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Text of the page (random words):
se minnows she d held them in her hands when she sat in the water sunning in the afternoon they were tiny and silver and so perfect she d thought of swallowing one just to feel it glide down her throat minnows were like silver a necklace come undone she still had her father s minnow bucket in the corner of her kitchen wading in knee deep and then thigh deep and then letting go of the earth to float in the water seemed final somehow like these could be her last steps in this life and she was giving herself over to timelessness all of her memories of the lake floating with her she began to swim she kicked and stroked and breathed in a rhythm she d known forever rolling with her breathing stretching out as far as she could watching the moon come out from behind the clouds the weeds wrapped around her right leg first and then her left she d known the weeds were there a patch of them bordering the edge of the lake right before the drop off she knew that from fishing looking over the edge and seeing the tall waving stalks give way to a deep so deep she couldn t see the bottom she kicked and pulled reaching down with her hands to pull the weeds off her legs and throw them in the distance she shuddered thinking about it how easy it might be to sink or for a pike to find her wriggling turning back would be okay no one would know one way or the other she could make coffee and sit in the dark by then the moon was pouring its light on the water as in her dream the light folded out in front of her her strokes slicing the water like knives clean and even no splash this is what she had wanted this swim in this darkness and this light the night was still except for her quiet breathing and fine drops of water falling from her silver hands she swam this perfect way across the lake the raft had a metal ladder she held on to the lowest rung her legs hanging resting her breathing quiet like a thief slowly she climbed on to the raft and then laid down on the rough wooden planks the raft was very old but sturdy and she felt safe and comfortable lying there so much that she fell asleep only waking when the moon had disappeared back behind the clouds and the wind had picked up she was cold she didn t think about getting back to her cabin it didn t matter to her she sat with her arms wrapped around her legs and waited for the sun to come up ______________ photo by jaunathan gagnon on unsplash originally published in july 2024 share reds wrap share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like this like loading nola at the splash pad posted on august 7 2026 by jan wilberg 4 comments nola sat down on the next bench she was smoking a long cigarette maybe a benson hedges like i used to smoke she looked over at me how old are you i stood up to get closer she asked her question again how old are you pretty i joked except she didn t get it asking her question a third time i told her my age she told me hers i told her she was just a kid she rolled her eyes and took a long drag it looked dreamy that drag even though she seemed steamed about something not my age or me but something else she pointed over at the slide that s my great grandchild he was sliding down face first landing inches away from my granddaughter who was playing dead at the bottom of the slide another girl walked over and put her hand on my granddaughter s chest to feel a heartbeat declared her still living and they all laughed and ran to the top of the slide my granddaughter lived with me a long time and then she had this boy and she just took off and so now i m raising this boy i don t want to raise any more kids she scanned the couple dozen kids playing in the water and the nearby playground looking for one that might be attached to me there weren t any other white people there not adults nor kids all black except one little hispanic girl and her anglo grandmother that s my granddaughter pointing to the girl playing dead again i thought about it a minute and then i said her mom died a few months ago so now she lives with us nola looked startled your daughter died and i could see her calculus was having a daughter die worse than having a granddaughter run off and leaving her son for you to raise i have to go nola said looking around for her great grandson she dashed off even though the boy kept playing with his new hispanic friend she didn t say goodbye and i didn t see where she went i just sat back down on the bench and listened to all the kids laughing share reds wrap share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like this like loading checking worries off my list posted on august 6 2026 by jan wilberg 3 comments daily writing prompt what s something you used to worry about but don t anymore view all responses my daughter dying in a foreign country i m free from this worry because she died here in the united states instead of in nicaragua where she had been living could i be any more macabre this morning on the back porch i said to my husband i don t want people to feel sorry for us he took a sip of coffee put the cup down on the porch table and said if they read your blog post last night they re going to feel sorry for you i suppose the price for public lamenting is catching all the oh poor you vibes let loose by your moaning oh well i don t know what i m doing with this getting over it business i do recall a friend who lost two of her children and who found a million reasons to avoid my consoling her i finally in my ignorant determination went to her house with deli sandwiches and ice cream she eschewed the sandwiches but picked a bit at the ice cream she told me things that made me so weak i could eat neither a sandwich nor the ice cream the sorrow was like acid rain and she knew it she could see it dripping on my innocent well meaning self like my friend i don t want anyone bringing me sandwiches and ice cream i don t want anyone to ask me how i am doing or how my granddaughter is doing we re all fine i ll say i want to maneuver through the world in a bubble of my own construction there s only one person i trust with my puzzling and opining and second guessing and that s the person i ve been married to for forty two years we meet on the back porch and sort things out and then revisit and rediscuss and then when something has been chewed to death we put it aside and watch the squirrels hop on the fence like they think we can t see them i am glad to be free of the worry of my daughter dying in a foreign country it s one less thing we have to talk about on the back porch share reds wrap share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like this like loading today at the playground and afterward grief tunes posted on august 5 2026 by jan wilberg 