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passionate kisses nibbles on the ear and neck cherish touching rubbing massaging and even kissing every inch of their back cherish long walks holding hands through the park or long peaceful drives together in the country cherish just staring deeply into their eyes all the while loving you loving me cherish all the good times when you both act so silly when you laughed played tickled and gave playful kisses on their belly cherish telling them you love them and knowing it has so much more meaning than that cherish the feeling you get knowing they truly deeply mean it when they say it back cherish playing in the leaves making angels in the snow and acting like kids again in the playground all the things that make you appreciate the loving friend you have found cherish this now as these times and emotions are so very true and real cherish them deeply or they will soon turn to just distant memories that you feel by michael j yore february 26th 1998 february 26 2005 5 34am posted by michael in mi jen love my poetry poetry relationships 1 comment humiliations galore yes that should be said in the voice of inigo montoya from the princess bride probably a fitting reference as a good funny word to describe how i was on my first date in 13 years would be to call me a humperdink granted maybe not since prince humperdink as much of a rotten guy he was in the movie he at least tried to do things to woo the heart of princess buttercup me i behaved more like the old lady who boo d buttercup in the dream sequence where buttercup was announced as the new queen if only my behavior on the date had simply been a bad dream that said maybe if i want to successfully date again i needed to crash and burn last friday as the saying goes you learn more from your failures than your successes but i just wish it had been on a date with someone with whom i felt no connection and not with someone i felt there was a lot of potential for something more over the past week i have not been able to get out of my mind all the things that i did dreadfully wrong to sabotage any chance of making any kind of good impression and having any connection with her this is the curse of having a good memory about seemingly every humiliating experience in my life for whatever reason now i can see clearly all the wrong choices i made all the things i did wrong and all the things i said wrong or things i failed to do or failed to say ironically i think where i sabotaged myself in general was with my mindset before even going on the date i was so nervous and anxious and self conscious of all my flaws i set up myself and our date to fail as that nervousness affected how i carried myself and basically everything i ended up doing and saying on the date and i think by going into the date assuming she was going to see all my flaws and not like me i went out of my way to self sabotage and do and say everything to not develop any intimacy with her sounds ridiculous i know but i have gone so long with the assumption that girls women would never again be interested in me and therefor i shouldn t try to show interest in them since they wouldn t want a guy like me hitting on them that i think that s what i was unconsciously doing on the date instead of flirting with her and complimenting her and having playful banter with her and smiling at her to show my interest i was well doing none of that and pretty much did the opposite i think because i still had it in the back of my mind that she would not be interested in me doing that even though we had hit it off messaging and on the phone and she had already agreed to a date with me so yeah i think i sabotaged everything from the very beginning with my insecurities granted i may have been able to overcome that big maybe had she at least considered me devastatingly handsome or was at least fairly attracted to me i ve made a ton of progress in getting my old physique back but i still have a long way to go but even guys without ideal physique can look good in the right attire i went back and forth trying to decide what i should wear to a lunch date should i dress casual should i dress up a bit since it s a lunch date and a hot day should i wear shorts and casual shirt or should i wear kackis and a dressier shirt in the end i stupidly decided to go comfortable with kackis and a polo shirt of course that decision came with self conscious worries as my legs are not exactly very healthy with my apparent low blood flow issues my lower legs are sometimes red so i am always self conscious about that thinking people see that and judge me for it had i been thinking i would have just wore kackis so that i would have that worry out of my mind and then the polo shirt yeah great choice idiot i was thinking it was the shirt in which i feel most comfortable but it probably came across as being with some golf buddy instead of a possible romantic prospect so yeah first impression ruined right at the start then of course i go and compound that even more before the date even gets going the place we went to has seating by open windows and there was luckily one table remaining so we walk over to sit there it looks like the previous group which had been sitting there may have needed an extra seat so there were 4 chairs on each side of the table and then one extra seat in the aisle at the head of the table for some stupid reason after she sits at the far end of the table i ask her if she minds if i sit at the seat at the head of the table again my insecurities play a part in this decision as there is a large group at the table next to us and i am self conscious of how big i still am even though i am much smaller than i used to be still have the big mindset so i am mindful of awkwardly trying to get into the seat and fit well back to back with the people at the next table and maybe inconveniencing them sitting too close to them instead of just politely excusing myself and working to sit in the seat i choose the seat at the head of the table in hindsight this ruined any chance for intimacy and further developing a connection right from the start instead of facing one another intimacy and feeling like we are talking to with one another we re facing different directions and basically talking at or past one another this was fine if we were just friends getting together for lunch to catch up on things but was a disaster for first date intimacy and connection at that moment of making that decision i needed that old lady to boo me and call me rubbish to get me to wake up out of the dream and make the right decision alas i also think facing the street and all the sun coming in the windows threw me off i have sensitive eyes as it is but especially in the sunlight so that made things almost dream like for me having to try to get my eyes to adjust to looking out at the window and the sun and then turning to see her in the seat next to me and then on top of that i have not gotten my new contact lenses yet so it made things even more unclear more things that would have been avoided had i just sat across from her with all that leading into the date before it even really began it s no surprise that the actual conversation went even worse again all on me for not being able to just get comfortable and be myself and be vulnerable and open with her i think i spent half the time talking about something to do with work i turned an innocent conversation starter about asking her about what she liked to drink other than what she d already