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ut online in messages and on the phone that was the first betrayal of that magnitude i had ever experienced and it shook me to my core and i don t think i ever have gotten completely over it i would have shared that i dated here and there with a few girls over the next year or so but the pain from the betrayal really didn t allow me to be able to fully trust anyone so i stopped dating for a while between 2006 and 2008 i would have shared that 2008 2011 years were another life changing moment for me as i would go through being laid off from ford in june 2008 being laid off from my contract house in december 2008 enduring emasculating soul crushing confidence destroying unemployment from december 2008 to december 2010 and then losing my house to foreclosure in august 2011 i would have shared that it took me from january 2011 to september 2011 to get some sense of my confidence and masculinity back when it came time to think about dating again and that is when i met someone off match again and we dated for a couple months but we knew early on that we were not a long term match and i was not fully recovered getting back my confidence and masculinity at least when it came to dating and that affected her happiness in the relationship i think she actually was attracted to many things about me even physically but what turned her off to me was my lack of being fully confident in myself her suggesting we watch the movie out of my league where the overall message was i was happy with you but you weren t happy with you and that s why we didn t work out but of course instead of taking that as a lesson to get myself back to confidence in myself again i ended up taking the wrong lesson from that experience i let her rejection of me ruin my confidence even more and that s pretty much what led to giving up on dating altogether and just assuming that it was too late for me 35 years old and not married after planning early in life to be married by 25 and having children by 30 i dated one other time in 2015 but then gave up for good after that if after all that my date wasn t running for the door i could have also got into the reason why i recently decided to put myself back out there and try again could have told her about my visit to the hospital er in january 2021 for bell s palsy high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes and all the progress i ve made and confidence and perspective i have gained in the 3 years since both physically and regarding my outlook on life but really who knows how she would have taken the vulnerability download and sharing all my history with her that actually may have been what would have cemented in her mind that she did not want a second date with me after the rest of the date went so poorly or maybe it could have turned the date around and that was her number one thing she was looking for was a guy to be vulnerable like that and want to connect with her on a deeper level unfortunately i ll never know i just wish i had been able to share all that with her because i think it would be much easier dealing with being rejected when i was completely open and myself with someone rather than being rejected without showing someone my true self and not even giving a fair shot to developing any intimacy or a connection anyway maybe i ll search for miracle max and ask him if he has any miracle pills i can take to revive my mostly dead but not all dead hopefully dating prospects going forward as he says true love is the greatest reason of all to live one s life and i think that is the biggest thing i have learned from this experience including the anguish of the past week of wishing i had been able to show her the best version of myself on the date i ve learned that i miss and desire this intimacy again i guess i will find out eventually if this experience will be the nail in the coffin of my potential love life or a learning experience and just an obstacle on the broken road i need to follow to true love august 31 2024 11 36am posted by michael in mi life love relationships romance stephanie life love relationships romance comments off on humiliations galore our definitions of love i had a lunch date recently first official date with someone local since 2011 you can imagine how it went no it s not like riding a bike at least it was not for me stop progressing in your social interactions especially dating for 13 years and you re not going to be as smooth with it as you had been previously and i wasn t all that smooth 13 years ago the details aren t important she was a very kind person part of what attracted me to her in the first place and while i would have liked to have had a second date to see if i had gotten my nervousness out of the way during our lunch and could have had a better second date she was kind enough to let me down gently saying she didn t feel a connection with me i don t blame her i was such a nervous wreck i was rambling about anything and everything all while sitting there completely self conscious about everything regarding the way i looked in the end i think a big part of the lack of connection is she was not attracted to me in person we met on match last week and had messaged and talked on the phone and bonded enough to see how things would go in person i speculate that she may have been able to forgive my nervous rambling had she at least found me somewhat attractive but it is what it is so i got back on the bike but proceeded to wiggle and wobble run into a large rock flip over my handlebars and fall flat on my face going to take a bit to get over that crash and burn that said some of the conversation i felt was good and one of the things we talked about was different definitions of love after i got home even with recovering from my badly bruised ego i was inspired to think about exactly what my definition of love is some of it was easy but some i had to ponder a bit i ve written about topics related to love for years and almost all my poetry is inspired by past loving relationships but after giving up on it all 10 years ago i had not really given the topic much thought as to what it means to me now below is what i came up with after a bit of inspiration that ironically hit me after a bad first date so you got me thinking about the definition of love or rather my definition of love not sure if i have ever thought about it too deeply or written it down or explained it out loud to anyone and when you say definition of love i assume you were talking about romantic love i do think there is a difference between romantic love and falling in love i think people can fall in love very easily and based on a lot of different sometimes superficial things obviously i think it starts with physical attraction and attraction to who they are as a person work they do philosophy on life how they treat others sharing similar interests i think a lot of falling in love is based on emotion and sometimes we don t even choose who we do or don t fall in love with there s sometimes just some deep connection or emotion that stirs something inside us when we re with the person or thinking about the person and that leads to falling in love with them falling in love i think also comes from how someone makes us feel or things they do for us that we cherish or qualities we just greatly admire in them as a person or even something as simple as how they kiss or how they touch us or the overall physical chemistry we have with them but i think romantic love goes