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description= 3 posts published by Michael in MI during July 2024;
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ad of stealing it had just stolen some parts from it like paneling or something on the body and again i was standing there in disbelief that someone would do this but then it seemed that maybe i was wrong as i put the top down as if this were a convertible top and what i thought was a missing part was just something i had opened and was not in its proper place reminds me of when i am looking at things in cad at work to try to find the entire vehicle and it first appears that something is missing but then i realize i just did not have everything in the vehicle turned on i have no idea what that dream was all about supposedly dreaming about your vehicle being stolen is your subconscious mind worrying about losing control of a part of your life i have been pretty stressed lately and lost in my mind thinking about so many things regarding life and admittedly not all those thoughts have been completely positive and optimistic so maybe that is at the root of the dream next my dreams went completely bonkers i ended up in a new dream i never had before i think there were a number of us friends family really not sure who we all were in a reasonably sized home or apartment and someone was inside with us who was a bad person and i think trying to kill us i remember this starting out with me feeling afraid as was everyone else but then for some reason i just pushed away the fear and said fuck it i m going headstrong screaming after this guy to find him and beat him into submission i am not letting him hurt my friends and family anymore or whoever everyone was in the house with me i remember running fast through the rooms of the house and bursting in and yelling i am going to find you come out i vaguely remember going after him with a wooden baseball bat i remember finding him and beating him with the baseball bat but then the bat broke and somehow he got away again and was either hiding or gone the last part of the dream was me searching for my aluminum bat as i thought let s see him try to survive getting beat with this i remember searching in a closet and finding someone hiding in the closet who was not the bad person but some adult with me who was afraid and hiding from him instead of trying to track him down i told him i was looking for the aluminum bat and we found it together and i left to go find the bad person to beat him with it and i don t remember anything after that as far as what any of that means i guess it all depends on who the bad man represents in the dream is the bad man another person in my life is the bad man a situation i am dealing with in life is the bad man an emotion i am trying to beat into submission is the bad man me i beat myself up all the time over things with which i am frustrated about myself i am currently beating myself up over my past and my regrets and people i may have hurt maybe this is my subconscious manifesting those thoughts into this dream i have been afraid for years to deal with my failures and regrets of the past 20 years and the last week has been day after day of reliving these nightmares during the day as i can t get out of my head and stop thinking about everything of course maybe that s it maybe in my dream i am tracking down the me that can t stop thinking about this stuff and it s driving me insane and i am trying to beat that portion of myself into submission so i can just move on it s a shame i never found out whether the aluminum bat would do the job july 25 2024 8 31pm posted by michael in mi life love relationships blog dreams life poem writing comments off on to sleep perchance to dream words i shouldn t say but you deserve to know alh 3333 aka amy b aka sillyamy i think it has been about 10 years since we were last in touch so that s why it hit so hard when i came across old letters and cards from you the other day letters and cards you sent to me in 1998 and 1999 birthday cards silly cards cards just to say hello because you were a kind sweet person who loved me and wanted me to know that and the letters i found one where you thanked me for sending you a gift of a star i had named for your daughter i remember i had meant to name the star amy s daughter s star but in german since you liked germany so much but i forgot when i submitted it so it was just named star of amy s daughter in english i think but you loved it anyway and i felt great that i could give you something as special as the friendship and love you had given me for even the short time we knew one another at that point i found another letter where you were getting ready to go to germany for an internship but you were setting up your cousin nichole with cards and letters for her to send to me while you were away you wanted to send her and me a letter or card for every week you were in germany you also had put together a mix tape for me of songs you said were special to you and special for us you told me to listen to the songs and i would be able to figure out why they meant so much to you and why some were about us i still have that tape saved in another box of mementos you were always so thoughtful and caring and sweet i even found old conversations we had on aol in 1998 that for some reason i had saved into a journal we talked about everything music movies life just normal everyday things we were doing family relationships we had sharing virtual hugs and kisses we talked about us quite a bit we had a conversation about your friends john and anne who were dating and it was affecting you as you had dated john and anne was your best friend so that was a little weird for you but then you told me that you had started seeing someone named jason who had driven an hour and a half just to spend the weekend with you i was seeing amber at the time but i was still jealous i tried to hide it by telling you i was happy you found a good guy to date then you apologized for talking about jason and admitted that you get jealous of amber when i talked about her with you i also found a conversation i had with john who came on to tell me you had been in a car accident december 24 1998 after he got through the details we got to talking about you and me as he said he wanted to tell me what happened because he knew how much i meant to you it hurt reading this line from him don t let go of her mike i did it once and now i ll never have her back little did i know then that years later i would make the same mistake as john by letting you go of course we also talked about my frustration of you not wanting to meet me and he told me that was just your trust issues but i should not give up on you that you were worth it i hope one day you ll get to see the old amy she s wonderful i hope one day you can meet her you aren t gonna want to leave her when you meet her all i can tell you is to stick with her i pushed her away when she was pushing me away and now we can t even talk sadly i would later come to know this feeling all too well gosh i can remember those conversations as if they were yesterday instead of 26 years ago i remember wanting to somehow be with you but since that couldn t happen since we were 2 states apart i dated amber and you dated guys in wisconsin meanwhile of course i always was thinking of you and wishing i was with you instead anticipation that was our thing to say to one another anticipation of one day being together in person i honestly don t know why i never just decided to get in my jeep and