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Text of the page (random words):
he second hell has snuggles and smiles and a sense of a chapter finally being closed but fuck it is exhausting you are suddenly responsible for this little creature who depends entirely on you to continue living all while you re still recovering from your prior battle you re still processing everything you just went through except you don t have a moment to yourself to properly think anything through so here i am almost three years later still figuring out this new me i came out the other side of this a completely different woman not only did my losses profoundly change me trying to recover from those losses while becoming a mother also changed me i m still trying to recover even though i have my baby the feelings of loss still resurface regularly the four that are no longer with me never actually left me i would like to say however that even though my insides are still a mess i have a confidence in myself and what i can do that was never there before all of this i m proud of the woman i have become the battle gave me that surviving the war gave me that motherhood gave me that i may be processing this for years to come maybe even the rest of my life but i will do what i did while in the thick of it rely on that ever present hope because none of this is easy loss motherhood life all we can do is keep trying to breathe and work hard to find the light in the midst of it all comments 21 comments categories uncategorized she s here 5 nov last friday october 26th at 10 25 pm we welcomed our little elsie into the world it was a long labor stretching to 24 hours with just over 4 hours of pushing the birth was incredible amazing trying and life changing but i made it a point not to expect it to go any particular way and although decisions had to be made that i was hoping not to have to make it was still perfect in every way my doctor was incredible and the nurses even more so tim was by my side the entire time and was more amazing than i ever could have imagined i feel so lucky to have had the birth that i had and more importantly to have a healthy baby in my arms she s here i can t believe it but she is i look at her face and it s as if i ve known it my whole life there were so many times where i never thought this moment would come true a year ago almost to the day in fact on her due date i had given up ever believing i d become a mother i was ready to give it one more try then move on knowing 5 losses would be my limit in heart break but that one more try gave me her she s my one more try she s amazing she looks so much like tim she even has chinese features and dark hair for now i ve never been so in love she was worth all the tears and pain because all of that brought me to her i apologize for taking so long to give you all the news of her birth but man i don t know how you moms who post right away do it i m super impressed do you want to hear the birth story or is that too much i want to respect those that are still in the middle of it but i m proud of my birth and would love to share it after that i m not sure if i will continue to use this space i know this is a common struggle for everyone in the ali community once they have their babies but since i ve been feeling unsure of this space since becoming pregnant it just seems more and more like it s the right choice not to continue here i would like this to remain a space of comfort for those going through loss and infertility a space where they can feel like someone else knows exactly how they feel not one where they have to dodge tales of baby raising to get to the support they were seeking thank you to everyone for checking in i still can t believe this is real i can t believe she s finally here what a journey this has been comments 29 comments categories baby joy thankful thinking of you 15 oct today i m thinking of all of you who lost your little ones too soon even as i m approaching my daughter s birth not a day goes by that i don t think of the 4 that came before her i feel so fortunate to be in this position after so much heartache and tears i hope each and every one of you out there still trying for your own miracle has a chance to feel what i am right now and that somehow my story can give you hope to keep going sending all of you and your little ones love courtney comments 8 comments categories community miscarriage transitioning to positive 27 aug tonight tim and i are going to visit the hospital where we plan to give birth i ve been really excited for this because i m a planner and i need to be able to visualize things in order to better plan there are supposedly new birthing suites that are really nice with your own room and shower i ve been looking forward to this for a while now and i m really excited to see where we ll be welcoming this little girl into our lives except i m not sure why i hadn t thought of this before now but it s the same hospital where i ve had to leave 2 of my babies behind and there may be some difficulty walking into those doors tonight i mean the thought had crossed my mind that i d be giving birth in the same place i had my d cs but i guess i was choosing to ignore it but now that i m facing it i m nervous walking through those doors where all i ve ever felt is sadness fear and grief may not be easy for me i remember after both surgeries having a hard time leaving the hospital what remained of our babies were no longer in me i was empty and i was leaving them behind in the fluorescent lights and medical waste receptacles not in my arms those moments still stand out to me i left my hopes and dreams behind in those sterile and cold walls going home was the last thing i wanted to do where only tears and devastation were waiting for me i know i have been given a gift to turn these experiences into something positive to make that hospital into one that will give us life instead of one that takes it away a gift that so many have unfairly not been given and i do not take that lightly i know that if i can get past the initial sadness it may give to me it will be followed with so much joy and love and for that i am deeply blessed nothing will take away from what i ve gone through nothing will erase the pain of those losses of having my babies so unfairly taken from me but tonight i will walk in focusing on the little being inside of me the one that is still thriving and growing the one that fought so hard to be here while remembering the ones that came before her it s time for me to reclaim my hopes and dreams and finally take them home with me comments 10 comments categories fear miscarriage pregnancy 28 weeks and blessed 6 aug i never thought i would be here greeting the third trimester of a pregnancy in a few short weeks i will get to meet the baby i have worked so hard for for years i still can t believe it s happening there are times even now that i look down at my belly and think for sure it s someone else s body i m looking at but i m reminded quickly with a jab from a little girl inside that it is indeed mine this baby who creates the ripples in my stomach and keeps me up at night already she s mine after the depths of a grief i didn t know existed i m here i have no idea how i got here but i did we re going to have a baby thank you so much to those of you that have checked in on me i m forever grateful to you and feel honored that you even still think about me i had been wanting to write an update and your inquiries was just the nudge i needed so here i am 