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when i know those around me have so many different standards but the answers sounded like mini conference talks replete with great question andrea the perfect homey personal experience not too verbose then and the moral is clearly the answers had already been prepared to questions the leaders had already chosen of course what could i expect imagine the apoplectic fit a real question might have inspired sister oscarson i ve been living with my dad and step dad now for 5 years they re really good to me but since the church changed its policy about the children of gay parents i feel pressured to move in with mom and her boyfriend do i really have to it creeps me out when her boyfriend reaches up my dress or brother owen i m going on a mission soon only lately i ve been doing a lot of masturbating i m not sure i can stop does that mean i won t get any converts see what i mean we all know that s never going to happen i m reminded of one of the last church meetings i attended it was a joint relief society priesthood meeting in suburban dallas our stake president was the featured speaker i found myself seated next to a gentleman i d never seen before thinking he was either a new ward member or perhaps a visitor from out of town i made an attempt to welcome him he went out of his way to ignore me to the point of rudeness then the stake president stood before us and after some brief introductory remarks turned the time over to questions from the audience the rude guy next to me eagerly raised his hand and the stake president immediately called on him president how can we teach our youth the difference between worldly knowledge and spiritual knowledge at that moment i realized what was going on the guy didn t want to talk to me because he was a ringer he had been put there to set up the stake president for the answer he d already prepared on the topic he d already chosen i thought to myself how could a grown man reduce himself to participating in such a sleazy and transparent con today some twenty years later i finally have my answer he was trained to do so in his youth i kept listening to that broadcast hoping against hope that one of those apprentice shills would switch sides and ask a real question elder rasband how can i not feel like a dope when i know my friends with different standards are at the school science fair while i m here reciting your prewritten lines in this phony q a unfortunately i knew that wasn t going to happen awards season is upon us again don t forget to visit main street plaza vote for your mormon themed favorites in the brodie awards posted by donna banta at 3 51 pm 12 comments labels fake q a s lds young men lds young women thursday december 31 2015 utah says no to trump i hardly ever venture into politics here but today am making an exception this morning s new york times ran a story about donald trump s relative popularity among republican voters according to the article of all the traditional republican enclaves utah has the weakest showing of trump supporters now i don t say this very often but way to go utah i m neither a utahan nor a republican and therefore in no position to explain this dynamic hopefully some of my gentle readers will weigh in on this in the comment field mark says it s because mormons adhere to organizations and therefore oppose trump and his rejection of the republican establishment i see his point only i m pretty sure there are a sizable number of rand paul supporters in utah and he s hardly a team player either could it be that utah republicans are too smart to buy a used car from a flamboyant blowhard who looks like he should be plugging the shamwow maybe but then they will buy an old beater from a reticent navy suit who looks like he should be managing a crooked hedge fund they ll even throw in 10 of their income could it be the hair i have to admit that lacquered combover almost makes the mormons genetic male pattern baldness look sexy almost perhaps i m overthinking things what the heck it s the holidays and on this rare occasion mark and i find ourselves on the same side as the utah republicans at least for the moment that s reason enough to break out the champagne even if it weren t new year s eve cheers and happy 2016 posted by donna banta at 12 39 pm 22 comments labels donald trump giving credit where credit is due happy new year lacquered combovers saturday december 19 2015 the crazy talk gets even crazier mormons have always gone crazy in defense of their church and its teachings it s never enough for a member to grudgingly go along with whatever the brethren come up with next she he is expected to embrace each new policy or pronouncement with orgasmic excitement yes brethren yes although in the wake of the recent new church policy regarding the children of same sex couples the quality of faking it has cheapened considerably uber faithful saints who used to carry on like sally with harry are now coming off more like princess leia with jabba the hutt and the crazy a ed arguments they re making for example this popular post from gay mormon guy that has been floating around social media for the past month in it the openly gay i m assuming celibate believing mormon blogger argues that the brethren are being totally fair after all the children of gay couples are not the only aspiring members who must face estrangement from their families among his examples are the daughter of fringe mormon polygamists and the son of radical islamists who threatened to kill him for leaving their faith i ll give the former extremist muslim kid a pass for cutting ties with mom and dad but i m not even going to try to wrap my head around the gay blogger s logic of comparing married same sex parents to homicidal fanatics if any of my more intellectually grounded readers would like to take a pass at it i welcome your insight as for the polygamy argument i keep hearing it from seemingly thoughtful mormons even and perhaps especially from those who are gay how can an admittedly gay man equate his natural desire to be with another man to some creepy old pervert s desire to collect underaged girls or to homicidal fanatics for that matter how does one reduce himself to this level of self loathing for the brethren face it they re a bunch of clueless old white men how clueless consider these remarks from apostle dallin oaks at a recent byu christmas address thanks to heather i saw this first on her blog four monkeys a few years ago i analyzed