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have a feeling my supply will be good i just hope my baby takes to it and it s easy and comfortable the c section also doesn t thrill me because i m concerned it might make it harder to nurse but hearing from others who were able to nurse after a c sect reassures me that it might all turn out ok i m hoping to nurse for at least 6 months exclusively and then we ll see how it goes depending on whether i go back to work or not i work in an office where there are cameras everywhere so nursing or actually pumping in the office is not going to work out for me i m trying to take it easy at work as much as possible think i m only going to work for the next 4 weeks which gets me to 36 weeks and then i ll take an early maternity leave or maybe my doctor can insist i go on bed rest and that would appease my non baby friendly boss that i need to be out for medical reasons and hopefully the baby will cook a bit longer ideally to 37 weeks if possible we went to register this weekend and holy crap is that a daunting process it made me feel so inadequate like i m so unprepared to be a mom i had no idea what half of the stuff in the store was or what it s main use is it makes me wonder how we have evolved as a people before there were nipple brushes and boppy pillows and sitting stools and stuff and how am i supposed to know what type of sling or carrier is best for me i have no idea or strollers i feel like i ll be stigmatized if i buy the really expensive stroller but if i buy the cheapy one which seems just as good will my baby be judged by the other mommies and kids at the playground and will that cheapy stroller end up costing b and i and our child thousands of dollars in therapy it s all so overwhelming but then there s another part of me that is overwhelmed in a good way all the baby stuff is so cute and my eyes widen and i feel like i want it all and will have to win the lottery to afford it all not to mention move to a bigger residence which also requires winning the lottery the baby business is such a racket i thought the fertility docs had it made now i m thinking the folks who invent all these products are the real money making geniuses that s the general update i hope to be able to post more frequently in the weeks to come and i really hope i get to share the god news of a safe arrival and a good delivery of the little one i m starting to get really excited as is b but of course there s a part of us that still has a hard time excepting this is for real i don t think we ll fully believe it until someone hands us this baby and says enjoy posted by ella 1 48 pm 6 comments friday february 09 2007 half baked baby its so crazy that i m at 20 weeks this week as one of my friends said to me my baby is now half baked i think that just sounds funny i had my 20 week check up at the ob on tuesday they didn t do an u s but confirmed there was a ticker still beating away in there via doppler so i am a little more assured now that i ve made it halfway through my pregnancy i would feel better if i had any movement but hopefully that will come soon enough i was hoping that despite the anterior placenta i had been diagnosed with earlier i would still feel some activity but i guess not i m still pretty much enjoying a symptom free pregnancy with a few glitches my ob mentioned to me this week that my blood pressure was really low at my appt it was 90 40 i ve never had it that low before i usually have normal pressure and most times its actually slightly elevated a dr s appt s b c i have dr s appt related anxiety so i was concerned and can t shake it i went to dr google and started reading all these scary studies about how low blood pressure leads to stillbirth my ob said it s nothing to worry about it might have to do with the way i m retaining water i don t feel dizzy or light headed or anything like that just tired from not getting a good night s sleep my only pregnancy related symptom complaint i ve been getting leg crams nonstop whether i sleep on my left or right side and i get up about 5 times night to stretch and flex my toes also i finally gained some weight i am now 7lbs above my base weight and it s a 4 lbs gain in 4 weeks so i feel a bit better i think all of my actual weight will just come on in the end i do have this huge belly and i am really enjoying it people say i look skinnier than i ve looked in a long time just with this basketball in the middle of me one of my friends actually said to me last night that i am a cute pregnant person which is very sweet and makes me feel good i m big enough now to be obviously pregnant looking and last week someone looked me up and down on the subway and offered me their seat and this is with my heavy winter coat on b c it s damn freezing in ny b took pictures of my belly this week and we sent them to my parents they were laughing hysterically they live in florida and aren t getting the joy of seeing me pregnant in person so this picture was their first taste of their daughter looking obviously pregnant it was very cute they called me immediately after receiving the picture to laugh and say how happy this makes them i m hoping they are able to come to visit in april for passover and they can rub the buddha belly in person i have to say if i make it through this pregnancy process with a healthy baby in tow i can honestly say i m enjoying being pregnant my ob also said that at this point she considers me a pretty low risk pregnancy which i guess is good truthfully i would still rather be high risk b c i feel like they would be watching me more carefully but she said at this point my having ashermans is a non factor in my pregnancy assuming i don t have placenta issues i have my big anatomy scan next week so i am looking forward to that i know they will re check my cervix and hopefully check the placenta and try to rule out placenta accreta although it might be too soon for that in some respects i can t believe how quickly time is flying by but then every day also seems incredibly long i m also having all these mixed emotions knowing that if our first pregnancy had worked out id be celebrating my kid s first birthday this weekend as much as i try to remove this thought from my head it s hard because i get these constant reminders in the mail about ways to decorate for the first birthday party stages of food my baby should be on etc word to the wise don t sign up for babycenter or if you do don t give then your mailing address i have tried to throw these things away without evening opening the envelope i would have thought being pregnant would make all of these sad emotions go away but really they still linger everyone says by 20 weeks you should feel comfortable and secure in the pregnancy and i m just not there yet i ve heard one too many horror stories and know of people who have had late term losses i m too antsy to shop for anything baby related or look into pediatricians or really commit to anything because i don t want to jinx this but then i stat to worry that this will make me a poor unprepared parent i guess i m having a hard time balancing my superstitious side with my rational sense of what i need to do in advance while i have the time and energy someone recently asked me if i ve had any cravings while pregnant the easy answer is no i haven t had any cravings at all the only thing i crave is security and a positive outlook and that seems well beyond my reach i hope by the third trimester the fears will subside and i ll feel