3 comments after a great sand filled barefoot pants wet from the rain on the slide visit to the playground my granddaughter hurt her finger somehow getting into the car she told me her finger was broken and she started to cry we drove out of the playground parking lot she cried louder we got on the main drag to go home by then she was wanting her mommy calling for her mommy in the most plaintive lamenting way and then more tears genuine tears heartache tears like it had come upon her all at once that she had lost her mom her mom had died she says that matter of factly to people my mom died it is a thing that has happened but the calling out for her mommy the lamenting is something else altogether it happens in private with just me and her grandpa it is a four year old s grief we come home and go in the kitchen she pulls out the silverware drawer and sits underneath she says the lights are too bright so i turn them off and turn on the softer light over the sink she watches while i peel sweet potatoes the tears are still coming but she isn t sobbing she is just saying i want my mommy i hug her and tell her i am sorry that her mommy is gone that we miss her too and i know that to be true because i went through the second drawer of my desk today and i found the one of the pictures of her mom that i had been looking for to display at her memorial service the one with her in her high school graduation gown her head buried in her dad s shoulder and her dad looking so goofy and proud it broke my heart whose grief is whose i know this much my granddaughter s grief has taken my mind off my own the need to surround her and protect her has superseded any grief or loss i let myself feel but all of this is getting harder to stow away in the drawer i found a tiny little mermaid figurine my granddaughter saw the figurine on my desk and asked to take her in a bath she asked if her mom played with that little mermaid and i said maybe because i couldn t remember but probably yes i don t remember all the things there is an avalanche heading toward me and i have nothing on but shorts and an old t shirt that is what i know about grief right now nothing share reds wrap share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like this like loading writing bleak posted on august 5 2026 by jan wilberg leave a comment i wrote this on august 5 2017 nine years later i m in a different spot about death and grieving i ll write about that later today two posts on the same day wild the problem with writing when you re anxious or a little depressed is that everything ends up being about death your own death your spouse s your kids your dogs the death of the great american city death be not proud you get the idea it s depressing i considered submitting something for an essay contest the topic was the happiest day of your life oddly i remember the happiest day of my life but it lacks drama and angst so i don t think i could write convincingly about it my happiest day it was a hot summer day on lake superior all of our children were staying with us in our old house on the beach i d reluctantly come in from swimming to start dinner and as i was chopping onions my younger son ran into the house yelling mom why did you leave come back swimming and i put down my knife and walked back out to the beach into the water and swam along the shore with him and the other kids and our dog until the sun almost set and my husband was waving to us from the porch it s time to come in for dinner and when i came in kathy mattea was singing love travels on the stereo i found myself wishing the prompt was saddest day or most regrettable day i want to start a post talking about how cocktail hour seems to be starting earlier every afternoon and how investing in two buck chuck has been my frugal move of the month but even with all my little snarls of turmoil i am a strawberry shortcake in the world of agony writing i am nobody s victim except occasionally my own i can t hold a candle to true despair mine is hobby suffering it s temporal and temporary i have friends who are experts at suffering they allude to the physicality of it the aches and pains the lack of appetite why are you not hungry i ask because i am grieving comes the incredulous response me i am not grieving i have avoided grieving but i am afraid of grieving and that itself is putting me in this strange onion like place there are layers to all of this and i don t want to peel any of them away __________________ photo by tobias macha on unsplash share reds wrap share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like this like loading the undocumented bumble bee kite posted on july 28 2026 by jan wilberg 1 comment i am trying to live an undocumented life but it is very difficult when one s practice is to document everything this afternoon flying a bumblebee kite i thought about how i ought to take a picture of the kite more specifically the string running from my hand to the bumblebee s chest that line that string against a completely blue sky was the perfect shot so i looked around for my husband to ask him to get my phone because part of my undocumented effort is to quit carrying my phone in my pocket all the time but he d gone inside after watching the beginning of the kiting if that s what they call it and i knew he was probably napping it was a july afternoon on vacation after all what else would he be doing it wasn t even worth yelling the wind would drown out all but the shrillest most terrifying scream and i wasn t ready to go to such lengths just to take a picture besides i thought one can remember things i remember that when we were kids my brother who was nine years older than me could make a kite out of newspaper and balsa wood having newspaper laying about seems common but why we had a ready supply of balsa wood i couldn t tell you my folks were handy though so they had stuff like vast assortments of nails and screws tools of all sorts tiny screwdrivers vices that would hold thing still my dad could fix a toaster and tie a fly my mother turned dresses into curtains and vice versa all of which goes by saying of course we would have balsa wood and probably enough lumber to make a rowboat if the need arose so my brother would make a kite i can see him doing this in my mind s eye the newspaper spread out on the kitchen floor and then when the kite was done he d tear up old cloth to make the tail it needs more tail he would say and then outside when we tried to fly it he d say it again it needs more tail then flying a kite seemed like something i would never be qualified to do at least not without my brother i don t have a picture of my brother making a kite or flying one i have almost no pictures of my brother even though for many years he was my great defender and caretaker ...