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self harm the new thirteen the new thirteen i m just trying not to feel claustrophobic inside myself home the new what thirteen who comments policy jump to navigation confession time march 24 2008 posted by jae in the crazy tags cutting self injury self harm 6 comments for almost ten years i have been living with a secret though there are people who know it they never bring it up never want to talk about it even when they heard it for the first time they had very little to say it is the kind of thing that needs to be talked about begs for it in fact but at the same time it seems to stop all conversation when i told my former best friend she was stunned and said she needed time to think the next day she asked me never to bring it up again unless i really needed to another friend who shared my secret never wanted to talk about it either eventually i stopped trying to talk about it with anyone but this month is tell someone month and so i decided that now might be a good time to break my silence i am a cutter note i don t intend for this entry to be especially triggering but if you feel you are very vulnerable you might want to stop reading here wow that was actually harder than i thought it would be truth be told i never found it easy to call myself a cutter or a self injurer or a self harmer or any of that somehow i never thought my problem was real enough to deserve naming though i have had occasional relapses my last was nearly seven months ago i have been in recovery for the past three or so years truth be told i wasn t sure i would ever get to a place where that was possible i had an accident the summer before my fourteenth birthday that left me with a bum knee and a constant sense of terror the randomness of what happened terrified me it might have been the first time i really realized that terrible things could happen that i couldn t control suddenly everything about the world seemed frightening i had always been shy but i became crippled by fear of interacting with people i was also still dealing with a very negative friendship though i had not yet realized how much it had affected me i also became terrified of injury and disease for the first time in my life i was sure every headache was an aneurysm and every occasional flutter of my heart a sign of congestive heart failure i also hated my body for awhile i ate compulsively but eventually the pendulum swung the other way and i lived on one tiny meal a day it was right around memorial day that i injured myself for the first time i don t remember much about it the only thing that sticks in my mind was that i had just had a fight with my parents by the next year though i was harming myself several times a week sometimes it was almost daily to this day i m not 100 sure what my reasons were for doing it my best guess is simply that i was loaded with a lot of destructive feelings and i had no constructive way to release them i didn t feel close enough to most people to confide in them i also was a stereotypical good girl type i didn t engage in any other after school special behavior i didn t smoke or drink i didn t sneak out to go to parties i didn t cut school i was too insecure to consider sleeping around i was the girl who got good grades and was home every single night of the week occasionally i went out with friends but that was it and when you re sixteen and everything about the world frightens you so that you don t even feel safe in your own mind when you hate yourself and expect everyone else to hate you too and you re carrying a little more baggage than you can handle something has to break for me harming myself was sort of a way to reign in the madness i wish i could tell you how i got over it but i m not sure exactly how it happened things changed i changed just a few years ago i was convinced that i was mentally ill and maybe i was the smart thing for me to do would have probably been to see a therapist but i was afraid though i was more than willing to admit something was wrong with me indeed i had a list of different diagnoses in my head whose criteria i felt i fit in one way or another going to therapy was too proactive for me the only way i could recover was to take it so slowly that i barely noticed it happening often a person who is totally unfamiliar with the concept of self harm will look at it as a problem in and of itself and it is for a number of reasons but in most every case it is just a symptom of a larger problem i was lucky i got away from the dark cloud that followed me everywhere i am no longer crippled by fears and insecurities and i learned other ways to cope with stress and emotional pain in the past three years any time i have given in to the urge to self injure it has felt empty and mostly pointless kind of like calling up an old friend who you don t really like anymore i thought that once self harm was no longer a part of my everyday life anymore there would be no need to tell this story to anyone my scars are hidden from public view and in fact they have mostly faded there is no reason the truth can not go with them except that my truth may matter to someone else out there self harm typically goes on in silence and even when people try to break that silence they might find as i did that it isn t as easy as merely telling someone the important thing though is to keep talking keep trying to get the truth out because creating a space where people can truly be honest about what s going on in their heads is the only hope we have of preventing people from harming themselves in the first place for anyone out there who would like more information some excellent resources can be found at secret shame selfinjury org and lifesigns i m going to harm myself february 20 2008 posted by jae in uncategorized tags concern getting help self harm suicide 1 comment so far someone found my blog today using this as the search term and i just wanted to make a little post and say whoever you are if you are still reading this please don t i won t insult you with platitudes about life but i will say that it is worth living please reach out to someone whether that person is a trusted friend or family member or a helpline such as 1 800 suicide they are out there and they want to help it s cliche to say this but it is so true suicide is a permenant solution to a temporary problem i wish you all the health and happiness in the world you will be in my thoughts and as an aside anyone who finds this post at some later date by googling it the same things apply to you too search pages comments policy the new what thirteen who note from the fatosphere an error has occurred the feed is probably down try again later ed blogs ed bites every woman has an eating disorder feed me frozen oranges fat acceptance big fat deal first do no harm good with cheese haes in medical school kate harding s shapely prose seeworthy speak first apologize later the f word the rotund unapologetically fat zmama s balancing act other things i read the library claudia s room feministing racialicious shakesville sparkle pants the dairi burger categories categories select category aimless conversation body image dating relationships dreams fat hearts butterflies cupcakes intersectionality jerks jobz me myself and i stupid news the cast the crazy uncategorized yummy archives august 2009 april 2008 march 2008 february 2008 january 2008 october 2007 september 2007 feeds full comments create a free website or blog at wordpress com top subscribe subscribed the new thirteen sign me up already have a wordpress com account log in now privacy the new thirteen subscribe subscribed sign up log in report this content view site in reader manage subscriptions collapse this bar design a site like this with wordpress com get started