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ave been able to overcome that big maybe had she at least considered me devastatingly handsome or was at least fairly attracted to me i ve made a ton of progress in getting my old physique back but i still have a long way to go but even guys without ideal physique can look good in the right attire i went back and forth trying to decide what i should wear to a lunch date should i dress casual should i dress up a bit since it s a lunch date and a hot day should i wear shorts and casual shirt or should i wear kackis and a dressier shirt in the end i stupidly decided to go comfortable with kackis and a polo shirt of course that decision came with self conscious worries as my legs are not exactly very healthy with my apparent low blood flow issues my lower legs are sometimes red so i am always self conscious about that thinking people see that and judge me for it had i been thinking i would have just wore kackis so that i would have that worry out of my mind and then the polo shirt yeah great choice idiot i was thinking it was the shirt in which i feel most comfortable but it probably came across as being with some golf buddy instead of a possible romantic prospect so yeah first impression ruined right at the start then of course i go and compound that even more before the date even gets going the place we went to has seating by open windows and there was luckily one table remaining so we walk over to sit there it looks like the previous group which had been sitting there may have needed an extra seat so there were 4 chairs on each side of the table and then one extra seat in the aisle at the head of the table for some stupid reason after she sits at the far end of the table i ask her if she minds if i sit at the seat at the head of the table again my insecurities play a part in this decision as there is a large group at the table next to us and i am self conscious of how big i still am even though i am much smaller than i used to be still have the big mindset so i am mindful of awkwardly trying to get into the seat and fit well back to back with the people at the next table and maybe inconveniencing them sitting too close to them instead of just politely excusing myself and working to sit in the seat i choose the seat at the head of the table in hindsight this ruined any chance for intimacy and further developing a connection right from the start instead of facing one another intimacy and feeling like we are talking to with one another we re facing different directions and basically talking at or past one another this was fine if we were just friends getting together for lunch to catch up on things but was a disaster for first date intimacy and connection at that moment of making that decision i needed that old lady to boo me and call me rubbish to get me to wake up out of the dream and make the right decision alas i also think facing the street and all the sun coming in the windows threw me off i have sensitive eyes as it is but especially in the sunlight so that made things almost dream like for me having to try to get my eyes to adjust to looking out at the window and the sun and then turning to see her in the seat next to me and then on top of that i have not gotten my new contact lenses yet so it made things even more unclear more things that would have been avoided had i just sat across from her with all that leading into the date before it even really began it s no surprise that the actual conversation went even worse again all on me for not being able to just get comfortable and be myself and be vulnerable and open with her i think i spent half the time talking about something to do with work i turned an innocent conversation starter about asking her about what she liked to drink other than what she d already shared with me into making her feel awkward and say that i must feel she s an alcoholic when i talked about not being much of a drinker at all instead of suggesting having a shot together after she noted the table next to us were enjoying shots i stupidly said well my day has not been that stressful at work that i need a shot yet and then the two big nails in the intimacy coffin ignorantly making comments about her job in an effort to try to understand it more but just made her feel insulted and the need to educate me on it and finally not opening up about my dating history and instead rambling on about generalities rather than just being vulnerable and speaking from the heart the former comments regarding her job set a bad enough mood though i did enjoy hearing her speak so passionately about what she does i wish i had just found a different way to ask her about all of that because not only does it interest me but hearing her talk about is what really interested me opportunity completely blown there but where i really feel i lost her for good is when i fumbled around when she asked about my history it started with my innocent question about what she appreciated about something i had in my match profile she mentioned that she felt we may have had similar experiences in our dating history and she said she felt i was being vulnerable by sharing some of what i did but she noted that there was a large gap between things and basically asked me to share more about that i have no problem sharing this with anyone even though i am not proud of it at all but in that moment i reverted back to my insecurities and instead of being open and sharing everything and letting things fall where they may it felt like my brain turned off or something and i ended up just rambling on about generalities and in the end i don t think i said much at all i wanted to tell her everything of my past i think that s really the only way you get to truly know someone as past experiences help form the person you become in life i easily could have explained my 13 year gap in dating by explaining what i went through from 2002 2011 it s that period which went a long way to shape who i am as a person now i would have shared with her that i had a relationship which almost led to marriage from 2002 2005 but that it ultimately did not lead to marriage due to a number of factors including falling out of love half way through the relationship not feeling respected by her as a person or a man feeling she was more interested in being married not necessarily being married to me and honestly still holding a flame for an unrealistic possible relationship with a girl i had never met i would have shared with her that i stupidly filled the void in my life soon after that with talking to girls online myspace chat services like msn and yahoo chat and developed what i thought was a connection with someone about a month after the breakup in hindsight that was nothing but a rebound but the experience unfortunately changed me forever after i found out she had been lying to me about everything we talked about online in messages and on the phone that was the first betrayal of that magnitude i had ever experienced and it shook me to my core and i don t think i ever have gotten completely over it i would have shared that i dated here and there with a few girls over the next year or so but the pain from the betrayal really didn t allow me to be able to fully trust anyone so i stopped dating for a while between 2006 and 2008 i would have shared that 2008 2011 years were another life changing moment for me as i would go through being laid off from ford in june 2008 being laid off from my contract house in december 2008 