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Text of the page (random words):
nd and there may be some difficulty walking into those doors tonight i mean the thought had crossed my mind that i d be giving birth in the same place i had my d cs but i guess i was choosing to ignore it but now that i m facing it i m nervous walking through those doors where all i ve ever felt is sadness fear and grief may not be easy for me i remember after both surgeries having a hard time leaving the hospital what remained of our babies were no longer in me i was empty and i was leaving them behind in the fluorescent lights and medical waste receptacles not in my arms those moments still stand out to me i left my hopes and dreams behind in those sterile and cold walls going home was the last thing i wanted to do where only tears and devastation were waiting for me i know i have been given a gift to turn these experiences into something positive to make that hospital into one that will give us life instead of one that takes it away a gift that so many have unfairly not been given and i do not take that lightly i know that if i can get past the initial sadness it may give to me it will be followed with so much joy and love and for that i am deeply blessed nothing will take away from what i ve gone through nothing will erase the pain of those losses of having my babies so unfairly taken from me but tonight i will walk in focusing on the little being inside of me the one that is still thriving and growing the one that fought so hard to be here while remembering the ones that came before her it s time for me to reclaim my hopes and dreams and finally take them home with me comments 10 comments categories fear miscarriage pregnancy 28 weeks and blessed 6 aug i never thought i would be here greeting the third trimester of a pregnancy in a few short weeks i will get to meet the baby i have worked so hard for for years i still can t believe it s happening there are times even now that i look down at my belly and think for sure it s someone else s body i m looking at but i m reminded quickly with a jab from a little girl inside that it is indeed mine this baby who creates the ripples in my stomach and keeps me up at night already she s mine after the depths of a grief i didn t know existed i m here i have no idea how i got here but i did we re going to have a baby thank you so much to those of you that have checked in on me i m forever grateful to you and feel honored that you even still think about me i had been wanting to write an update and your inquiries was just the nudge i needed so here i am 28 weeks insane i m afraid my past few posts may have led you to believe that this has all been so easy for me i meant every word that i said but you should know that that certainly hasn t been the case the entire time around week 21 the fear that i had kept at bay for most of my pregnancy kept stealthily creeping in and i found it more and more difficult to push it away i think being so close to vitality and with my track record from the previous 4 pregnancies i thought for sure it would end before i made it there i couldn t get it in my head that this pregnancy was different that from the moment i hit 11 weeks this was a whole new ball game for me tim was understandably frustrated with me during this time because i had made so much progress and all of a sudden it seemed like i was reverting back to my fears of the past two years torturing myself all over again but that feeling of doom is a hard thing to shake after years of it being my reality i knew what really happened to people in this world i knew not to believe a happy ending was a given but after a few weeks of that ever familiar fear then finally hitting that 24 week milestone i made a choice to believe that this was going to happen i didn t want to feel that way any longer 3 years of it had been enough and i was tired this little being inside deserved for me to believe she d be coming to me in a few months after all she had fought to be here too and i needed to start acknowledging that there are some mornings i wake up thinking it must have all been a dream not in a woe is me way just a moment of in between consciousness where i m not sure of reality just yet i figure when i look in the mirror i ll for sure be empty once again then i feel her kick and kick and kick and kick and i am overcome with gratitude the body that i felt had betrayed me for years is continuing to prove to me that all along i just needed to believe that it would happen every single day i feel blessed that i have been given another day of this pregnancy and refuse to take it for granted even when i tore my abdomen muscle a few weeks ago ouch and was frustrated in my body i still felt blessed my muscles were weak because of my growing belly and as much as it pissed me off that i was in pain a lot of freaking pain i was in pain because of my baby the baby i had fought for for so long i could take a little more pain over the past couple of months i ve looked back through my archives here and have been awestruck by what i went through i honestly don t know how i made it through all that fear and gut wrenching sadness then i think of all the women still in the midst of that hell and my heart stops i don t know why it is i was chosen to be here i constantly blown away by that blessing and after years of time moving in slow motion these months are flying by at a speed i m not accustomed to before i know it i ll be holding this baby in my arms and a whole new adventure will have begun and i can hardly wait i have a feeling i ll be back here a few more times before the end of october i d especially like to write out how i m feeling about the coming birth and this space has always been the best outlet for that but right now i need to try and get some sleep as it s been hard to come by these past few weeks thanks again for checking in on me you are all amazing and i m constantly praying each and every one of you get to know this feeling you all deserve it so much as if it were that easy ha comments 14 comments categories finally joy me me me me pregnancy thankful 18 weeks 4 days 30 may i just wanted to pop in to let anyone who is still out there know that the baby and i are doing really well we just had our anatomy scan and everything looks just as it should be and it s a girl i just feel so relieved after the appointment tim held me and i just couldn t stop crying it s finally happening all that heartache and grief all those years of loss and thinking this will never happen and we re finally here i know there s still 20 more weeks to go but i ve made it this far we ve made it this far maybe now this will start to feel real for the past few months it has felt like it was happening to someone else even though it s my belly that s growing i ve been in it mentally from the very beginning i ve been present and happy but it still felt feels surreal like after years of loss how can this finally be happening but it is that s our little girl inside who flutters around at night and gets stronger every day she ll never erase the past two years but i know she ll make them worth it she already has it s still hard to imagine we ll be bringing a baby home in october but i feel like that s okay one day at a time and today there s joy sending all of you love and strength i hope each and everyone of you gets to feel this happiness in one way or another i believe you will love courtney comments 24 comments categories finally