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Text of the page (random words):
necessary and he s an expert on all things blood jack thought i should wait out the two weeks after fretting for sometime someone advised me the obvious ask you obgyn the hematolist may be a blood doc but he works with cancer this is a recurrent pregnancy loss issue you should trust the people who work with the preggo people so i e mailed my ob gyn last night and she said she wanted me on it on the advice of the maternal fetal specialist i m freaking out now i am hoping by listing my fears they ll seem less scary 1 lovenox costs 1 000 month my insurance covered it this go aroud but i m switching insurance in october because my job ends what if the new insurance gives me problems 2 i got a positive pregnancy test tuesday at 13dpo now its friday 16dpo i didn t start too late did i i m so upset that i waited i should ve gone with my instinct and just started stabbing myself with the needles as soon as they were ordered the hematologist just confused me ugh it s always better safe than sorry nope still scared please don t let it be too late please don t let it be too late anyone have any advice on how to take lovenox posted in infertility insurance lupus anticoagulent miscarriage tagged infertility insurance lovenox lupus anticoagulant miscarriage obgyn 20 comments oh cavity why now august 28 2009 when i get pregnant my gums and teeth start acting funny but this time the pain was slightly more acute and i knew i had a cavity i went to the dentist and when i signed in i said just so you know i m pregnant the receptionist looked at me and smiled i remember you you thought you were pregnant last time you came i stared at her with my jaw hanging down to my knees i wrote about this may 2008 over a year ago how i thought i was pregnant and had to do the walk of shame and say nope just a crazy if dreaming it s been over a year and she remembers i felt like one of those mentally unhinged women who pretend they re pregnantl no really i said shaking my head i really am this time the dentist thinks i have a cavity but he can t do any dental work until i m in my second trimester come back when you re four months pregnant he said it is a really fucking sad fact of life that i stared at him confused at how he could just say that shouldn t he say instead if you re still pregnant and don t have a miscarriage then come back in month four i mean really that s where my mind went instead of understanding the normal assumption that women who see positive pregnancy tests have babies at the end of it i find it amazing how loss factors into even random ordinary interactions such as a dentist appointment i hope and pray the cavity stays a wee little cavity and doesn t morph into root canal i don t know how one survives that for months on end look at me months on end hope you are a sticky little sucker fingers and toes crossed posted in infertility miscarriage pregnancy tagged infertility miscarriage pregnancy 6 comments it lies under the surface august 26 2009 4am today jack shook me awake you were yelling why over and over again he said with a bewildered expression i have no recollection but jack told me i ve been having outbursts like this the past few weeks i thought i ve been dealing with my second loss better i don t cry daily i don t sit and fixate on what happened i felt relieved that somehow i d manage to hurt less this go around today as i made an appointment i turned a page in my agenda and bug s u s picture drifted out and landed in my lap it s been a month since i lost bug her presence in my womb while my numbers tanked shocked my doctors but there it was a fact i will never forget my bug was a fighter she wanted so badly to survive for the time she lived she beat the odds i keep telling myself not to mourn this loss missing bug makes me feel i m missing a mirage but apparently subconsciously i am missing bug like crazy i ve wondered for some time why i showed my mom the u s pics when she visited me after my loss she saw it and burst into tears and kissed the picture holding it close to her chest i felt a weird sense of relief now i think i know why i think its because i wanted someone else to care if someone else cared bug was real bug mattered today at my hematology appointment the doctor said how far along were you when you lost your two children i m sorry i meant your babies i felt like someone jolted me it took all i had to not to bite my lip from crying not of sadness necessarily but relief he got it he didn t try to negate my pain with neutral words such as losses or incidents he called them my babies no one irl ever called them that before long story short the hematologist ordered thirty different labs on me he said the current results don t indicate there is a medical need for lovenox so wanted further testing the results come back in two weeks as i was leaving the med tech who drew my blood approached me listen he said i read your chart what s happened to you