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Text of the page (random words):
it s either this or that way it s one way or the other it should be one direction it could be on reflection the turn i have just taken the turn that i was making i might be just beginning i might be near the end enya sunday may 20 2012 oh i get by with a little help from my friends mmm i get high with a little help from my friends mmm i m gonna try with a little help from my friends it never ceases to amaze me how lucky i am to have friends who have made my life so comfortable and beautiful their love and affection never fails to overwhelm me a simple aap theek ho a sarcastic i called you cause you seemed to be going psycho a purposely cheesy you don t owe me more than what i owe you or random howling noises over an international call just to cheer me up are just a few examples of daily reminders that i get to tell me i am not alone and i never will be friends who still talk with a fond exasperation about all my obnoxious habits and in some perverse way even miss them when i am not around i know you do so quit pretending you don t p and are stubbornly always by my side are some things i will never get used to and i don t want to either lest i start taking any of it for granted i don t know what i ever did to deserve all this but i am definitely not complaining though i often have doubts if i give back as much as i get i try not to dwell on it for i don t want guilt to mar my affections and decide how much of myself i give to others it wouldn t be fair to my friends who are what they are and love the way they do because they are just plain and simple beautiful i used to say we get to places only if we have people who out of the goodness of their hearts help us along the way there have been many concepts of god and the universe that i believed in at some point only to discard later and like all my other fellow beings i am still at loss but one thing i feel with my whole heart mind consciousness or whatever is that it is these acts of love that feel like it anbe sivam is what kamal hassan says and who am i to say otherwise in those times of trouble when you are most alone the memories of love will bring you home john denver one of my friends had something else to say about this meeting people she believes that people are put in your life for a certain reason i will not pretend i understand wholly what she was saying if she meant that there is a higher force at work or karma that pulls people towards you because i haven t had the chance to ask her to elaborate but i can say one thing that if there is a higher force at work and if it has even the slightest influence on the decisions about who i meet in life and when then i should probably quit complaining because god is doing a damn good job of taking care of me by putting these people in my life and if there is even a tiny chance that it is karma at work then i love u guys for always reminding me that i am not too far gone and keeping me away from my personal hell but somewhere in my wicked miserable past there must have been a moment of truth for here you are standing there loving me whether or not you should sound of music posted by matty at 6 29 am 4 comments friday may 18 2012 another upheaval of beliefs and perceptions has the wheel in motion again i don t know what i believe in at the moment but i know this phase will pass as my mind will invariably try to connect the dots and introduce patterns to keep functioning this place where i am right now is actually quite nice but a little overwhelming this place of semi blissful blankness where i am hanging upside down in space and the sound of blood rushing to my head and the rhythmic thump of my pulse accentuates the roaring silence and numbs all my senses but there is the tiny ever present itch in an undefined place that i cannot reach and scratch so i just concentrate on breathing in and out and just being it is a nice place to be when i am in it and i might never want to wake up if it weren t for the phantom itch but at other times i am probably like a child who just wants to run around and play and scream and rebel against nap time till my body gives up and i doze off from sheer exhaustion like the child i want to continue with the role playing and don t want the curtains to come down we hold our emotions opinions beliefs and relationships close for we define ourselves through them and in sleep we are a part of the undefined i could look at the undefined as something that is always there but my mind only comes up with images of fading colors and it scares me the thought of immortality scares me to live for all eternity through the changing world and truly experiencing the transient nature of all things to be the dispassionate detached and vague echo of life when you fall into the dreamless sleep with eyes wide open seems more like a curse i don t even know if i am talking about eternal life or eternal sleep anymore to me they sound the same the concept of many lives and reincarnation feels like comfort food in comparison forgetting a lifetime and starting all over on a new adventure or replaying an old one without memories of having done it before but with just enough déjà vu to maintain the mystery of something more to be realized once again to be caught up in the dragon s unflagging appetite for its own self seems so much more alive and exhilarating the angst pulls at my insides and takes me to the edge but i resist the leap because the view from up here is infinitely better why does the gaping void seem so peaceful yet so repulsive and even in this state of suspension where i like the numbness i still push myself to define my doubts and questions because the itch won t vanish and allow me to sleep posted by matty at 1 47 am 2 comments for you akash sorry we never finished this in time posted by matty at 12 42 am 