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Text of the page (random words):
had to give up yoga because i simply couldn t balance all of my outside activities with work some of the friends i have met are gone and some have moved closer into my inner circle i have gone back to coaching and have accepted my first head coaching position in 7 years i am now responsible for coaching 40 girls in lacrosse which means five days a week i drive an hour from work to practice and then a hour again home i am burning the candle at both ends and while there is a lot of joy in my life there is still the underlying current of sadness some days it is still hard to shake the loneliness to keep my head above water financially and find breathing room and personally i have had to make my bed and lie in it i recognize what a mistake it was not only to befriend lacrosse coach beyond our professional working relationship but to sleep with him again after how badly he treated me initially i was disposable and my feelings were never considered and the worst part is i knew it and allowed it to happen i brought him lunches supported him listened to him when he needed attention and every step of the journey i was considerate and friendly i took the high road no matter how much he lied or took me for granted and now he is back with the girl he cheated on with and supposedly has told her the truth about the cheating she knows about me but whether she knows about all of the women he cheated on her with i won t ever know but needless to say i am definitely not only the uninvited third party but the bad guy in this and it has affected me professionally since she is employed at the school i was hired at in the fall to coach at thus slamming the door of any possibility of me teaching there and the worst part is he had been with her for weeks and they were moving forward even though he hid the truth from me kept me on the hook and pretended that she was someone else i only learned the truth when i confronted him and it sucked it has been a year and i still cry over it the lying and how i have been treated he just shrugs his shoulders and says am i not allowed to move on and be happy tonight they are at the school gala their tickets paid for by a sponsor and cinderella sits at home and is wise enough to know villians only get what they deserve in fairy tales very rarely do things work out the way we want that maybe nice guys gals finish last even if it is very unfair even if i am the one who struggles to trust people who is still terrified of meeting someone who is yet another liar someone who also treats me like i am disposable i guess the good thing is that my friends my family and even my students have faith in me my friend carolyn is still convinced the dream she had years ago of giving the toast at my wedding means he is still out there or my students who claim that i am so nice that there must be some guy out there who sees that they have even gone so far as to start some dating profiles on my behalf because they think kevin love is too soft for me my crossfit and runner friends who encourage me support me and let me cry after completing 17 3 without judging whether or not the tears were from the workout or the sadness i have been dragging around i guess what i am trying to say is that when things get tough the best way to get through it is to find the little things grasp unto the pieces of happiness and find gratitude in those things until you reach your destination i am a different person than i was when i started this blog and i know as my personal storms rage i am still changing i am getting stronger and learning to let things go a little faster although still not as quickly or as efficiently i put the scale in the closet and proudly post before after photos to instagram i dance with friends after a cold race drink beers with people who give me sweaty hugs after crying over a missed 95 lb snatch and play peek a boo with my friend s little girl i trying to find the me time trying to smile laugh and most importantly believe by kris in active lifesytle blogging cleveland crossfit friends gratitude happiness life races running march 11 2017 977 words 1 comment remember why i was talking to a friend of mine from crossfit yesterday and i was airing my frustrations about the downward turn the end of the year has taken for me perhaps it is compounded by the holiday blues but after coming out strong in 2016 i feel like my progress has slowed to a halt i haven t taken weight off in a couple of months i am not progressing as well in my crossfit workouts my relationships with family and a few friends have stalled out and no matter how much i try i cannot seem to gain any speed beyond a 11 30 mile in my races that is when she suggested that i take some time to focus and reflect on the road i have traveled and where i still need to go in the new year she told me about her mental exercise with one of our crossfit coaches and encouraged me to try it as well so here i am with the 2016 coming to an end and writing in my notebook the exercise goes like this you draw a perfect circle on a piece of paper and create spokes on the circle turning it into a wheel the amount of spokes represents the core values which are most important to you she chose 6 and i was able to narrow mine down to 8 physical health social health financial comfort mindfulness forgiveness happiness love and strength i then made 10 hash marks in each spoke to represent the scale to which i feel i have found fulfillment in my life according to these values some were high strength and physical health i have come so far physically than i was a year ago crossfit competitions ragnar trail races etc and the strength i have shown on a physical and mental level proves i can survive struggles others fell somewhere in the middle i was happy with some of those things but also knowing i could do better and go farther in the next year social health mindfulness happiness and forgiveness my social calendar is busier than ever but there are still periods of time where i struggle with being alone and finding contentment i am always mindful of the people and things around me going above and beyond at times for the happiness of others yet i still struggle to be mindful of my own needs i become deaf to my own internal clock which is buzzing and warning me that i need to take a step back i am happier than i was this time last year but still find myself struggling through moments and days of depression where i still feel like a failure and yes i have forgiven but i still find it difficult to let things and people go to stop trying to control and change the people or things which are beyond my influence or grasp and then there are other things that i am failing miserably at financial comfort and love i live from paycheck to paycheck every month and budgeting is my life s achilles heel i never seem to get ahead so much of it is due to reckless spending and a failure to look ahead financially and love it isn t just romantic love i have failed at but more importantly the unconditional love that i give myself i still lack confidence while dealing with feelings of unworthiness as i constantly seek reassurance from others that i am worthy loved and needed so being a doer i know that goals i want to achieve are never met if you don t begin to focus on what needs to get done therefore i started writing down what i thought were my strengths and weaknesses of character good or bad these are things that lift me up