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day camp to go to a new beach on the far south side of milwaukee county good wind healthy waves clean packed sand a bag full of snacks a plastic bucket and a shovel two towels and just a few other families i let the waves knock me around a bit then sat down on a towel to build a cairn which paulina quickly wrecked then watched as she wandered off with her pail to fetch wet sand a few yards from her there were what seemed to be plovers tiny birds i d only known to be in the u p i laid down on my towel and looked at the sky the clouds moving so fast it almost made me dizzy and i realized that it is okay to be happy for a long while after our daughter died i d catch myself feeling pretty good and then think hey what s happened was a terrible tragedy and so everything every little bit every bite of breakfast every load of laundry each story read all the good nights and good mornings everything has had the sheen of tragedy even when we were laughing but now i think the sheen is wearing off gone in some spots dull in others all because i realized that it is okay to be happy i love this i feel like the waves are taking me to a good place share reds wrap share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like this like loading snippets in a bowl of marbles posted on august 12 2026 by jan wilberg 3 comments i put together sixty seven of my 100 word stories into a chapbook called snippets a graphic artist whom i ve known for close to fifty years created the cover and then carefully laid out the stories this is harder than one might think because of how a chapbook is constructed it takes skill i know this because i tried laying it out and it made me crazy the idea of the chapbook was to print it and give it away so i ordered 100 copies and i ve been giving them to people i like friends family people in my writing groups if recipients weren t standing directly in front of me i mailed them copies i liked this it felt like sending things for christmas real things not gift cards or presents in big fabric bags from amazon i gave a copy to each of my children including the daughter who passed away in june she remarked on one story having to do with nicaragua adoption page 32 asking if it was about when i came to nicaragua to bring her back to america it was she didn t say anything else about the story whether she liked it or not but i noticed that when the nurse asked her to pack up her less essential things prior to a move to icu she put snippets in the grocery bag that also had a small plant i d given her that had wilted earrings and a beaded purse that a friend had brought i could never figure out why and several self help books i guess because visitors thought being quite ill in a hospital is a good time for reflection she kept other books oh well i could make something of that in the giant bowl of marbles that is the aftermath of a child s death everything can have meaning i think of that when i look at the small stack of chapbooks on my desk how i gave one to my daughter and she gave it back maybe it was for safekeeping she didn t say there s no way of knowing there s no need to know i just stir up the marbles on move on share reds wrap share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like this like loading night swim a story posted on august 10 2026 by jan wilberg 1 comment it s been a night swim these past few months after our daughter s death but now i m finding the raft it s good she d dreamt of swimming across the lake a thousand times the dreams were always the same there was a full moon that shone on the water like a spotlight soft though sweet and rolling with the waves she saw herself swimming always in a red suit the skin on her back and arms perfectly white alabaster as if she was a statue come to life her stroke was smooth with a two beat kick her body rolling side to side like she d been taught in high school her swimming was languid in her dream and endless she swam forever and it was beautiful after a night of dreaming she sat in a canvas chair under a tree the sun was up but just barely the coffee from the old percolator was too hot to drink so she held the mug in her hands for a good long while contemplating the distance to the other side of the lake was it a mile two miles she could see children playing on the dock across the lake they stayed the summer in the blue cottage a raft bobbed some distance from their dock she could swim there she thought but it would have to be at night she was afraid not of the water not of swimming but of the dark she had never swum in the dark not in a pool or the ocean or a lake she decided to set out that night to make the dream real to swim in the dark because if she did if she swam to the raft across the lake she could do anything dinner was a hot dog and a hard boiled egg she drank water and a half a bottle of gatorade and then went inside in tiny cabin to put on her swimsuit her only suit a black one the black would blend into the water she would be seamless and smooth and lovely like her dream she had fished with her father in this lake together they d trolled the edge of the bass beds in an old rowboat but got their biggest catches in the open water northern pike struck hard on their lines the struggles sometimes went on for long minutes her father watched her reeling and pulling and never offered to help until the pike was next to the boat then he would scoop up the fish with his green net dumping it slowly at her feet because of how long it took to land the fish she would have to use pliers to get the hook out of its mouth her father showed her how to put her foot on the fish s body and then reach in and twist it took a long time but her father waited for her his hand on the tiller never moving except to light his cigar she rubbed her face thinking of the northern pike and their angry looking jaws do they swim at night or sleep what do fish do in the dark it was dark very dark when she waded into the water she felt minnows fluttering around her ankles she knew those minnows she d held them in her hands when she sat in the water sunning in the afternoon they were tiny and silver and so perfect she d thought of swallowing one just to feel it glide down her throat minnows were like silver a necklace come undone she still had her father s minnow bucket in the corner of her kitchen wading in knee deep and then thigh deep and then letting go of the earth to float in the water seemed final somehow like these could be her last steps in this life and she was giving herself over to timelessness all of her memories of the lake floating with her she began to swim she kicked and stroked and breathed in a rhythm she d known forever rolling with her breathing stretching out as far