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vruth leave a comment today is good friday and the year is 2020 there will never be another good friday like this i hope our churches are closed because of the coronavirus and we are all trying to find ways of keeping the triduum at home some have created prayer spaces with symbols that mean something some have watched a hundred videos on facebook and youtube and some clergy have felt inadequate at the expertise of others why didn t i learn all this it stuff before the lockdown began why didn t i prepare better and if someone said that to me i would tell them that doing your best is just fine but today i m not hearing it today i m grumpy and in a bad mood and i m missing my good friday from the first year that i became a christian holy week has been so very special for me the sights the sounds the smells all take me to that place far far away and long long ago since being ordained i have tried faithfully to share some of that life changing week with my little flocks through stations of the cross art fasting meditations candlelit compline preaching the passion the veneration of the cross foot washing shared meals prostrating at the garden of repose and the joy of holy saturday and cleaning the church and preparing it for easter day i love holy week yes it makes me cry but after the tears come hot cross buns and you know you have to go through the agony to appreciate the joy of easter today i ve been thinking about death my own death i am shielding at the moment which is the strictest kind of self isolation for those who have an illness that puts them at high risk of catching the virus some people have one illness which puts them at risk i have a few i have copd lung disease and asthma diabetes liver disease and i m on steroids which lower my immune system so i am being very careful indeed about staying indoors and washing everything over and over again but there is still a chance i could catch it when i m at the doctor s for blood tests or at the hospital as i was on monday and i know that if i do get coronavirus i might not survive it for once i m not being dramatic for this is my reality usually i am a glass half full kind of person but today i m not because today good friday is a day for thinking about death and i can t help but think of my own many years ago at the beginning of my ministry i led an evening on preparing your own funeral and i ve repeated them time and time again it is a subject i am passionate about i ve met families who have not even considered that their parent or loved one might die and are totally unprepared for thinking about hymns or burial or cremation or what readings or any of the questions a priest might ask the next of kin prepare your own before you go i d shout and people did and i did and i told my son where to find it and i showed him where all my papers are i could relax all was in hand but things have changed my hope for a full requiem with clergy in black vestments and twelve favourite hymns just won t happen if i should die while restrictions are in place it may be my boys and a priest at the crem it may be short and i m sure sweet but nothing as i d planned and hoped and that s okay to be honest i think my boys might prefer it that way speaking to a friend this week who is also shielding she told me her gp had phoned to check that she was taking all the instructions seriously to the letter and did anyone have power of attorney and did she want a dnr put in place she was shocked and upset she hadn t thought about that and i haven t either i know i hope for a good death a happy death but i also know that not everyone gets that my mother didn t my father didn t i don t want to be resuscitated if there s no hope but i haven t done anything about that yet i don t want to die alone or with a stranger holding my hand in their gloved one i m not frightened of dying but i am frightened of the physical aspects of it and the emotional ones then i listen to the passion story again and again and wonder why i m afraid and feel rather silly so that s where i am this good friday i know it will pass but this is where i am today thinking probably over thinking about death it has been a struggle this holy week i pray that easter will make it better the prisoner of buckstone april 3 2020 april 3 2020 revruth 8 comments it seems that it might be time to revive the old blog however don t go expecting nice pictures and thoughtful prose the reason my study where the computer is is freezing my new laptop doesn t work so i m doing this on my trusty tablet using swype so there will be spelling mistakes and nothing fancy now why the blog revival the world is in the midst of a pandemic called coronavirus we are about 6 weeks into it here in scotland and i have been housebound since 3 march 2020 as i had a chest infection at the beginning and was told to self isolate no warning that it might go on for a while no time to stock up on stuff i had to get cover for church services and turn my ministry into the phone kind once i was feeling a bit better my son lives with me so he became full time carer shopper messenger along with all the rest he does for me at home i started online supermarket shopping and with reasonably good grace we got used to being home all day things got worse the college of bishops started issuing guidance to keep us safe during the crisis first it was no intinction at communion yay then nobody to receive the chalice except the priest no shaking hands at the peace no biscuits after the service and finally our churches had to close for who knows how long that was when clergy up and down the land had to rethink church and quickly if church isn t the building what is it and soon there were priests popping up on facebook saying morning prayer in immaculate studies while i wondered how long it would take to find a tidy yet erudite bookcase to sit in front of and look holy and thoughtful that s when i discovered my laptop wasn t working so ditched that idea the doc told me i had to begin 12 weeks of self isolation which would take me to june as i have a few health issues which make me high risk i had 1 wedding in june and 2 in july so contingency plans had to be made one of my little flock was seriously ill in hospital and i couldn t visit i enjoyed phoning my congregation when i could get them in these lovely elderly people were not going to stop going out until the day came when the government put us into lockdown that s where we are now only allowed out to shop for necessities or short exercise on sundays we gather for a spiritual communion me in the rectory with a candle a cross and my home communion set during the week i email or post the service sheet out along with a weekly newsletter and on sunday we all say the service in communion with one another the same folk are late we all miss the hymns it s all over rather quickly but feedback has been good for the past 2 sundays bishop mark and bishop john have done an online eucharist