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progressing in your social interactions especially dating for 13 years and you re not going to be as smooth with it as you had been previously and i wasn t all that smooth 13 years ago the details aren t important she was a very kind person part of what attracted me to her in the first place and while i would have liked to have had a second date to see if i had gotten my nervousness out of the way during our lunch and could have had a better second date she was kind enough to let me down gently saying she didn t feel a connection with me i don t blame her i was such a nervous wreck i was rambling about anything and everything all while sitting there completely self conscious about everything regarding the way i looked in the end i think a big part of the lack of connection is she was not attracted to me in person we met on match last week and had messaged and talked on the phone and bonded enough to see how things would go in person i speculate that she may have been able to forgive my nervous rambling had she at least found me somewhat attractive but it is what it is so i got back on the bike but proceeded to wiggle and wobble run into a large rock flip over my handlebars and fall flat on my face going to take a bit to get over that crash and burn that said some of the conversation i felt was good and one of the things we talked about was different definitions of love after i got home even with recovering from my badly bruised ego i was inspired to think about exactly what my definition of love is some of it was easy but some i had to ponder a bit i ve written about topics related to love for years and almost all my poetry is inspired by past loving relationships but after giving up on it all 10 years ago i had not really given the topic much thought as to what it means to me now below is what i came up with after a bit of inspiration that ironically hit me after a bad first date so you got me thinking about the definition of love or rather my definition of love not sure if i have ever thought about it too deeply or written it down or explained it out loud to anyone and when you say definition of love i assume you were talking about romantic love i do think there is a difference between romantic love and falling in love i think people can fall in love very easily and based on a lot of different sometimes superficial things obviously i think it starts with physical attraction and attraction to who they are as a person work they do philosophy on life how they treat others sharing similar interests i think a lot of falling in love is based on emotion and sometimes we don t even choose who we do or don t fall in love with there s sometimes just some deep connection or emotion that stirs something inside us when we re with the person or thinking about the person and that leads to falling in love with them falling in love i think also comes from how someone makes us feel or things they do for us that we cherish or qualities we just greatly admire in them as a person or even something as simple as how they kiss or how they touch us or the overall physical chemistry we have with them but i think romantic love goes beyond that i think love is more than a feeling it s also an action like the that awkward moment summary of what a relationship is all about loving someone is just being there when they need you it s wanting to be there when they need you you want to be that person for them to take their pain away or at least share the pain so they do not have to suffer as much love is truly caring about their life and what is important to them in their life love is wanting to celebrate their joy and happiness love is wanting to share your own joy and happiness with them and love is wanting them to be there with you during your own highs and lows in life love is also showing respect patience and understanding respecting boundaries respecting differences of opinion respecting their independence respecting their expertise in things respecting their vulnerabilities and understanding when they need you to show that respect and love is also about wanting to express that love to them in every way you can think of to make them feel loved small gestures grand gestures tender moments passionate physical moments i m sure there is much more to love than that but that s what this bit of inspiration brought out of me at the moment august 25 2024 10 59am posted by michael in mi inspiration life love relationships romance life love relationships romance comments off on our definitions of love i can never be my former self but i can be the best version of my current self i have realized that i have lost myself through the years thanks to allowing others opinions of me to define who i am and have allowed circumstances in life to change my perception of things and of myself and for no good reason as the saying goes it s not what happens to you it is how you react and deal with what happens to you that matters i have been trying for the past few months to get back to the person i was before i let life s obstacles and people s cruel opinions take the best of me and then i turned into a person that i didn t like anymore and who others didn t like either which is why i ended up driving them away so bit of self reflection always good for the soul i think i wrote that in reply to a friend on facebook the other day and in response to it she replied to me you cannot go back to the person you were i initially was defensive and thinking wait a minute sure i can and then i stopped and thought about it a little deeper and i ended up replying to her thusly you know my first reaction to you saying that i cannot go back to the person i was was going to be sure i can watch me do it and then i thought about it more and you re right i can never go back to being the completely naive innocent happy go lucky immature person i was up until about age 25 29 because i cannot erase life experience and how it all affected me in good ways and bad from then until now but i can at least try to become a better version of my current self and i can do that by tapping into the person that i was before feeding the good wolf again instead of feeding the bad wolf as i have been doing for way too long august 19 2024 9 58pm posted by michael in mi inspiration life love life love relationships comments off on i can never be my former self but i can be the best version of my current self better to abandon oneself to destiny the torment of precautions often exceeds the dangers to be avoided it is sometimes better to abandon oneself to destiny someone i follow on x posted this quote from napoleon bonaparte earlier today and it hit home pretty hard for me as did this ai summary of the quote that i found after doing a google search to confirm the quote was real and correctly attributed to napoleon bonaparte the quote is about how the need to anticipate and predict all problems can be its own kind of hell and that it can be better to just leave things to fate boy does that describe much of my life the past 25 years or so pretty much sums up my life to this point i have spent much of the past 25 or so years in a kind of hell of hesitation and inaction in certain areas of life due to being stuck in my own head worried about all the problems which may or may not arise if i decided to do certain things the most common of these situations has of course been in my social life specifically when