beyond that i think love is more than a feeling it s also an action like the that awkward moment summary of what a relationship is all about loving someone is just being there when they need you it s wanting to be there when they need you you want to be that person for them to take their pain away or at least share the pain so they do not have to suffer as much love is truly caring about their life and what is important to them in their life love is wanting to celebrate their joy and happiness love is wanting to share your own joy and happiness with them and love is wanting them to be there with you during your own highs and lows in life love is also showing respect patience and understanding respecting boundaries respecting differences of opinion respecting their independence respecting their expertise in things respecting their vulnerabilities and understanding when they need you to show that respect and love is also about wanting to express that love to them in every way you can think of to make them feel loved small gestures grand gestures tender moments passionate physical moments i m sure there is much more to love than that but that s what this bit of inspiration brought out of me at the moment august 25 2024 10 59am posted by michael in mi inspiration life love relationships romance life love relationships romance comments off on our definitions of love i can never be my former self but i can be the best version of my current self i have realized that i have lost myself through the years thanks to allowing others opinions of me to define who i am and have allowed circumstances in life to change my perception of things and of myself and for no good reason as the saying goes it s not what happens to you it is how you react and deal with what happens to you that matters i have been trying for the past few months to get back to the person i was before i let life s obstacles and people s cruel opinions take the best of me and then i turned into a person that i didn t like anymore and who others didn t like either which is why i ended up driving them away so bit of self reflection always good for the soul i think i wrote that in reply to a friend on facebook the other day and in response to it she replied to me you cannot go back to the person you were i initially was defensive and thinking wait a minute sure i can and then i stopped and thought about it a little deeper and i ended up replying to her thusly you know my first reaction to you saying that i cannot go back to the person i was was going to be sure i can watch me do it and then i thought about it more and you re right i can never go back to being the completely naive innocent happy go lucky immature person i was up until about age 25 29 because i cannot erase life experience and how it all affected me in good ways and bad from then until now but i can at least try to become a better version of my current self and i can do that by tapping into the person that i was before feeding the good wolf again instead of feeding the bad wolf as i have been doing for way too long august 19 2024 9 58pm posted by michael in mi inspiration life love life love relationships comments off on i can never be my former self but i can be the best version of my current self better to abandon oneself to destiny the torment of precautions often exceeds the dangers to be avoided it is sometimes better to abandon oneself to destiny someone i follow on x posted this quote from napoleon bonaparte earlier today and it hit home pretty hard for me as did this ai summary of the quote that i found after doing a google search to confirm the quote was real and correctly attributed to napoleon bonaparte the quote is about how the need to anticipate and predict all problems can be its own kind of hell and that it can be better to just leave things to fate boy does that describe much of my life the past 25 years or so pretty much sums up my life to this point i have spent much of the past 25 or so years in a kind of hell of hesitation and inaction in certain areas of life due to being stuck in my own head worried about all the problems which may or may not arise if i decided to do certain things the most common of these situations has of course been in my social life specifically when dealing with the prospect of talking with girls whether in person or only knowing them online heck i am going through the same hell now while trying to determine if i should reach out and make the first contact with girls women i find interesting on match i worry about everything that could possibly go wrong they won t find me attractive they won t find me interesting they ll be put off by the fact i have not dated for 19 years save for 2 months in late 2011 and haven t had sex in over 20 years who knows if i even remember how to do it i won t live up to their expectations of a 48 year old man and where he should be in life e g financial status physical appearance goals in life sense of purpose in life sexual prowess etc of course this is nothing new i did this with amy and kacey and amanda back in college in 1998 1999 girls i only knew through talking to them on aol and the phone but with whom i had developed a connection and chemistry and bond i thought numerous times about flying to new york to meet kacey or driving to wisconsin to meet amy or making a trip to virginia to meet amanda but i never made serious plans there was always something holding me back keeping me from just going for it taking the chance and letting the chips fall where they may part of it was immaturity in some ways i was just coming into my own in dealing with relationships with girls and i think it was easier when things with us were at a distance even though i wished we could easily be together and have a relationship in person but in each case being with any of them was going to take immense work and effort even with just the first meeting and then there was the multiple worries about what happens next would she like me would she reject me if she did like me then what would happen next and what would we need to do in the future to keep things going if she rejected me what would become of us in the future would i lose the close connection and bond and friendship i had formed with her after experiencing that loss with jen so recently back then i think i was fearful of going through that again so i was extra cautious to not do anything that may jeopardize what we already had of course looking back now while i may not have jeopardized what we had in the short term i definitely jeopardized everything long term and that of course has led to numerous regrets 25 years later which going back to the quote is its own kind of hell and it s one you can never escape because you cannot fix your regrets especially those from decades ago and especially when they have to do with relationships or friendships which faded away into non existence long ago which is why looking back it would have been much better to just abandon myself to destiny no matter what had happened when i went to meet amy or kacey or amanda or all three at least i would not now be counting them as regrets in my life i could look back and say that what happened with us was destiny but at least i had made my own destiny instead the torment of precautions has now turned into the torment of regrets which is also its own kind of hell august 8 2024 2 49pm posted by michael in mi amy life love relationships romance destiny life love relatio...
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