drive up to appleton and just call you when i got there and asked you to meet me finally i remember i always thought about doing that but i also was always worried that if i did that it would scare you away i didn t want to pressure you into meeting if you were uncomfortable doing so but i did always wonder if you wanted me to do that but just didn t want to ask i have always regretted not doing that and always will we had something special such a special bond an innocent bond one which i always wanted to know if it could have blossomed into something more alas reading everything again the letters the cards the conversations the memories of our years long long distance friendship all just came rushing back all the good all the bad and everything in between i remember the ping sound of aol when an im box popped up and how my heart skipped a beat when i saw it was from you alh 3333 i remember alh stood for amy louise hill because you had a major crush on duke star grant hill and 33 was his number i remember the same feeling through the years when i saw i had aol e mail from alh 3333 i remember keeping in touch with you after moving to michigan and starting my career after graduating purdue i remember coming home to messages from you on my answering machine just saying hello i remember talking to you on the phone in my apartment living room while i was in the middle of trying to put together my entertainment center i remember telling you how i loosened up more and you were right about kid rock and i liked his music now i remember staying up late on the phone with you and we didn t even have to talk to enjoy each other s company just knowing you were on the other end and i was there for you seemed to make us both content because of that i will forever think of you when i hear the allison kraus song when you say nothing at all that will forever hold a special place in my heart not to mention you turned me on to the groups rascal flatts and lonestar and the 3 doors down song here without you will forever remind me you these lyrics described almost all the years you were in and out of my life i m here without you baby but you re still on my lonely mind i think about you baby and i dream about you all the time i m here without you baby but you re still with me in my dreams everything i know and anywhere i go it gets hard but it won t take away my love that said i think other than allison kraus when you say nothing at all the band and songs that i will forever associate with you is creed i discovered creed that summer of 1998 when they came out with my own prison album i bought it and played that in my jeep constantly so many songs hit home for me and then after we met online and started writing letters and cards to one another you would put creed song lyrics in your letters and cards hello my friend we meet again it s been a while where should we begin feels like forever within my heart are memories of perfect love that you gave to me oh i remember that entire song s lyrics probably perfectly represent the feelings that washed over me whenever we reconnected after time apart i also remember our friendship was not always full of good times while we kept in contact from 1998 to sometime in 2013 we lost touch numerous times over that period and looking back i know much of that is my fault i remember being upset when you said you were planning more trips overseas which meant no chance for us to finally meet and be together at least for the length of that trip i should have been supportive and happy for you but i was just selfish and thinking of myself years later i remember feeling angry and upset hearing about how you were travelling more and visiting family and friends yet you never seemed open to either visiting me in michigan or chicago or me coming to visit you i remember feeling hurt that i did not seem to be a priority for you and that you just wanted to keep me at arm s length as basically a virtual pen pal i remember for a while you would sometimes call me up out of the blue when you had a bit of a long drive to make somewhere and decided to call me to talk with me during the trip i remember i initially enjoyed those calls but then grew to feel like i was just being used to pass the time quicker i remember a time after we reconnected and you asked me if i remembered those calls and i said i didn t as at the time i had forgotten about them you mentioned that you enjoyed those conversations and i sensed that you were a little hurt that i did not remember them basically signaling to you that i was not appreciating the little things about our friendship that meant something to you turns out that soon after i remembered why i had apparently tried to remove those from my memory because i started to associate them with hurt feelings i remember never wanting to get started into a deep topic because i knew at any moment you would arrive at your destination and you d have to hang up and you d not call me back later yeah that was just one small example of how our once cherished special friendship had started to sour through the years the last few years of on and off communication between us i remember were pretty heart wrenching for me i remember dating marie from december 2002 to july 2005 yet still thinking about you i remember not wanting to tell you i was dating her when you would get back in touch with me through those years because i still was holding out hope that one day you would want to finally get together and see about us and when that never happened i remember telling myself that i had to just let you go from my life as we were not doing each other any good pretending that we wanted to be together but never doing anything about it it was not until the presidential campaign of 2008 where we i think for the first time talked about anything political and i found out that you were a big supporter of barack obama since i at the time was a hardcore conservative voter this really threw me for a loop and i remember that i superficially and stupidly used that disconnect between us as an excuse to try to tell myself that i had to finally let you go however it of course was not that easy nothing ever seemed to be with us over the years later that year i ended up pouring my heart out to you in an e mail conversation telling you i felt i had been in love with you the 10 years we had been in contact and even through dating amber in college and heather and marie in michigan my heart was always telling me that you were my one and someday i would marry you but while i knew how i felt about you i also had no idea how we could make an actual relationship work still living so far apart of course that ended up not mattering as i think my confession of my feelings ended up scaring you and pushing you away from me once again i don t think we ever did have a true heart to heart talk about the feelings we each had for one another and that ended up being where we started to grow apart for good i think when i didn t hear you reciprocate my feelings i admitted i had for you i realized that if you were not sure after 10 years after all we had been through and shared together that you would likely never feel for me how i did for you and instead of appreciating that we could still have our long distance friendship as we always had i resented not being able to have more and used this to distance myself from you from us looking back while it turned out the right thing to do for our lives going forward the way i went about it all was very selfish and ...
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