as she could watching the moon come out from behind the clouds the weeds wrapped around her right leg first and then her left she d known the weeds were there a patch of them bordering the edge of the lake right before the drop off she knew that from fishing looking over the edge and seeing the tall waving stalks give way to a deep so deep she couldn t see the bottom she kicked and pulled reaching down with her hands to pull the weeds off her legs and throw them in the distance she shuddered thinking about it how easy it might be to sink or for a pike to find her wriggling turning back would be okay no one would know one way or the other she could make coffee and sit in the dark by then the moon was pouring its light on the water as in her dream the light folded out in front of her her strokes slicing the water like knives clean and even no splash this is what she had wanted this swim in this darkness and this light the night was still except for her quiet breathing and fine drops of water falling from her silver hands she swam this perfect way across the lake the raft had a metal ladder she held on to the lowest rung her legs hanging resting her breathing quiet like a thief slowly she climbed on to the raft and then laid down on the rough wooden planks the raft was very old but sturdy and she felt safe and comfortable lying there so much that she fell asleep only waking when the moon had disappeared back behind the clouds and the wind had picked up she was cold she didn t think about getting back to her cabin it didn t matter to her she sat with her arms wrapped around her legs and waited for the sun to come up ______________ photo by jaunathan gagnon on unsplash originally published in july 2024 share reds wrap share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like this like loading nola at the splash pad posted on august 7 2026 by jan wilberg 4 comments nola sat down on the next bench she was smoking a long cigarette maybe a benson hedges like i used to smoke she looked over at me how old are you i stood up to get closer she asked her question again how old are you pretty i joked except she didn t get it asking her question a third time i told her my age she told me hers i told her she was just a kid she rolled her eyes and took a long drag it looked dreamy that drag even though she seemed steamed about something not my age or me but something else she pointed over at the slide that s my great grandchild he was sliding down face first landing inches away from my granddaughter who was playing dead at the bottom of the slide another girl walked over and put her hand on my granddaughter s chest to feel a heartbeat declared her still living and they all laughed and ran to the top of the slide my granddaughter lived with me a long time and then she had this boy and she just took off and so now i m raising this boy i don t want to raise any more kids she scanned the couple dozen kids playing in the water and the nearby playground looking for one that might be attached to me there weren t any other white people there not adults nor kids all black except one little hispanic girl and her anglo grandmother that s my granddaughter pointing to the girl playing dead again i thought about it a minute and then i said her mom died a few months ago so now she lives with us nola looked startled your daughter died and i could see her calculus was having a daughter die worse than having a granddaughter run off and leaving her son for you to raise i have to go nola said looking around for her great grandson she dashed off even though the boy kept playing with his new hispanic friend she didn t say goodbye and i didn t see where she went i just sat back down on the bench and listened to all the kids laughing share reds wrap share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like this like loading checking worries off my list posted on august 6 2026 by jan wilberg 3 comments daily writing prompt what s something you used to worry about but don t anymore view all responses my daughter dying in a foreign country i m free from this worry because she died here in the united states instead of in nicaragua where she had been living could i be any more macabre this morning on the back porch i said to my husband i don t want people to feel sorry for us he took a sip of coffee put the cup down on the porch table and said if they read your blog post last night they re going to feel sorry for you i suppose the price for public lamenting is catching all the oh poor you vibes let loose by your moaning oh well i don t know what i m doing with this getting over it business i do recall a friend who lost two of her children and who found a million reasons to avoid my consoling her i finally in my ignorant determination went to her house with deli sandwiches and ice cream she eschewed the sandwiches but picked a bit at the ice cream she told me things that made me so weak i could eat neither a sandwich nor the ice cream the sorrow was like acid rain and she knew it she could see it dripping on my innocent well meaning self like my friend i don t want anyone bringing me sandwiches and ice cream i don t want anyone to ask me how i am doing or how my granddaughter is doing we re all fine i ll say i want to maneuver through the world in a bubble of my own construction there s only one person i trust with my puzzling and opining and second guessing and that s the person i ve been married to for forty two years we meet on the back porch and sort things out and then revisit and rediscuss and then when something has been chewed to death we put it aside and watch the squirrels hop on the fence like they think we can t see them i am glad to be free of the worry of my daughter dying in a foreign country it s one less thing we have to talk about on the back porch share reds wrap share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like this like loading today at the playground and afterward grief tunes posted on august 5 2026 by jan wilberg 3 comments after a great sand filled barefoot pants wet from the rain on the slide visit to the playground my granddaughter hurt her finger somehow getting into the car she told me her finger was broken and she started to cry we drove out of the playground parking lot she cried louder we got on the main drag to go home by then she was wanting her mommy calling for her mommy in the most plaintive lamenting way and then more tears genuine tears heartache tears like it had come upon her all at once that she had lost her mom her mom had died she says that matter of factly to people my mom died it is a thing that has happened but the calling out for her mommy the lamenting is something else altogether it happens in private with just me and her grandpa it is a four year old s gr...