodbye to her loved ones in fact she was in such good spirits that everyone left that evening thinking that there would be more time about 1 00 in the morning the hospice nurse came in and woke me up she said that it was about time that mom was having a very hard time breathing her heart rate was all over the place she was very agitated very labored and if i had anything i wanted to say i should say it the hearing is the last thing that we lose just before death no one will ever be able to convince me otherwise i went into the room and her breathing was very labored and she was fighting you could tell she was fighting so i started talking to her and knowing that her favorite song was amazing grace i began singing it to her the hospice nurse joined in and we sang amazing grace to mom whew this is tough to get through i can t see the keyboard by the time we got to the third verse mom s breathing changed it was much less labored and she was no longer fighting we sang it again along with several more songs that i knew she loved i can t remember what they were now but we just had church right there that evening the spirit of god with there in that room that s the only way i can explain it that evening i was able to say everything that i needed to say to my mama there were no shoulda coulda woulda s one of the last things i told her was that she could go ahead it was time to let go there was nothing holding her here and she can let go of this world with all the pain all the suffering all the heartache and she could go home that no matter how long i had left on this earth i d be along directly that i would do everything i could to make sure her grandchildren came along as well at that moment i knew she had peace i gave her a kiss and told her i loved her it was about 3 00 in the morning and i was wore out so i went and laid back down for a little while then about 6 00am the nurse came back in and woke me back up telling me your mom is gone mom had gone home to be with her lord and savior for those who didn t live that last year with mom especially those last six months you could never understand my reaction to mom passing i was glad for her she was beyond the pain the suffering and the hurt of this world yes i was rejoicing about her home going because i knew what it meant i couldn t cry then that moment she passed from this world she was truly alive more alive than she d ever been in her life and i could not grieve that she went home and i celebrated that my tears flow freely now but even now the tears of joy out number the tears of my loss happy mother s day mom if you want to know more about this peace this joy and the reason i celebrate my mom s passing with joy i d be happy to talk to you about it it s all about the good news found in jesus the christ posted in afterlife childhood death family god gospel life love memories parenting thinking leave a comment the unexamined unlived life saturday october 31 2020 by persifler who wants to live forever especially if the life was never truly lived if life was only a dreary existence in a tedious job bereft of passion and imagination would it really be worth living and yet here i am posted in uncategorized leave a comment re begin the beguine saturday october 31 2020 by persifler a lesson in failure and just how much misery one is willing to accept and tolerate the fact that i never followed through on this post is testament to the amount of failure i am willing to endure i never really understood the phrase you can lead a horse to water but you can t make him drink until now the horse has to want it and until you want it you won t do it and you won t want it until it becomes priority quite the commentary on my priorities isn t it i have been loath to write this particular blog as it highlights the fact that i failed the first time one thing about life is that it s always in flux always changing never really settled sometimes i feel that life is a series of attempts at nailing jell o to the wall case in point my battle with the bulge 7 years ago 8 now almost to the day i started a fitness routine and i was very motivated i worked very hard at it and i d lost almost 80 lbs but i then i ended up losing the battle i lost my motivation i lost my will i lost and in losing i gained everything bad back and then some 7 years ago i started off at 322 lbs it was bad really bad i had let myself go and i really didn t realize in how bad of shape i was i vowed that i would never let myself go there again it s amazing how well we lie to ourselves we tell ourselves we will or we won t do something and then turn around and do the very thing that we vowed we wouldn t today i weigh in at 342 5 lbs somewhere along the journey i fell into self sabotage i remember reading about self sabotage somebody said that self sabotage takes place because there s some some conflict some issue in our lives that is causing us pain or suffering and we know that we should do something about it but we don t therefore we react at a subconscious level sabotaging ourselves in other areas of our life an intriguing idea to be sure but no matter why i had begun a serious campaign of self sabotage against my efforts to lose weight and get in shape it killed my motivation and eventually as with most things in my life i quit again i m not saying this to necessarily beat myself up over it it s just stating facts so why do we do the things that we do i believe that we act out of either a great desire to make a change or fear or we just become so miserable that we i have no other option i would like to think that i am acting out of a deep desire to become healthy and and get in shape but the reality is this time around it s the misery factor i have become so miserable in my own body that i ve got to do something the thing about losing weight and getting in shape is that it s never done it s a doing that will never be done because when you stop doing then you re done posted in uncategorized leave a comment islands saturday october 31 2020 by persifler john donne said no man is an island i submit we have become just that individual islands we are not self sustaining islands but islands nonetheless more and more we insulate and isolate ourselves the more we detach from others the more we see others as a threat at worst an inconvenience at least the farther we draw away the easier it becomes to shut others out it s a spiral it s a designed spiral the less we are around people the easier it is to dehumanize them once we start down that path we are lost and i fear that in america these days we are a long way down that path already posted in uncategorized leave a comment as sparks fly upward friday april 17 2020 by p...