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revealing how old she really is it s quite another when she drops the bombshell that mary had a baby at 16 that she gave up for adoption that this is played for laughs as just another embarrassing secret is odd enough but it s treated as a throwaway joke to be completely forgotten about for the rest of the film maybe it would have been funnier if the kid showed up later and was played by denzel washington notable also ran christian bale in swing kids 1993 in retrospect maybe there should have been a tie in 2014 it depends on what you think is worse a comedy that s not funny or a drama that s completely laughable swing kids tells the story of a group of teens in wwii germany who rebelled against the nazis by embracing american culture and in particular swing music that s an interesting subject for a movie and had it featured actual german kids it might have worked but all the good guys speak with american accents and all the bad guys speak with german accents and when a good guy turns into a bad guy they suddenly acquire a german accent then there s then ending oh that ending i found it on youtube just watch it what in chicken plucking hell was that from the look on his face even christian bale doesn t know what to make of it according to some of the youtube comments swing kids is being shown in history classes at what schools do those same schools screen reptilicus in biology classes 2015 winner edward norton in death to smoochy 2002 it was a flop when released but has since developed a cult following with fans who feel it was an underrated gem i am not part of that cult it tells the story of a disgraced childrens program host robin williams who unfortunately has made worse films who plots to sabotage his replacement a sincere pure of heart dupe norton it s hard to pin down why this movie never works it may be the most ambitiously bad movie on this list the satire falls flat once you realize that everyone but smoochy is terrible there aren t any surprises watching it is like being sealed inside a bouncy castle with a family of rabid porcupines notable also ran robert duvall in the detective 1968 a crime drama about a police detective joe leland frank sinatra searching for a killer whose victim is revealed to be a closeted gay man the picture portrays gay men as either sniveling psychos self loathing monsters or bitchy queens who we re supposed think deserve what they get robert duvall in a supporting role plays a fellow detective chewing scenery in one of his few bad performances it s based upon a book by roderick thorp who wrote a sequel thirteen years later titled nothing lasts forever that book was later adapted into a film with some plot changes and a change in the lead character s name to john mcclane yep die hard is actually a sequel to the detective 2016 winner sylvester stallone in stop or my mom will shoot 1992 this movie didn t have to suck an action buddy comedy featuring a mother son team could have been funny especially with stallone and estelle getty in the leads but what would have been funny would be if the mom was a shrewd smart street savvy old broad you know like the characters getty usually played instead they made her the stupidest human being on the planet she isn t stupid for any comedic reason her stupidity isn t funny she s stupid because the writers are stupid they ve created a five minute sketch and dragged it out into six hours oh wait it s only 87 minutes easy mistake sylvester stallone considers it the worst film he s ever made describing it as maybe one of the worst movies in the entire solar system including alien productions we ve never seen notable also ran charlotte rampling in zardoz 1974 it s possible that orca was rampling s worst film but that was just a dumb jaws ripoff while zardoz is uniquely bad it might also be one of the most entertainingly bad movies i ve seen every frame of it is insane this is also sean connery s worst film for reasons that are obvious when you see the wardrobe the wardrobe 2017 winner isabelle huppert in heaven s gate 1981 this expensive expansive western epic ipecac is one of the most notorious bombs of all time it actually bankrupted a studio over the years it s been cut and recut so i have no idea which version i actually saw presumably there s a version that s actually good but i have no desire to see every version to find it one viewing of this incoherent mess was enough 2018 winner gary oldman in the scarlet letter 1995 the movie that put the dim in dimmesdale to say they took liberties with the nathaniel hawthorne novel is an understatement they turned it into hester after dark an actual porno film would have been more honest and we d know what the a stood for should have also ran christopher plummer in starcrash 1978 we re all saddened by the recent passing of christopher plummer a consistantly fine actor with a career that spanned seven decades when he received an oscar nomination for all the money in the world becoming at the age of 88 the oldest actor to be nominated it hadn t occurred to me he had a movie worthy of a skelly but i had not seen starcrash in fact i never even heard of it until i watched the recent revival of mystery science theater 3000 and it was used in one episode it s a space opera featuring an intergalactic pirate carol munro whose wardrobe consists mostly of bikinis her trusty sidekick marjoe gortner whose hair upstages him and a robot that for some reason speaks with a redneck accent along the way they meet the prince of the galaxy david hasselhoff david hasselhoff christpher plummer plays the prince s father the emperor of the galaxy he comes off a bit more dignified than the rest of the cast i m not sure if he s good or it s just that the rest of the cast is so embarrassingly bad that his no nonsense proffessionalism just makes him seem better by comparison what i am sure of is that starcrash is the lamest star wars ripoff