Meta tags:
description= beyond the hills - ritual violence and becoming wild again;
Headings (most frequently used words):
the, again, you, get, beyond, hills, year, retrospective, part, on, it, porn, ritual, violence, and, becoming, wild, trying, scene, begin, what, everyone, gets, lifetime, finding, where, can, unexpected, tools, of, masochism, kissing, funny, things, people, say, in, for, me, valuable, conversation, bookmarks, email, subscription, archives, meta,
Text of the page (most frequently used words):
the (370), and (358), that (128), was (116), but (82), not (81), with (73), have (64), they (63), new (62), for (61), opens (60), window (60), had (54), she (54), when (51), this (47), like (47), share (44), her (43), are (43), what (43), just (42), you (42), about (39), there (37), more (36), from (34), some (34), because (33), can (33), #people (32), into (31), really (31), other (30), all (29), who (28), one (27), sex (26), them (25), out (25), been (25), way (25), email (24), still (24), then (24), were (24), myself (23), someone (23), think (22), now (21), get (21), print (20), _________ (20), facebook (20), reddit (20), don (19), know (19), never (18), time (18), very (18), around (18), down (18), even (18), where (18), body (17), only (17), has (17), how (17), things (17), years (17), again (16), wanted (16), did (16), which (16), old (16), pain (15), something (15), their (15), kind (15), will (15), scene (15), friend (14), two (14), ass (14), could (14), being (14), fat (14), bdsm (13), cock (13), see (13), would (13), almost (13), long (13), submission (12), come (12), through (12), also (12), over (12), year (12), good (12), first (12), couple (12), each (12), part (12), started (12), our (12), kissing (12), going (12), loading (11), 2009 (11), your (11), before (11), want (11), play (11), porn (11), experience (11), comments (10), beyond (10), dominance (10), link (10), his (10), until (10), orgasm (10), little (10), fucking (10), remember (10), say (10), much (10), pretty (10), got (10), hills (9), 2010 (9), kink (9), while (9), let (9), back (9), feel (9), take (9), trying (9), took (9), face (9), day (9), hot (9), fantasies (9), person (9), everyone (9), live (9), tell (9), maybe (8), male (8), though (8), against (8), off (8), fuck (8), ring (8), same (8), every (8), another (8), knew (8), those (8), find (8), else (8), always (8), lot (8), own (8), firm (8), life (8), having (8), writing (8), september (7), outside (7), between (7), thought (7), half (7), course (7), found (7), after (7), without (7), process (7), naked (7), three (7), getting (7), thing (7), tags (7), idea (7), haven (7), actually (7), feeling (7), seems (7), read (7), breasts (7), boobs (7), than (7), women (7), high (7), parts (7), real (7), man (7), sexual (7), does (7), sexuality (7), gender (7), desires (7), well (7), comment (6), july (6), 2014 (6), posts (6), bedroom (6), shit (6), hard (6), fucked (6), chastity (6), absolutely (6), ever (6), enjoy (6), saw (6), except (6), done (6), able (6), used (6), didn (6), why (6), talking (6), femdom (6), experienced (6), thinking (6), vagina (6), okay (6), often (6), finally (6), culture (6), ones (6), means (6), him (6), basically (6), said (6), enough (6), hurt (6), dark (6), bema (6), doing (6), wasn (6), public (6), community (6), blog (6), sometimes (6), may (5), submissive (5), mostly (5), straight (5), mouth (5), small (5), herself (5), cunt (5), nearly (5), head (5), blood (5), gone (5), pleasure (5), look (5), above (5), completely (5), ready (5), hands (5), bad (5), reading (5), pussy (5), usually (5), juices (5), grow (5), weird (5), bras (5), carry (5), doesn (5), spare (5), energy (5), went (5), feels (5), ways (5), six (5), leave (5), least (5), self (5), seem (5), growing (5), away (5), different (5), met (5), longer (5), since (5), emotional (5), mother (5), here (5), positive (5), content (4), 2008 (4), december (4), consent (4), curious (4), came (4), exactly (4), next (4), bit (4), arms (4), told (4), inside (4), began (4), anything (4), fingers (4), wet (4), lips (4), table (4), denial (4), once (4), quickly (4), right (4), place (4), give (4), better (4), most (4), sadist (4), coming (4), times (4), sure (4), valuable (4), utterly (4), sadism (4), confused (4), played (4), especially (4), early (4), written (4), huge (4), happen (4), both (4), beautiful (4), wonder (4), similar (4), child (4), perfectly (4), living (4), changed (4), full (4), big (4), female (4), reality (4), super (4), last (4), few (4), such (4), dominant (4), woman (4), partner (4), present (4), should (4), children (4), boyfriend (4), skin (4), these (4), masochism (4), hair (4), darkness (4), wild (4), talk (4), ideas (4), monsters (4), show (4), monster (4), later (4), might (4), become (4), wrong (4), instead (4), broken (4), open (4), eight (4), four (4), pants (4), vulva (4), discussion (4), local (4), mandom (4), switch (4), partners (4), playing (4), context (4), needs (4), violence (4), log (3), sign (3), subscribe (3), january (3), april (3), edge (3), vanilla (3), bitchy (3), fire (3), bondage (3), conversation (3), group (3), taking (3), straining (3), owner (3), hand (3), hips (3), deep (3), wanting (3), penis (3), occasionally (3), grew (3), too (3), hour (3), kept (3), liked (3), thighs (3), end (3), less (3), flesh (3), laughed (3), gently (3), becoming (3), clear (3), far (3), leaving (3), make (3), tears (3), moment (3), watch (3), enjoyed (3), abused (3), control (3), given (3), game (3), close (3), consequences (3), die (3), cutting (3), guess (3), saying (3), level (3), satiny (3), silky (3), strike (3), top (3), case (3), giving (3), shape (3), vulnerable (3), takes (3), realize (3), human (3), seven (3), considered (3), world (3), stretchy (3), word (3), strong (3), erotic (3), gets (3), wore (3), begin (3), regular (3), aesthetic (3), put (3), adult (3), normal (3), including (3), perspective (3), stare (3), arm (3), nature (3), soft (3), ten (3), identity (3), skimming (3), power (3), many (3), despite (3), triad (3), left (3), passionate (3), learn (3), state (3), incredibly (3), expression (3), physically (3), seriously (3), civilization (3), french (3), cultural (3), during (3), desire (3), try (3), called (3), together (3), remembering (3), draw (3), lines (3), easy (3), figure (3), carrot (3), awesome (3), any (3), understand (3), lens (3), point (3), role (3), ourselves (3), isn (3), hurting (3), felt (3), involved (3), experiences (3), perceptions (3), definitely (3), mine (3), months (3), beneath (3), yes (3), asks (3), kiss (3), choose (3), father (3), enjoying (3), entire (3), general (3), men (3), room (3), best (3), fantasy (3), teacher (3), quite (3), front (3), rope (3), attitude (3), needed (3), relationship (3), based (3), great (3), city (3), safe (3), national (3), fun (3), expressing (3), various (3), genders (3), masculinity (3), spend (3), deal (3), website (2), name (2), required (2), write (2), manage (2), subscribed (2), already (2), wordpress (2), com (2), account (2), join (2), subscribers (2), under (2), creative (2), feed (2), entries (2), october (2), november (2), june (2), august (2), 2011 (2), 2012 (2), month (2), archives (2), address (2), maimed (2), delilah (2), difference (2), older (2), player (2), tongue (2), won (2), weeping (2), silly (2), drink (2), light (2), lifted (2), mindless (2), need (2), moving (2), desperately (2), wrapping (2), genitals (2), cried (2), badly (2), moaned (2), misery (2), smile (2), sensitive (2), behind (2), lip (2), remove (2), beside (2), bed (2), pulled (2), brought (2), testicles (2), madly (2), meant (2), eyes (2), hardly (2), machine (2), inches (2), watched (2), punched (2), angle (2), hadn (2), accident (2), loved (2), gasped (2), torment (2), held (2), looking (2), amusement (2), exhausted (2), legs (2), access (2), simply (2), uncomfortable (2), blow (2), cry (2), licked (2), places (2), biting (2), please (2), making (2), erection (2), painful (2), knees (2), spread (2), balls (2), painfully (2), ankles (2), fight (2), paper (2), watching (2), chest (2), burst (2), stopped (2), whatever (2), source (2), turned (2), torture (2), appreciate (2), wrists (2), circumstances (2), events (2), tried (2), planet (2), object (2), wrote (2), matter (2), slave (2), character (2), sorry (2), exasperated (2), throes (2), stories (2), constantly (2), texture (2), nothing (2), indeed (2), endlessly (2), masturbating (2), changing (2), realistic (2), expectation (2), sad (2), short (2), frustrating (2), adjusting (2), inch (2), grossed (2), degree (2), ends (2), true (2), designed (2), mileage (2), vary (2), reference (2), sounds (2), describing (2), vaginal (2), dead (2), slick (2), reason (2), image (2), surprised (2), perfect (2), bra (2), breast (2), nipples (2), shirt (2), looks (2), sports (2), radically (2), namely (2), lay (2), taught (2), binding (2), fact (2), type (2), picture (2), anatomically (2), terms (2), tensed (2), asses (2), leg (2), malleable (2), elastic (2), ounce (2), probably (2), death (2), besides (2), skeletons (2), fit (2), calories (2), biological (2), run (2), concentration (2), insane (2), american (2), decades (2), pronoun (2), highlighted (2), supposed (2), use (2), dynamic (2), beating (2), scenes (2), flow (2), remotely (2), wow (2), concept (2), bold (2), assertive (2), made (2), blew (2), generally (2), claiming (2), intimate (2), locked (2), practice (2), diseases (2), crossing (2), trust (2), tie (2), telling (2), evolved (2), food (2), convince (2), devastated (2), common (2), mean (2), fine (2), pleased (2), across (2), sharp (2), white (2), screw (2), bolt (2), nice (2), impact (2), fir (2), bough (2), satisfying (2), bruises (2), couldn (2), suddenly (2), rest (2), limp (2), screamer (2), anyway (2), rip (2), decided (2), call (2), girl (2), waxing (2), trickster (2), none (2), anybody (2), contemplate (2), strange (2), perceive (2), free (2), lover (2), tricksters (2), crossers (2), cultures (2), accepting (2), ago (2), stuff (2), dysfunctional (2), cool (2), today (2), lying (2), acknowledge (2), certain (2), its (2), rocks (2), happy (2), finding (2), shame (2), sets (2), twenty (2), intelligent (2), contracts (2), twisted (2), release (2), bewildered (2), staring (2), trace (2), masochist (2), sexually (2), says (2), cursing (2), pull (2), underwear (2), toilet (2), bound (2), labia (2), book (2), page (2), internet (2), tiny (2), ask (2), physical (2), five (2), sadistic (2), principal (2), work (2), boys (2), yank (2), anyone (2), beliefs (2), internal (2), uncensored (2), intentional (2), remembered (2), angst (2), toward (2), angsting (2), starting (2), integrity (2), personal (2), growth (2), crisis (2), skeevy (2), within (2), pansexual (2), catcalled (2), presenting (2), extraordinary (2), chill (2), protocol (2), sub (2), standard (2), femsub (2), heavy (2), heavily (2), meet (2), groups (2), event (2), respectful (2), participating (2), conservative (2), dungeons (2), legally (2), love (2), large (2), retrospect (2), fortunate (2), relationships (2), ended (2), along (2), expect (2), mansub (2), disappointing (2), fear (2), young (2), non (2), tired (2), status (2), quo (2), reasons (2), otherwise (2), hey (2), maleness (2), attracted (2), entirely (2), androgynous (2), marrying (2), classify (2), start (2), changes (2), retrospective (2), imprisoned (2), sense (2), ego (2), womanhood (2), masculine (2), pronouns (2), bodied (2), femininity (2), wearing (2), ironic (2), strapping (2), warrior (2), transman (2), daydreamed (2), resent (2), stumped (2), galaxy (2), ritual (2), collapse, bar, subscriptions, view, site, reader, report, privacy, licensed, commons, attribution, noncommercial, unported, license, ranat, original, create, meta, february, march, select, enter, receive, notifications, subscription, unspeakable, axe, topologies, pervocracy, subversive, geek, harmed, art, letters, gehenna, exile, domme, chronicles, denying, thumper, chasing, eros, jones, diary, advice, wood, bookmarks, kay, queen, firequeenxxx, kofi, justin, hines, harriet, clarke, abuse, basics, beginners, jack, wilson, gilby, gilboy, nervous, embarrassed, realized, drought, salty, bitter, serviced, business, associates, pre, cum, gits, angry, monotony, overwhelmed, returned, expensive, satisfactory, performance, amused, wounds, terror, lust, bucked, pressed, sore, nipple, barely, restrained, knocking, jamming, convulsing, poor, bruised, til, strap, pleasured, breath, hitched, shoulders, lurched, carefully, sank, excruciatingly, pounding, trapped, groaned, whimpered, fill, stretched, explode, sweating, trembling, stared, uncomprehendingly, straddled, holding, rubbed, remote, gripping, sheets, whined, flaccid, bobbed, weakly, metal, chance, milked, semen, crazed, dripping, stayed, hooked, wickedly, curved, phallus, diameter, hydraulic, piston, bruising, mess, ruined, lest, sole, purpose, bucking, moaning, arrowing, anus, eased, retreating, progressions, retreats, imagined, breathing, pushed, dildo, strapped, easier, smiled, gave, job, sent, ecstasy, endure, sucked, shaft, partial, harder, softly, prop, leaned, flinched, groaning, tightened, constricting, slid, devastatingly, uninvolved, occasional, recipient, blows, vicious, pinching, near, panic, swell, confines, untied, coils, embossed, inclined, bleed, deliberately, wicked, knife, cut, stung, hazily, trickle, mesmerizing, bear, removed, current, gasping, struggling, recollect, threshold, sticky, smear, gibbering, maiming, suspected, feverishly, exerted, effort, mark, mode, partly, strung, intense, sensations, inflicting, lent, amenities, grand, gala, roughly, callously, ruthlessly, trained, sake, profoundly, pissed, lost, droughts, players, frantically, determine, highest, bidder, thoroughly, lonely, weary, particularly, obeyed, instructions, disobeying, hole, fate, nor, precisely, bids, higher, sort, grim, memoir, esque, resigned, factness, demonstrated, main, urge, edit, trope, ish, unrealistic, descriptively, redundant, cross, posted, god, embarrassment, htporn, uncommon, whore, tease, pegging, multiple, penetration, giggly, characters, repetitively, names, accurate, fascinated, whodathunkit, erect, accommodate, invaded, hilt, personally, jar, bones, thrusting, cervix, hammer, average, toy, whoever, penetrated, stretching, thirty, mile, speeds, either, intimidated, vaginas, rectums, finite, rectum, arguably, continuum, length, girth, prefer, simple, onomatopoeia, humiliating, creep, humiliation, lubrication, meat, butchered, roasting, slowly, oven, cannot, handle, turkey, bothers, repeated, romance, novels, shtick, encouraging, alternative, double, stereotype, lack, creativity, bodies, handful, ride, lower, sag, feeding, bizarre, abrupt, shelf, sticking, clavicles, effect, mcdonald, pen, simulate, secondary, characteristics, retarded, donning, encased, looked, shucked, naturally, affected, gravity, flatten, slide, pits, hideous, horrible, shameful, avoided, costs, natural, blame, thinks, pert, proud, imagine, honestly, keep, reminding, throws, forcing, hemispherical, cheeks, possible, globes, subject, confusing, interpretation, squeezing, ripe, mango, muscle, deltoids, bicep, walk, stress, butt, causes, sorts, problems, allure, squeezable, smacked, deities, forbid, jiggles, leads, entered, stages, starvation, aesthetically, bellies, emaciated, thin, framed, reasonably, cleanse, 600, belly, jiggle, necessity, trim, athletic, seen, equivalent, humans, delicious, brains, blink, camp, victim, miss, backstory, keeps, worse, anti, diet, mentality, north, wall, goes, list, stock, phrases, obligated, win, example, rather, terribly, poorly, developed, supernatural, fascinating, brilliant, asked, stood, himself, refused, terrified, brave, lately, polyandrous, saggy, ouce, cocks, funny, aggression, possessing, powerful, orifice, options, breathe, suicidal, agriculturalist, pastoralist, population, centers, survived, gnarly, species, barriers, faster, communicable, stick, others, mouths, tongues, kinky, scarves, blindfold, crazy, whip, theory, indigestion, paranoia, associating, consider, vengeful, affection, shared, mothers, babies, premasticating, laying, evidence, lesbian, acquired, taste, eventually, likes, odd, throat, teasing, hairs, pressing, peaceful, reall, threads, scraped, palms, plowed, field, makeshift, flogger, unbalanced, careful, whippy, sting, trimmed, dehydrated, wrinkly, heft, hold, skinny, hit, bruise, sport, dozen, laughing, explaining, housemates, teased, pervertables, unexpected, tools, evolving, honored, unfortunately, unfazed, knowing, reaction, sensation, yesss, putting, gunk, spa, night, facials, masks, initial, repulsion, mundane, coyote, gunnerkrigg, court, argument, special, deeper, random, nonlinear, driftings, core, boundaries, normality, alienation, study, relation, step, divorced, infinitely, judgment, railing, taboo, commercialized, caricatured, resonated, hip, trouble, dangerous, tests, tolerance, caning, fronts, letting, bite, stream, restrict, whisper, easily, kill, makes, liberated, admitting, delving, psyche, animal, fierce, stupor, engaging, suppressed, seeped, joined, mutated, contraries, backwards, opposite, expected, hunter, gatherer, primitive, peoples, sacred, boundary, mixers, plays, worldview, yet, accounting, fewer, reminds, cherishing, rooted, legacy, ness, tipped, silent, majority, roles, brainwash, teach, reflections, edges, phases, continuing, question, tumbling, unfinished, seeps, consciousness, floats, sensed, independent, research, examining, became, specifically, react, differ, subculture, unreal, interacting, partially, squashing, desperate, enduring, fair, action, listen, gaspy, faces, contrary, wounded, mirrors, travesties, destruction, ours, conquer, assimilation, genocide, myriad, flavors, humanity, drowning, loathing, seed, scattered, germinates, roots, twistedness, broke, turning, inevitable, journey, trees, speak, raccoons, mysteries, alive, birth, killing, explanation, whipping, tied, themselves, resort, overload, senses, wracks, seizure, snapping, spine, everything, truly, myth, shortly, toddler, initiate, underneath, couch, fist, promised, stolen, romantic, hurts, ceiling, boards, interlock, convinced, savagery, confess, decide, country, seventeen, series, discussions, confident, slut, allowing, healthy, connection, bemused, arguments, jump, bathroom, sit, wipe, pearly, mass, disgusting, wires, crossed, washcloth, scrub, red, stickiness, panting, cure, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, fantasizing, sobbing, screaming, sickens, reach, flick, finger, controlling, hers, evil, whole, forgive, mirrored, parents, reached, webpage, screen, snowy, surface, shackles, heels, feet, points, hidden, stares, viewer, defiant, invitation, days, adn, pictures, thumbnails, chains, sized, photographs, adults, notebook, ignore, discipline, slavery, silence, heating, chaperone, leans, fasten, whispers, basement, church, eating, pizza, crafts, declare, perennial, enemy, dismissed, social, gathering, imagining, weaving, form, fiance, helpless, giant, peanut, butter, sandwich, kneels, ______, hears, pulls, aside, plainly, hastily, activity, playtime, concoct, earliest, empty, chair, discuss, debate, elements, suit, imaginations, agree, egg, vacuum, cleaner, office, afraid, showing, gives, puzzle, classroom, carpet, boy, blonde, curls, tells, theirs, grip, waistbands, count, gape, giggle, demand, reciprocate, proudly, joyfully, correct, dolls, sewn, touches, twiddling, jumbled, memory, tattletale, bouncing, car, seat, drives, slices, shuts, bridge, bastions, playground, fort, push, classmates, digging, longhand, somewhere, dusty, box, memories, lifetime, uncategorized, irreconcilable, aren, issues, lacks, continue, visibility, help, blogs, crucial, saga, acceptance, appalled, vulnerability, displayed, brutal, innocent, honesty, fears, judgments, spew, staying, feedback, encouragement, blogosphere, rocky, metamorphosis, initiation, serious, salvageable, spurred, trend, fresh, neat, orderly, censored, flaws, confusions, argued, continuity, record, evolution, reflect, archive, sara, eileen, caught, attendant, spurts, joys, matured, known, critique, past, break, theme, laugh, judging, aspect, comeons, evaluating, relativism, previous, improvement, publically, treated, strangers, noise, background, reminded, somewhat, guy, horror, cringing, protocols, acted, dominants, grab, doormat, bottom, respect, single, thus, certainly, mandoms, weren, pushy, prevails, identifying, marginalized, fifty, percent, swear, encountered, subtle, inner, switchness, puzzling, hilarious, pickup, jiu, jitsu, munches, runs, weekly, vetting, spotty, knows, safeguard, dungeon, etiquette, works, presenter, proving, vetted, second, currently, smaller, progressive, region, laws, boxers, beat, crap, beaten, leisure, private, parties, offer, legal, protections, playspace, equipment, safeguards, attend, tha, lasted, couples, insider, sexy, extra, mix, slightly, younger, connecting, friends, dom, rungs, generation, scheme, spectrum, perhaps, flavor, thrown, reactive, playful, fantastic, metropolitan, area, extremely, megalopolis, benefits, week, minimum, dedicated, fetishista, style, instinctive, sentiments, intentioned, highly
Text of the page (random words):
stead there are private public parties which offer more legal protections this means less access to a large playspace and equipment but you can have sex there and there are some safeguards in place in terms of who can attend while this sounds like a good idea the vetting process is pretty spotty so who knows what it actually does to safeguard anyone also it s a huge pain in the ass if you ve been a part of the scene before and you know you re a safe and respectful player and you know how dungeon etiquette works but don t happen to be a national presenter or something so you have to go about proving it all over again before you can get vetted for each event i ve now got a couple of regular play partners who i really enjoy and do some pickup play here and there i also really enjoy the discussion groups and the local jiu jitsu for kink group which is basically the only event besides one of the munches that runs weekly the general bdsm aesthetic of being all dark and shit prevails in both the scenes they re both mandom femsub heavy but in the six years since i started in the scene and now identifying as a switch seems to have gone from still being pretty heavily