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Text of the page (random words):
in skip to sidebar my forever babies taite and seth a million words can t bring you back i know because i ve tried a million tears can t bring you back i know because i ve cried if love could have saved you you never would have died tuesday december 5 2017 9 years 9 years i didn t cry on their birthday i have forgotton so many little things i never thought i would there were so many moments that were so emotional so intense so indescribable i thought i d never forget but 9yrs later i have forgotten so many those moments are now only connected through grief so i am grateful for it s intensity i m grateful that grief reflects love and that will never leave me i will forever grieve i am a mum of 3 and my first borns died i will never forget the love that i feel for my baby boys taite and seth 21 11 08 3 12 08 if love could have saved you you never would have died the above is what i posted to fb trouble is i haven t felt connected to my grief i feel like it s a protection the memories aren t so fresh anymore so i feel like to really connect i have to tap into a locked box in my brain and i haven t had time to do that life is busy i can feel it in other ways though i can t sleep and i m feeling a bit more anxious hypervigilant and fearful i feel like until i have a good cry i wont release my emotions properly there was a time when i didn t have a choice the tears would simply fall and were incredibly beyond my control i don t know what is better i m glad i m not a crying mess glad i can work glad i can function but i still need to release these very real emotions sometime i see my psychologist thursday so maybe it will be then i usually go to a support meeting around this time of the year but this year i didn t make the time we had so much going on i don t know if it would have helped i don t know how to grieve this far along on the twins birthday this year i went xmas shopping to the drs just normal stuff i wasn t frightened of being in public in case i broke down early on i avoided seeing other children or babies i didn t do that at all this year we did go out for dinner though and had a cake jett blew out the candles and sang happy birthday which is always cute this morning jett woke up crying saying he missed taite and seth strange thing is i haven t even mentioned their anniversary which was on sunday so i m not sure what that was about that kid is so smart and in tune we still haven t gotten around to see the binary stars i name last year it depends on the weather so it s hard to plan now it s storm season again we can t i m sure we ll get there 1 day so we re almost at the end of another year i wish i blogged more but it takes time and energy and i don t always want to unlock that box in my brain that holds all my big feelings it can be too hard to lock away again well that wraps up another blog post til probably same time next year posted by abby at 11 13 am no comments wednesday may 17 2017 8 years well another birthday christmas easter and mother s day gone without my babies not that they would be babies anymore 8 years old the last birthday was the first birthday i didn t do anything i can t really remember what i did anyway i was ok with it i did name binary stars though we haven t had a chance to see them yet i was sent a certificate with the co ordinates but they sky has to be very clear maybe in the next couple of weeks jett would be excited he knows his brothers are in the stars and speaks of them often my grief has changed so much my life has changed so much but nothing will change my endless love for my beautiful boys i wish they were here i wish i had 3 children here although i d probably go mad i you taite seth forever in my heart beautiful babies xx posted by abby at 12 46 am no comments monday november 23 2015 happy 7th birthday my babies well it was the twins birthday on saturday as planned i did a butterfly release well tried anyway i had a company recommended by another baby loss mama so i emailed him and had the delivery organised so friday i was out for lunch with my dad who is up from nsw and i got a text message that i d missed the delivery anxiety immediately set in but i had also warned myself to expect the unexpected and not get my hopes up so i remained as calm as i could later that day i received a text that they were at the local pick up centre so feeling relieved i went to pick them up it was strange picking them up it took me back to when i first lost them i went through pregnancy and labour yet all i get are these butterflies so i felt a little emotional anyway the next day we went to the chapel as planned i had a good friend there to take some photos my mum my partner and of course my earthside miracle the plan was i would release the first 2 butterflies and jett would release the next 2 so with my friend and her camera at the ready we opened the first box the butterflies were dead if this had happened 5 years ago i probably would have lost my shit totally instead we just all looked at each other and started laughing omg lucky i didn t get my hopes up too much i did feel sorry for the butterflies though i had stopped doing balloon releases due to the environmental issue and now i m getting dead butterflies yeah not how i d planned it so then came the 2nd box in that box one was alive it was really beautiful it flew out and hung around for a while my friend got some nice photos so at least all was not lost not as expected but it was still quite nice i don t think we ll do it again though i have another year to come up with some more ideas it was a really hot day so we went back home drank nice champagne and had a nice swim a couple of my friends popped around throughout the day and it really was such a beautiful celebration of the day i became a mummy that is one thing the that death will never take away taite and seth were my 1st born sons and they made me a mummy today i crashed and burned a little time has gone so fast it s insane i still struggle with the fact that having babies so prematurely has taken away my choice to have more children but i am so incredibly grateful i have 1 living miracle we speak about his brothers often although he hasn t quite got the meaning yet he will eventually he sang happy birthday to his brothers and he cuddles taite and seth s puppies that they got when they were born it s nice that jett cuddles something that did actually touch the twins the puppies are named taite and seth and jett cuddles them saying i m hugging my brothers it is so cute the lead up to their birthday wasn t too emotional i still worked and functioned like normal something that after they first died i wasn t sure i was ever able to do i still love and miss them every day though taite james seth david forever in my heart xxxx posted by abby at 10 50 pm no comments tuesday june 16 2015 a 6 month anniversary i d been feeling really shitty around the beginning of this month i put it down to pms then i realised the date it was around the 3rd of june 6 and a half years exactly since my babies died funny how subconsciously dates can affect you a similar thing happened around march april march would have been taite and seth s due date i hadn t been to a baby loss support meeting in a long time but i felt the need to go it was strange i didn t know why i needed to go or even if i d get anything out of it i went anyway driving there i got that nervous feeling i used to always get butterflies