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Text of the page (random words):
kip that in my introduction for a while i told myself i d wait until i was showing well now i find myself being more and more creative with my clothes because i want to hide the bump and delay telling even more i think that s a sign that i should spill the beans and just come out already i ve told my inner circle but i stil haven t told the majority of our friends and i haven t mentioned anything at work i am a contractor and not an employee so i don t get an official maternity leave but i still should say something since i work from home i ve enjoyed so much privacy not worrying about showing tomorrow night we actually have a work event at the local bowling and arcade place since i rarely see most of these people it s a great opportunity to socialize face to face but i find myself obsessing about what to wear to hide the bump when i have my 1 on 1 with my director in a week maybe that will be a good time to tell so far 1 on 1 is working out the best big groups make me freeze lately i ve been fantasizing about 20 weeks it s the half way point so that sounds safe right i think i am just fooling myself that some safe appropriate milestone will come up as far as i know this is it this is as safe as it gets so i should just relax but somehow i still struggle to make the transition i cling to my infertility podcasts more comfortable hearing about miscarriage and baby loss and more familiar with the emotions that go along with that i feel excited but almost detached from this pregnancy i feel like i should have been crying tears of joy at our last exam seeing all those images of the baby and getting the official confirmation it s a girl instead i was focused on what is the next thing to worry about in our case it is a fetal echo in 4 weeks to confirm a healthy heart recommended for pregnancies from ivf i want to be able to enjoy the pregnancy and share it with others but i am not there yet and i am not sure exactly why up until now we ve told people that i am comfortable untelling if it came to that because of our good relationships now that i am going to the outer circles i am anxious about the questions and the expectations i told someone last night who knew about my losses and he asked if we had a name already wow that is so not on my mind right now it should be but it isn t i am taking this mindfulness stress reduction class as part of my counseling psychology degree and i think i need to just take some of that to heart this is what we learned to say to ourselves be aware of and embrace your anxiety acknowledge it and let it go it s there and it will likely be there when you or someone else talks about pregnancy it s part of how you feel right now and that s ok it s totally ok to be anxious you don t have to be this perfect happy pregnant person you don t have to be glowing with joy where you are is just fine embrace it comments 7 comments categories pregnancy started spilling the beans 11 dec i started spilling the beans a little this past weekend it felt really scary at first but then was like a weight lifted i always pictured myself bursting into tears and gushing about all our troubles along the way instead i was able to tell some friends and my brother that we were expecting and they instantly responded with joy and excitement about us becoming parents after telling some of our friends i actually had trouble sleeping that night questioning if we made the right choice if it was really safe yet even though there is no real safe time i feel like this is the closest we ve ever been the following morning we went to a brunch party and i was totally set on making the announcement there were plenty of quiet pauses in the table conversation to jump in but i completely froze i was a stressed mess thinking about if i should or shouldn t and when and preparing myself for the response mr star kept giving me looks like say something and i just shut down like i couldn t do it it just didn t feel right somehow i don t think we were really ready for that level of attention i have to just trust my gut that even though it sounded like a good idea it just wasn t the right time if things continue they ll find out eventually one way or another right telling has been a different experience than it was in my fantasies i have been able to say we are pregnant and at the same time keep the long process that got us here to myself somehow i worried that i d have to have a full on conversation revealing the whole deal all the losses the ivf the going to mexico for lit the gluten free diet and acupuncture all the crazy shit i ve been going through for the last 5 years instead it s just we are pregnant and due in june end of story it s almost like the other stuff never happened at least as far as they know i find i have one leg still on infertility pregnancy loss grief island and the other in this new mainland of baby joy parent joy i go back and further and find myself right on the border i feel the draw to join the mainland but i don t trust it like the bridge that takes me there is going to bust at any moment or my passport will be rejected it s too good to be true so i waver and i think that is what kept me from telling my friends at that brunch event i just felt like if i made a big announcement it would all come crashing down i am waiting for some official sign that everything is going to be ok and i can relax but i am not there and maybe i won t be until baby star actually arrives for now i am just going one step at a time cautiously tip toeing forward excited at each additional day that goes by taking us closer comments 6 comments categories my mental state pregnancy to tell or not to tell 6 dec a problem i fantasized about having is finally here who do i tell and when since it took 5 years for us to graduate to the second trimester i honestly wondered if this day would ever come as a result i feel totally out of my element sure i fantasized tons about the one day i could tell people that we are finally expecting until now i ve told my close friends and family who have been supporting me through all those years of losses and infertility now i find myself lost in how to communicate this to the rest of the world like that next level of friends and family since i work from home i have the flexibility to hold it from co workers until i am ready or until we have an on site work event where it is going to be physically obvious there is a part of me that is perfectly content just keeping this information to myself for as long as i can afterall i am not showing and we are only 14 weeks in yes 14 weeks tomorrow i still can t believe it i am still superstitious and paranoid about going public as if a miscarriage will be triggered immediately i also worry about what questions are going to come out from people who have been kept out of the loop how much do i have to explain my friends who have supported me all along the way already know that week 14 is a huge deal for us the rest of the world however is more likely to jump into questions about due dates genders names day care plans and all sorts of things i am not even thinking about yet or even worse questions about what the hell took us so long hopefully most people will be too shy ask about the second one even if they are thinking it i just don t know how much i really want to go into that essentially if i wanted people to know our whole story i would have already had shared it with them by now