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naline rush it was mind numbing whatever her tuition teacher taught for the next one hour and a half just flew by she replied saying she needed time then they went on texting throughout the day as usual like they always have for the past few months the next day she met him in class they didn t speak much during class less than normal she didn t think anything was wrong during maths class she didn t bring her textbook she asked to share it he put it in the middle without even looking at her very coldly you could say she felt that it was off putting she didn t mention it though as the day went on subject after boring subject he never once looked at her nor said anything to her he avoided her totally she wonders why that was she asked her friend about it her friend says it s probably because he told her about his feelings whereas she didn t and now he s embarrassed and awkward about it so in chemistry class the last class of the day she told him that she actually feels torn she s worried it wouldn t work out that it would destroy their friendship how she doesn t want a fling an unimportant relationship he said how would she know it wouldn t work out and that was when she realised what he said is true back then she put all her faith in him now she knows better she should have trusted her first instincts she could have saved herself she wouldn t have been hurt and broken in the end she said yes the first smile he gave her was a nervous one initially but then it became his happiest smile he looked as if nothing made him happier except her she was thrilled to be with someone she cares about later she realised that back in that freezing est classroom that she already loves him regardless whether he asked to be more than friends or not they had a great time together truly nothing made her happier than him he never understood that the only person that makes you the happiest has the power to make you the saddest as well that s love see giving someone the power to break your heart but trusting them not to in the end of all this she was betrayed of this trust ever since that day everything went on like a dream or like a fantasy movie he was everything she wanted in a guy funny smart tall the whole knight in shining armour deal the butterflies the stomach flips the fast heartbeats the nervousness she felt around him never went away even after months together he serenaded her treated her like a true queen as he once promised her told her corny lines was there for her when she needed him the late night talks he looked for her when he needs comforting support and she was always there undyingly devoted it s true what they say when in love you feel the world is yours that was how she felt hopefully he did too she thought she was loved really his friends treated her as one of them she never felt awkward among his friends nor him among hers early in the next year he told her to study hard to get good grades for their major exams so they could possibly attend the same college and stay together it seemed to her that he was going to see how far they could go too she felt secure later on he brought up another issue their inevitable difference there was no going around it and it was out of his ability to ignore it any longer he felt guilty for being with her at school he broke up with her she faked a sickness that day to cover up her puffy teary eyes that same day he reversed things he said it was hard for him as well they were together for another 2 weeks before he put her through her own version of hell a real break up this time it s final with no turning back on their fifth month together exact date it was one of her biggest fears what he did luckily that day her best friend was there month after month went on they were never really truly severed from each other sometimes he broke down sometimes her things became different worse than people thought it really was she felt played out and she told him so he vehemently denied she felt tricked there were many other things that she thought and felt that he never knew about she refused to regret anything that has happened so she took them as lessons she will be smart enough not to repeat ever she felt like he underestimated her like she wasn t good enough for him like she was stupid like she was a plaything he kept on changing his mind about whether he loved her or not she got tired of it he was confused with himself and his wants he dragged her down with his constant indecisions and back and forth she couldn t believe he was the same person she was in love with she was so hurt she has lost important people in her life before and she knows herself well enough to know that she doesn t deal well with loss she knew he would be one of those people that changed her she can only pray that it was for the better he told her he felt that they were too young she was never one to believe in this too young thing because who s to say at what age you can love to love is human to eat is human too no one ever told you you can only eat when you re thirty there were many things he didn t understand about her though they continued being friends and fighting in a constant cycle without a particular stop most of the fights consisting of how he blames her saying she couldn t forget the past and get over it while she feels that he s a heartless idiot for forgetting everything so easily she thinks he must either be a brilliant actor a person with absolutely no memory capacity or a heartless god forsaken child that never grew up there was a lot of things said between them that she knows is irreversible and hurtful to the point of no cure but it needed saying she finally realises that he has some growing up to do maturing he knows it too even if he doesn t admit it all the time he blames her for expecting too much of him when in actuality she just trusts him too much she puts him before herself that was how important he is to her she always made sure to tell him how he meant to her because she was paranoid of death she wants him to know all the time she never hid anything she never knew until the day he left her that pain was actually paralysing you just feel numb and blur everything just goes on like normal and you feel stuck in your own timeline she was even suicidal even though no one knew about that she felt so helpless she took that chance of being with him even though she saw the break up coming because she thought she could handle it she thought she was strong enough clearly she overestimated herself finally after one final blow up which was caused by a misunderstanding they ended it their friendship was over no contact whatsoever the turmoil in her mind and heart was something she knew no one could ever understand maybe she was too sensitive maybe she took things too seriously but at least she was sincere to him she was the kind of girl that everyone thought was difficult and hard headed intimidating they never knew how she was with him before he came along she believed and trusted in no one but herself and her mother she believed that no one should have the power to make you happy because what would happen if you lost that person would you be sad all your life she knew it was stupid to depend on people she s been let down so many times before she vowed she wouldn repeat it but she gave him that chance she opened up she told him things no one else knew she had faith they ve tried for so long and for so many times to remain friends