marginalized to being at least fifty percent of the people i meet and in some ways almost more of a standard than the mandom femsub dynamic i have even i swear encountered a subtle attitude that if you don t switch you basically just haven t found your inner switchness which is puzzling and hilarious the local scene i m in now is in general more chill there is absolutely no expectation of public high protocol when i see people with relationship protocols acted in public it is also chill dominants do not just go grab anybody they want and i m submissive not a doormat and i m a bottom not a sub respect it seem to be standard i haven t had a single skeevy mandom come on thus far i ve certainly had a couple mandoms feel me out who maybe didn t quite get that i wasn t a switch just because they see me tie myself up in public so often but they weren t pushy as i read the last couple of lines i m reminded of a pansexual discussion group i went do where in the course of a discussion i brought up that in this city i d only been catcalled once i was presenting it as a somewhat extraordinary and positive thing and there was this guy who laughed in horror and said i m sorry i m just cringing inside that it s the state of the culture that it s a positive experience that you were only catcalled once he saw it and i didn t because being publically treated as a sexual object by strangers had become a part of my background reality white noise remembering that i kind of laugh at myself for judging it a positive aspect of my experience in the local scene that i have not had any skeevy mandom comeons basically evaluating something as positive based not on all the great things that happen but on the bad things that don t within the relativism of my previous experience it s an improvement i ve got a lot more to write about what i ve experienced in the past year but i m going to try to break it up by theme share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on _________ opens in new window _________ more email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading 3 comments from bdsm kink community bdsm kink critique begin again july 21 2014 i haven t known what to do with this blog for a long time i got really caught up in my relationship with my partner and its attendant growth spurts joys and crisis and well living which was exactly what i needed i matured and grew and then life blew up i m still growing and i still have things to say but i wasn t sure i wanted to say them here part of me just wanted to take this down strike it from the internet archive like sara eileen did i ve thought about starting over with a new blog something fresh neat orderly censored of my flaws and confusions another part argued about the integrity of continuity of accepting the record of my personal evolution even though the early posts of this blog no longer reflect my present then i started reading through my old posts to see what was salvageable because i knew at least some of what i had written and the discussion it had spurred was valuable when i thought of this blog i remembered 80 angst and while there is a certain trend toward angsting what i found was very different from what i remembered i began this blog from before my very first intentional orgasm all the way through my sexual initiation and into my first serious relationship i am appalled and devastated to the point of tears at the vulnerability i displayed here at the brutal innocent almost uncensored honesty almost but not quite around my process my fears beliefs self judgments fantasies ideas i needed that i needed to spew it all out to get it out of me instead of staying locked inside to get feedback perspective ideas encouragement because the kink sex blogosphere of the time was the only community i had in which to begin a rocky metamorphosis a lot of my beliefs about the nature and source of my sexuality have changed since i began writing to the degree where they seem irreconcilable they aren t my attitude around the issues and lacks of the kink bdsm community has changed i think i m going to continue writing here because the visibility of that process might help someone else there were a couple of blogs that were crucial in my own internal saga of self acceptance that are no longer around so i want this to be around for someone else share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on _________ opens in new window _________ more email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading 5 comments from uncategorized you get what everyone gets you get a lifetime april 20 2012 tags growing up a sadist memories digging through my stuff finding some longhand writing from a couple years ago that might as well live somewhere outside of a dusty box i am three years old on the bridge between two bastions of the playground fort i push down the front of my pants to show my vulva to my classmates a jumbled memory maybe a teacher maybe a tattletale then bouncing in the back of a car my father cursing in the front seat as he drives me away i say something i don t remember and i don t remember what he slices back except that it shuts me up i am naked in the living room my fingers between my legs twiddling against my labia my mother gently it s okay to do that but do it in your room i am four years old i am two years old my mother with the anatomically correct dolls she has sewn for me this is a vagina and this is the vulva this is a penis and these are testicles these are breasts if anyone ever touches you vulva or your breasts always remember you can tell me anything even if they tell you not to you can tell me i am in a classroom on a carpet with two boys i am four years old a boy with blonde curls tells me that if i show them mine they will show me theirs we grip the elastic of our waistbands and count to three i yank down my pants their hands still in place the boys gape and giggle that i have actually done it i demand that they reciprocate bewildered that they have not and yank my pants down again proudly and joyfully the teacher i think i try to pull my pants up before she can see takes me away by the hand to the principal s office i am afraid but the principal does not ask about showing my vulva but asks how my day was and gives me a puzzle to work on i am four or five years old during playtime i and another girl concoct the earliest sadistic fantasy i can remember with the empty chair in front of us we discuss and debate elements that suit our children s imaginations there is a man we agree and rope an egg a vacuum cleaner the teacher hears us and quickly pulls me aside and asks what we are doing i think i tell her quite plainly and she hastily sets me to another activity there is social gathering in the living room i am imagining weaving the form of my mother s best friend s fiance into my dominant fantasy he is naked helpless vulnerable i am five or six years old there is a giant peanut butter sandwich involved i share this with my mother s best friend and she kneels down beside me and says gently ______ we don t talk about things like that in the basement of the church we are eating pizza and doing crafts we are all seven or eight years old at the table i declare to my perennial friend enemy who has just dismissed me i m going to kiss your little ass off there is dead silence none of the other children look at me they know i have done wrong my face is heating our chaperone leans down over me as i fasten my eyes on the table and whispers we don t say things like that i am eight years old and the adults ask me what i am doing in my notebook i am writing on my book i tell them they tell each other how creative i am and ignore me i do not tell them about the naked women and men the physical discipline the slavery i know they will not understand the internet has just reached the general public i am still eight years old i find a webpage with a full screen picture of a woman on her hands and knees on a snowy soft surface naked except for shackles on her wrists and ankles and heels on her feet the points of her nipples are just hidden by her arms as she stares at the viewer in defiant invitation i stare at her for a long time then quickly close the page i come back to stare at her for days adn i find more pictures tiny thumbnails of naked men in chains and i nearly cry when they never open to full sized photographs finally i open the page and call in my parents to tell them i have found a bad website i am ten years old and i have read my first book with a woman binding controlling and hurting a man and he is completely hers she is evil he is good she is broken and twisted by those who did the same to her he is whole and strong and has the power to forgive her because she only mirrored her own torment i am twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen years old lying in bed fantasizing about a man bound sobbing screaming in pain when i have exhausted myself my shame sickens me i reach down beneath my