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Text of the page (random words):
period i turned 50 in march counted the weeks the days my last cycle started viciously with a flood of blood so painful and strong that i leaked through a supersize tampon and overnight maxi pad while deplaning in cusco on the way to see my parents a week later my husband arrived and we didn t have any condoms so as tiny as the likelihood i had to pee on a stick for old time s sake only this time this time i did not want to see the double line never have i been so happy to get a negative july was my first blood free month since i was last pregnant 13 years ago it s been 50 days now and counting posted in uncategorized 1 comment reboot january 7 2023 monday we start school again today saturday i m sitting at a café where i just dumped a 12 oz americano coffee all down my front left side sweater wrap dress jeans soaked in now cold coffee an inauspicious beginning to the time i ve been planning to spend preparing for going back to school this morning over breakfast my father in law said contemplatively vacations always end but then so will the school year that s the thing i suddenly realized i never felt like last year ever ended it s been a long stressful slog was 2022 i m here to try to strategise for 2023 how to get through the year not just in survival mode not just scrabbling not gasping for breath and dog paddling but swimming with a sense of direction and purpose with an end in sight january is supposed to be a time for new beginnings and i want to begin with the end in mind i need to find a way to do this more methodically and proactively not just reacting not just gritting my teeth to get through the day the week posted in uncategorized leave a comment this old pond february 27 2022 last night i couldn t sleep the old pond of my mind kept kicking up detritus and sediment to swirl murkily under the serene surface of lily pads and lotus i remembered a story a friend told me years ago when we were in college together in the upper midwest he said that when he was a teenager growing up in the philippines he joined a local dojo to learn a martial art i don t remember which one his teacher would sit on him grinding one elbow into his chest until my friend had a permanent bruise over his breastbone a tender and painful spot that he learned to reflexively defend that was precisely the purpose of this injury this bodily harm so that the boy would never let anyone get near that spot would react at lightning speed to knock away approaching blows this past week rough footsteps stomped through the shallows of my mental pond boys playing for the most part in their own ignorance grappling to understand the world we share and where our perspectives so many times to not match but their rough and ignorant words upset me later in the week though telling my sister all about it i cried for the first time over the tremendous grief their words gave me stirring up old hurts i realised in that moment not for the first time how much i intellectualise my sorrows and old wounds partly trying to understand and partly trying not to feel because feelings are overwhelming and all day friday tears kept coming over inconsequential things that tender and painful spot over my heart any small bump the lightest touch making me flinch for example a friend laughed because her husband wore yellow leather shoes one day you cannot wear those here in tirana where dandies are not welcome apparently this made me cry example two in a meeting with our director about school policies on internet use i slammed my laptop shut and shouted that she was constructing a straw man argument to mock my position which would grant students more autonomy whereas she was pushing for more control and oversight it was a clear overreaction the other person at the meeting my immediate supervisor said later sympathetically it s hard not to react when it s an issue you really care about yeah i said i guess but do i really care that much about critical thinking it s just been an emotional week here s the thing i teach at an evangelical christian school where the dominant discourse is that if something is christian it is automatically excellent i grew up with a form of christianity that ground a permanent bruise into my heart my reflective implicit assumption is that if it is christian hashtag not all christians i really mean evangelical it will hurt me i spend a good part of every day deflecting what i perceive to be incoming blows to the chest even from students and they are children mostly by keeping silent on any number of issues and conversations it s been better this year working under a direct supervisor whom i like and trust but it still wears me down posted in uncategorized leave a comment scattered december 7 2021 i m feeling quite scattered this morning thinking about now and yesterday and next year and this week and christmas it s just too much i don t know where to start in on my work today maybe i just need to make a list posted in uncategorized leave a comment mine and not mine march 22 2021 there are moments when i feel choked by grief grief that is not mine except in the way that it is everyone s grief the grief of our collective humanity other people s losses become mine as well and i wish my boundaries were not so permeable i have a yoga practice that is helping me to let it go posted in uncategorized 2 comments how far can my compassion for my past self go february 25 2021 i m thinking about my writing projects more than i m actually writing but at least it now feels possible to write as opposed to the final months of 2020 when it certainly didn t i m very stuck with my memoir project the roadblocks and barriers loom large what i don t want it to be is much clearer than what i do want it to be when i broke up with my very serious too serious hs boyfriend i kept all the letters and mix tapes and t shirts and jewellery for a few years until after i graduated from college our relationship was long distance for years i was 14 when we started going together and 19 when i told him over the phone that i didn t want to marry him so we shouldn t be together anymore he was about to graduate from college and move to where i was to start a graduate program at my college i broke up with him when i realized i didn t want him to come but i had all these letters notebooks actually we were on separate continents so we wrote our letters into notebooks and mailed them every time one was filled i wrote about three times as much as he did i kept them in a box but when i had graduated and was about to move to bolivia i couldn t figure out what to do with them i wrote and asked if he wanted them back but he never responded i tried to read them thinking that i could learn something from revisiting the past it was too hard my dad seemed to think i should get rid of these things just detritus so i buried the box under an apple tree on my grandfather s farm where i was living that summer i regretted it later i still regret it some years later when he d been married to a very nice girl for several years and i was still single he wrote me and said he still had all the notebooks that i had sent him and did i want them back and i kind of did but also i didn t and since i didn t have his notebooks anymore i couldn t offer an exchange i know there was art and poetry and recorded music in that box which has i am sure disintegrated under what is now a corn field even though it was