with christmas coming up there will be a lot of opportunities to spill the beans however since i am not showing and probably won t for a while given my long torso it is totally optional so it s just a matter of when i want to tell i am just not sure if i am ready but then again will i ever be ready i know the normal route for folks with healthy pregnancy histories is to tell around 12 weeks but what about for those of us with a shaky history with a history or recurrent loss should you wait longer anyone have suggestions or experience here comments 6 comments categories pregnancy image week 13 passed the nucal scan 29 nov this is starting to feel real we had all around good news this morning at the nucal translucency scan everything was normal and combined with our bloodwork suggest that the baby is healthy and normal no down s syndrome or trisomy 18 we have our last genetic screening scan in january the baby was really moving and jumping around in there a lot which they also saw as a good sign of health tags pregnancy comments 2 comments categories pregnancy week 12 we made it 25 nov we made it to week 12 on friday 2 days ago we are officially in the second trimester for the first time ever i am in disbelief about it all and have been feeling a bit numb not the tears of joy i was expecting to feel if when we ever made it this far while i don t expect the other shoe to drop i am still not ready to be super celebratory i guess given our history it s expect to be cautious since my last post i ve graduated to several milestones i am free from my gluten free dairy free diet i ve stopped the prescribed meds metformin and progesterone and my acupuncturist said i can go back down to 1x week the biggest milestone came at our ten week ultrasound when they were able to use the ultrasound wand on my stomach sadly i ve had so many transvaginal ultrasounds i just thought that was all there was i somehow believed the stomach kind was for people who were really pregnant so when the nurse was able to scan straight from my stomach and show us a fetus with actual hands and feet i was completely blown away like she was talking to someone else it was such an opposite experience compared with my 8 weeks scan two weeks earlier with dr mean thank you to everyone for giving the courage to change doctors no more dr mean since the new doctor someone i ve seen for previous pregnancies seems to be super busy they ve been sending us for appointments with the nurse practitioner and physician s assistant so far they ve been so much nicer and more encouraging than any of the ob s i ve had so i ve found it a welcome relief for that reason i am trying to just keep scheduling with them when i can one thing that has helped is the sonoline b doppler it is amazing it arrived around 9 1 2 weeks in and it worked that same day it was tricky to figure out the right spot as there really is only one spot that picks up any vibrations but once it does it is amazing each time we try we ve been getting a little heart in their beat at around 170 bpm since we have a long time in between ultrasounds it is really the only reassurance we can get that things are ok in there for about 50 it was worth every penny despite all this reassurance i still don t feel like we are expecting my stomach looks the same and we haven t told many people so it all feels like some fantasy in my mind that said i find myself afraid to do any real exercise other than walking or yoga i used to really enjoy zumba and cardio dance type classes but now i just see all that jumping around and think it s a recipe for miscarriage the ob said that it was safe to exercise but i don t really know what that means i ve found websites online about pregnancy and exercise that say exercise is safe but then there is the disclaimer that you should check with your doctor if you have a high risk pregnancy or recurrent loss that s definitely us our ob said it was ok but i don t believe him i don t trust regular obs on this one yet sadly because of this i ve been feeling really stuck and having a hard time exercising at all that can t be good does anyone have any suggestions for safe exercise routines for paranoid pregnant women like me even yoga scares me a little when we do contra indicated poses like inversions oy i thought after week 12 i d be in the safe zone but i find myself still feeling very paranoid and overly cautious this friday we are scheduled to go for our nuchal translucency ultrasound fingers crossed update nov 27 i had my last of my weekly series of progesterone blood tests today i did this every week for the first trimester for my ivf dr i can t believe that s the last prick on the horizon while i suspect more of these things come up as part of prenatal care it is exciting to be done with the tests that were for infertility like somehow i ve graduated yeah also feeling less of the nausea and fatigue and more back to regular me it could be the magic of the second trimester kicking in or more likely the fact i stopped my nightly progesterone doses a few days ago or maybe some combo of the two either way it is a relief to feel more like myself comments 17 comments categories pregnancy good news in week 8 but a mean doctor 1 nov we had the first official ob appointment yesterday at 8 1 2 weeks along it felt like a huge milestone to graduate from the specialty doctor to be back with normal people it felt very different than the first time when i was naive and clueless nervous and excited now jaded and skeptical i viewed the whole thing with a mix of disbelief and hesitation i admit i had dreamed of being back again here one day so many times through the years through some stroke of magic we had another scan that showed everything was fine heartbeat was still going on baby was growing according to the dr everything looked fine we are thrilled but i can t help thinking that it is just a matter of time before i am found out and someone kicks us out i don t think there is much of anything you can say to someone after so many losses that convinces them that everything is fine at least not at this early stage the dr gave us one of those preparing for your pregnancy type books and suggested a website for tracking your pregnancy and even talked about childbirth training and parenting classes whoa nellie i am not ready for any of that yet while it is in my nature to be prepared i just can t think past 12 weeks right now if through some miracle we make it that far then maybe i ll be ready it just feels too dangerous right now to get our hopes up i hate to complain about anything at this stage as i feel so lucky that things are going well but our first ob visit which given the good results should have been a positive experience left me and my husband both feeling terrible the ob himself was to our surprise very cold and impatient he wanted us to describe to him our entire medical history with dates again after we handwrote it on 2 different forms and provided the full records from our specialist it was clear he didn t read any of it he seemed almost bothered that we had such a complicated history with other doctors and didn t want to hear what we d gone through beyond the dates of my d c s the whole time i felt like he was impatient with us because we asked such specific questions that related to our case and history instead of fitting into some cookie cutter proces he had going for new patients whenever i either asked a question or gave too long of an answer he acted ticked off as if i d inter...