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on the cutting edge of fashion when i was growing up i never felt i could wear jeans even though i realize now that i wasn t fat at least not for most of my non jeans wearing life i always felt like i was too big to wear jeans the first time i can remember getting a pair of jeans for myself was in the fourth grade my pediatrician without considering that i was starting puberty and beginning to reach my full adult height i was a tall kid who hit 5 4 quickly and then stopped and became a shortish adult told my parents that i needed to lose weight and so i went on some sort of diet that summer by the time school started i must have lost enough weight because my nanny took me out shopping she told me i could pick out a new outfit as a reward i bought a pair of blue yellow and red striped jeans and a black top i remember wearing them the first day of school so that i could be sure to impress everyone my jeans wearing life didn t last long i d be lying if i said i had any other clothes memories from fourth or fifth grade but i do remember going back to school shopping the summer before sixth grade this time i snubbed jeans in favor of palazzo pants i thought they were more sophisticated and adult and that was exactly what i wanted to be in the sixth grade when those pants didn t turn me into a sophisticated adult i decided i would spend my christmas money on some new jeans over the break we went to the mall and i tried on the biggest size in the juniors section a 13 and they didn t fit i came home and wrote in my diary that i was a fat pig and a a failure and i vowed to go on a diet i don t think i seriously attempted to wear jeans again until college when my obssesive dieting eating disorder started to make me thinner and i ve been wearing them ever since yesterday s post on shapeley prose about a woman who took a special exercise class just to fit into her skinny jeans and the ensuing discussion really made me think though even though now i happily buy lane bryant s right fit jeans do i wear them as much as i do just to prove i can i like jeans don t get me wrong they are comfortable and go with pretty much anything but where they used to be the clothing i lusted after now they have just become an easy outfit choice and i think this is one more way of telling myself that i am not worth the time money thought etc it would take to put together something that would be both comfortable and pretty i spent a good chunk of yesterday online window shopping for clothes and creating wish lists of things i would normally be drawn to but would never attempt to buy because i feel like i have permission to wear them while i don t see myself giving up jeans completely because i do still like them i think it is time to expand my range of outfits beyond what i feel i am allowed to wear the tyranny of the gym august 11 2009 posted by jae in uncategorized tags exercise fat add a comment as part of my quest to take better care of myself i joined a gym that is so stereotypical it isn t even funny most of the time when we hear about someone joining a gym to take better care of themselves at least a part of that care usually a big part if not the whole thing revolves around losing weight for me though this was a choice i made to help me break out of a really destructive pattern this winter while applying to graduate school i let exercise slide if you ve never applied to graduate school let me tell you it s very stressful i waited a year to apply to this program and my whole life revolved around getting in i had no solid plan for what i would do if i was rejected and once the applications were sent in all i could think about was getting rejected suddenly it seemed a lot easier and a lot more appealing to lay down on the couch and watch tv so i did the problem is that i kept on doing that even when it wasn t appealing anymore i was bored tired no matter how much i slept and i was unmotivated to do most anything and i wanted to change that so i decided i would try to put movement back into my life i bought some new exercise dvds tried walking more and found myself still very bored after trying out the gym at a resort i visited last month and loving how i felt after going there i sought out one to join one at home thankfully my gym is not one that is overtly pushing weight loss they have a scale but only one shoved off to the side of the room and it is just an old dial type scale none of the classes are called anything like annihilate your fat ass bootcamp they don t sell any diet pills or supplements they didn t even try to sell me any personal training it seems that it is just a place where people come to exercise for whatever reason and that is how it should be for years i wondered if i were the kind of person who might enjoy working out in a gym but i was too afraid to join during my dieting eating disorder days i told myself that once i was thin i would be allowed to join a gym because only then would it be acceptable for me to be seen exercising in public the funny thing is i exercised in public all the time one of my top forms of exercise was walking and unless you are on a treadmill or doing one of those walking dvds chances are good that you will be walking outside in full view of people but while i was walking i would never do any of those standard walking moves like pumping my arms or even carrying handweights because oh my god what if someone saw me what if they saw me and knew i was exercising 11111 the horror the agony the shame i may chuckle about it now but at the time i was dead serious the one time i did try to use a gym i was called out for being fat so it stood to reason that the only way to avoid the shame i felt then was to avoid letting anyone know i had the gall to think i could exercise even now i see myself visiting those old thought patterns from time to time just yesterday as i walked on the treadmill i found myself glancing out of the corner of my eye at all the people next to me running on their treadmills and i wondered if i too should break into a sprint nevermind that i don t like to run or that i shouldn t run even if i did like it as i have knee issues but being the only walker in the room made me wonder if maybe i shouldn t just stick to the exercise bike and leave the treadmills to the real exercisers of course i mentally smacked myself afterwards i am a real exerciser anyone exercising at any given moment is an exerciser in spite of the constant stream of encouragement we get to always be pushing ourselves harder faster longer what have you the truth is that movement is not a gift reserved only for those who looks like they belong on the cover of shape magazine or can effortlessly run six miles i am not foolish enough to believe i will be able bodied forever someday barring any accidents or illness in the meanwhile as my body ages the amount and kind of exercise i am capable of will most likely change that is the truth for every able bodied person so waiting around to be sure i m not offending anybody else by insisting on walking on the treadmill while they run making sure that no one sees me swimming lest they think i think i m the next michael phelps that wastes my time and my life and i don t want to do that anymore i think exerciser is also the weirdest word i ve used today it s been awhile august 11 2009 posted by jae in me myself and i add a comment i m pretty sure that no one really reads this at the moment but i decided