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Text of the page (random words):
d back to sleep but this night was different this night she just wanted to be close to her mommy and i was right there because i am her mommy posted by teejay at 11 29 am 5 comments labels baby girl story mommy moments motherhood tuesday june 2 2015 timeh op reminder when i opened my timeh op this morning to see what cute picture i had taken of baby girl this date last year and the year before i was jolted back to this day one year ago i had dropped her off at daycare like any other day she was sweet and cute and smiley i had been working for about half an hour or so when my cell phone rang i saw the daycare s number on the screen and knew something must be up we will name the daycare provider cj cj proceeds to tell me that my sweet girl has a fever of 101 5 and that i should come and get her drats it s up to me because bj is on a big job that he was starting that very morning and he had all of his equipment on site and he wasn t really reachable so i finished up a few quick things and started on my way about 15 minutes into my journey after i left bj a message that i was going to pick bg up my phone rang again it was cj my heart skipped a beat as i shakily said hello this is what she said yeah something isn t right i think i m going to have to call 911 bg is lethargic and not really responsive my heart sank and my stomach turned my mouth went dry and my breaths became quick and shallow i told her to definitely call the ambulance and that i was on my way i told her i d call bj again i could barely concentrate on anything i began crying and begging god not to take my baby from me i called bj and left him another message my next thought was to call my sister in law because she lives very close to daycare and i wanted someone from the family with her until i could get there i called and got her voicemail and then i lost reception and was cut off before my message was complete i dialed again she answered and i hurriedly told her the situation and asked her to go over there she left right away bj called me and i had to tell him everything again because he didn t listen to his message he was leaving the worksite and heading to the hospital i called cj to see what was happening and so did bj it was a frantic 45 minutes after that there were so many phone calls going back and forth between everyone cj quickly told me that bg seemed ok but she could tell that bg didn t feel good they were playing outside and cj was holding her she put bg in a small chair while she tended to another child when she turned around bg was slumped over and she thought she fell asleep her eyes were slightly rolling backwards and she was pretty limp my sil rode with bg to the hospital she was talking to me while on the way i m crying and can hardly focus on the cars around me i was trying to keep myself aware of my speed i told her that bg had fallen the previous day and busted her lip on the hardwood floor but that she was fine after that i mentioned a bug bite she had on her lower back i was trying to think of anything important to tell them my mind was racing i gripped the steering wheel so tight my hands ached i was holding that steering wheel like i wish i had been holding my daughter i remember just begging and begging god to let her be ok and not to take her from me i finally arrived at the er and went to the front desk i was told she was in the waiting room what i hurried over there and my sil was holding bg and bj was filling out papers bg didn t even raise her head when she saw me she didn t reach for me nothing it was like she didn t even know who i was or that i was there i was so scared when i saw what condition she was in she was drooling on my sil s shoulder i took her and held her she was dead weight in my arms i asked what the hell was going on and why wasn t she being seen i went to the check in desk and told them that they needed to get someone to look at her because something was very wrong they sent someone out and thankfully it was an old friend of bj s i frantically but coherently told him that something was very wrong because this was not my child it took some hemming and hawing but i finally got him to agree to take her vitals again they had said she was stable in the ambulance so they weren t rushing her treatment her temp had gone down a little but her heartrate was up and she didn t even care that they were messing with her this child can t stand when strangers touch her or even look at her so i knew something was very wrong we spent the next several hours talking to staff holding my girl down so they could put the urine catcher on her lady parts that was awful forcing motr in and tylen ol down her throat she finally started fighting back wrapping her up like a burrito so they could draw blood and start an iv of fluids they decided to do a chest x ray they wheeled us down to the x ray room on the bed they asked me if there was a chance i was pregnant and my answer was yes more on that later so i could not go in with her it killed me to be away from her i was standing in the hall for less than 5 minutes but it felt like an eternity she was inside that room and i couldn t hear or see anything when the door opened bj was holding her and she was wearing a hospital gown she was the cutest little patient i had ever seen and she saw me she reached for me she was alert i don t know what happened but she seemed to be getting better i took her in my arms and just squeezed her back in the room they gave us a bottle with some water in it she started drinking it and she even smiled and acted a little goofy her poor arm was wrapped in one of those hard plastic things to keep her from getting to her iv and bending her arm she didn t like it very much but she was a trooper everything came back normal they looked in her eyes and her ears and they said that she had a bit of an ear infection then they told us she was dehydrated and they were sending her home um ok she was drooling and crying real tears and she filled her diaper and her fluid catcher that doesn t sound like dehydration to me but whatever they didn t find anything else and told us to see her ped the next day bj went back to his job site while i waited for us to be released they thought that maybe she had a seizure from her fever but they never confirmed that and i guess there s no way to accurately prove it she was never shaking or twitching just lethargic and non responsive cj came by our house that evening and recounted everything that happened that morning she said that bg drank plenty of milk that morning with her breakfast so she didn t know where that diagnosis came from either i was so touched that cj wanted to come over and check on bg she had been so scared too in 14 years of being a provider she had never had to call 911 leave it to us right the ped saw bg the next morning and was confused as to why they said she was dehydrated too he said her numbers were a little low but that it did not constitute dehydration hmph stupid er he checked her out and did a few tests on her to gauge her mental state and seemed happy with all of her responses he also said that her ear was a little pink but not much needless to say that was the scariest day of motherhood so far for me at that time more to come bg has had much higher fevers since then and has never had that reaction her ped thinks it was some sort of neurological episode but without a recurrence we will never really know