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Text of the page (random words):
at i could choose when and how i told you you promised my way mine when i m ready not stolen in his own romantic moment he hurts and does not understand i wanted him underneath me on the couch his leg pulled up to his chest open to me my fist in his hair so you want to initiate every time he asks bewildered yes of course not it is shortly after i have decided i am a monster and i am masturbating for the first time since i was a toddler i may be broken and twisted but i will live with it i have to have some kind of release or i will die it is a year later and i have still not had an orgasm i resort to a machine and overload my senses the orgasm is painful in the way that does not feel good it wracks my body like a seizure my vagina contracts and contracts and when my head is no longer snapping back on my spine i lay there and contemplate how everything i was ever taught about sexuality is truly a myth a month before i am whipping someone for the first time while they are tied beneath me giving themselves to me so i can learn to be what i am and it is beautiful i am nearly twenty one years old and i am coming to the turning point of a long and inevitable journey into the nature of the world around me i have finally come to remember what i knew as a child that trees speak raccoons know mysteries i never will and rocks are just as alive and intelligent as i am and the culture of my birth is killing the planet and it seems so perfectly clear such an easy explanation for why i am the way i am civilization broke me but i have to live this way so i will live in a way that will make me happy but let this twistedness die with me six months later and i am drowning in shame and self loathing and a seed scattered by someone i have never met germinates and sets down roots what if i am not broken what if i am just a part of the myriad flavors of humanity what if my desires are not in fact mirrors of the travesties of this culture of destruction but instead the culture took the things that were mine that are ours and maimed them to be used in conquer assimilation genocide what if i am wounded but i am not wrong share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on _________ opens in new window _________ more email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading 3 comments from sad on finding it where you can get it january 11 2011 tags contrary masochism monsters sadism trickster waxing bema is not into pain they re into enduring but not in the sex way could definitely be hot in certain circumstances so my sadism is not getting its rocks off my masochism on the other hand is getting a fair bit of action bema is perfectly happy to give me pain that i enjoy and listen watch my gaspy faces pretty cool bema and i were skin on skin today and the way we were interacting it wasn t exactly d s but it was something similar enough to get me partially there bema was lying in my arms and i just wanted to hurt them i wanted it and i was able to acknowledge it without squashing it and acknowledge that it wasn t going to happen without feeling desperate and hurt bema sensed it and we were talking later bema has been doing some independent research on bdsm examining this thing that they had no real experience or draw to until until they became involved with me some stuff i don t specifically know which they don t really see how it could be anything but dysfunctional some part of me the part that s hurt wanted to react to that but mostly i just felt cool they have their experiences and perceptions and i have my experiences and perceptions if those differ and they might not even be that different i think a lot of shit in the bdsm subculture is fucked up and dysfunctional my experience doesn t become unreal i felt suddenly ready to share this idea that has been growing in me for a while an unfinished idea that seeps into my consciousness occasionally then floats away again it started maybe a year ago during one of my phases of hurting so much about wanting to hurt people this continuing question tumbling inside me am i a monster then thinking what if i am but what if a monster just isn t what i thought it was i thought about the roles monsters play in children s stories not the ones meant to brainwash us into easy malleable lines but the ones that teach us about ourselves the ones where the monsters are only our own reflections monsters show us the edges of ourselves other ideas seeped in joined mutated ideas about tricksters and contraries those who do things backwards do the opposite of what is expected in hunter gatherer and other primitive peoples tricksters are the sacred boundary crossers in many of those same cultures gender mixers and crossers played the same role and i wonder what role my sexuality plays in my human worldview because i know it has one and yet even accounting for the silent majority there seem to be so much fewer people who share my desires than those who share other common desires it reminds me of a comment delilah left around the time when i finally tipped over the edge into accepting and cherishing my sexuality and not thinking it was completely rooted in a legacy of cultural fucked up ness i actually do think of myself as engaging in some dark shit when i do some of the kink that i do the difference is that i don t think of darkness as a bad thing darkness to me just means the wild the free the things that have been suppressed by the civilization you re talking about when you talk about darkness the trouble with the wild and the free is that they often are dangerous when my lover tests my tolerance by caning the fronts of my thighs and letting me bite into his arm to manage the pain while tears stream down his face that s pretty dark when i restrict someone s blood flow and whisper to them about how easily i could kill them and that makes them come that s fucking dark it s liberated it s admitting how close sex and death really are it s delving into parts of our psyche that are very old and animal and fierce it s not just wanting to fuck someone into a stupor but to drink their blood while you do it and that s hot which is why i do it not because it s hip to play with the darkness at the time i was railing against the image of bdsm as taboo and dark the way it s commercialized and caricatured as such but i saw her point and looking at it through that lens i resonated with what she said at my core my sexuality doesn t feel dark to me or strange or crossing any kind of boundaries it feels like normality and in a way despite my self alienation i perceive everyone else as strange but when i study myself in relation to the people around me who i grow with play with get bitchy with when i leave myself behind and step into them then i can see it i can understand how they can perceive it that way because when i was so divorced from myself around my sexuality i saw through the same lens but with infinitely more judgment none of this is an argument about how bdsm is special and awesome and so much deeper than what anybody else does it s just random utterly nonlinear driftings as i contemplate where i am in my life and where i m going the trickster coyote from gunnerkrigg court but on to things more mundane someone wanted to call a