that i wanted needed to start blogging again some quick updates i am starting grad school at the end of this month i m going to be studying counseling i am very excited i really fell off the intuitive eating bandwagon during the application process and have just been treating myself poorly i have started to get back on track now but it is slow going i ve written maybe 1 2 to 2 3 s of a novel that is also a slow going but the more time i spend with it the better i feel about some day getting it into shape my lovely dog the one i spoke about in earlier blogs has been diagnosed with epilepsy but she is doing well and i am so thankful to have her in my life she is currently curled up sleeping under my desk chair much to my delight and that s all for now i ve been reading blogs and commenting so i m not totally out of the fa loop but i m hoping to be a bit more involved now i look back on these enteries and i see that few though they are that i was being a lot better to myself when i took the time to blog perhaps not blogging was the first sign that i was about to quit taking care of myself as well as i should have but that is about to change my life a short post april 16 2008 posted by jae in me myself and i the cast tags update 2 comments this last month has been in a word insane march began with my boss on vacation which dumped a lot on my plate at work after she returned there were some staffing shake ups that made us all wonder what was going on there then just when things seem to be settling down my father has a heart attack so that s where i have been and now that things are starting to wind down perhaps there will be some time to do some posting today s special virtue with a heaping spoonful of self loathing march 29 2008 posted by jae in body image fat jobz tags eating disorders fat self esteem work 2 comments so our healthy lunch program has begun and it is awkward i decided that since i couldn t stop the program i would just personally avoid it but that s pretty much impossible to do because there are always questions from coworkers about who tried the food and who didn t who liked it and who didn t and the slightly judgmental why that comes along with taking no part in it truthfully i m not finding it that hard to deal with but a year or two ago i would have found it excruciating i have never been good with eating in public in fact there was a time when i could barely manage it i feared as i suspect many eating disordered people do that i was being judged for what i ate that people were looking at my plate and tallying calories to decide if i was virtuous or a total pig and in some way this is true i don t know a single soul who hasn t had someone sometimes a friend sometimes a relative other times a total stranger comment on what they were eating for me these comments definitely left their mark when i was in high school i went on a field trip with my english class a couple of my traveling companions were guys i had known for a couple of years as we sat in the grass in the park enjoying our lunch one boy who i was starting to fall for remarked that my turkey sandwich was the first thing he had ever seen me eat i sadly how proud i felt in that moment even though they in no way expressed admiration for my food avoiding skills they noticed how little i seemed to need food i was a worthy girl type human being i can also remember comment that came from my grandfather the sweetest man to ever live he remarked that i seemed to be eating more at dinner one night and i stopped fork in midair and didn t eat another bite in retrospect i can only imagine how bad i made him feel my grandfather believed in food happiness for him was taking people out to dinner here he was happy to see me eating and there i was paralyzed by the voice in my head screaming pig even though i m a hundred miles away from those moments i doubt i ll ever forget them or the feelings they inspired so having the girl who sits across the room want to know why i didn t eat a pasty plate of pasta with cardboardy meatballs can be extra unpleasant for me i still feel a little like i m being accused of something but the more i hear the questions the more i realize that they aren t really questioning me they are questioning themselves just the other day we were sitting down to lunch when one of my coworkers passed by on her way to the gym lamenting the fact that she had to go to the gym instead of eating lunch it wasn t that she wanted us all to drop what we were doing and join her on the treadmill but that she wanted to drop what she was doing and have some diet chicken salad but she wasn t allowed she had no choice in her mind but to spend her thirty minute lunch running at the gym now if she had been psyched about working out during lunch there wouldn t even be a need for discussion she would have been doing what she wanted to however the longing look she gave us as she ran out the door told anyone watching exactly how much she wanted to go to the gym and it s this same kind if thinking that fuels questions and comments about food choices my coworker doesn t really want to know why i think i m too good for a diet lunch she wants to know why she isn t good enough for a real one i only wish i knew how to tell her that she is but somehow i doubt she would believe me confession time march 24 2008 posted by jae in the crazy tags cutting self injury self harm 6 comments for almost ten years i have been living with a secret though there are people who know it they never bring it up never want to talk about it even when they heard it for the first time they had very little to say it is the kind of thing that needs to be talked about begs for it in fact but at the same time it seems to stop all conversation when i told my former best friend she was stunned and said she needed time to think the next day she asked me never to bring it up again unless i really needed to another friend who shared my secret never wanted to talk about it either eventually i stopped trying to talk about it with anyone but this month is tell someone month and so i decided that now might be a good time to break my silence i am a cutter note i don t intend for this entry to be especially triggering but if you feel you are very vulnerable you might want to stop reading here wow that was actually harder than i thought it would be truth be told i never found it easy to call myself a cutter or a self injurer or a self harmer or any of that somehow i never thought my problem was real enough to deserve naming though i have had occasional relapses my last was nearly seven months ago i have been in recovery for the past three or so years truth be told i wasn t sure i would ever get to a place where that was possible i had an accident the summer before my fourteenth birthday that left me with a bum knee and a constant sense of terror the randomness of what happened terrified me it might have been the first time i really realized that terrible things could happen that i couldn t control suddenly everything about the world seemed frightening i had always been shy but i became crippled by fear of interacting with people i was also still dealing with a very negative friendship though i had not yet realized how much it had affected me i also became terrified of injury and disease for the first time in my life i was sure every headache was an aneurysm and every occasional flutter of my heart a sign of congestive heart failure i also hated my body for awhile i ate compu...