what happened that day thanks to timeh op i just relived that whole experience it makes me want to shudder i thought for sure that god was going to take her from me and i was so far away from her that she would go without her mama by her side i was certain that day that the dreaded other shoe was falling i love that little girl more than my own life and i am forever grateful to have her and that she is healthy posted by teejay at 1 51 pm 4 comments labels baby girl s health emergency room visit motherhood thursday april 9 2015 the a ha moment i ve been wondering why it s been so hard for me to come here and write i used to write a lot it s so helpful to write it s my own version of therapy i would venture to say that a lot people that have a life blog are better at expressing themselves through writing than any other method of communication that statement holds true for me i ve always been this way and i don t think i will ever change when i try to verbalize my feelings i get choked up and overcome with emotion and i tend to not say the whole truth when i write it all comes out i spill my emotions onto the page in front of me and then i hit publish and i feel better i also feel a little trepidation at what people will think of me i m always worried that someone will think badly of me or misunderstand my words and get angry with me i guess another personality trait i have is to try and please everyone it recently dawned on me that i haven t been here much because it hurts to come here it hurts just as much to try and write through my feelings and thoughts as it does to verbalize them i ve been hiding my emotions for so long that i don t know how to break through the wall and let myself feel again i still have plenty of feelings but i don t let others see them very often of course i let everyone see me smile and laugh no one gets to see me sad lonely depressed anxious scared and angry or any of the other emotions that could be construed as negative because after all what could i possibly have to feel negative about right i feel like i m hanging on by a thread and a 5mg lexapro every morning and if i open the gates i will fall into a depression like no other i have ever experienced i m scared of being swept away by a flood of pent up pain anxiety fear anger and failure i need to write but i m scared to i m scared to voice the negative and give it life on the outside as long as it s stuffed way down deep it doesn t have a chance at over taking me i have control over what i write even though i don t feel like there is much more in my life that i can control so my rationale is that if i don t write it then i don t have to feel it what a vicious circle i live in i thought i could come here and write about the positive things because there are a lot of positive things that happen ed but i feel sort of fake and disingenuous if i don t write the truth so i haven t really been writing i m also concerned about my daughter s and my family s privacy i ve been so open about things here that anyone that knows me irl would be able to figure out that it s me if they can figure out that s it s me then of course they know who baby girl is i never really thought about how my writing could affect the little guy because most of my past life details won t really affect him however baby girl is a different story i am her mother and what i write has the potential to affect her in the future she is related to the family that i write about and while i don t care much about the details i ve shared she may i m hoping to regain my strength to write and face my emotions until i do you may still see some time lapsed posts rolling through your blog feed thank you for sticking with me posted by teejay at 12 52 pm 6 comments labels depression family friday march 20 2015 four songs i started singing to baby girl when she was in the womb i don t know all the words to very many kids songs so it was tough coming up with songs that i could sing without the help of a cd or the radio there were a few and i would sing them when i wasn t listening to other music i don t think i sang to her in the hospital it was a hectic jumbled time and my days and nights had no separation i don t think the light behind our bed was ever turned off so the lighting in the room was pretty much the same all the time that changed once we got home we turned lights off and people actually went to bed for the night it was quiet and peaceful it helped me get back on a regular sleep pattern even though i wasn t sleeping much my body knew when it was supposed to be sleeping while trying to get bg back to sleep i would walk the floors downstairs and sing to her i started singing songs that i knew all the words to and that i hoped would be soothing to her mainly i just needed easy songs to sing the first one that came to mind was jesus loves me perfect there s not many lyrics so that song was over pretty quickly the next song that popped into my head was jesus loves the little children i went with it i learned these songs when i was probably 4 or 5 years old so i can t believe that i even remembered the words next up was the abc song this one is great because i can make it fast or slow cheerful or more low key the next song that i wanted to sing to her was a challenge there is a lot of emotion tied up in the last song because it s the song bg was named after it s a song that my grandmother used to sing in church she would close her eyes and sing this song and tears would run down her cheeks it was an emotional song for her because her mother used to sing it and because my grandmother was very close with god that song was like a hug from him that song is amazing grace i tried for weeks to sing this song to baby girl i couldn t get through the first few words without breaking down into a puddle of tears the ppd and regular post pregnancy hormone shifts made it impossible to sing that song without the grief i was feeling from the loss of my grandmother it wasn t just my loss when she died i knew she d never get to meet any children i may have been able to have losing her was also baby girl s loss and that made me sad so for the first 8 to 10 weeks i was only ever able to get through the first 3 songs of our routine i only know the first verse so after i sang that verse i would hum it over again i have been singing those same 4 songs to baby girl every night as i put her to bed there s been a handful of times when she s been so tired that i haven t finished all 4 but i don t count that as breaking the streak j she s now almost 26 months old what and it never gets old we are to the point now where i can tell that she s pretty tired and can t focus on reading books anymore so i will ask her do you want mommy to sing now and she will nod and i will sing and she will fall asleep i m sure that there will come a time when she will not want me to sing to her at bedtime but for now i will keep singing those 4 songs while i watch her drift off to sleep in my arms ever thankful and gracious that i have her to sing to posted by teejay at 11 04 am 3 comments labels amazing grace grandmother songs wednesday november 12 2014 saturday mornings i love saturday mornings for about a year now we have had pretty much the same routine in our house and i am perfectly fine with it it never gets old at least not yet and i look forward to it all the time baby girl wakes up between 6 15 and 6 45 i groan at how early it is and then i get up to go to the bathroom while bj goes in and collects the baby he...