girl s spa night waxing facials hair masks after my initial repulsion i m not putting that gunk on my face but i will rip the hair from your body yesss unfortunately they re not a screamer pretty unfazed by that kind of pain just knowing that it hurt anyway did at least a little something for me but really i m just a reaction top but it s still a satisfying sensation feeling all the hair rip out someone else who is a screamer said they d let me know if they decided to do it i d be honored to give you pleasure they laughed i ll take it where i can get it share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on _________ opens in new window _________ more email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading leave a comment from content curious evolving hurt passionate pleased remembering unexpected tools of masochism december 27 2010 tags fir bough limp carrot masochism pain pervertables screw bolt limp carrot the big ones that haven t been trimmed down when they get all dehydrated and wrinkly but still have some heft hold the skinny end and hit with the top very satisfying impact i bruise really easy and i usually sport half a dozen bruises i couldn t tell you where they came from one day i couldn t figure out why i had all these regular bruises up my thighs and suddenly i burst out laughing after explaining my housemates teased me for the rest of the day fir bough pretty good makeshift flogger unbalanced and you have to be careful about the whippy ends and wrapping but nice impact sting screw bolt the big six inch ones with reall fine threads feels really good scraped down an arm or across palms and fingers not sharp enough to draw blood but sharp enough to leave white lines like a plowed field share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on _________ opens in new window _________ more email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading 2 comments from peaceful pleased remembering on kissing september 28 2010 tags french kissing kissing french kissing making out not body kissing not throat kissing and teasing the fine hairs on someone s skin with lips not just pressing lips together it s so common it just gets called kissing as if everyone will know what you mean when you say it it took me two decades to do it and then i did and i find myself the odd man out i m not so into it seriously boyfriend devastated people kept telling me that it was an acquired taste and that i would like it eventually everyone likes it everyone during one conversation my boyfriend was laying out all this evidence for the human desire for tongue in mouth kissing and i finally said basically it s like i ve told you i m lesbian and you re trying to convince me i d realize i m straight if i d just try it long enough to get used to it the one i really like to whip out when people are telling me why i should like kissing is the theory that kissing evolved from an affection shared between mothers and babies from the practice of premasticating food then watch their cultural indigestion from paranoia of associating children with anything they consider sexual vengeful i can be now i kind of think of french kissing the way many people think of kinky sex okay now that we really know each other and really trust each other let s do something completely crazy like tie each other up with scarves and blindfold each other only it s okay now that we really know each other and really trust each other let s do something really fucking insane like stick our tongues in each others mouths a faster way to spread communicable diseases i know not seriously what a weird fucking practice with all their gnarly diseases crossing species barriers left and right i m surprised agriculturalist and pastoralist population centers of civilization survived it i did learn to enjoy that kind of kissing with partner and i was almost always in a state where i was incredibly present with my dominance usually in the throes of sex it was an expression for my aggression and sadism and dominance biting soft parts claiming someone possessing someone in such a physically intimate way there s just something about claiming someone s mouth that s incredibly powerful for me because in a way it s a more intimate orifice than my cunt to be physically locked face to face with someone cutting off one of your options to breathe it almost seems suicidal okay so i guess there are other ways to do it it all feels pretty weird though share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on _________ opens in new window _________ more email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading 10 comments from confused curious exasperated passionate the funny things people say in porn september 20 2010 tags assertive submission big cocks bold submission firm ass high breasts juices not a spare ouce of fat porn pussy saggy boobs so i ve been reading a lot of polyandrous triad porn lately or trying to skimming is generally a better word to the sex parts if they re good then skimming to the next i found one example that was rather terribly written and had a very poorly developed supernatural world but had one fascinating brilliant concept a bold assertive submissive man who asked for what he wanted and stood up for himself there was one scene where the dominant woman of the triad made him come then refused to let him give her an orgasm not because it was hot d s but because she was terrified of being vulnerable she blew him off and he basically said you know where i am if you re really as brave as you think you are come get me and left and i was like wow despite this moment of win the clear dominance submission dynamic the triad and some bondage and beating the sex scenes really did not flow and it was not even remotely erotic for me reading porn in such concentration has highlighted the many things people say that are supposed to be erotic that strike me as completely off the wall it s just weird like one person wrote it thinking it was a good idea having never actually experienced what they were writing about and the next person also having never experienced what they were writing about took the first person at their word and thought that was reality and on and on it goes it s like there s a list of stock phrases for written porn that everyone feels obligated to use for some reason there was not a spare ounce of fat on pronoun s body i read this and i blink and i wonder so are they fucking a concentration camp victim did i miss something of the backstory while skimming i don t think people know what it means to not have body fat and it keeps getting worse with the insane anti fat diet mentality the north american super power has been getting into the last few decades reality humans carry fat we need fat to live fat is good it is delicious it s what our brains run on i m not talking big beautiful women or fat as an identity i m talking biological necessity every trim athletic fit person you see has fat what s more they have spare body fat because we re designed to carry spare calories just in case i have seen a male body at 4 body fat and it is not pretty for a female body the equivalent is 10 so if someone doesn t have a spare ounce of fat they probably don t have the energy to be fucking because they have 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