the christmas cards i received at my office and home there were many so this was not a small sample significantly my sample was biased toward religious images and words by the fact that most of the cards were sent by fellow leaders or members of my faith i sorted the cards i received into three groups in the first group i put the traditional cards those with an overt mention of christ and or pictures evocative of the birth of the savior only 24 percent of the cards i received were of this traditional character in the second group were those cards whose pictures and visuals were not at all religious but they did have the words merry christmas to identify the religious origin of the holiday this was the largest group 47 percent in the third group comprising 29 percent of the cards i received there was no mention of christ or christmas and no religious visuals at all these cards had words like season s greetings happy holidays peace in the new year or peace and beauty of the season a few were so daring as to refer to peace on earth or faith hope and love but none had any pictures suggestive of religion for latter day saints christmas should be a time to celebrate the birth of the son of god and also to remember his teachings in reality his life has had greater impact on every part of this world and its history than any life ever lived his gifts to us are the greatest gifts ever given the assurance of immortality and the opportunity for eternal life those are the gifts we should celebrate at this and every christmas see what i mean gentle readers nobody should be lying down on her back for some creepy old man who spends his quality time dividing his holiday cards into groups and then running statistical analysis to determine the standard deviation of the appearance of the words christmas and savior nevertheless i wouldn t be at all surprised to learn that since oaks talk utah valley stationary stores have been booming with business from shamefaced customers who ve dumped their holiday cards for a new set of christmas cards and heaven help the poor schlubs who had already put theirs in the mail sigh you really don t need to act like you re enjoying it in that spirit i wish you all happy holidays and peace in the new year thanks as always for reading i also hope that my above reference to princess leia doesn t dampen your enjoyment of the new star wars movie posted by donna banta at 10 11 am 19 comments labels clueless old white men dallin oaks four monkeys yes brethren yes friday december 4 2015 loving that appearance of evil it s tricky being a mormon they have to obey all these rules or at least look like they re obeying them that s the key looking the part just about every sunday mormons are reminded to avoid the appearance of evil this gospel tenant is driven so deeply into their collective psyche that you ll find them rushing to explain even the slightest possible misperceptions brother benson i know you saw me standing in front of the liquor store but it was only because i was admiring an ad featuring a guy that looked like someone i used to play ball with not that i m gay or anything the problem is the emphasis on appearances doesn t stop at the chapel doors during the week mormons go out into the world equally obsessed with how they look especially when they re hanging with the cool kids aka nonmembers this is why you ll see hipster clad mormons at starbucks buying milk in cool looking cups or at lds wedding receptions guzzling martinelli s in cool looking champagne flutes say what you want about evil bottom line it looks really cool speaking of mormon wedding receptions some years ago mark and i attended one such cool looking affair in dallas the posh gathering featured a martini bar only because it was a mormon home the caterers had to substitute mashed potatoes for the gin or vodka gravy for the vermouth sour cream for the twist of lemon etc are you following me gentle readers they served mashed potatoes in martini glasses how cool is that as we were leaving this sophisticated soiree mark suavely turned to me and in his coolest voice said make mine mashed not baked then we went to a bar i mean a real one in light of all this the recent utah soda wars should come as no surprise read more here evidently there s been a rise of dirty soda shops staffed with mixologists who serve soft drinks laced with non alcoholic flavor shots offering mormons the guilty pleasure of ordering what sounds like a cocktail competition is fierce with 2 chains vying in court over the use of the term dirty care for an extra dirty second wife it s a combo of mountain dew fruit syrups and half and half salud according to the article these establishments have their share of regulars they know me they know my drinks and they get excited when i walk in she a regular added it makes me feel good and no wonder it s like everybody knows her name dare i boast that i saw this coming in my 11 17 11 post it s ward cocktail hour abbottsville stake president dennis newsome suggested cocktail recipes featuring his own alcohol substitutes for example long island iced tea 3 4 oz windex 3 4 oz clam juice 3 4 oz root beer 3 4 oz mountain dew 3 4 oz karo syrup 3 4 oz mr bubble dash of lemon juice rum and coke 1 part root beer 2 parts root beer gee maybe i should sue somebody or better yet maybe mark and i will just toast the mormons again over our ritual friday night cocktails made with real booze not mountain dew or mashed potatoes may the saints continue to keep up appearances brother benson i know you saw me with that drink in my hand but it wasn t a real cocktail it was just my favorite extra dirty returned missionary not that i m gay or anything cheers posted by donna banta at 9 57 am 10 comments labels appearance of evil extra dirty second wife not that i m gay or anything sodalicious swig older posts home subscribe to posts atom click the image below to order my novels seer stone mormon erotica false prophet and the girls from fourth ward find more lds themed fiction and nonfiction here best lds interest book fiction mormon erotica best humor satire site or blog ward gossip best lds interest book novel false prophet best lds interest book fiction the girls from fourth ward funniest vignette or anecdote the faq s on coke and pepsi best lds related political commentary my spooky republican hell dream most amusing personal vignette or anecdote funniest humor piece blog archive 2018 1 february 1 mormon 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