more confident that things will work out for us i really hope this feeling kicks in soon pun intended posted by ella 12 21 pm 9 comments wednesday january 17 2007 17 weeks and counting happy belated new year everyone i have been so remiss about posting lately and just can t get around to composing my thoughts i ve had so much on my mind but every time i sit down to type i get distracted with work stuff at work and home stuff at home ah excuses excuses i m 17 weeks as of yesterday and still pregnant i had my last u s at the high risk group three weeks ago it went well the u s tech was kinda new and wasn t sure what she was really measuring she said she was told to do an anatomy and cervical length measurement but it was too early for an anatomy and she didn t know how to do the cervical measurement she did do regular measurements of the baby and everything was on track she was also kinda snotty i was so nervous and kept giggling that s my defensive mechanism to laugh or cry and she was yelling at me to lie still and i tried to keep my self calm by cracking jokes and commenting on how amazing today s technology is i said i wondered how a hundred years ago anyone was ever even born healthy without u s technology and all this high tech equipment and she was like well women weren t as neurotic then as they are today i thought that was kind of offensive and i told her after everything i ve been through and having developed asherman s i deserve to be a little neurotic and extra cautious don t i know what her response was what s asherman s i ve never heard of that of course she hadn t so i had to give her the cliff note version and educate yet another medical professional finally she called in the senior u s tech who we love from my nuchal and she was much better she walks in takes one look at the monitor and turns to us and says within 3 seconds you guys wanna know what you re having we said no and she was giggling and saying that she knows she can tell right away so we now are convinced we are having a boy b c she reacted so quickly to the u s and we re positive she saw a penis she must have all along i had been feeling girl vibes and i did an old wives tale test online and it came up 70 girl but now i m thinking boy plus the profile of the baby looked almost exactly like b the u s scan definitely has his little pig nose and his mouth and chin and just looks very male to us so we re thinking boy but there is that element of surprise still left there anyway the good u s tech did a cervical length and said everything looks fine for now and they ll re check it in 3 weeks which is this friday she said the measurement was about 4cm and they like to see it over 3 so i m ok for now the heart rate dropped a little to 140 it was 150 last time we went truthfully i think we both really wanted a girl initially b wants a girl to be daddy s little girl and adore him like i do my dad of course we don t care either way as long as it s a healthy baby but i m nervous to have a boy for very stupid reasons one is religious b c i have all these mixed feelings about a bris traditional jewish circumcision and hate that in my jewish hertiage and culture you have to watch your boy go through his first surgery in front of a gazillion guests who toast you with bagels and whitefish salad i m just not into that i m fine with a circumcision but prefer it be done in a hospital with a rabbi there to say a blessing i don t want to make spectacle of the event and i know that my wishes aren t go to go over well with family so i don t want to deal with that stress also my mil is a bit of a know it all and i don t want to hear it from her how she raised 2 boys and knows all and i feel like with a girl i can exercise some semblance of control and remind her that it s my baby and she knows nothing about rearing girl babies these are all such stupid superficial things but that s why i was kind of hoping for a girl in the back of my head of course i m thrilled either way and we ll figure out the boy stuff but it s just extra mental stress i don t need also think i m carrying like a boy carrying high no morning sickness looking good during pregnancy age at conception etc so we ll see b thinks i d love having a boy a little mama s boy to adore me more than anyone in this world spoken like a true mama s boy himself and that might be true so i m really comfortable either way and really just want a healthy baby regardless of gender i know my boy issues are dumb and i ll get over them and ultimately i know the to bris or not to bris conversation will be one that i determine but i just don t want the extra stress of disappointing my in laws my parents are fine with whatever decision b and i make as long as the baby is snipped somewhere somehow ugh so many decisions for someone who isn t even religious other than that i continue to feel really well i m still symptom less with the exception of a growing belly i have gained 2 8 lbs since i found out i was pregnant but my belly has definitely popped my ob said everything looks as is should and i should feel more confident when i start to feel some movement in there the only hitch is that she also told me i had an anterior placenta which she explained as totally normal and common and not a big deal in fact she had that with both of her pregnancies it just means that because my placenta faces the front closer to my belly i likely won t feel movement until much further along perhaps at 24 weeks all i want is to feel some activity and that is something i am going to have to wait for so i m trying to stay positive and enjoy this work has been a really good distraction as is spending time with b and friends and doing the things we normally love doing watching movies and tv going out to eat cooking going to museums reading etc one thing that pregnancy after infertility teaches you or at least me is to be focused on other things besides baby baby baby i feel like my friends who had it easy are just consumed by their upcoming babies all they can talk about is nursery decorations and their pregnancies and it s like their brains have dissolved into nothing more than baby mush i m actually enjoying my ability to focus on other things work current events arts and my friends in fact i got an e mail from a college friend who is pregnant with her first due in 3 months and i think she mentioned something baby related 5 times in a 6 sentence e mail i on the other hand didn t even tell her i m pregnant i know i don t get any brownie points for that but i feel like i want to retain who i am as person first mommy second i m enjoying shopping for non baby related items right now i can have a conversation about movies that are playing books i m reading not just baby books and i feel like an adult who doesn t just talk strollers and car seats and public schools except to debate my city zoning laws and what they ve done to gentrify the schools in my neighborhood after all our country is fighting foreign wars and all my easily pregnant friends can talk about are what color to decorate in to provide a more relaxing environment and how all they have energy for in terms of household chores is laundry i m sure if i have this baby my brain will slightly turn to mush too and i too will become focused on what s best for my baby and how to nurture and educate to the best of my abilities but until that time i m going to enjoy myself the way i m used to and continue to spend my weekends catching u...
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