underwear flick a finger up my labia to see if i am wet of course i am cursing myself i jump up and run to the bathroom pull down my underwear sit on the toilet and wipe myself staring at the stretchy pearly slick mass on the toilet paper i think how disgusting i am broken my wires are crossed i wet a washcloth and scrub my genitals until they are red until every trace of stickiness is gone and i am panting i will cure myself i will never do it again i am in another country seventeen having one of a series of discussions with my friend who is open and confident about her identity as a submissive a masochist and a slut i am trying to convince her that enjoying pain and allowing a man to control her sexually is not normal or healthy i do not even remember my fantasies do not even make the connection except once almost when she says bemused by my arguments i ve had these desires my entire life i ve had fantasies like this since i was three staring at the ceiling i trace the way the boards interlock over and over i am twenty years old and i have just convinced myself that the emotional savagery of my father has made me a monster and that one day when i find a lover i will have to confess myself and let them decide if they still want me it is three months before and my boyfriend is confused and hurting that i will not let him kiss me you said my first kiss could be my way that i could choose when and how i told you you promised my way mine when i m ready not stolen in his own romantic moment he hurts and does not understand i wanted him underneath me on the couch his leg pulled up to his chest open to me my fist in his hair so you want to initiate every time he asks bewildered yes of course not it is shortly after i have decided i am a monster and i am masturbating for the first time since i was a toddler i may be broken and twisted but i will live with it i have to have some kind of release or i will die it is a year later and i have still not had an orgasm i resort to a machine and overload my senses the orgasm is painful in the way that does not feel good it wracks my body like a seizure my vagina contracts and contracts and when my head is no longer snapping back on my spine i lay there and contemplate how everything i was ever taught about sexuality is truly a myth a month before i am whipping someone for the first time while they are tied beneath me giving themselves to me so i can learn to be what i am and it is beautiful i am nearly twenty one years old and i am coming to the turning point of a long and inevitable journey into the nature of the world around me i have finally come to remember what i knew as a child that trees speak raccoons know mysteries i never will and rocks are just as alive and intelligent as i am and the culture of my birth is killing the planet and it seems so perfectly clear such an easy explanation for why i am the way i am civilization broke me but i have to live this way so i will live in a way that will make me happy but let this twistedness die with me six months later and i am drowning in shame and self loathing and a seed scattered by someone i have never met germinates and sets down roots what if i am not broken what if i am just a part of the myriad flavors of humanity what if my desires are not in fact mirrors of the travesties of this culture of destruction but instead the culture took the things that were mine that are ours and maimed them to be used in conquer assimilation genocide what if i am wounded but i am not wrong share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on _________ opens in new window _________ more email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading 3 comments from sad on finding it where you can get it january 11 2011 tags contrary masochism monsters sadism trickster waxing bema is not into pain they re into enduring but not in the sex way could definitely be hot in certain circumstances so my sadism is not getting its rocks off my masochism on the other hand is getting a fair bit of action bema is perfectly happy to give me pain that i enjoy and listen watch my gaspy faces pretty cool bema and i were skin on skin today and the way we were interacting it wasn t exactly d s but it was something similar enough to get me partially there bema was lying in my arms and i just wanted to hurt them i wanted it and i was able to acknowledge it without squashing it and acknowledge that it wasn t going to happen without feeling desperate and hurt bema sense...
|
