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prepare for the end of an era and yet it s just not i m a believer in the notion that kids leaving home means parents have done their job however as it is with many things it s easy to be a believer before that notion becomes a reality the tricky part is remaining a believer as one faces the end of an era swiftly fly the years home is bleeping burning posted december 7 2016 author pinkunderbelly filed under cancer fatigue literature uncategorized tags als audible audio books caring for a sick parent dan marshall home is burning lou gehrig s disease memoir mormons parents with als parents with cancer parents with terminal diseases salt lake city utah 4 comments i heard an interview a while back with dan marshall who wrote a memoir about caring for his terminally ill parents yes you read that right parents plural both of marshall s parents had a terminal disease his mom s lymphoma and his dad s als amazon com the book home is bleeping burning tells the story of the marshall family who except for their copious and creative cussing sound like a regular american family living their lives and doing their thing until their regular lives are upended by health crises here s how amazon describes it for the marshalls laughter is the best medicine especially when combined with alcohol pain pills excessive cursing sexual escapades actual medicine and more alcohol meet dan marshall 25 good job great girlfriend and living the dream life in sunny los angeles without a care in the world until his mother calls and he ignores it as you usually do when mom calls then she calls again and again dan thought things were going great at home but it turns out his mom s cancer which she had battled throughout his childhood with tenacity and a mouth foul enough to make a sailor blush is back and to add insult to injury his loving father has been diagnosed with als sayonara l a dan is headed home to salt lake city utah never has there been a more reluctant family reunion his older sister is resentful having stayed closer to home to bear the brunt of their mother s illness his younger brother comes to lend a hand giving up a journalism career and evenings cruising chicago gay bars his next younger sister a sullen teenager is a rebel with a cause and his baby sister through it all can only think about her beloved dance troop dan returns to shouting matches at the dinner table old flames knocking at the door and a speech device programmed to help his father communicate that is as crude as the rest of them but they put their petty differences aside and form team terminal battling their parents illnesses as best they can when not otherwise distracted by the chaos that follows them wherever they go not even the family cats escape unscathed as dan steps into his role as caregiver wheelchair wrangler and sibling referee he watches pieces of his previous life slip away and comes to realize that the further you stretch the ties that bind the tighter they hold you together in the interview marshall read passages from his book and just so you know the language and some of the topics in home is bleeping burning may be less than pleasant for some readers does it mean i m weird crude uncouth all of the above because i really relate to and enjoy the mom who is the most prolific with her cussing also note that the marshalls live in salt lake city but are not mormon and there are some non pc comments made about their mormon neighbors perhaps this book is not for the faint of heart but then again neither are terminal illnesses or recurrences or sick parents as greg marshall the author s brother so eloquently put it for the marshalls life is a contest to see who is _____ est bravest weirdest grossest we take our lack of filter to superlative heights perhaps my own lack of filter attracted me to the marshalls story it could also be because i too cared for a sick parent i too experienced the strange role reversal that comes with caring for a parent i write often about the terrible yet honorable practice of becoming the authority figure and advocate for the person who until their illness took hold was the authority figure and the advocate for me i write often about how my mom s death affected me and continues to affect me that s why my ears perked up when i heard about dan marshall and his memoir this passage got me hit me hard reminded me of my own sweet mama without the cussing this passage describes the family discussion on christmas day the topic is how the family will handle mom s lymphoma recurrence and dad s new als diagnosis dan described his mom s stance upon learning her cancer had come back she wasn t just going to roll over and let cancer f her to death she was going to fight and fight hard and she suggested we all do the same indeed may we all do the same does it ever end posted december 5 2016 author pinkunderbelly filed under breast cancer cancer fatigue kids tags biology breast cancer breast cancer and young women cancer cancer battle cancer diagnosis cancer fatigue cancer journey cancer recurrence cancer research cancer sucks family ptsd real world schoolproject 7 comments over the weekend my favorite girl asked me to help her with a project for her biology class she s a freshman in high school now this is what she looked like at age 8 when i was diagnosed with cancer i took this photo the day before my bilateral mastectomy this is my favorite girl today i know right how does that happen anyhoo back to the story my favorite girl is doing a project for her biology class on a disease or disorder that has a chromosomal component she chose breast cancer she needed the basic info of my cancer stage treatment etc as well as ancillary materials photos and such that tell the story of her subject s experience with said disease or disorder i pulled out my bulging cancer catch all my binder that holds all my paperwork like pathology reports that was easy because it s all facts this scan was conducted on this date and found this then she asked for the not so easy part details on how my cancer affected me while there are indeed facts involved with that part too something else is involved as well which is what makes it for me the not so easy part feelings the dreaded feels i don t like feeling the feels associated with my cancer experience i refuse to refer to it as my cancer journey because to me that word implies an end point with cancer there doesn t seem to be an end point i don t like it so i m not gonna use that word six years out i don t think about my cancer experience nearly as much as i used to hence the loooooooong periods of radio silence from this blog as with most calamities time does smooth out the rough edges but with my favorite girl asking me for all the gory details that dark period of my life surrounded me again when exactly do we get over this at what point does the calamity of cancer lose its potent punch i d like an eta on the return of peace and tranquility can someone please tell me when to expect an easing from the powers of the cancer calamity because i need to know that at some point cancer will no longer upend my day like a sucker punch and leave me reeling wondering why i feel as i ve been run over by a truck that will happen right even though my cancer experience is no longer the petulant toddler whining for a pack of skittles in the grocery store checkout area apparently that cancer still packs quite a punch the simple act of flipping through my medical