and hold me back as well and while my weaknesses are continual roadblocks in my path they are things that i do have power over because they are characteristics to which i can mold and adapt into strengths this year and by interlacing them with my current strengths i can continue to build towards my ultimate goal of seeking a lifetime of laughter and satisfaction in the end i sat down and hashed out 5 goals which i can focus on for the new year start saving 50 a month by cutting out excessive expenses like happy hours wasteful spending and luxuries lose that last 30 pounds by refocusing on healthy eating habits and a balanced lifestyle of running yoga and crossfit stop focusing on the numbers game at the gym and instead focus on improving form and technique before lifting heavier weights take risks and ask for help whether it s improving my gymnastic movements at the gym or allowing myself to be vulnerable to a supportive group of friends who are willing to listen and provide helpful feedback focus on me more by being more of a no woman instead of the perpetual yes woman that means saying no to toxic relationships romantic or otherwise tasks which drain me of energy or that one person at work who makes me feel invisible and ugly as i move into the new year while the road ahead doesn t necessarily get smoother i am hoping it means i learn to better equip myself with the resources i need to help me conquer rougher terrain as well as gentle trails in 2017 by kris in active lifesytle blogging crossfit fitness friends happiness health hope life weight december 27 2016 december 27 2016 895 words 3 comments enough enough that is what i kept trying to tell myself tonight standing in a hot shower with even hotter tears running down my face you have worked hard enough you have been brave enough you have handled enough you are enough enough it is just so hard and of late it has been more than enough it has been too much too much pressure too much stress and too much heart ache some of it has come from others most of it has come from me and yes it is that time of year where i struggle to remind myself that i have done enough and come far enough to be proud of my journey and yet as always i never feel like i am good enough that i have done enough i miss having some to talk to having someone who listens without judgement and who understands that we all have those days where it has become more than we can bear that we need to break to cry to scream and be allowed to feel pain without being told that we aren t doing enough trying enough or wanting something enough i want some things too much love acceptance and happiness however i feel so much like a fuck up a failure a fool that if you could acquire enough accomplish enough you d never want to own or do another thing that if you could eat or sleep enough you d never need more that if enough people loved you you d stop needing love chuck palahniuk but my life is my own and how can i ever really grasp happiness if i don t remind myself that i am enough i cannot bear disappointment if i don t learn how to pick myself up i have worked so hard these past 10 months and i am frustrated right now my progress at the gym has slowed the pounds have crept back up even though i remain active i feel like i have hit a wall and i am not sure how to get out of the plateau i have worked so hard but a lot of times i feel like no one sees it i still feel like the invisible fat girl waiting for the popular boy to open his eyes and recognize i have been standing there all along just wanting to be noticed and loved i want to meet someone but at the same time i am tired of the effort i am tired of having to work so hard and feel so defeated disgusted and deflated i am tired of the pressure from friends who think all i need to do is flirt stick my chest out or subject myself to disappointing dates on my road to the one i am tired of the well meaning yet ignorant comments from friends who want to be helpful but forget that sometimes we just want to hear that we have done enough that we are enough and that we are allowed to have this moment i am tired of being told i am too much of this or too little of that that i am trying too hard or not trying hard enough have i eaten this or not eaten that have i thought of this diet or read this book i just want someone to see the me behind the humor the sarcasm and the drive to see the fragility that i carry in my heart at times to see that i am working as hard as i can every day to be a better person that some days like today we have all had enough i am tired tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow will be better because i will dry my ears and lift my head up but today i have had enough by kris in dating friends happiness life love december 15 2016 december 15 2016 640 words 1 comment the heart by kris in happiness hope joy life love quotes december 2 2016 0 words 3 comments gratitude when a new day begins dare to smile gratefully when there is darkness dare to be the first to shine a light when there is injustice dare to be the first to condemn it when something seems difficult dare to do it anyway when life seems to beat you down dare to fight back when there seems to be no hope dare to find some when you re feeling tired dare to keep going when times are tough dare to be tougher when love hurts you dare to love again when someone is hurting dare to help them heal when another is lost dare to help them find the way when a friend falls dare to be the first to extend a hand when you cross paths with another dare to make them smile when you feel great dare to help someone else feel great too when the day has ended dare to feel as you ve done your best dare to be the best you can steve maraboli gratitude means not only being thankful for the blessings you have but giving thanks for the people and moments in your life having gratitude means embracing with joy the good times but also having the ability to reflect and learn from those bad times in other words gratitude allows us to appreciate joy by learning to shoulder the frustrations struggles and challenges which are part of life we will all have moments of happiness which are interlaced with moments of pain and sadness as december approaches and the holidays creep upon us i find myself struggling with depression once again the loneliness and solitude of yet another season of joy which often leaves me feeling frustrated alone and unsettled while i am not dealing with the problems of last year i am certainly feeling the holiday blues i have become more isolated and alienated from a family which doesn t quite get me and who have stopped taking the time check in on me i get it we don t have choices when it comes to our family and yes if they need me i will be there but i have gotten tired of being the one to make the effort or being the one who has to wave my hands frantically in front of their faces to say hey over here i am lonely i miss you i wish you take an interest in my life instead i have started to detach to surround myself with friends who have become like family to confide in the people around me who want me to smile be happy and to learn to say no a little more i am in a better place because of the people who have stayed and yes the ones who have left as well i am happier and healthier despite the holiday blues because i have people who get concerned when i don t show up i have people who invite me to brunches parties and who want to spend time with me it feels good and yes less lonely...