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Text of the page (random words):
ow the to bris or not to bris conversation will be one that i determine but i just don t want the extra stress of disappointing my in laws my parents are fine with whatever decision b and i make as long as the baby is snipped somewhere somehow ugh so many decisions for someone who isn t even religious other than that i continue to feel really well i m still symptom less with the exception of a growing belly i have gained 2 8 lbs since i found out i was pregnant but my belly has definitely popped my ob said everything looks as is should and i should feel more confident when i start to feel some movement in there the only hitch is that she also told me i had an anterior placenta which she explained as totally normal and common and not a big deal in fact she had that with both of her pregnancies it just means that because my placenta faces the front closer to my belly i likely won t feel movement until much further along perhaps at 24 weeks all i want is to feel some activity and that is something i am going to have to wait for so i m trying to stay positive and enjoy this work has been a really good distraction as is spending time with b and friends and doing the things we normally love doing watching movies and tv going out to eat cooking going to museums reading etc one thing that pregnancy after infertility teaches you or at least me is to be focused on other things besides baby baby baby i feel like my friends who had it easy are just consumed by their upcoming babies all they can talk about is nursery decorations and their pregnancies and it s like their brains have dissolved into nothing more than baby mush i m actually enjoying my ability to focus on other things work current events arts and my friends in fact i got an e mail from a college friend who is pregnant with her first due in 3 months and i think she mentioned something baby related 5 times in a 6 sentence e mail i on the other hand didn t even tell her i m pregnant i know i don t get any brownie points for that but i feel like i want to retain who i am as person first mommy second i m enjoying shopping for non baby related items right now i can have a conversation about movies that are playing books i m reading not just baby books and i feel like an adult who doesn t just talk strollers and car seats and public schools except to debate my city zoning laws and what they ve done to gentrify the schools in my neighborhood after all our country is fighting foreign wars and all my easily pregnant friends can talk about are what color to decorate in to provide a more relaxing environment and how all they have energy for in terms of household chores is laundry i m sure if i have this baby my brain will slightly turn to mush too and i too will become focused on what s best for my baby and how to nurture and educate to the best of my abilities but until that time i m going to enjoy myself the way i m used to and continue to spend my weekends catching up on movies instead of going from baby store to baby store to test out strollers there s a time and place for everything posted by ella 2 32 pm 7 comments friday december 22 2006 breathing a bit easier my 13 weeks appoint went well everything looks good there s a baby swimming around in there with what appears on screen to be a nice heartbeat i m ecstatic i cannot believe i ve made it this far the ob said everything looked normal and i started balling i think she wasn t expecting someone to cry over good news but that s just the way i am she turned to b and said is she going to cry until i actually hand her this baby and b said yeah pretty much but that s ok i m a crier that s how i deal with things my next appointment is next friday to check cervical length and perhaps do an early anatomy i m starting to think maybe this is for real which is very exciting posted by ella 8 59 am 5 comments wednesday december 20 2006 13 weeks my apologies to all that i haven t posted in ages it s been a busy few weeks i ve been swamped at work always a good excuse mostly i have been too nervous to post any information for fear that the second i say it out loud or in writing this pregnancy will be taken away from me also i know i have a few real friends who ve been reading along and sharing in my ups and downs and i found out that apparently more real friends than i thought have been reading my blog so i needed to take time off because i wasn t officially ready to share the news plus i wanted to be the one to sort of announce this myself in my own way when i was good and ready i ve officially hit 13 weeks as of yesterday of course that only means i m 13 weeks in terms of counting from my lmp i haven t been to the ob for a check up since 11w3d but i go back tomorrow so in my mind i can t count myself 13 weeks until someone or something ultrasound confirms that please please let everything be ok in there my last appointment was at 11w3d and was my nuchal translucency all went well they