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gs seem to be settling down my father has a heart attack so that s where i have been and now that things are starting to wind down perhaps there will be some time to do some posting today s special virtue with a heaping spoonful of self loathing march 29 2008 posted by jae in body image fat jobz tags eating disorders fat self esteem work 2 comments so our healthy lunch program has begun and it is awkward i decided that since i couldn t stop the program i would just personally avoid it but that s pretty much impossible to do because there are always questions from coworkers about who tried the food and who didn t who liked it and who didn t and the slightly judgmental why that comes along with taking no part in it truthfully i m not finding it that hard to deal with but a year or two ago i would have found it excruciating i have never been good with eating in public in fact there was a time when i could barely manage it i feared as i suspect many eating disordered people do that i was being judged for what i ate that people were looking at my plate and tallying calories to decide if i was virtuous or a total pig and in some way this is true i don t know a single soul who hasn t had someone sometimes a friend sometimes a relative other times a total stranger comment on what they were eating for me these comments definitely left their mark when i was in high school i went on a field trip with my english class a couple of my traveling companions were guys i had known for a couple of years as we sat in the grass in the park enjoying our lunch one boy who i was starting to fall for remarked that my turkey sandwich was the first thing he had ever seen me eat i sadly how proud i felt in that moment even though they in no way expressed admiration for my food avoiding skills they noticed how little i seemed to need food i was a worthy girl type human being i can also remember comment that came from my grandfather the sweetest man to ever live he remarked that i seemed to be eating more at dinner one night and i stopped fork in midair and didn t eat another bite in retrospect i can only imagine how bad i made him feel my grandfather believed in food happiness for him was taking people out to dinner here he was happy to see me eating and there i was paralyzed by the voice in my head screaming pig even though i m a hundred miles away from those moments i doubt i ll ever forget them or the feelings they inspired so having the girl who sits across the room want to know why i didn t eat a pasty plate of pasta with cardboardy meatballs can be extra unpleasant for me i still feel a little like i m being accused of something but the more i hear the questions the more i realize that they aren t really questioning me they are questioning themselves just the other day we were sitting down to lunch when one of my coworkers passed by on her way to the gym lamenting the fact that she had to go to the gym instead of eating lunch it wasn t that she wanted us all to drop what we were doing and join her on the treadmill but that she wanted to drop what she was doing and have some diet chicken salad but she wasn t allowed she had no choice in her mind but to spend her thirty minute lunch running at the gym now if she had been psyched about working out during lunch there wouldn t even be a need for discussion she would have been doing what she wanted to however the longing look she gave us as she ran out the door told anyone watching exactly how much she wanted to go to the gym and it s this same kind if thinking that fuels questions and comments about food choices my coworker doesn t really want to know why i think i m too good for a diet lunch she wants to know why she isn t good enough for a real one i only wish i knew how to tell her that she is but somehow i doubt she would believe me confession time march 24 2008 posted by jae in the crazy tags cutting self injury self harm 6 comments for almost ten years i have been living with a secret though there are people who know it they never bring it up never want to talk about it even when they heard it for the first time they had very little to say it is the kind of thing that needs to be talked about begs for it in fact but at the same time it seems to stop all conversation when i told my former best friend she was stunned and said she needed time to think the next day she asked me never to bring it up again unless i really needed to another friend who shared my secret never wanted to talk about it either eventually i stopped trying to talk about it with anyone but this month is tell someone month and so i decided that now might be a good time to break my silence i am a cutter note i don t intend for this entry to be especially triggering but if you feel you are very vulnerable you might want to stop reading here wow that was actually harder than i thought it would be truth be told i never found it easy to call myself a cutter or a self injurer or a self harmer or any of that somehow i never thought my problem was real enough to deserve naming though i have had occasional relapses my last was nearly seven months ago i have been in recovery for the past three or so years truth be told i wasn t sure i would ever get to a place where that was possible i had an accident the summer before my fourteenth birthday that left me with a bum knee and a constant sense of terror the randomness of what happened terrified me it might have been the first time i really realized that terrible things could happen that i couldn t control suddenly everything about the world seemed frightening i had always been shy but i became crippled by fear of interacting with people i was also still dealing with a very negative friendship though i had not yet realized how much it had affected me i also became terrified of injury and disease for the first time in my life i was sure every headache was an aneurysm and every occasional flutter of my heart a sign of congestive heart failure i also hated my body for awhile i ate compulsively but eventually the pendulum swung the other way and i lived on one tiny meal a day it was right around memorial day that i injured myself for the first time i don t remember much about it the only thing that sticks in my mind was that i had just had a fight with my parents by the next year though i was harming myself several times a week sometimes it was almost daily to this day i m not 100 sure what my reasons were for doing it my best guess is simply that i was loaded with a lot of destructive feelings and i had no constructive way to release them i didn t feel close enough to most people to confide in them i also was a stereotypical good girl type i didn t engage in any other after school special behavior i didn t smoke or drink i didn t sneak out to go to parties i didn t cut school i was too insecure to consider sleeping around i was the girl who got good grades and was home every single night of the week occasionally i went out with friends but that was it and when you re sixteen and everything about the world frightens you so that you don t even feel safe in your own mind when you hate yourself and expect everyone else to hate you too and you re carrying a little more baggage than you can handle something has to break for me harming myself was sort of a way to reign in the madness i wish i could tell you how i got over it but i m not sure exactly how it happened things changed i changed just a few years ago i was convinced