and a little anxiety it was a different group as bonnie babes doesn t run anymore i felt excited to tell my story to people who had never heard it before but still felt apprehensive i have found it hard to share my story the further time goes on which seems strange but it is what it is and i don t know why so i went to this meeting th woman that ran the meeting was a psychologist i found that strange as i d only really ever had peer support the women that went were both pregnant i had been told this before i went and it had been about a year since they lost their babies it was so strange hearing the clarity in the way they told their story their memories were still so fresh it is really strange to think about how much i have forgotten at the time you never think you will but you do 6 years along and some memories have faded it makes me sad in some ways but i also recognise that it s part of moving on it s a protective mechanism grief brings me closer to my boys but i couldn t stay in deep grief forever so it really is a double edged sword so the meeting was god i m glad i went but i haven t been since i might go this month if i m not working another wave of grief has hit this month i think about taite and seth every day it it doesn t really make me sad as such they are just part of my life i can tell when the wave hits though because i can t think of them without feeling sad it s still hard to believe sometimes that this is my reality i have birthed 3 children but only have 1 here who i m sooo incredibly grateful for i don t write much anymore especially here partly due to time partly due to the fact i don t know what to say i ve been saying the same thing for 6 and a half years now i read another babyloss blog last night and her words resonated with me she pretty much said a similar thing she doesn t write anymore because she s only repeating herself i miss you i love you what else is there to say i m planning to do a butterfly release this year for their birthday i must get my act together though the time always creeps up on me but if i want to do this i need to plan ahead i had a photo pendant of taite and seth which broke so i bought something similar i love it i love having them close to me in some way the only way i can taite and seth mummy loves you and wishes you were here i wish i could know who you d grow up to be instead i just hope that you 2 are watching down on your little brother and i and know that you will be forever in our hearts mummy loves you posted by abby at 9 37 pm 2 comments thursday november 27 2014 taite and seth s 6th birthday how my grief has changed november 21st was my twins 6th birthday it was a nice day mum and i took a nice walk around the chapel then went for a yummy lunch i picked the kids up from school and day care and we had a swim then did a cake with sparklers i got a really gorgeous video of jett singing happy birthday i didn t cry i don t speak about them as often as i used to and when i do it s not with the same intensity things have changed i love them and they are very much a part of the family their stuff is around they re brother knows about them but yes there are many layers added to what was once intense grief i am now parenting living children i m back at work i m studying and yes life is happening i felt so guilty so alone confused by this change i feel i don t fit in i m not a mother who has ever lost a child but i m a mother that is not in the intense early stages of grief either i don t need to feel guilty because this is a natural progression but somehow i do you re grief is as deep as your love i still love them that will never change and some days i can be hit by a an unbearable wave of grief but those days are few and far between now but does that mean that i love them less i ve read some blogs from parents who have lost babies around the same time and it does make my feelings seem normal i spoke to a friend who lost her babies over 10 years ago and she said she stopped crying probably around the 6 year mark i guess it s just strange for me because i have never not cried on their birthday anyway their anniversary is wednesday maybe i ll cry then posted by abby at 9 07 pm no comments friday november 21 2014 happy 6th birthday my angels wow 6 years i say it every year but i can t believe it time goes so fast yet can sometimes seem like yesterday today i am planning to visit the chapel their funeral was held at it s so beautiful then have a nice lunch with mum then in the arvo do a cake candles and balloons in the afternoon with the kids jett still doesn t understand but i still talk about taite and seth all the time i wrote a birthday poem for my babies my birthday boys up in the stars 6 years old it s gone so fast i really wish you were here on earth so we could help you celebrate the day of your birth instead i imagine you both with your wings up in the stars with lovely things having a party with cake and balloons while your angel friends sing you birthday tunes mummy misses you and wishes you were here i d love nothing more than to hold you near you re both in my heart and thought of every day but today is special cos it s your birthday i was actually really proud of that poem i was looking for poems but couldn t find one that fit a lot of poems now reflect the deep intense grief that is felt or more focused on babies my babies wouldn t be babies anymore this is really the first year i don t see them as babies like i did it s strange though because i only knew them as babies so i guess they always will be trigger warning rainbow baby and parenting challenges are talked about it s amazing how grief changes over time parenting a living baby is really so exhausting when taite and seth died before i knew what it was like to actually parent a child 24 7 i put parenthood on a pedestal i think my expectations were so high i thought i d be the perfect mother but i m not some days i struggle i get frustrated tired and all the normal things that come with being a mum this brings new challenges for me though i was a mum for 3 years before i brought a baby home yet i had no idea what it was like i feel so guilty how can i want a break from my beautiful child that is here yet cry and grieve for the ones that aren t on hard days i often find myself thinking that they died because i would have been a crap mum the guilt the guilt does it ever go i do my best to parent all of my children today i even struggled with whether i should send jett to day care or not i decided to though i decided that taite and seth although thought of often they don t get time time where it s all about them i do talk about them still but this far down the track i don t always mention them when asked how many children i have sometimes i even get uncomfortable talking about them because i don t want to make people uncomfortable then i feel guilty for that anyway i guess this is just something i have to live with it is what it is and i need to go with it anyway enough of the depressing crap i am going to get ready and celebrate the day i became a mum the day 2 very special little boys entered the world and changed my life forever taite and seth mummy loves you so much i hope where ever you are you know my love for you will never fade you will always be my firstborn sons the day you died i lost a piece of my heart and i ll always miss you thank you for choosing me to be your mummy some people only dream of angels i held 2 in my arms xxxx posted by abby at 10 06 am no comments t...