didn t give me the specific results the you have 1 out of x chances results but the ultrasound dr said things looked good to her so far the little beaner was swimming around in there and at one point his her hand was above the head as if he she were waving hi to us it was pretty cute my ob s office said the results were normal so i m guessing this means no need for further testing via cvs or amnio i m sure she ll go over the results with me in more detail tomorrow also i realized i had been counting from 2 weeks post iui but not from the first date of my lmp so they changed my records and moved up my due date by 2 days to june 24 it makes no difference except i was measuring exactly 11w 5d at my nuchal which is where i should be if you count from my period and not my iui not that 2 days matter much in the grand scheme it just makes no sense to me to measure from the date of my lmp if i know exactly when i ovulated and had my iui and a week s worth of amazing sex the mfm group who did my nuchal said i can go back at 14 weeks to them for an initial anatomy and that they d follow up at 17 and 20 weeks to check placenta and cervical measurement the ultrasound dr said my placenta did lie low a little on the ultrasound but there s plenty of time for it to move so i shouldn t worry she also disagreed with my ob and she thinks all of my procedures do put me at higher risk for incompetent cervix but that s why she wants to monitor it in conjunction with my ob and do cervical measurements more frequently i still feel good physically and i guess i just got lucky with my lack of symptoms except for lower back pain on one side which i guess could be sciatica i feel good i ve never had sciatica before but my self diagnosis tell me that s what this is i m definitely showing i had a big belly to begin with but now the upper portion of my belly has popped hopefully that s a good sign and that means growth is happening in there on a regular basis what makes me nervous is that i just don t feel pregnant at all and i still feel like i m infertile it s hard to accept that this is real and i ll probably feel this was all the way through the 37 40 week pregnancy if i m lucky enough to make it that far it s so hard with ashermans getting pregnant is only half the battle staying pregnant seems to be so tough and i get so upset when i read of people losing their pregnancies at 18 20 22 weeks etc i m obviously upset for them but also really scared for myself and this has been pretty common with asherman s lately i m on an asherman s support group and there s been so much bad news lately of losses of course it s heavily balanced with good news of pregnancies and healthy baby deliveries but i m a glass is half empty gal so it s hard not to focus on that i have no reason to think anything will go wrong with me i m just paranoid and given all i ve been through i can t stop being a complete stress case so that s the latest and greatest for the real friends i guess i m officially outed my secret is no longer a secret for the blog friends i thank you for your continued support for the emails and comments checking in on me and for being a dedicated bunch of folks who keep me sane throughout all of this i m still scared to share the info with real people i know in my life but i guess anything can happen at any time so i might as well come clean i ll try to update following my ob appointment tomorrow morning it feels good to be back in blogland posted by ella 3 42 pm 6 comments wednesday november 15 2006 graduation graduation always makes me think of one of my favorite buffy episode yes i m a big buffy fan and therefor a total geek yesterday i reached 8 weeks and graduated from my re s office i m officially discharged i have my diploma and i ve been kicked out i went in and the little one was measuring 17 44 mm or 8w1d so i was psyched and relieved the heartbeat was nice and strong 155 beats however my blood work was a bit disappointing my progesterone dropped back to 18 and my beta s were just under 200 000 but i guess at this point ultrasounds are a better indicator than betas right so i m free i have an appointment to see my ob next tuesday at which point i ll be 9 weeks my big issue now is that we just learned our insurance is changing we currently have oxford and oxford has been bought out by united health care and my ob doesn t take united unless you re an employee at the hospital se is affiliated with ugh so after my appointment with her next week i will need to find a new ob one that is familiar with ashermans syndrome it s so frustrating i feel like i have to start from scratch i know it s not the worst thing plenty of people out there don t even have health insurance but i m just so annoyed i really like my ob but can t afford to pay for her out of pocket it seems silly when i m sure there are many qualified ob s out there 8 weeks feels like a bit of milestone i still don t feel i m out of the clear although i was told by a very smart pharmacy student friend that if you hear a