1 comment thursday may 17 2012 faith is dreaming children clapping in their sleep i haven t been a child for a very long time and i wake up without memories of a dream so i don t remember if i have faith and i don t remember whose voice i heard or what i clapped for so even if i did clap my hands i don t quite know what i believe in doubts permeate every pore like noxious gas from beneath closed doors shadows cloaked in colors of faith keep me down in a stranglehold and on the road i ride a mere wraith breath frosting in the air so cold posted by matty at 10 35 am no comments sunday january 30 2011 posted by matty at 11 51 pm no comments posted by matty at 11 49 pm no comments i am of ireland and the holy land of ireland and time runs on cried she come out of charity come dance with me in ireland w b yeats posted by matty at 11 47 pm 1 comment i m walking down the line that divides me somewhere in my mind on the border line of the edge and where i walk alone posted by matty at 11 45 pm no comments posted by matty at 11 42 pm no comments dryads posted by matty at 11 38 pm no comments friday april 11 2008 i should have known things were changing but i didn t recognize the signs either the transition was too smooth or i was blind things have been different for the past two days connecting with the green world beltaine drawing closer ritual cleansing and re energizing and the works spent two lazy summer afternoons feeling the sun burn my skin and appreciating spring and summer changes for probably the first time in my life and then there was the dead snake i found on my path dried and shriveled and so i sought him out it had been a long time not that the time mattered but my inability to see things through definitely did i was a little ashamed at my lack of commitment and he was perhaps a bit disappointed he had been waiting for me to seek him out so that he could let me know and in that instant i did i understood he was leaving not fading the powers weren t getting dimmer and the spirit was just as strong but the link between us was fading and it will vanish when he chooses it almost has he waited just long enough to bring me to pan the name was picked at random and was accepted and recognized even before i could reconsider my choice but it suits him caught somewhere between azure and cobalt somewhat translucent with a sparkle that seems to be a permanent part of his scales like glitter it might be sometime before our bond strengthens but here i am at my second reawakening in a single lifetime i never got to call pd by any specific name nor did i ever feel the need or desire too and i never asked what he had been called before just that we fell smoothly into our roles of the wise old guardian and the charge we found each other at my first awakening or rather i found him whereas he was waiting with memories intact i should be sad to see him go but i am not my heart is heavier with the thought that maybe i should feel something more than just a detached acceptance but he knows it too i am not them anymore i think at times he searched too hard for them in me just as i search for my memories i haven t found them yet probably to give myself time to make new ones he never told me about them and i never thought to ask and now he is leaving going to be a part of everything and nothing there was another me to whom he was connected for centuries through lifetimes my other self s pan only he knows how much i have changed through them to not be the same anymore i am not worried about not seeing him again i know i will just as i know it will be when i can touch those memories again and realize they are just that memories he said i wouldn t be there to see him go i can still go back and see him off but i don t think he would want me to it is now just me and pan he is a youngling i was told he would be the raw power to my intent and the skill to my choice we would have to train and grow together quite the charmer he is and so this beltaine i will toast to new beginnings posted by matty at 11 39 pm 6 comments monday december 04 2006 magical me posted by matty at 9 35 am 6 comments sunday november 05 2006 pink is my new obsession siriusly pink black was the color black was the passion black was the color of desperate rebellion the color of mysterious revelations darkness wears pink while it mourns the death of black when it faded into sophistication and conservativeness siriusly and that is by far the most ghisofied pun of the century pink is the new black the violent expression of sugar and spice and all that is nice well puppy dog tails are really cute too really try being really nice to people nothing scares them more so pink is the color of the new wave of rebellion y do i feel like i m chanelling a certain tonksie member of the black family if falling for wolves is any indication and as pink establishes its empire and flourishes from the caverns deep or from beyond the veil if u prefer black will be resurrected as it was so it would be now and always unto eternity the cycle continues well i prefer to sit back and watch the cycle with the purples and greens o my gawd i m really losing it i need chocolate posted by matty at 12 04 am 5 comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom moon tracker current moon moon info blog archive 2012 4 may 4 oh i get by with a little help from my friends mm another upheaval of beliefs and perceptions has for you akash sorry we never finished this faith is dreaming children clapping in their slee 2011 6 january 6 2008 1 april 1 2006 14 december 1 november 1 september 12 links google news here be dragons wand makers myth magic celtic music irish pub songs tamil song notes fellow bloggers celluloid raiders maddy wildcat chintu tumpa dad isis adopt your own virtual pet shadow adopt your own virtual pet about me matty view my complete profile awesome inc theme powered by blogger