dealing with the prospect of talking with girls whether in person or only knowing them online heck i am going through the same hell now while trying to determine if i should reach out and make the first contact with girls women i find interesting on match i worry about everything that could possibly go wrong they won t find me attractive they won t find me interesting they ll be put off by the fact i have not dated for 19 years save for 2 months in late 2011 and haven t had sex in over 20 years who knows if i even remember how to do it i won t live up to their expectations of a 48 year old man and where he should be in life e g financial status physical appearance goals in life sense of purpose in life sexual prowess etc of course this is nothing new i did this with amy and kacey and amanda back in college in 1998 1999 girls i only knew through talking to them on aol and the phone but with whom i had developed a connection and chemistry and bond i thought numerous times about flying to new york to meet kacey or driving to wisconsin to meet amy or making a trip to virginia to meet amanda but i never made serious plans there was always something holding me back keeping me from just going for it taking the chance and letting the chips fall where they may part of it was immaturity in some ways i was just coming into my own in dealing with relationships with girls and i think it was easier when things with us were at a distance even though i wished we could easily be together and have a relationship in person but in each case being with any of them was going to take immense work and effort even with just the first meeting and then there was the multiple worries about what happens next would she like me would she reject me if she did like me then what would happen next and what would we need to do in the future to keep things going if she rejected me what would become of us in the future would i lose the close connection and bond and friendship i had formed with her after experiencing that loss with jen so recently back then i think i was fearful of going through that again so i was extra cautious to not do anything that may jeopardize what we already had of course looking back now while i may not have jeopardized what we had in the short term i definitely jeopardized everything long term and that of course has led to numerous regrets 25 years later which going back to the quote is its own kind of hell and it s one you can never escape because you cannot fix your regrets especially those from decades ago and especially when they have to do with relationships or friendships which faded away into non existence long ago which is why looking back it would have been much better to just abandon myself to destiny no matter what had happened when i went to meet amy or kacey or amanda or all three at least i would not now be counting them as regrets in my life i could look back and say that what happened with us was destiny but at least i had made my own destiny instead the torment of precautions has now turned into the torment of regrets which is also its own kind of hell august 8 2024 2 49pm posted by michael in mi amy life love relationships romance destiny life love relationships romance comments off on better to abandon oneself to destiny take this angel i have been sifting through all the boxes i had kept in my storage space the past 13 years and i have come across numerous things i had stashed away from as far back as 1998 i spent january through august of that year in kansas city missouri working as an engineering intern at twa i also spent that time rebuilding myself from my first heartbreak and breakup with my first girlfriend it was one of the most crucial and life altering experiences of my life i discovered who i was and what i was made of during that time i dug deep inside to find the strength to heal myself and to improve myself and become a better person and man i also found my confidence in myself in my social life in a new dating life and in my working life at the internship i also got myself in the best physical shape of my life age 22 facing the toughest challenge in my life to date with emotional heartbreak and struggling through college i turned that hardship into a diving board to jump forward into the rest of my life 26 years ago i can distinctly remember all the feelings even though now it seems like such a lifetime ago well one of the things i found from that time period was the writing pad i had originally bought to keep notes for work but which i ended up using to write down all the emotions that were flowing out of me at the time this pad has all my original notes and scribblings that would eventually become the poems cherish i remember and longing for another kiss i also wrote down some song lyrics from the sophie b hawkins song as i lay me down and at the bottom of that page i found what is written below about an angel i don t know if i took this from a song from a movie from a greeting card or if i was inspired to write this myself as a plan to send it to someone i was falling for at the time i really wish i could remember but decided to save it here for posterity take this angel and keep it close to your heart he will keep you safe even though we are apart as you go to sleep tonight and pray know that with you my heart does lay it protects you from harm and from all of your fears it will warm your heart and dry all of your tears so although tonight i cannot put my loving arms around you always know that i am hugging your heart and my love surrounds you august 7 2024 7 31pm posted by michael in mi amy life love my poetry relationships romance life love relationships romance comments off on take this angel previous entries about we don t read and write poetry because it s cute we read and write poetry because we are members of the human race and the human race is filled with passion and medicine law business engineering these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life but poetry beauty romance love these are what we stay alive for to quote from whitman o me o life of the questions of these recurring of the endless trains of the faithless of cities filled with the foolish what good amid these o me o life answer that you are here that life exists and identity that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse what will your verse be professor john keating dead poets society 1989 treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is treat a man as he could be and he will become what he should be ralph waldo emerson the purpose of life is not to be happy it is to be useful to be honorable to be compassionate to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well ralph waldo emerson never compromise not even in the face of armageddon a political party cannot be all things to all people it must represent certain fundamental beliefs which must not be compromised to political expediency or simply to swell its numbers ronald reagan 1975 don t give up your ideals don t compromise don t turn to expediency and don t for heaven s sake having seen the inner workings of the watch don t get cynical ronald reagan 1976 rorschach s journal november 12th 1985 dog carcass in alley this morning tire tread on burst stomach this city is afraid of me i have seen its true face the streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over all the vermin will drown the accumulated filth of...
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