is horrible i really hope that whatever is wrong we here will find out and fix it for you i ve been so busy trying to move forward i haven t really looked back yes i m jolted by grief from time to time but i try not to look at it too deeply i run or put on music or turn on the tv i ve learned something today you can run from the past but it catches up to you releasing from you like the steam from a volcano what you hold in will either come out or destroy you from the inside i m grateful for being the p word again and despite the past i remain hopeful and grateful for the opportunity to try again still i will never forget who i lost and today on this one month anniversary i m allowing myself a moment to grieve my little fighter posted in grief infertility miscarriage uncategorized tagged grief infertility lovenox lupus anticoagulant miscarriage 12 comments planning august 26 2009 thank you for your well wishes on my previous post i d be lost without you my coping mechanisms surprise me i expected to panic i feel a bit pensive but very calm i hope this feeling remains i see the hematologist tomorrow to talk about lovenox my obgyn already called in the script i m scared of side effects but we ll see what the hematologist says jack thinks i should get my hcg and progesterone drawn to determine the viability of this pregnancy a part of me considers this but a larger part shakes its head no waiting for those results the lack of sleep staring at the phone anxious shallow breathing it was brutal i don t want to go through it again true the results could comfort me but i dread that wait i don t know if i can do that wait the obgyn s office asked to schedule a confirmation visit i stalled confirmation visit pee on a stick get brochures on pregnancy have a pelvic exam where you re told its too soon to see a heartbeat on the u s so come back in two weeks no thanks i m already getting the meds i m considering scheduling a visit in three weeks when we d find a heart beat my goal is to stay as peaceful as possible any tips on how you find peace much appreciated i e mailed the re to cancel next week s appointment my two word response ok canceled i felt taken aback no good luck no that s good news they deal with if day in day out so i thought they d give a friendlier response i never felt more like a canceled business transaction before the evening is drawing to a close and i glance at my pregnancy test i m struck by the first thought that comes to mind as i look at the two bars will this time be it have i paid enough am i absolved i m surprised by these thoughts but this year has felt like a sort of purgatory where i sit and wonder what i did i hope the lovenox works i hope an earlier egg is a fresher egg i hope i hope i hope i hope my penance is complete posted in infertility miscarriage obgyn tagged hubby infertility lovenox miscarriage obgyn pregnancy pregnancy tests 18 comments 13dpo and august 25 2009 it s positive faint but definitely there i m happy but scared this is my third pregnancy in 2009 i hesitated posting especially during iclw i hope no one finds this and feels the gut wrenching mixed emotions that the news of someone s pregnancy can give please know that though this positive is good i m still scared please know i ve struggled for nearly two years to hold a child in my arms i feel guilty sharing because i don t want to hurt anyone but i share because the stories of others gave me hope on dark nights and because day has still not broken here i m not out of the woods and i need the support of my if sisters this is the first time i conceived on an on time ovulation i only get on time ovulation after miscarriages which is why this time i did not wait a cycle like my doctor asked i am hoping and praying this means my egg is fresh that perhaps it will stick i m seeing the hematologist tomorrow who will give me the final verdict on lovenox for my clotting disorder i m itching to ask the obgyn for it now but a day should be fine please no congratulations as most of you know this positive does not guaruntee anything but gives so much hope please hope with me but please do not congratulate the memories of the two i lost in 2009 are still too raw and i know how much i stand to lose it won t be until i have a baby in my arms healthy and happy that i will breathe my sigh of relief posted in pregnancy tests tagged lovenox pregnancy tests 24 comments thoughts while climbing k 2 august 25 2009 spain in july is sizzling and after eight days of blistering weather we decided to drive up to the sierra nevada and its snow capped peaks chilly weather guaranteed the guide book directed us to one mountain in particular promising a mere 100 yard hike to reach the summit from where the ocean and morocco would be visible with the naked eye eager we began our hike uphill but the mountain was deceiving for it curved the further we hiked the longer the horizon of mountain stretched before us jack took long strides while i stayed further behind taking baby steps