shared with me into making her feel awkward and say that i must feel she s an alcoholic when i talked about not being much of a drinker at all instead of suggesting having a shot together after she noted the table next to us were enjoying shots i stupidly said well my day has not been that stressful at work that i need a shot yet and then the two big nails in the intimacy coffin ignorantly making comments about her job in an effort to try to understand it more but just made her feel insulted and the need to educate me on it and finally not opening up about my dating history and instead rambling on about generalities rather than just being vulnerable and speaking from the heart the former comments regarding her job set a bad enough mood though i did enjoy hearing her speak so passionately about what she does i wish i had just found a different way to ask her about all of that because not only does it interest me but hearing her talk about is what really interested me opportunity completely blown there but where i really feel i lost her for good is when i fumbled around when she asked about my history it started with my innocent question about what she appreciated about something i had in my match profile she mentioned that she felt we may have had similar experiences in our dating history and she said she felt i was being vulnerable by sharing some of what i did but she noted that there was a large gap between things and basically asked me to share more about that i have no problem sharing this with anyone even though i am not proud of it at all but in that moment i reverted back to my insecurities and instead of being open and sharing everything and letting things fall where they may it felt like my brain turned off or something and i ended up just rambling on about generalities and in the end i don t think i said much at all i wanted to tell her everything of my past i think that s really the only way you get to truly know someone as past experiences help form the person you become in life i easily could have explained my 13 year gap in dating by explaining what i went through from 2002 2011 it s that period which went a long way to shape who i am as a person now i would have shared with her that i had a relationship which almost led to marriage from 2002 2005 but that it ultimately did not lead to marriage due to a number of factors including falling out of love half way through the relationship not feeling respected by her as a person or a man feeling she was more interested in being married not necessarily being married to me and honestly still holding a flame for an unrealistic possible relationship with a girl i had never met i would have shared with her that i stupidly filled the void in my life soon after that with talking to girls online myspace chat services like msn and yahoo chat and developed what i thought was a connection with someone about a month after the breakup in hindsight that was nothing but a rebound but the experience unfortunately changed me forever after i found out she had been lying to me about everything we talked about online in messages and on the phone that was the first betrayal of that magnitude i had ever experienced and it shook me to my core and i don t think i ever have gotten completely over it i would have shared that i dated here and there with a few girls over the next year or so but the pain from the betrayal really didn t allow me to be able to fully trust anyone so i stopped dating for a while between 2006 and 2008 i would have shared that 2008 2011 years were another life changing moment for me as i would go through being laid off from ford in june 2008 being laid off from my contract house in december 2008 enduring emasculating soul crushing confidence destroying unemployment from december 2008 to december 2010 and then losing my house to foreclosure in august 2011 i would have shared that it took me from january 2011 to september 2011 to get some sense of my confidence and masculinity back when it came time to think about dating again and that is when i met someone off match again and we dated for a couple months but we knew early on that we were not a long term match and i was not fully recovered getting back my confidence and masculinity at least when it came to dating and that affected her happiness in the relationship i think she actually was attracted to many things about me even physically but what turned her off to me was my lack of being fully confident in myself her suggesting we watch the movie out of my league where the overall message was i was happy with you but you weren t happy with you and that s why we didn t work out but of course instead of taking that as a lesson to get myself back to confidence in myself again i ended up taking the wrong lesson from that experience i let her rejection of me ruin my confidence even more and that s pretty much what led to giving up on dating altogether and just assuming that it was too late for me 35 years old and not married after planning early in life to be married by 25 and having children by 30 i dated one other time in 2015 but then gave up for good after that if after all that my date wasn t running for the door i could have also got into the reason why i recently decided to put myself back out there and try again could have told her about my visit to the hospital er in january 2021 for bell s palsy high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes and all the progress i ve made and confidence and perspective i have gained in the 3 years since both physically and regarding my outlook on life but really who knows how she would have taken the vulnerability download and sharing all my history with her that actually may have been what would have cemented in her mind that she did not want a second date with me after the rest of the date went so poorly or maybe it could have turned the date around and that was her number one thing she was looking for was a guy to be vulnerable like that and want to connect with her on a deeper level unfortunately i ll never know i just wish i had been able to share all that with her because i think it would be much easier dealing with being rejected when i was completely open and myself with someone rather than being rejected without showing someone my true self and not even giving a fair shot to developing any intimacy or a connection anyway maybe i ll search for miracle max and ask him if he has any miracle pills i can take to revive my mostly dead but not all dead hopefully dating prospects going forward as he says true love is the greatest reason of all to live one s life and i think that is the biggest thing i have learned from this experience including the anguish of the past week of wishing i had been able to show her the best version of myself on the date i ve learned that i miss and desire this intimacy again i guess i will find out eventually if this experience will be the nail in the coffin of my potential love life or a learning experience and just an obstacle on the broken road i need to follow to true love august 31 2024 11 36am posted by michael in mi life love relationships romance stephanie life love relationships romance comments off on humiliations galore our definitions of love i had a lunch date recently first official date with someone local since 2011 you can imagine how it went no it s not like riding a bike at least it was not for me stop progressing in your social interactions especially dating fo...
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