ever if action figures for this thing exist owners can remove them from their original packaging secure in the knowledge that a decrease in value would be mathematically impossible 2019 winner richard e grant in hudson hawk 1991 i considered canceling the skelly awards that year because it was basically a two movie race the other one being the lame glenn close vehicle maxie but having avoided seeing hudson hawk for nearly 30 years i finally watched it solely for the column no way would i endure such an exhausting mind numbing experience and have nothing to show for it richard e grant who played one of the movie s villains detailed his experiences on the film in his autobiography with nails according to him star bruce willis kept adding new ideas and re writing the film during production which explains why the movie went way over budget it also explains why the plot is so incoherent and there s no continuity or as grant put it it was a stinking pile of steaming hot donkey droppings he was being kind 2020 winners al pacino in cruising 1980 and tom hanks in mazes and monsters 1982 tie cruising is the only movie on this list to have been picketed by a minority group no not film critics though that would make sense the lgbt community took offence to it with good reason today images of gay characters have become so mainstream that last december there were four holiday films featuring gay couples played by openly gay actors but in 1980 a movie about an undercover cop pacino tracking a serial killer targeting gay men who frequent leather bars was one of the few movies to feature any segment of the lgbt community and it confirmed everyone s worst assumptions controversy aside cruising is nothing more than a big budget slasher flick but the plot makes less sense and nobody in it looks like they ever used deodorant in their life from the opening with a dribbly ballad dumped over the credits like syrup to the wtf ending mazes and monsters made me laugh harder than carbon copy she devil death to smoochy stop or my mom will shoot and hudson hawk combined too bad it s not a comedy but a cautionary tale it centers on a group of college students who play a role playing game mazes and monsters a stand in for dungeons and dragons according to this movie rpg s are a gateway drug to larping which leads to mental illness tom hanks character robbie loses all touch with reality and begins to believe he s a character in the game this is presented as real danger he s like that guy in reefer madness who winds up being committed to a mental institution for the rest of his life if tommy wiseau adapted a jack chick tract into a feature film no even that wouldn t be as ridiculous i hope you ve all enjoyed this annual column i ll leave you all with one final note i have a confession to make i ve seen every one of these movies except one in one case and only one case i bluffed having seen it i meant to but couldn t get hold of a copy in time for the column but was confident that it was awful enough to decalre it the winner anyway the first person to correctly guess which one it is won t win anything but will have the satisfaction of being a really fast guesser and really isn t that reward enough posted by scott at 11 13 pm 9 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels bill s ssays friday april 9 2021 friday beast blogging the drunk n disorderly edition moondoggie i m tellin you guys hic once you go black you never go back bacon is it you never go back bacon cuz that sounds delicious shadow he had a little too much catnip moondoggie what who said that i heard that shadow i did moondoggie no one of them called you a basic black bitch which one of you said that i will find you and i will claw you down to the shin bone shadow he doesn t mean that moondoggie i do too i m dangerous when riled i once killed a man in reno just for salivating at my tuna shadow honey c mon you really need to simmer down moondoggie awww fine you re just lucky my chick s here photo courtesy of maryc posted by scott at 1 09 pm 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels wild things the slumgullion episode 84 zack snyder s justice league dawn of hyphens well it s a relatively new year and a few new films are tentatively poking their heads above ground like so many celluloid punxsutawney phils so we ve pulled the new movie crew out of mothballs but we re all a little rusty from the long off season so we re going to start easy with a film that s only mostly new zack snyder s justice league less joss more snyd the slumgullion podcast slumgullion 84 justice league the snyder cut dawn of hyphens posted by scott at 12 37 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels podcasts the slumgullion sunday march 28 2021 zombbq him are are you all right elaine her yes roger everything s fine now while you were unconscious i talked it over with the zombies and they ve agreed to eat you instead of me because better you than me him what but i thought you loved me her and so will they especially with this zesty dry rub i ve applied to your breast and thighs posted by scott at 6 48 pm 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels for no good reason repurposed pulp older posts home subscribe to posts atom disqus tipjar support the snark buy our book on amazon get our audiobook available on audible itunes get the t shirt get the mug o crap four paws rescue helping homeless dogs and cats subscribe now feed icon subscribe in a reader blogroll alicublog alternate brain bartholomew s notes bats left throws right beginning to wonder big bald bastard bjkeefe brilliant at breakfast burned over district conwebblog crooks and liars d r i f t g l a s s debbi mack dependable renegade disaffected and it feels so good ear candle productions echidne of the snakes edicts of nancy elayne riggs empire of the senseless eschaton fables of the reconstruction feministe fgaq gabriel 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