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description= beyond the hills - ritual violence and becoming wild again;
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Text of the page (random words):
ur room i am four years old i am two years old my mother with the anatomically correct dolls she has sewn for me this is a vagina and this is the vulva this is a penis and these are testicles these are breasts if anyone ever touches you vulva or your breasts always remember you can tell me anything even if they tell you not to you can tell me i am in a classroom on a carpet with two boys i am four years old a boy with blonde curls tells me that if i show them mine they will show me theirs we grip the elastic of our waistbands and count to three i yank down my pants their hands still in place the boys gape and giggle that i have actually done it i demand that they reciprocate bewildered that they have not and yank my pants down again proudly and joyfully the teacher i think i try to pull my pants up before she can see takes me away by the hand to the principal s office i am afraid but the principal does not ask about showing my vulva but asks how my day was and gives me a puzzle to work on i am four or five years old during playtime i and another girl concoct the earliest sadistic fantasy i can remember with the empty chair in front of us we discuss and debate elements that suit our children s imaginations there is a man we agree and rope an egg a vacuum cleaner the teacher hears us and quickly pulls me aside and asks what we are doing i think i tell her quite plainly and she hastily sets me to another activity there is social gathering in the living room i am imagining weaving the form of my mother s best friend s fiance into my dominant fantasy he is naked helpless vulnerable i am five or six years old there is a giant peanut butter sandwich involved i share this with my mother s best friend and she kneels down beside me and says gently ______ we don t talk about things like that in the basement of the church we are eating pizza and doing crafts we are all seven or eight years old at the table i declare to my perennial friend enemy who has just dismissed me i m going to kiss your little ass off there is dead silence none of the other children look at me they know i have done wrong my face is heating our chaperone leans down over me as i fasten my eyes on the table and whispers we don t say things like that i am eight years old and the adults ask me what i am doing in my notebook i am writing on my book i tell them they tell each other how creative i am and ignore me i do not tell them about the naked women and men the physical discipline the slavery i know they will not understand the internet has just reached the general public i am still eight years old i find a webpage with a full screen picture of a woman on her hands and knees on a snowy soft surface naked except for shackles on her wrists and ankles and heels on her feet the points of her nipples are just hidden by her arms as she stares at the viewer in defiant invitation i stare at her for a long time then quickly close the page i come back to stare at her for days adn i find more pictures tiny thumbnails of naked men in chains and i nearly cry when they never open to full sized photographs finally i open the page and call in my parents to tell them i have found a bad website i am ten years old and i have read my first book with a woman binding controlling and hurting a man and he is completely hers she is evil he is good she is broken and twisted by those who did the same to her he is whole and strong and has the power to forgive her because she only mirrored her own torment i am twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen years old lying in bed fantasizing about a man bound sobbing screaming in pain when i have exhausted myself my shame sickens me i reach down beneath my underwear flick a finger up my labia to see if i am wet of course i am cursing myself i jump up and run to the bathroom pull down my underwear sit on the toilet and wipe myself staring at the stretchy pearly slick mass on the toilet paper i think how disgusting i am broken my wires are crossed i wet a washcloth and scrub my genitals until they are red until every trace of stickiness is gone and i am panting i will cure myself i will never do it again i am in another country seventeen having one of a series of discussions with my friend who is open and confident about her identity as a submissive a masochist and a slut i am trying to convince her that enjoying pain and allowing a man to control her sexually is not normal or healthy i do not even remember my fantasies do not even make the connection except once almost when she says bemused by my arguments i ve had these desires my entire life i ve had fantasies like this since i was three staring at the ceiling i trace the way the boards interlock over and over i am twenty years old and i have just convinced myself that the emotional savagery of my father has made me a monster and that one day when i find a lover i will have to confess myself and let them decide if they still want me it is three months before and my boyfriend is confused and hurting that i will not let him kiss me you said my first kiss could be my way that i could choose when and how i told you you promised my way mine when i m ready not stolen in his own romantic moment he hurts and does not understand i wanted him underneath me on the couch his leg pulled up to his chest open to me my fist in his hair so you want to initiate every time he asks bewildered yes of course not it is shortly after i have decided i am a monster and i am masturbating for the first time since i was a toddler i may be broken and twisted but i will live with it i have to have some kind of release or i will die it is a year later and i have still not had an orgasm i resort to a machine and overload my senses the orgasm is painful in the way that does not feel good it wracks my body like a seizure my vagina contracts and contracts and when my head is no longer snapping back on my spine i lay there and contemplate how everything i was ever taught about sexuality is truly a myth a month before i am whipping someone for the first time while they are tied beneath me giving themselves to me so i can learn to be what i am and it is beautiful i am nearly twenty one years old and i am coming to the turning point of a long and inevitable journey into the nature of the world around me i have finally come to remember what i knew as a child that trees speak raccoons know mysteries i never will and rocks are just as alive and intelligent as i am and the culture of my birth is killing the planet and it seems so perfectly clear such an easy explanation for why i am the way i am civilization broke me but i have to live this way so i will live in a way that will make me happy but let this twistedness die with me six months later and i am drowning in shame and self loathing and a seed scattered by someone i have never met germinates and sets down roots what if i am not broken what if i am just a part of the myriad flavors of humanity what if my desires are not in fact mirrors of the travesties of this culture of destruction but instead the culture took the things that were mine that are ours and maimed them to be used in conquer assimilation genocide what if i am wounded but i am not wrong share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on _________ opens in new window _________ more email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading 3 comments from sad on finding it where you can get it january 11 2011 tags contrary masochism monsters sadism trickster waxing bema is not into pain they re into enduring but not in the sex way could definitely be hot in certain circumstances so my sadism is not getting its rocks off my masochism on the other hand is getting a fair bit of action bema is perfectly happy to give me pain that i enjoy and listen watch my gaspy faces pretty cool bema and i were skin on skin today and the way we were interacting it wasn t exactly d s but it was something similar enough to get me partially there bema was lying in my arms and i just wanted to hurt them i wanted it and i was able to acknowledge it without squashing it and acknowledge that it wasn t going to happen without feeling desperate and hurt bema sensed it and we were talking later bema has been doing some independent research on bdsm examining this thing that they had no real experience or draw to until until they became involved with me some stuff i don t specifically know which they don t really see how it could be anything but dysfunctional some part of me the part that s hurt wanted to react to that but mostly i just felt cool they have their experiences and perceptions and i have my experiences and perceptions if those differ and they might not even be that different i think a lot of shit in the bdsm subculture is fucked up and dysfunctional my experience doesn t become unreal i felt suddenly ready to share this idea that has been growing in me for a while an unfinished idea that seeps into my consciousness occasionally then floats away again it started maybe a year ago during one of my phases of hurting so much about wanting to hurt people this continuing question tumbling inside me am i a monster then thinking what if i am but what if a monster just isn t what i thought it was i thought about the roles monsters play in children s stories not the ones meant to brainwash us into easy malleable lines but the ones that teach us about ourselves the ones where the monsters are only our own reflections monsters show us the edges of ourselves other ideas seeped in joined mutated ideas about tricksters and contraries those who do things backwards do the opposite of what is expected in hunter gatherer and other primitive peoples tricksters are the sacred boundary crossers in many of those same cultures gender mixers and crossers played the same role and i wonder what role my sexuality plays in my human worldview because i know it has one and yet even accounting for the silent majority there seem to be so much fewer people who share my desires than those who share other common desires it reminds me of a comment delilah left around the time when i finally tipped over the edge into accepting and cherishing my sexuality and not thinking it was completely rooted in a legacy of cultural fucked up ness i actually do think of myself as engaging in some dark shit when i do some of the kink that i do the difference is that i don t think of darkness as a bad thing darkness to me just means the wild the free the things that have been suppressed by the civilization you re talking about when you talk about darkness the trouble with the wild and the free is that they often are dangerous when my lover tests my tolerance by caning the fronts of my thighs and letting me bite into his arm to manage the pain while tears stream down his face that s pretty dark when i restrict someone s blood flow and whisper to them about how easily i could kill them and that makes them come that s fucking dark it s liberated it s admitting how close sex and death really are it s delving into parts of our psyche that are very old and animal and fierce it s not just wanting to fuck someone into a stupor but to drink their blood while you do it and that s hot which is why i do it not because it s hip to play with the darkness at the time i was railing against the image of bdsm as taboo and dark the way it s commercialized and caricatured as such but i saw her point and looking at it through that lens i resonated with what she said at my core my sexuality doesn t feel dark to me or strange or crossing any kind of boundaries it feels like normality and in a way despite my self alienation i perceive everyone else as strange but when i study myself in relation to the people around me who i grow with play with get bitchy with when i leave myself behind and step into them then i can see it i can understand how they can perceive it that way because when i was so divorced from myself around my sexuality i saw through the same lens but with infinitely more judgment none of this is an argument about how bdsm is special and awesome and so much deeper than what anybody else does it s just random utterly nonlinear driftings as i contemplate where i am in my life and where i m going the trickster coyote from gunnerkrigg court but on to things more mundane someone wanted to call a girl s spa night waxing facials hair masks after my initial repulsion i m not putting that gunk on my face but i will rip the hair from your body yesss unfortunately they re not a screamer pretty unfazed by that kind of pain just knowing that it hurt anyway did at least a little something for me but really i m just a reaction top but it s still a satisfying sensation feeling all the hair rip out someone else who is a screamer said they d let me know if they decided to do it i d be honored to give you pleasure they laughed i ll take it where i can get it share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on _________ opens in new window _________ more email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading leave a comment from content curious evolving hurt passionate pleased remembering unexpected tools of masochism december 27 2010 tags fir bough limp carrot masochism pain pervertables screw bolt limp carrot the big ones that haven t been trimmed down when they get all dehydrated and wrinkly but still have some heft hold the skinny end and hit with the top very satisfying impact i bruise really easy and i usually sport half a dozen bruises i couldn t tell you where they came from one day i couldn t figure out why i had all these regular bruises up my thighs and suddenly i burst out laughing after explaining my housemates teased me for the rest of the day fir bough pretty good makeshift flogger unbalanced and you have to be careful about the whippy ends and wrapping but nice impact sting screw bolt the big six inch ones with reall fine threads feels really good scraped down an arm or across palms and fingers not sharp enough to draw blood but sharp enough to leave white lines like a plowed field share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on _________ opens in new window _________ more email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading 2 comments from peaceful pleased remembering on kissing september 28 2010 tags french kissing kissing french kissing making out not body kissing not throat kissing and teasing the fine hairs on someone s skin with lips not just pressing lips together it s so common it just gets called kissing as if everyone will know what you mean when you say it it took me two decades to do it and then i did and i find myself the odd m...
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