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Text of the page (random words):
ther things ah well this too shall pass the upside is paul is already home taking care of the kids so i can rest as needed p s i ve been trying to get pics of all the things in their hats but with the illness around here no one has been game but pacey pacey baby a modeling his thing 1 hat pacey saying cheese 13 feb what to say posted by myndi madbooklove in uncategorized leave a comment yeah so i think about writing every day because let s face it for the first time in a long time i ve got nothin but time i imagined this recovery period to be something quite different than what it has turned to be not being in full control and struggling with that i expected ditto for not being primary caretaker of my kids and really really struggling with that those two things are much more difficult than i anticipated but what can you do i did imagine an upside being able to devour a book in one sitting for instance top that being able to read maybe a dozen books or more during this 6 week period of uselessness catching up on blogs and getting back into the blogging groove but what happened instead is i m going crazy with boredom it s amazing how everything sounds so much better when you can t have it oh i wish i had an entire day to just read an entire day to catch up on the t v shows i never get to watch would be such a dream and actually probably if i did have just one day to do either of those things it would be more enjoyable but the reality is i miss my kids i miss being an active participant in my own life and i feel so separate right now that i started out thinking i have nothing to say because really what s going on in my life now that i m writing i guess maybe i do have something to say though i can t speak to how interesting it actually is flynn started preschool last week it s actually an assessment period so for the first two weeks he goes only two hours a day the first two days were great he didn t cry and the second day he actually dropped my hand and started running towards the door as soon as he realized where we were then day three he cried and cried and cried day four the same maybe he was a little burnt out more likely he wasn t feeling well but we didn t know it because his cold was just starting to kick in either way it was a rough two days now the whole house is sick juliet started it then the boys got it now daddy and i have it though he s got a head cold and i have a chest cold the kids have both they aren t necessarily out of sorts but they are certainly more reactive and wear down easily i took flynn to preschool yesterday it s called jumpstart so i ll probably to start referring to it as such and thought we d see how it went it was better than the end of the previous week because he s feeling a little better and he had several days off but as we were leaving his teacher told me that they had enough info to design his plan and if he wasn t feeling well today i could keep him out without worrying about it impacting anything so i did probably he could have made it through but he s two if they re done assessing him why not let him rest some more and get back to himself it s always so hard with little ones they can t verbalize how miserable they actually are or say that they need a break to rest at home this isn t as big a deal because there aren t a lot of expectations or demands on them and if they feel like grabbing a blanket and laying on the couch for awhile they can but once school or therapy comes into play if they are really sick you just know when it s time to take a few days off but with a cold which can last weeks and which can show up again days after they got over the last one if he were in kindergarten you couldn t just pull him out for weeks on end until the cold passed you d keep him out for a few days at the worst of it and then he d have to tough it out for the remainder but he isn t five he s two then again he s going to jumpstart because he s autistic the poor kid is going to school very early so that he has a chance at being mainstreamed successfully or even just having a shot at being successful in a special education classroom down the line so it isn t like keeping him home from daycare either ah well all you can do is go with your gut right as for me i m making my way through this weird period of my life as best i can looking forward to resuming my normal life when hubby goes back to work on the 28th that s two weeks from tomorrow while conversely worrying about whether or not i ll have the energy that i need and whether i ll be able to temper myself so that i don t end up having repeat surgery because if i undo anything any repairs will have to wait we re out of sick and i refuse to use up anymore of my husband s vacation time not that there would be enough left anyhow and i refuse to dip into what little savings we have so careful i must be and that s where i m at rambling as usual but apparently never lacking something to say a lesson i ll learn eventually i suppose 29 jan emotional posted by myndi madbooklove in uncategorized 3 comments as i mentioned before i thought this downtime after my surgery would be a good time to start blogging again that said i wasn t sure how much i would actually blog or what exactly i would write about i didn t think that it would be anything particularly intense or deep mostly updates on the kids but this recovery period has been hard not physically but emotionally because i went from being my kids primary caretaker to someone who barely sees them from the person who ran our household to someone who needed to be taken care of i can t even pick up my kids for goodness sake i feel like a burden and i feel useless and i miss my kids and being a functioning member of our family this my friends is no vacation that said i do have time to read lots and lots of time i ve already plowed through five books and am now quickly working my way through a sixth but this book is about another family s autism journey and while i m loving it i m not sure it was the wisest choice given my already precarious mental state right now sigh so i think that book is why i wrote what i did yesterday because most of the time i move through every day trying to do the best i can for my kids and trying not to focus on how hard it is sometimes it s important to me that i not spend time worrying about the future or feeling sorry for our situation or feeling bad for flynn sometimes i don t even have to try not to i just don t i do however spend a fair amount of time beating myself up for not following a traditional path for flynn for taking my time in finding a good fit not just for him but for all of us the thing is things change all the time in terms of medical advances i mean especially when it comes to autism they really just started making major headway in the past decade or so and things that were once deemed the end all be all are turning out not to be so for some families but while new therapies and programs are being developed adoption and acceptance are slow and if you jump into the support side of autism you find a lot of judgment tons and tons and tons of it for many of the mothers on the support boards there is only one way to deal with autism and if you don t follow that path you are a bad selfish neglectful mother hardly what i would call supportive it is not at all like what i found with all of you or even on the resolve boards while i was going through my infertility