binder to locate information for my girl s project sent me on a one way trip through bad memories and scary places i see myself from a distance as if i m watching myself on a screen in the blink of an eye i m no longer a survivor whose scars are a badge of courage instead i m instantly transported back to that time those days that period i hate that cancer has the ability to do this i hate that cancer still controls me like a bad habit or a selfish lover my cancer has a hold on me other people s cancers have that power over me too like my sweet mama s cancer that rat bastard smiles and licks its lips knowing it is the puppet master and i am the puppet i should know better than to expect to be done with cancer after all i ve been thinking about it and blogging about it for years as i wrote early in 2011 another things i ve learned on my cancer journey is that someone keeps moving the finish line i ve only been at this for 10 months yet have seen my finish line recede sidewind and fade into the distance it starts even before diagnosis with the testing that s done to determine if we do indeed have a problem get through those tests which in my case were a mammogram an ultrasound or two and a couple of biopsies then there s the actual diagnosis and getting through that becomes an emotional obstacle course following the diagnosis are lots of research soul searching and decisions but even when those are through the real work is only just beginning after the big decisions come still more testing mri ct scan pet scan blood work another biopsy and that s just to get to the point of having surgery get through surgery then through recovery and just when i think i may be getting there i realize that even after recovery i gotta learn about re living which is kinda different when normal has flown the coop and there s a new status quo involved you might think that finding the new normal would be the end but guess what now there s the maintenance and screening if you re the kind of person who makes a list and takes the necessary steps to reach the conclusion you re screwed because there is no end i can t even see the goalposts anymore i should know damn good and well that there is no end so why do i keep looking for it 6 years plus posted may 3 2016 author pinkunderbelly filed under uncategorized 21 comments mastectomy day 5 13 2010 last week marked 6 years since i was diagnosed with breast cancer i thought about it a few times on the actual day april 27 but found myself pushing any thought out of my head not because i shy away from thoughts of my cancer journey good luck getting out of such thoughts y all anyone who has been down this road or who has watched as someone they know has gone down this road knows that is a futile effort that s a very long sentence with a simple idea at its core if you have been diagnosed with a serious illness thoughts of that illness come randomly and often personally i m in a limbo like state of wanting to acknowledge the passage of time between d day and today while also not tempting fate my rational brain knows that recurrence and fate are not intertwined yet my scardey cat brain wants to skate far from any potential jinxing my babies 6 years ago i m not at all sure what to say or how to feel about 6 years ned no evidence of disease i hate to even type that acronym for fear of unleashing the beast that has already turned my life upside down and left me permanently changed i feel like a shit heel for even mentioning my ned status when so many lovely people many of whom write stellar blogs currently have cancer as a recurring character in their lives i know that could just as easily be my fate and i know that it still may be my fate see that s the thing about having had cancer regardless of type or stage once you ve heard a doctor say some version of it looks like cancer you will never be the same if you happen to be one of those who believe that cancer is a gift you may want to stop reading right now and head on over to another website any other website because i remain resolute in my opinion that if cancer is a gift i say no thanks in reflecting on 6 years post cancer i remembered a letter i wrote to my younger self i need to re run it and i need to do that now dear younger me listen up missy that college dream of yours to light madison avenue on fire with clever advertising campaigns isn t gonna happen you don t like the big city too many people and way too many germs that other dream of writing children s books isn t going to happen either at least not anytime soon you do end up reading a whole lot of good ones though to a couple of precious kids who look so much like your baby pictures it s scary your smart mouth will get you into a fair amount of trouble i d tell you to be careful go easy and use restraint but we both know you d flip me the bird and keep right on sassing i can tell you that eventually you do learn the fine art of holding your tongue but it will never come easy that sweet loyal smart cunning and unmatched yellow dog who grips your college aged heart will never let go she will protect you and then your children for nearly 15 years she will guard the entrance to the nursery and sleep under the crib she will show you her back when you get out your suitcase because she knows you re leaving if only for a few days her time on this earth will grow short but she will stick it out longer than anyone expects because she will insist on seeing you through an even rougher patch the death of your sweet mama guess what girlie your sweet mama keeps a tight grip on your heart too not a day passes without you feeling the loss in big ways and small ways note to self don t give up on trying to make her pie crust it won t ever be like hers but keep trying just about the time cancer steals your beloved mama you ll start getting an annual mammogram you re ahead of the schedule thanks to that mama stealing cancer and every year the mammogram will come back funky don t settle for the dense tissue rationale there s a tumor growing and it ends up taking up a lot of space both in your body and in your life look i know you re going to be busy living your life and raising those two little kids when the diagnosis comes but please brace yourself because it s going to get ugly fast and say a little prayer to the environmental services gods who control your operating room on the day of your mastectomy maybe we can avoid that post mastectomy infection that will reorder your life and btw the bilateral mastectomy was totally the right choice good girl for following your gut there will be no hint not a single whiff of cancer in your left breast but it s there give up right now on thinking your cancer journey will be one and done it will be more circuitous than you can ever imagine and it will change you in ways you won t discover until years later oh and before you even begin that circuitous journey you re going to have to deal with melanoma on your right foot i know who puts sunscreen on their feet right hate to tell ya that even though you catch it early the surgery to remove the melanoma will be the most painful thing you will experience yes it s worse than childbirth and a bilateral mastectomy oh yeah about childbirth when your water breaks the baby is coming yes he s early no you haven t finished the birthing class or packed your bag but it doesn t matter and you re going to get teased for decades for reading ahead in that what to expect book on the toilet in the middle of th...