that i was mentally ill and maybe i was the smart thing for me to do would have probably been to see a therapist but i was afraid though i was more than willing to admit something was wrong with me indeed i had a list of different diagnoses in my head whose criteria i felt i fit in one way or another going to therapy was too proactive for me the only way i could recover was to take it so slowly that i barely noticed it happening often a person who is totally unfamiliar with the concept of self harm will look at it as a problem in and of itself and it is for a number of reasons but in most every case it is just a symptom of a larger problem i was lucky i got away from the dark cloud that followed me everywhere i am no longer crippled by fears and insecurities and i learned other ways to cope with stress and emotional pain in the past three years any time i have given in to the urge to self injure it has felt empty and mostly pointless kind of like calling up an old friend who you don t really like anymore i thought that once self harm was no longer a part of my everyday life anymore there would be no need to tell this story to anyone my scars are hidden from public view and in fact they have mostly faded there is no reason the truth can not go with them except that my truth may matter to someone else out there self harm typically goes on in silence and even when people try to break that silence they might find as i did that it isn t as easy as merely telling someone the important thing though is to keep talking keep trying to get the truth out because creating a space where people can truly be honest about what s going on in their heads is the only hope we have of preventing people from harming themselves in the first place for anyone out there who would like more information some excellent resources can be found at secret shame selfinjury org and lifesigns carnie wilson i will be thin again march 19 2008 posted by jae in stupid news tags carnie wilson gastric bypass weight loss surgery 2 comments carnie wilson s is the first weight loss surgery i can really remember hearing about i was about fourteen when she had it and knee deep in self hatred i remember feeling so jealous that she had the chance to do something that was guaranteed to work when i was stuck trying to skip meals without my parents noticing but unsurprisingly that guarantee wasn t worth all that much and now ms wilson has put some weight back on and she recently sat down with ok magazine to produce one of the most disturbing interviews i ve read in awhile some highlights ok how are you feeling carnie i ve hit rock bottom with my weight everyone can see that i m bigger but i cannot hibernate i ve never lied or been dishonest about what s going on in my life even all these years later having had such a great weight loss story being back in this place is so familiar and it hurts i don t want to feel this way anymore it doesn t feel good when you have to struggle to get your pants on emphasis mine i agree it doesn t but not to have a state the obvious contest or anything might she feel better right away if she bought pants that fit instead of torturing herself trying to squeeze into her old ones ok how did you react to the recent pictures of yourself on celebrity web site tmz com carnie i actually thought my face looked pretty sometimes i get mad and think why do the paparazzi follow me and then i thought i don t feel mad i feel determined somebody is struggling just the way i am they ve gained some weight back they re reverting to some old habits they need a catalyst why do i have to be scrutinized for every pound the truth is i just want to be a good mom i want to be healthy and not revert to food when i feel anxiety again emphasis mine carnie asks an excellent question here why should she be scrutinized for every pound why should anyone there seems to be a glimmer of understanding here that she is not defined by her weight but at the same time she thinks that the pressure to be thin will help her to lose weight guess she hasn t seen the news recently ok what was your biggest diet downfall before gastric bypass surgery carnie doughnuts you don t get to 300 pounds by eating diet pie ice cream i would go through mcdonalds drive throughs and have a big mac super size fries a 20 piece chicken mcnuggets a pie and a shake that would be one meal for me horrid now if i start my morning out with a piece of toast i m doomed for the day it s like give me carbs surgery or no surgery i ve gotten to know who i am with food and how my body reacts if i had to highlight something there it would have been the whole quote it included every single what fat people eat stereotype you can think of from doughnuts to consuming half the items on the mcdonald s value menu in one sitting and obviously she paints this kind of behavior in a negative light however eating a piece of toast also bad no eating at all that solves everything rolls eyes ok what was life like after the surgery carnie in 2003 i was drinking heavily maybe i couldn t handle feeling that great i remember driving down coldwater canyon in california and thinking i could just turn this wheel and drive right off a cliff in 2004 i reached a bad low and stopped drinking cold turkey thirteen days before i got pregnant i got sober she felt so good she started binge drinking and thinking about suicide it s a good thing i didn t actually try to get this surgery when i was fourteen i don t think i could ve handled being that happy ok any regrets about having the gastric bypass carnie no it was the best thing i ever did if i didn t have the surgery i d probably be dead my liver was enlarged it was toxic i had sleep apnea i was waking up choking 10 times a night my cholesterol and blood pressure were high i was pre diabetic and had circulation problems slipped disks in my back acne and chronic headaches the surgery taught me to be accountable for what i put in my mouth the truth is that the weight loss happened so fast that i couldn t absorb it everyone was watching and there was so much pressure because teh fat unlike binge drinking makes your liver toxic not to mention that all the research on the subject says that fat is the most deadly thing there is and it causes acne and headaches and finally ok have you thought about just accepting yourself as a plus sized woman carnie i don t think i m going to be healthy at this weight for long i feel those extra 50 pounds plus i ve got a closet full of clothes that are size 8 that i would like to get back into again obviously the answer to that question is no but i especially like how she doesn t address it directly to me lusting after a closet full of size eights doesn t sound as healthy as embracing the size sixteen body she already has but who am i kidding that s crazy talk older posts search pages comments policy the new what thirteen who note from the fatosphere an error has occurred the feed is probably down try again later ed blogs ed bites every woman has an eating disorder feed me frozen oranges fat acceptance big fat deal first do no harm good with cheese haes in medical school kate harding s shapely prose seeworthy speak first apologize later the f word the rotund unapologetically fat zmama s balancing act other things i read the library claudia s room feministing racialicious shakesville sparkle pants the dairi burger categories categories select category aimless conversation body image dating 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