battle in the midst of all this information there is so much the opinions of all the specialists developmental pediatrician developmental psychologists early intervention specialists neurologist regional center administrator soon the school district and the other autism mothers it s hard to wipe away all of the crap and get down to what is right so you sort of forge forward and hope that things will be come more clear as you move along so we followed the recommended path even though it didn t feel right to me and we ended up really miserable now we are following an alternative but still recommended path and i m nervous because it s not what we would be doing if we had all neurotypical children but just like i had to throw out a lot of preconceived notions about child rearing when i had triplets i have to accept that what i expected has been turned on it s head and we have to react accordingly but i do feel better about it than the first choice so here we go more about that later anyway i ve once again gone on and on and on you d think i d been gone for awhile or something at some point i will move on from this topic i think but for now i think i have to work through it here so please bear with me 28 jan new address posted by myndi madbooklove in uncategorized leave a comment for those who haven t noticed i ve moved yup i decided to stop paying for self hosting because frankly i wasn t enjoying the benefits anymore so while i have retained the domain www tenaciouslyttc com and it should in theory forward to my new address to be better safe than sorry my direct address is www tenaciouslyttc wordpress com if you have linked to my old home or have me in your reader i would fully appreciate it if you would update it assuming of course that you want to keep reading thanks 28 jan the difference posted by myndi madbooklove in uncategorized leave a comment lots of parents envision their children s futures they imagine them going off to college finding a fabulous job meeting the right person getting married having kids and basically having wonderfully successful lives standard societal definition mind you not necessarily mine some parents go so far as to envision their children going to a certain college or perhaps getting into some fancy schmancy preschool taking ballet at 2 and mastering multiple foreign languages you know those types right and i ve always prided myself on not being that type on being the kind of parent who lets her kids paint with broad strokes try things on for size and figure out who they are without feeling too much pressure do i think they need to go to college yes does it have to be harvard absolutely not do i care if they wait tables for a living not if it s what they love and i still expect them to be the best educated waitress in town as for relationships marriage kids their bliss is their bliss if it s healthy and they re happy so am i period i think when most of us enter parenthood we assume certain things that our child will be healthy they ll crawl walk run talk learn their abc s make friends go to school go to dances fall in love have their heart broken find a passion for something face a truckload of choices and forge an independent life for themselves in the wilds of the adult world we take these things for granted these things happen to everyone right while i was pregnant with the triplets i imagined losing them i imagined delivering too early and all the complications that could arise from that when they came into the world healthy i worried about rsv because they were so little when that passed there really wasn t much else to worry about i mean really who sits around with three healthy children and worries about childhood diabetes leukemia or cancer or autism unless you have a family history probably not most when my suspicions about flynn having autism were confirmed i hated feeling like all of a sudden nothing was a given none of what i listed above was guaranteed for my son it still isn t and every time i thought that actually i still think it i would kick myself and say the parents of neurotypical nt children don t have certain outcomes either they just think they do so we re still the same but you know what we aren t having a child with special needs completely changes your perspective about the future the child s future the future of your other children your own future if you re lucky you are able to stay hopeful and focused and i have but you can t just stick your head in the sand and assume things anymore i hope my child will talk some day or at least find some way to effectively communicate but i can t assume he will i can arm him with the best therapy on the planet but no one can guarantee me he ll talk some day he ll go to kindergarten for sure but will he ever be mainstreamed i hope that my son is intellectually able and i feel strongly that he is but i can t assume that he is and i won t know for at least three more years i hope that he will be able to live independently at some point but the statistics even for high functioning autistic adults not so good so i hope and hope and hope but i can t assume and i have to prepare for things that most other parents don t things most parents don t even think about please don t misunderstand i m not jealous i m not angry this isn t a vent or a pity party and truthfully i don t feel like i m adequately conveying what i want so desperately to convey so i totally get it if it s misunderstood it s just people don t like to talk about autism they don t know how to react when you tell them your child is autistic even if they know you and people tend to think that telling you he seems perfectly fine to me somehow makes you feel better really i think it makes them feel better but in reality it s kind of dismissive no autism isn t fatal but it isn t a walk in the park either i think there is value in respecting each other s struggles don t you pretending we re all equals carrying equal loads living lives filled with equal opportunity that s all kind of head in the sand wizard of oz la la land bs we are all different some of us more different than others and it s what makes the world interesting and beautiful my son is very different and there is so much about him that is fabulously awesome when he smiles his entire being lights up ss says all the time that he smiles with his whole body he s a great snuggler has the most fantastic laugh and is brilliant if not a little obsessed with puzzles when he is interested in something his focus and patient persistence are amazing i love flynn as he is and i wouldn t change a single thing about him but as i said he s still different and we re different i have to worry about things that most other parents don t have to and that s fine i mean it s hard but it s fine i don t want or need pity acknowledgement and acceptance maybe a little understanding definitely don t like his diagnosis being swept under the rug as if it s no big deal still i feel so inadequate in explaining this the reality is i felt the same way about infertility i wanted real support not cheerleaders i didn t want others pitying me but i wanted them to understand what i was going through that it was hard to respect my struggle and to realize that trying to relate their own ttc experience completely devoid of infertility issues didn t a make my problem go away or b make me feel better maybe that makes my point a little more clear i guess really it s about respect and understanding and honesty and support and acknowledging t...