strong heartbeat at 8 weeks your cances of miscarriage drop down to 1 she pointed out that now i have a 99 chance of things worknig out right those are some pretty fine sounding odds but i m still nervous my previous pregnancy ended at 11 5 weeks although i lost it way before that i had gone in at 7 weeks and everything was ok too soon to hear the heartbeat but we saw the flutter of one and then by 11 5 weeks it was gone i was only measuring 7 weeks then so i must ve lost it shortly after that 7 week appointment and b c i was naïve and normal and not being monitored carefully i was only being seen by my ob once month so it took that long to figure things out grrr i m feeling fine still asymptomiatic and people keep tellnig me to enjoy that that it s better than constantly throwing up if i make it to 36 weeks i ll be the first to say i had it easy and i ll feel like i deserve an easy pregnancy after what i ve been thorugh but somehow right now i can t seem grateful i would rather be sick tired hungry pissy you name it at this point i can handle anything and i d rather be tested physcially so at least i know something is happening my boobs are a bit bigger or so b keeps telling me but that s really the only indicator that i m pregnant i m still spotting but have been reassured that it s nothing to be concerned about as long as it stays brown in color we ve told a few friends and our parents now know it does feel good to have confidants and you need people around you for support in case something goes wrong but it is getting harder and harder to keep this a secret from friends i feel bad outwardly lying so we ve stuck with the we re taking some time off from it all line yesterday i was iming with a friend who is about 7 months pregnant and that was the story i gave her that we are too busy with work right now to deal with doctor s appointments so we re taking time off from the fertility stuff she was well intentioned and asked if we had any travel palns coming up we are big travelers and in theory like to take vacations and see new places so i told her italy was on our list we ve both been but never together and she said something to the tune of oh with the baby coming who knows when and if we ll ever be abel to take a vacation again oh cry me a river boo hoo for you i know she didn t mean to be insensitive but i snapped at her on im i said i would happily trade every vacation i could ever take in my lifetime fro the chance to have a healthy baby to bring into this world and she back pedalled a bit and said of course she understood that i m sure she didn t mean to whine to me that her vacation days are over with a new baby coming i m just so sick of people s attidues sometimes they think we lead this exciting life of 2 adults no kids which means we can have sex on the kitchen floor borrowed line from when harry met sally and we can fly off to rome on a moment s notice i only wish fertility treatments both time involved and money involved really put a hinderance in the travel plans for us ifers i shouldnt complain too much because b and i have been fortunate enough to do a lot of traveling in our 3 years of marriage and we re glad to have had those oportunities but i m sick of pregnant friends complaining to me about their pregnancies and the fact that with a baby coming their life is going to change i know so many people myself included who would trade up anything in this world to be in their shoes and even though i m pregnant i still don t feel like one of the pregnant people not one of those people i feel more like an ifer i would never complain to somoene about the things i will no lnoger be able to do should i be lucky enough to see this pregnncy thruogh i just can t understand how people epsecially friends who know what we ve been through can be so insensitive posted by ella 2 46 pm 11 comments wednesday november 08 2006 had a small scare all s ok two nights ago i had a small scare actually saying that it s small is an understatement for me every little thing feels huge right now and gives me reason to panic monday night i noticed brown spotting when i wiped both on my panties and on the paper i freaked out i know on a subconscious level that spotting in pregnancy especially early pregnancy is normal but when it happens to you it s almost impossible not to assume the worst plus when i had miscarried it started with a little bit of brown spotting which disappeared after a few days i never bled again and when there was no heartbeat there was no bleeding to accompany that so i got upset but decided to wait it out until the morning when i woke up yesterday morning there was still spotting and it had turned a darker brown color more panic and tears set in i called the re s office and thy told me that it s probably nothing so i went to work by lunchtime i couldn t stand the worry anymore so i called the re and begged to come in for a scan log story short everything with the pregnancy looks ok and little j...
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