enduring emasculating soul crushing confidence destroying unemployment from december 2008 to december 2010 and then losing my house to foreclosure in august 2011 i would have shared that it took me from january 2011 to september 2011 to get some sense of my confidence and masculinity back when it came time to think about dating again and that is when i met someone off match again and we dated for a couple months but we knew early on that we were not a long term match and i was not fully recovered getting back my confidence and masculinity at least when it came to dating and that affected her happiness in the relationship i think she actually was attracted to many things about me even physically but what turned her off to me was my lack of being fully confident in myself her suggesting we watch the movie out of my league where the overall message was i was happy with you but you weren t happy with you and that s why we didn t work out but of course instead of taking that as a lesson to get myself back to confidence in myself again i ended up taking the wrong lesson from that experience i let her rejection of me ruin my confidence even more and that s pretty much what led to giving up on dating altogether and just assuming that it was too late for me 35 years old and not married after planning early in life to be married by 25 and having children by 30 i dated one other time in 2015 but then gave up for good after that if after all that my date wasn t running for the door i could have also got into the reason why i recently decided to put myself back out there and try again could have told her about my visit to the hospital er in january 2021 for bell s palsy high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes and all the progress i ve made and confidence and perspective i have gained in the 3 years since both physically and regarding my outlook on life but really who knows how she would have taken the vulnerability download and sharing all my history with her that actually may have been what would have cemented in her mind that she did not want a second date with me after the rest of the date went so poorly or maybe it could have turned the date around and that was her number one thing she was looking for was a guy to be vulnerable like that and want to connect with her on a deeper level unfortunately i ll never know i just wish i had been able to share all that with her because i think it would be much easier dealing with being rejected when i was completely open and myself with someone rather than being rejected without showing someone my true self and not even giving a fair shot to developing any intimacy or a connection anyway maybe i ll search for miracle max and ask him if he has any miracle pills i can take to revive my mostly dead but not all dead hopefully dating prospects going forward as he says true love is the greatest reason of all to live one s life and i think that is the biggest thing i have learned from this experience including the anguish of the past week of wishing i had been able to show her the best version of myself on the date i ve learned that i miss and desire this intimacy again i guess i will find out eventually if this experience will be the nail in the coffin of my potential love life or a learning experience and just an obstacle on the broken road i need to follow to true love august 31 2024 11 36am posted by michael in mi life love relationships romance stephanie life love relationships romance comments off on humiliations galore our definitions of love i had a lunch date recently first official date with someone local since 2011 you can imagine how it went no it s not like riding a bike at least it was not for me stop progressing in your social interactions especially dating for 13 years and you re not going to be as smooth with it as you had been previously and i wasn t all that smooth 13 years ago the details aren t important she was a very kind person part of what attracted me to her in the first place and while i would have liked to have had a second date to see if i had gotten my nervousness out of the way during our lunch and could have had a better second date she was kind enough to let me down gently saying she didn t feel a connection with me i don t blame her i was such a nervous wreck i was rambling about anything and everything all while sitting there completely self conscious about everything regarding the way i looked in the end i think a big part of the lack of connection is she was not attracted to me in person we met on match last week and had messaged and talked on the phone and bonded enough to see how things would go in person i speculate that she may have been able to forgive my nervous rambling had she at least found me somewhat attractive but it is what it is so i got back on the bike but proceeded to wiggle and wobble run into a large rock flip over my handlebars and fall flat on my face going to take a bit to get over that crash and burn that said some of the conversation i felt was good and one of the things we talked about was different definitions of love after i got home even with recovering from my badly bruised ego i was inspired to think about exactly what my definition of love is some of it was easy but some i had to ponder a bit i ve written about topics related to love for years and almost all my poetry is inspired by past loving relationships but after giving up on it all 10 years ago i had not really given the topic much thought as to what it means to me now below is what i came up with after a bit of inspiration that ironically hit me after a bad first date so you got me thinking about the definition of love or rather my definition of love not sure if i have ever thought about it too deeply or written it down or explained it out loud to anyone and when you say definition of love i assume you were talking about romantic love i do think there is a difference between romantic love and falling in love i think people can fall in love very easily and based on a lot of different sometimes superficial things obviously i think it starts with physical attraction and attraction to who they are as a person work they do philosophy on life how they treat others sharing similar interests i think a lot of falling in love is based on emotion and sometimes we don t even choose who we do or don t fall in love with there s sometimes just some deep connection or emotion that stirs something inside us when we re with the person or thinking about the person and that leads to falling in love with them falling in love i think also comes from how someone makes us feel or things they do for us that we cherish or qualities we just greatly admire in them as a person or even something as simple as how they kiss or how they touch us or the overall physical chemistry we have with them but i think romantic love goes beyond that i think love is more than a feeling it s also an action like the that awkward moment summary of what a relationship is all about loving someone is just being there when they need you it s wanting to be there when they need you you want to be that person for them to take their pain away or at least share the pain so they do not have to suffer as much love is truly caring about their life and what is important to them in their life love is wanting to celebrate their joy and happiness love is wanting to share your own joy and happiness with them and love is wanting them to be there with you during your 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