pausing to catch my breath little did i know i was pregnant with loss 2 after an hour we looked at each other puzzled certainly we d walked 100 yards finally i asked a hiker coming downhill how much longer she smiled not much about two hours our jaws dropped we never knew it would be so far want to keep going jack asked i nodded i ll keep going until we get there we hiked another hour and finally jack turned around the sun is setting and we still have far to go i think we should turn around i protested i wanted to keep going you look drained we brought no water how do you want to continue i shook my head i didn t know why but we had to see the ocean gently he put his hand on my shoulder we had no idea it would be this far the guide book was wrong we need to stop today at work i clicked on a blog and was assaulted by the image of a lovely woman rubbing her belly with the words due date november 3 that was my due date i pressed play on my answering machine my insurance company congratulating me on my third trimester and wondering why i haven t filled out sent questionnaires i sat down tired and thought of my negative pg test the guide books lied sex and pre natals and little fairy dust is not all it takes to have a baby lately it feels the longer i hike the further the mountain stretches before me as the sun sets around me i wonder will i ever see the ocean will these blistered feet ever stop aching i m trying not to let my infertility own me but sometimes that bitch just tackles me to the ground still i trudge on because i ve heard once you reach the summit the painful hike feels light years ago and you nod and say it was worth it will i get to see it for myself most days i think i will but sometimes like now i feel doubt posted in grief infertility miscarriage ttc tww tagged grief infertility miscarriage ttc tww 3 comments 12dpo and negative pregnancy tests august 24 2009 we re back from my in laws i spent the majority of the time curled up on a sofa reading books or napping but i can t complain because i did not bleed speaking of signs my glorious signs hinting at possible pregnancy they re gone save the occasional needing to go to the bathroom at night i took a pregnancy test today 12dpo negative i m telling myself its still early that i woke up to pee twice last night and took this test an hour after my last bathroom visit that i usually test way later for a positive so perhaps it means nothing but seeing the stark blankness where i twice before saw a dark line does wonders in bringing down my mood i had spotting last tues wedns shouldn t the hcg be detectable now i will re test wednesday the day my period is due but i can t help but wonder what would change in a matter of just a few days friday as we drove to south carolina we stopped for dinner having eaten too much we decided to take a walk in the little plaza so we didn t feel queasy driving the two remaining hours the kohls looked bright and inviting so we stepped into the cool air conditioning and walked around just as we were about to leave i stopped in my tracks the picture frame aisle rows of beaded frames with red stickers announcing markdowns and then one frame round and yellow a huge sunflower frame it transported me back to the field of dead sunflowers and that one that remained alive and vibrant my sunflower hope i went to the register and told jack when our baby is born the first picture is going in this frame seeing a negative makes you feel silly for such spontaneous acts of hope its the very definition of a burst balloon the negative is a snide laugh ringing in my head whispering hurtful words you really thought you were how dumb are you we all feel sad when we see a negative but the other feeling of shame to have dared dreamed of helplessness that nothing not even ewcm and perfect timing guaruntees anything those feelings sting at a baser level i will test again wednesday and i will try to tell myself its okay if i m not pregnant it s just tough to self pep when you just felt so fucking sure posted in infertility miscarriage pregnancy tests ttc tww tagged infertility miscarriage pregnancy tests ttc tww 13 comments iclw octomom 9dpo and in laws august 21 2009 iclw welcome iclwers this is my first time and i m excited to discover new blogs blogging has helped me preserve my sanity in my darkest moments since my first miscarriage in april i write a post nearly every day sometimes twice a day through writing and reading your blogs i ve learned so much about my conditions and how to be a better advocate for myself i ve learned that some things that feel crazy are normal in the world of an ifer writing helps me make sense of my world and reading your blogs helps me remember i m not alone i can t say it enough thanks for writing and thanks for reading only we get we octomom i m not proud of myself but i watched the fox special some think its wrong to call her octomom but she trademarked the name i m not sure what the if community thinks about her but i watched with the ...