which we can watch on facebook or youtube so few of my congregation are on social media so they are missing out on that and it s also why i haven t done any services myself that way i feel that i should i don t know how but i could learn i m living with that guilt at the moment social media is my lifeline at the moment i can t get out nobody can visit me i ve not been well i m an extrovert who needs people around me for energy for stimulation but i have a good circle of friends who will chat online when i need it i have low days very low days and good days like everyone and we re told this is normal i ve stopped watching the prime minister s daily bulletins because they are bad for my mental health i can t shop online any more because the whole world is doing it and supermarkets are doing the best but just can t cope with how to prioritise the most vulnerable that can take up a few hours each day just phoning or searching online and it does nothing for my mood but heh we re not starving as many are i need to keep remembering that oh that s enough for first isolation diary let s see if i can upload this more to follow on plans for holy week lent thoughts hospitality april 13 2019 april 13 2019 revruth leave a comment today s lent reading squeezed in between much holy week preparation was a poem by naomi shihab nye from 19 varieties of gazelle red brocade the arabs used to say when a stranger appears at your door feed him for three days before asking him who he is where he s come from where he s headed that way he ll have the strength enough to answer or by then you ll be such good friends you don t care let s go back to that rice pine nuts here take my red brocade pillow my child will serve water to your horse no i was not busy when you came i was not preparing to be busy that s the armour everyone put on to pretend they had a purpose in the world i refuse to be claimed your plate is waiting we will snip fresh mint into your tea lent thoughts home april 11 2019 revruth 1 comment as part of my lent reading i ve been dipping in and out of claire benton evans book food for prayer it contains daily readings throughout the year with good ideas for prayer i read this one a couple of days ago and it has stayed with me and i ve been wandering around my home giving thanks for the little things that make it familiar imagine coming home one night with your family and finding that everything in your house has been taken not just the tv and the stereo but the carpets the toilet rolls and the hooks for your coats that is the premise for alan bennett s story the clothes they stood up in it explores the effect of such a comprehensive burglary on a prosperous middle class couple mr and mrs ransome what she did miss and this was harder to put into words was not so much the things themselves as her particular paths through them there was the green bobble hat she had had for instance which she never actually wore but would always put on the hall table to remind her that she had switched the immersion heater on in the bathroom but with no bobble hat she d twice left the immersion on all night and once mr ransome had scalded his hand in your prayers today walk around your home and appreciate the little things that make it familiar take some time to thank god for these everyday comforts perhaps using these words we bless you for the chance to be ourselves for the tasks that weave the pattern of our days for the sweet familiar round of ordinary things blessed are you strong sheltering god giving thanks for my reclining chair fresh bed linen my new red spotty tablecloth many pictures and paintings which take me to faraway places in my mind my favourite fountain pen gloria the printer and photocopier making books for holy week a pebble from brighton beach a smelly candle giving off the scent of raspberries and oh so much more when i was made homeless i lost most of our stuff and learned that stuff was just that stuff we survived without it in time i bought more stuff and none of it matched and that didn t matter and now i have too much stuff in my home but all the clutter tells a story and in time the stories hopefully will remain when the stuff is long gone pauses april 2 2019 revruth leave a comment https music youtube com watch v fze3mxlnfnc list rdamvmfze3mxlnfnc listening and watching pausing from piles of paper spiegel im spiegel a cello and a piano slowly thoughtfully emotionally a hand lifts slowly in the air pauses then gently hits the key but it is in the pauses that the beauty lies and then a touch on my shoulder a paw tentatively rests and pauses pawses have you forgotten that i m here she watches the pianist and his balletic hand pause and listen i tell her listen to the pauses that s where the music lies lent thoughts peace march 25 2019 march 25 2019 revruth leave a comment cats have been on my mind this past weekend a friend whose cat died recently mourns her loss another friend is moving house and her cats are anxiously sitting in the packing boxes and rita kitten decided my lap was the best place to be yesterday afternoon until my legs went numb imagine my delight then when today s lent reading took me to janet morley s book the heart s time and this poem by dh lawrence pax all that matters is to be at one with the living god to be a creature in the house of the god of life like a cat asleep on a chair at peace in peace and at one with the master of the house with the mistress at home at home in the house of the living sleeping on the hearth and yawning before the fire sleeping on the hearth of the living world yawning at home before the fire of life feeling the presence of the living god like a great reassurance a deep calm in the heart a presence as of the master sitting at the board in his own and greater being in the house of life morley goes on to talk about the profound relaxation of the cat before the hearth being about contemplation and being fully present in the presence of god and of the present moment to anyone who has watched a cat extend its whole body in ecstatic sleep exposing the fur of its impossibly long belly to the warmth of an open fire the image is compelling it is the antithesis of any sort of hunched up fearful prayer rather the animal arches itself to experience the greatest possible pleasure from the presence of the fire it may not understand what causes the warmth it enjoys but it intends to receive maximum advantage from this source of life i look at rita kitten now curled up not stretched out and envy her peacefulness she has no to do list no worries or concerns about phone calls to be made no emails to answer no preparations to be made for this or that she twitches an ear towards the sound of children playing outside and decides she can t be bothered going to hiss at them through the window better to just stay cosy and be food will come she is sure of it today i wish to be more like a cat posts navigation older posts search search 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