but he seems to think it wasn t meant to be she however thinks that if you don t work for it how the heck would it happen she tried to be perfect for him everything he wanted her to be she did everything she could think of to make him happy to make him stay it was all for nothing before him she never tries to be perfect for someone ever she doesn t believe in all that she thinks that she was okay the way she is in other words her friend once said she had a ginormous ego too she believes in herself knows her worth knows what she s capable of she always stood her ground had many unswayable opinions and ideas about everything when she knew him she changed she let her guard down her principles rearranged it happened anyway after years of protecting herself her heart for so long the first time she opens up it gets walked on she can only hope and pray that she has enough courage to love again to trust again she knew this was life changing she did everything she could to distract herself occupy herself she continued her obsessions to refrain thinking about him he became someone she didn t know after all this time throughout the whole infinite silence between them she remembers him she alternates between anger and hurt all the time endless circles there is nothing she sees hears smells touches tastes that doesn t remind her of him she remembers everything she wishes she could be like him so unfeeling and uncaring about it why should she care if he doesn t she has become a slight cynic sadly she used to go awwwh at every romantic scene in movies and books but now when she sees or reads it she hardly believes anything they say because what is said when in love is totally forgotten during fights sad really she believes in fairytales the whole ideal it s true what he said they weren t meant to be and he wasn t the one she knows that since before but that doesn t change her love she s stuck in between she hates him for everything he s ever done every single syllable he s uttered that hurt her the hurt felt like a wound doused in vinegar it stings and unforgettable despite all that she knew she knows her feelings for him he didn t she prays she will heal funny thing about all this is that she learned something she already knew never give your all unless you re sure you could get it back she didn t throughout her life she will remember him as the guy she fell in love with not the guy he became she wishes the best for him good luck with everything he does she hopes he succeeds in life she hopes he finds someone who suits him better than she did and loves him more than she did she is me jo this is most likely my how i became a cynic story stefira s story was written 9 15 pm sunday may 31 2009 yeah okayh i knw like dah centuries i haven t updated but that is for a solid good reason which is uhh i m malas like an ass no wait that s stubborn as an ass which i am too hee anyway as tim puts it malas like a stef sometimes i wonder if that s a compliment or an insult still haven t figured that out yet once i know tim won t be so alive kot suspicious thinking so anyway i freaked clement out like heck early this month cos i started studying then he started calling me sejarah queen which is dumb jsyk cos i don t think i got an a1 as usual ugh my birthdayyyyyyyyyyy was wow wow wow i mean i am only seventeen once and forever pulak tuh p heee my gosh i think afiq was the earliest to wish me then a whole bunch of people i don t think i slept kot then tim called like at 11 46pm terlebih early then he texted at midnight haha xin yi fell asleep anyway thanks so so so much for everyone s wishes okaay i m surprised at every single text i got seriously i m surprised karin remembered she doesn t even remember where milan is it s in italy kan when i went to school which i was late for went up found the last door locked got really annoyed wondering why the heck did xin yi go and lock the back door then went to the second door whaddya know it s locked too now i m bengangfied with fran for making me walk further than i have to though technically it s the same distance in outside the class but still when i wanted to go in through the front door jo came out with this smile that was too wide along with serene she hugged me and didn t let me in i was like weyh i wanna put my stuff lah she said cannot then the back door opened and like a whole bunch of guys most of the basketball team i think meaning most chinese lah heee they sang the happy birthday song for me was so so so sweet i don t really remember who was there i ingat tim karthi nick patrick kee d francis xin yi jun jie and a whole bunch of peopleee like woah xin yi said the chinese version of westlife sang for me perasan was so niceeee and i thought that was the end of that after perhimpunan d and me were talking all the way to canteen i wanted to get some breakfast but ended up with nothing so we went up i found out later that d was supposed to divert me but didn t really work huh the back door was closed again with a note saying please go front in black letters i was like okaaaaay went to fran s door she sits near the door la it had a note saying be ready yeah i was ready to smack whoever shut the doors on me twice today really went to the front door and i had to wait they won t let me in adam and karthi high fived me seventeen times d adam yelled his signature greeting to me penat tau when i went in my classmates were all there along with some others and on aisya s table which was next to mine there was a freaking cake with lighted candles i m so excited about the candles because i honestly don t remember the last time i saw lighted candles or candles even on my cake p presents were surrounding the cake d the message on the ckae was happy seventeenth birthday stef from david and charlie tim i bet the cake girl thought you were david or charlie thanks so much okayh dd you forgot the love of my life edward cullen though heee the presents i got were woah i like them all really got three teddies this year for some funny reason thanks guys you re too generous lahh then balik tim asked me to teman him to basketball court i said okay he closed my eyes with his his dirty boy hands ish made me walk blindly over drains and cracked cement all the way to the form four block into farah s class i don t remember what class are you 4h eh where razman played hero lol was so sweeeet naim gemok cameeee he baked me a flipping cake weyhhh but it was all melted but it was so sweet i think i got diabetes dah by now wow that day was beautifu l weyhh dd thanks technically i got three cakes another from my mum no wonder i m so fat thanks everyone so so so much really for every single detail and thought you put in to make it one of the most special and wonderrful days of my life btw d i malas nak upload photos besides you know what my prezs are kan the next day i met nas outside school she is still the same old nas some people don t change huh still giggly and loud my bestie in standard 4 always will be as of now i am officially not watching angels and demons dah penat watching it so many times though twice isn t many but still it s more than one so it s many to me night at the museum 2 was tremendously funny in a silly and illogical way this is so weird but qamarul thanks for not telling on me really meant the world to me oh went out with the class bawah people as me and jaarvis call them my gosh was so bongokkk ushana paid for my lunch hah padan muka make me late for the movie some more i w...