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Text of the page (random words):
t like loading posted in random tagged american heart association go red for women grief heart disease awareness feb 03 two teen years down posted by yaymoregray 2 peanut turned 15 last month i have no idea how that happened i was talking to a guy at work and i said it was her 15th birthday and i have no idea what happened but i just brought her home from the hospital yesterday he gasped and asked what happened i didn t understand what he meant he asked why was she in the hospital i laughed and said oh i meant because i am not old enough to have a 15 year old and it seemed like i just brought her home yesterday and i blinked and now she is 15 then he said oh yes his wife says that too and then tells me he would have had ten boys if he would never have had to go through his daughter s teenage years and he is from the south so added a lord have mercy great i don t know if that was encouraging or not at least i have topic security share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading posted in parenthood tagged 15th birthday blink and they grow up hormonal life with a teenager parenthood teenager feb 02 a promise letter to my kids posted by yaymoregray 0 dear peanut and bird i imagine you may not remember i write this blog so maybe i will have to show you one day it is important to me that you know how i feel and i worry you don t hear me when i tell you it has been a difficult year but you have both surprised me with how you have come to terms with everything i am still waiting for the other shoe to fall if you will but i am relieved too that it hasn t please know that you are the most important people in my life i love you both so much and i fear that you don t or won t love me back as much but all i can do is what i think is best and hope that one day you will be ok with me and my decisions i have agonized every step about how you will feel and how my decisions will affect you please believe that i have put you first though people will not believe me but they are not living my life so they do not matter to me you matter to me i do not feel i have been a good mother to you so i need to do what is best to make me happy so then i can be the happy loving mother you both deserve nanny always put me first and didn t take care of herself and i remember her as mostly sad or angry and i do not want you to remember me like that please know that no matter what i love you more than anything else in the world i will do anything for you i am trying to do my best i promise sometimes i get it right and sometimes i don t but i do try there is no manual for parenting or life and sometimes things change in not so good ways all you can do is keep on and try to find a positive there is always something to be thankful for i am thankful that i was the one you were sent to that i get to be mom to two special people i will always be your mother and will always love you and like you too that will not ever change i can promise you that share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading posted in parenthood random tagged a mother s love change difficult life decisions letter to my children parenting promise dec 17 i m afraid posted by yaymoregray 0 there are now two days that i have been afraid for my children and the world they are growing up in september 11 2001 and november 8 2016 the first was a horrible act of terrorism against the united states that i could do nothing about the second is a day i tried to do something about but i wasn t enough to keep an obnoxious disrespectful unprofessional racist chauvinist out of the white house i worry for the example he will set for my children and the things he will enforce that will affect their futures let s make america great again yeah right share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading posted in parenthood random tagged election 2016 pray for the u s what have we done nov 09 remember posted by yaymoregray 0 15 years ago one of those events that it seems like it just happened no matter how much time has passed one of those events you wish you could forget but never can i was almost 6 months pregnant with peanut i couldn t bear to watch the coverage after a while what kind of world was i bringing this baby into would she be safe i had no answers and couldn t do anything but hope and pray it would be ok the class of 2020 is the first class that will read about this attack and were not alive when it happened they are lucky in a way that they don t know the horror of watching the events unfold over and over and over again i did not know anyone who died that day but i will still take time to remember and pray for those who did i will always remember god bless us all all lives matter share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading posted in grief parenthood tagged 9 11 grief remembrance terrorist attacks sep 11 the chuck it phase posted by yaymoregray 0 so i made french bread pizza for dinner since it was only bird and me he kept asking me how much longer until it was done since i don t feed him enough so while he was waiting he distracted himself from starvation by telling me that it would be cool if we had a robot that if you said french bread pizza the robot would go poof there it is in a second and then chuck the pizza at your face i said well that would be fast but you would get your face burned off so no not cool so he says fine tell the robot noodles and then when he chucked them at your face they wouldn t be as burny hot because they are smaller that would be cool i say yes but then the noodles would be slimy and moist on your face and that s gross he said yeah but having a food chucking robot would be cool i agreed then we went grocery shopping which was most definitely not cool nothing on the shelves and they stuffed the three bags i had since i only brought three i only want to use three right ugh anyway on the way to the store bird says that it would be really cool to fish in the ocean and catch some random big fish that he could chuck at someone s face i asked why would you waste your fish chucking it at someone s face he said because he could because it was only kinda big not too big oh ok then at the store he starts talking about how he is going to make a game like baseball but he would use lemons because then when he chucked it at someone s face they would get juice squirted in their eyes and that would be funny and cool i said well it wouldn t be cool for the people watching that got juice squirted in their eye because they were too close to the person you were really chucking the lemon at he said well mommy they would have special cool juice prevention glasses oh ok wonder if you have to catch them as they are chucked at your face share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading posted in parenthood tagged kid logic random ten year old boy things kids say throwing things at people aug 15 father s day from an orphan s point of view posted by yaymoregray 