no longer valuable to me and i have no desire to retrieve it i think it probably had value to him and compounds the loss of our relationship as i began to delve into memory two years ago began to interview with classmates i hadn t spoken to in a quarter century i found so many gaps in my memory blank spaces where they recalled significant events like the time one of my classmates drove his motorcycle to school past an unknown person who had recently died left by the side of the road likely by guerrillas and when i talked with my ex boyfriend he remembered me writing to him about this at the time but hearing the retelling now pinged no memory for me now zero nothing just a blank where the telling and retelling of it used to occupy some space in my neural network what else is missing what could i have written in those notebooks as a teenager so earnest so pious so full of angst that i no longer have access to now my rationalization before when i buried his notebooks and refused my own was that whatever was meaningful and significant in our relationship was already inscribed in me had already shaped me and so it was ok to let go of these material artifacts when i re read my college journals which i have kept it s non stop cringe i was obsessively focused on another boy on earning his love on mastering and disciplining my yearning for him which i failed again and again to understand i fear that re reading those high school artifacts would be more of the same i have great compassion now for that girl that i was and i understand her better from the vantage point of now she was a child so this is one of my mental blocks how do i reckon with the loss of my written record of those years with my destruction of my ex boyfriend s gifts can i forgive myself for burying that box under the apple tree can i forgive myself for breaking his heart can i forgive myself for staying in a stupid relationship for that long how far can my compassion for my past self go posted in uncategorized leave a comment unexpected february 12 2021 on wednesday afternoon the prime minister announced via facebook that all high schools grades 10 12 would be going online starting the following day so whiplash again this has meant an unexpectedly quiet work space even though our 9th graders are still here happily bouncing around the warmer side of the building complex which also has better wifi bonus this also means that even though i still have to trudge to and from school every day i have only a fraction of the study hall morning check in and lunch duties as before and i m so happy this also means that this afternoon i have an unexpected space of 3 hours to do whatever i feel like it i ll be sitting here by the space heater writing posted in uncategorized leave a comment grief january 31 2021 this month two of our friends have died from covid both dads my husband s age we live so far away that it hardly seems really but as we slowly absorb this knowledge the grief slowly rises and with it the fear the feeling of death encroaching a million years ago in another century another lifetime a friend and colleague of mine died in a bus accident and i remember her husband saying at the memorial service cover your loved ones in death because that will cause you to live your love for them daily to be present to their presence listen to their beating hearts and love them posted in uncategorized leave a comment self assessment january 14 2021 i think that overall i m doing better i m more cheerful and less tired since i have started doing two things journaling and yoga meditation before bed 20 30 minutes i think and staying hydrated throughout the day i m working on a system to actually track these things but it s made enough of a difference that my husband has noticed my journal entries have a structure now too i write down two things that gave me joy that day one thing i want to leave behind a blessing for someone who is on my mind and finally an intention for the next day i ve observed more follow through on specific intentions like call the dentist than general hard to measure ones like less twitter i know intentions are supposed to be more like seek contentment or something but this is what is working for me i ve been mulling over what my theme should be for this year several people have mentioned that that works better for them than specific resolutions i m leaning towards something like contemplation as i biked to school today the snow dusted mountains inspired this feeling there are so many things going on right now in the world and in my immediate sphere of influence that could just derail any serenity i have not but despite everything i feel more serenity now than i did in the final weeks of 2021 posted in uncategorized leave a comment resolute january 5 2021 i may not be as strong as i think but i know many tricks and i have resolution the old man and the sea ernest hemingway this past fall in my english 10 class we read the old man and the sea it was better than i remembered having read it some 30 years ago in high school myself the lesson plans i followed the old man s quality of endurance and resolution my husband read something about resolutions that stick apparently people are more likely to keep resolutions of two kinds resolutions to do something you enjoy anyway and resolutions that reflect personal aspirations i want to be the kind of person who fill in the blank if i think about it that way i can find a focus for my resolve i want to write more this year and i want to be the kind of person who practices yoga every day i found a bedtime routine that i like and it s become something i look forward to posted in uncategorized leave a comment older entries this blog used to be called project progeny about project progeny nutshell blogging since 2006 backstory 3 years ttc with unexplained if 3 cycles on clomid 2 high risk pregnancies gestational hypertension pre eclampsia 2 cesarean births illyria born 5 08 oscar born 7 10 all names are pseudonyms creme de la creme 2014 the best of the adoption loss infertility blogs of 2014 october 2026 m t w t f s s 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 aug blogroll a little pregnant anona mom anxious mummy awkward moments big p and me blood signs certainly not cool enough to blog conceive this doctor grumbles i presume flotsam happy go lucky here we go again impersonating normal it is written in the stars above jauss haus lfca maybe baby not the path i chose of course you ll get pregnant outlandish notions project kjetil purgatory raspberry chip relaxing doesn t make babies reproductive jeans serenity now slow mamma stephanie snowe the blog sticky but sweet stirrup queens and sperm palace jesters tears are for babies the after life the guild of knitting kninjas the infertile breeder the long journey third time lucky too many fish to fry una loca trying again recent posts transitions reboot this old pond scattered mine and not mine archives august 2023 january 2023 february 2022 december 2021 march 2021 february 2021 january 2021 december 2020 november 2020 october 2020 september 2020 august 2020 april 2020 may 2019 march 2019 january 2019 november 2018 october 2018 september 2018 august 2018 march 2017 january 2017 december 2016 november 2016 may 2016 april 2016 march 2016 february 2016 january 2016 november 2015 october 2015 september 2015 august 2015 july 2015 april 2015 march 2015 february 2015 january 2015 december 2014 november 2014 october 2014 september 2014 aug...