28 weeks insane i m afraid my past few posts may have led you to believe that this has all been so easy for me i meant every word that i said but you should know that that certainly hasn t been the case the entire time around week 21 the fear that i had kept at bay for most of my pregnancy kept stealthily creeping in and i found it more and more difficult to push it away i think being so close to vitality and with my track record from the previous 4 pregnancies i thought for sure it would end before i made it there i couldn t get it in my head that this pregnancy was different that from the moment i hit 11 weeks this was a whole new ball game for me tim was understandably frustrated with me during this time because i had made so much progress and all of a sudden it seemed like i was reverting back to my fears of the past two years torturing myself all over again but that feeling of doom is a hard thing to shake after years of it being my reality i knew what really happened to people in this world i knew not to believe a happy ending was a given but after a few weeks of that ever familiar fear then finally hitting that 24 week milestone i made a choice to believe that this was going to happen i didn t want to feel that way any longer 3 years of it had been enough and i was tired this little being inside deserved for me to believe she d be coming to me in a few months after all she had fought to be here too and i needed to start acknowledging that there are some mornings i wake up thinking it must have all been a dream not in a woe is me way just a moment of in between consciousness where i m not sure of reality just yet i figure when i look in the mirror i ll for sure be empty once again then i feel her kick and kick and kick and kick and i am overcome with gratitude the body that i felt had betrayed me for years is continuing to prove to me that all along i just needed to believe that it would happen every single day i feel blessed that i have been given another day of this pregnancy and refuse to take it for granted even when i tore my abdomen muscle a few weeks ago ouch and was frustrated in my body i still felt blessed my muscles were weak because of my growing belly and as much as it pissed me off that i was in pain a lot of freaking pain i was in pain because of my baby the baby i had fought for for so long i could take a little more pain over the past couple of months i ve looked back through my archives here and have been awestruck by what i went through i honestly don t know how i made it through all that fear and gut wrenching sadness then i think of all the women still in the midst of that hell and my heart stops i don t know why it is i was chosen to be here i constantly blown away by that blessing and after years of time moving in slow motion these months are flying by at a speed i m not accustomed to before i know it i ll be holding this baby in my arms and a whole new adventure will have begun and i can hardly wait i have a feeling i ll be back here a few more times before the end of october i d especially like to write out how i m feeling about the coming birth and this space has always been the best outlet for that but right now i need to try and get some sleep as it s been hard to come by these past few weeks thanks again for checking in on me you are all amazing and i m constantly praying each and every one of you get to know this feeling you all deserve it so much as if it were that easy ha comments 14 comments categories finally joy me me me me pregnancy thankful 18 weeks 4 days 30 may i just wanted to pop in to let anyone who is still out there know that the baby and i are doing really well we just had our anatomy scan and everything looks just as it should be and it s a girl i just feel so relieved after the appointment tim held me and i just couldn t stop crying it s finally happening all that heartache and grief all those years of loss and thinking this will never happen and we re finally here i know there s still 20 more weeks to go but i ve made it this far we ve made it this far maybe now this will start to feel real for the past few months it has felt like it was happening to someone else even though it s my belly that s growing i ve been in it mentally from the very beginning i ve been present and happy but it still felt feels surreal like after years of loss how can this finally be happening but it is that s our little girl inside who flutters around at night and gets stronger every day she ll never erase the past two years but i know she ll make them worth it she already has it s still hard to imagine we ll be bringing a baby home in october but i feel like that s okay one day at a time and today there s joy sending all of you love and strength i hope each and everyone of you gets to feel this happiness in one way or another i believe you will love courtney comments 24 comments categories finally joy pregnancy thankful five pregnancies two and half years two hundred posts 27 apr tomorrow i ll be 14 weeks 14 weeks it seems surreal it s hard for me to believe that i m not still stuck in the first trimester as i was for two and a half years last week i entered my very first second trimester in five pregnancies i ve had my genetic pre screening done and everything looked fantastic the baby is even measuring a few days ahead which is definitely a first for me the tests all came back negative with the downs chance basically non existant who would ve thought we could make a genetic superstar i ve had many chances to take a peak at the little one waving and kicking up a storm my last one just yesterday and it never gets old i thank this little baby every single night for growing stronger every day for beating the odds to still be here today i put my hand on my belly and even though i can t feel him or her just yet i feel life i realize that makes me sound crazy but every time i start to worry i press my fingers to where he or she is and i feel butterflies after all my heartache it s the best thing in the world forget genetic superstar this baby is a superstar plain and simple i feel like i ve let many of you down by not being able to come to this space something happened before this pregnancy a shift in my thoughts that revealed i was ready to step away from the everyday interactions in this world my sanity needed me to step away i honestly believe it has helped me navigate this pregnancy as well as i have this world has been my safe haven my strength my release my support i can never forget that for four devastating pregnancies all of you have been there for me some of you strangers some of you now friends for life others family and friends in this with me in the real world as well i will never be able to thank you enough this space has given me so much over the years and i m proud of the woman this world has helped me become she s a badass in my eyes in fact you re all badasses to me we navigate these murky waters with nothing but fractions of hope and the unwavering support of others in the trenches with our hearts pulling on us and the rest of the world telling us we re crazy but we come here and we re not crazy we pee on a thousand and one sticks and end up finding someone else who peed on a thousand and two because of this world i found inside this little screen i dove into a fifth pregnancy with no proof it would be any different than the other four i gave myself one more chance at this and knew that if it didn t work out i d be okay i ve lea...
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