0 sorry for the long silence things have been a bit rough and i haven t been able to write this was written last year but i felt too vulnerable publishing it but now i think i need to to help me as i try harder to stay in the present and not obsess over the past or worry about the future all you had to do was say you re sorry i would have forgiven you postcard on http www postsecret com i didn t become an orphan in the usual way where both parents passed away at the same time no that label took 16 years to take hold the first parent leaving when i was 13 the other parent leaving when i was 29 one left by choice the other by circumstance the one who left by choice was the man who helped my mother have me when he decided she wasn t enough woman for him and walked out to be with his girlfriend he turned my world upside down i was 13 already dealing with hormones and body changes and mood swings and i didn t understand i was angry and felt forced to spend time with him and felt like he didn t want to be with me either then one day when he dropped me off after a particularly awkward visit he said i was never a 13 year old girl i don t know how to relate to you and those were his last words to me i have tried through the years to contact him because i couldn t bear to not be in his life i realize now he should have tried to contact me because he couldn t bear to not be in my life my college graduation my first marriage the celebration of earning a master s degree i wrote so many letters some i sent some i didn t because i was upset and afraid to send them telling him begging him to come to these events that nothing from the past would matter and no response i don t know why i kept trying to be honest maybe i thought he wasn t getting the letters that his new wife was intercepting them so if i kept trying maybe she would relent or he would get to the mail first then his mother died and the obituary said she was survived by one grandchild i was the oldest of two but though that hurt me i still had hope that he would find me and say he was sorry can we please start over and try to fix our relationship and i would have but then on whatever day i had the service for angelmom i knew he would do something to show that he cared for her for me i wasn t sure if i wanted him there it would distract from her if he did come and probably upset me more but i hoped he would at least send flowers or a card or something again no response on the day i most needed one maybe he didn t know where i lived but he could have sent something to the funeral home so that is the day i decided he was dead to me and i was officially an orphan but deciding i was an orphan didn t turn off the feelings completely i guess because the mind knows you re lying to yourself that it s not factual what you believe two months later i married mr g and then a little over two years later i had peanut and then four years after that i had bird and through all these years i would see him around town i so wanted to go up to him and say here are your beautiful grandchildren that you will never have the joy of knowing i looked just like him he would always know me right of course he would i never went up to him because i was afraid he would pretend he didn t know me and by rejecting me again he would reject my children as well and they didn t deserve that i couldn t bear that so i kept quiet and made myself miserable what s funny is that those hateful last words put me on a path for what i thought was normal male behavior three boyfriends followed after he left us one almost turned into a husband and one did turn into a husband and they all felt that i wasn t enough for them and found another woman yet i felt it was my fault i was a teenager or in my early 20s i didn t even know who i was or what i wanted how could it be my fault did any of them really love me i don t know it made me distrustful and guarded and reluctant to love i did have positive male influence in my life and i appreciate those men who were or still are in my life and the new men who have accepted me as family but it s not the same as the blood relationship and believe it or not father s day is almost as unbearable as mother s day it s the same ache same jealousy i have watching other women with their mothers my children will only have mr g s parents as grandparents and that makes me sad but unfortunately there is nothing i can do about that i can t try anymore he doesn t want to be in my life i have to accept it and yet i will still think of him today and wonder if he thinks of me too i can t help it i wish i could he has hurt me enough to the man who helped my mother have me none of this is my fault it s yours all you had to do was say you re sorry share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading posted in grief random tagged divorce father s day grief infidelity loss loss of mother moving on orphan rejection jun 19 two unfamiliar sights posted by yaymoregray 2 there are two things i haven t seen in so long i almost forget what they are the sun and peanut s several thousand dollar smile the april showers haven t brought may flowers but more showers and peanut has been dealing with school drama and me and bird being annoyingly alive so she has been a bit moody i know such a surprise so of course when she asked to go grocery shopping with me late friday night i said sure that would be great but thought something else completely different yeah i said it any parent of a teenager would totally back me up here she was wearing long sweatpants and when she got out of the car she stepped in a puddle and her ankles got wet so she rolled her pants up ridiculously high so they looked like shorts but until she ran into the store one leg had unrolled and the other was half unrolled she said omg mom i hope i don t run into anyone i know i said she was probably safe that late on a rainy friday night as usual when she is with me there were alot of foods in the cart that she loves in the store that will be despised as soon as they are in the house but she was happy so i was happy but somehow i left my teenager in the store and picked up another it was raining again when we left the store and this strange girl says get in the car mom i will unload the groceries and take the cart back funny she also had her sweatpants rolled up so they wouldn t get wet wonder if she knows peanut share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading posted in happy moments parenthood shopping tagged april showers grocery shopping may flowers moodiness rain teenager wet pants may 13 she knows me too well posted by yaymoregray 0 so peanut had a fun day and spent the afternoon shopping at a large mall with a couple friends bird had a fun day playing at his friend s house i thought i had a fun day doing next to nothing reading coloring and playing solitaire on my kindle but now i realized i forgot to get the wine out and celebrate a quiet house so i didn t have as much fun as i could have anyway peanut comes home and tells me everything she bo...