joy pregnancy thankful five pregnancies two and half years two hundred posts 27 apr tomorrow i ll be 14 weeks 14 weeks it seems surreal it s hard for me to believe that i m not still stuck in the first trimester as i was for two and a half years last week i entered my very first second trimester in five pregnancies i ve had my genetic pre screening done and everything looked fantastic the baby is even measuring a few days ahead which is definitely a first for me the tests all came back negative with the downs chance basically non existant who would ve thought we could make a genetic superstar i ve had many chances to take a peak at the little one waving and kicking up a storm my last one just yesterday and it never gets old i thank this little baby every single night for growing stronger every day for beating the odds to still be here today i put my hand on my belly and even though i can t feel him or her just yet i feel life i realize that makes me sound crazy but every time i start to worry i press my fingers to where he or she is and i feel butterflies after all my heartache it s the best thing in the world forget genetic superstar this baby is a superstar plain and simple i feel like i ve let many of you down by not being able to come to this space something happened before this pregnancy a shift in my thoughts that revealed i was ready to step away from the everyday interactions in this world my sanity needed me to step away i honestly believe it has helped me navigate this pregnancy as well as i have this world has been my safe haven my strength my release my support i can never forget that for four devastating pregnancies all of you have been there for me some of you strangers some of you now friends for life others family and friends in this with me in the real world as well i will never be able to thank you enough this space has given me so much over the years and i m proud of the woman this world has helped me become she s a badass in my eyes in fact you re all badasses to me we navigate these murky waters with nothing but fractions of hope and the unwavering support of others in the trenches with our hearts pulling on us and the rest of the world telling us we re crazy but we come here and we re not crazy we pee on a thousand and one sticks and end up finding someone else who peed on a thousand and two because of this world i found inside this little screen i dove into a fifth pregnancy with no proof it would be any different than the other four i gave myself one more chance at this and knew that if it didn t work out i d be okay i ve learned that here i ll be okay i will never turn my back on this world it s who i have become and who i will always be but because of how much i care for the other women here and how much i can feel myself in their shoes this space and this world is different for me right now if i find myself visiting the stories so similar to mine with pain so incredibly raw and familiar i can no longer separate this pregnancy from the others and it needs to remain different for me in order to make it to the other side for two and half years i was not myself i was pulled under by grief and anxiety and i m ready to be lighter and present i experienced a hell i never thought i would have to live through and for now and hopefully forever i feel like i m coming out of the cloud but my thoughts are still with all of you rooting for you from the sidelines i ll always be there even if you can t see me i m the one screaming the loudest telling you you can do it even when you think you can t telling you how i understand how painful it is but you ll be able to make it through i can promise you that there s still not proof this pregnancy will be different but in my gut it feels like it is if i look past the fear that creeps in here and there my heart tells me this one is different even if the worst happens i have a confidence i never had the previous four times that i will make it through to the other side somehow because of what you all have given me four losses one currently thriving pregnancy two and a half years 200 posts insane love courtney p s even though i may not come to this space very often or sadly visit yours even less please email me at any time i m still here bodegablissblog at gmail dot com comments 19 comments categories community joy me me me me pregnancy thankful uncategorized where i ve been 20 mar alright everyone this is going to be a long one so you might want to get comfortable maybe even grab yourself some water i ll wait are you back okay let s get on with it shall we it may not be my best piece of writing but there s a lot to cover so here we go a little over two months ago my boss handed me some sample job descriptions for a position he wanted to hire for and asked that i put one together to post as i m reading over the samples i quickly realize all of the parts of my job that i love will soon be taken from me and given to a new person i went home pissed and hurt how did he not think of me first had i not succeeded at the majority of these responsibilities and more tim thankfully took me out for a drink to help me get some perspective yes i had a right to be mad but at the same time i needed to fight for it i went home and wrote out all the reasons why i felt like i should have the position listing all of the accomplishments i ve had over the last three years to further my point i was determined to make my case for the new position the next day my boss asked me if i had had the chance to look over the samples and i said that yes i had looked over them and that i wanted the job he was taken aback that possibility hadn t even occurred to him i outlined my points and he said he would think about it a week or so later he told me to put together the job description for me to fill it i was excited and scared and proud of myself for fighting for the position unfortunately what quickly came with the promotion was the fact that i would be doing two jobs for over a month before we could hire someone to take over the duties i would no longer be doing what followed were weeks of late nights and days filled with not even a minute to breathe and all of a sudden i found myself with a job that kept me up at night worrying about the things i had to do i was afraid i would fail and be out of a job as a result in the middle of all of this tim and i attended an information session on california s foster care program an hour or so into the meeting we knew it wasn t for us for reasons i don t feel like getting into right now because this post will be long enough it just didn t sound like something we would have the energy to do nor did we think it would be fair to his daughter my step daughter at the end of the session we met with a social worker who ran the foster to adopt program for the county she explained the process and as she was speaking it was as if a light turned on it sounded like something that could really work for us i knew it was on the table as an option when tim started asking questions and just like that our world opened up and there was a back up plan i felt like that piece of the puzzle the lack of a back up plan was the final weight pressing down on my heavy shoulders i walked out that door and the weight was gone finally for years now i was burdened with the very real reality that i may never be a mother in the past adoption had never been on the table for us due to the cost so in my mind my only option was to succeed at a pregnancy with my history that fel...