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rlds at about age seven or eight and it was rife with tough women gender role and sexual dimorphism reversed cultures of strapping warrior women and delicate domestic men and lands of strapping warrior dudes in skirts i remember watching a documentary about david reimer i read his biography last year to finally get the full story after my childhood recollections and wow that was fucking awful and another one about a transman around the ages of nine or ten and i was absolutely riveted by the entire concept i had a stage of adolescence where i daydreamed about marrying a transman or having a husband who transitioned mtf i daydreamed about my ninth grade male crush having boobs and wearing a v neck blouse and thinking it would look pretty good then there were all the times i did things that were considered masculine and got called tomboy and she male in middle school all the discomfort radiating from my father when i did not conform to the expression of womanhood of his own mother my own conception of my femininity was so radically different from everyone else s sure i liked wearing dresses and jewelry sometimes but the rest of the time i didn t shave and i never wore makeup i was direct and had a strong handshake it doesn t seem like much to me but i got pinged with tiny signals from people all the time that i was doing girlhood in an uncomfortably wrong way and still still i managed to set up some kind of belief that genders should match sex and people who felt otherwise should just accept it i remember a conversation in college with a classmate who was an lgbtq activist and playing the pronoun game her using the pronouns that people identified with me trying to use the pronouns associated with biological sex and her just shaking her head at me my boyfriend at the time tried to explain it and it would just not get through i loved genderbending and i saw gender through a lens of whatever someone was passionate about whether it was baking or dancing or sports and in a female bodied person that was their femininity and if they were a male bodied person that was their masculinity the layers and switch backs in the protective maze of my denial were extraordinary it took facing that not only was my expression of feminity and womanhood often the reverse of what i saw around me but that there was a man in me too i m still not really sure what it all means but i ve stopped trying to figure it out sometimes i feel like a woman sometimes i feel androgynous sometimes i feel like neither and my masculine self is often an internal sense i don t present i usually choose clothes based on function sometimes based on aesthetics and occasionally a gendered aesthetic then i was angsty as fuck now i am so over the sheer amount of energy it takes to angst i suppose in the west angsting is considered the prerogative of the young my ego would have liked it if i had been above it and my ego would now like to believe i m above it now which is of course not true i have my moments i kvetch i snark i have my times where i feel put upon and downtrodden but i got tired of it yes people can be victimized by other people by policy by cultural paradigms it happens far to often and it s very real and we all have to deal with the consequences and work for change but we can also victimize ourselves we can internalize the sense of our victimization until it becomes an identity until it shapes our lives and it can prevent us from enjoying them yes i had to grow up feeling that i am not safe because of the shape of my body i had to grow up feeling that it was not okay to be me because that isn t what girls are supposed to be do i had to grow all the way to adulthood believing there was something sick and wrong about me because of my desires i grew up in an environment of heavy emotional verbal violence with the threat of physical violence but i was not directly physically or sexually abused and my basic needs including love and support were met much of the time as an adult i do still have to deal with the lingering trauma of having experienced those things and the attitudes and dangers still present today i can spend my emotional energy healing through all that or i can spend my emotional energy being stuck in it i choose the latter except when i don t because psychological patterns they re tricksy as of right now i do not live in a national context where i will be executed mutilated raped or imprisoned just for being who i am and expressing myself i do live in a national context where i could lose employment relationships child custody and possibly be imprisoned if i got on the shitlist of someone in power with very narrow values who misinterprets something i do or express i think it can and should be better and i actively put my energy into changing that but given some of the more heinous alternatives i can deal with the threats i face i m an adult i am fortunate enough to have resources at my disposal i can carry my emotional safe space with me i can take care of myself and i can meet my own needs sometimes that s hard and frustrating and i yearn but i always strive and i find ways of meeting my needs in small ways in places i don t expect the dominant culture and femdom are still fucked but that doesn t mean i have to be share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on _________ opens in new window _________ more email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading leave a comment from the status of quo 6 year retrospective part 1 july 29 2014 it s been six years since i started this blog opened myself to my sexuality and started exploring the kink bdsm community i ve evolved my perceptions have changed or deepened or become more nuanced more revealed all in cycles some of the changes seem so radical i wanted to do a post comparing then and now but it got long really quickly so i m breaking it up into a few posts i m going to start with some of the lighter simpler changes and then get into the heavier more complex topics then i had never had an orgasm and now technically i had three or four in sex dreams before having had my first intentional orgasm but i m not counting them because i didn t know what they were it took me a year of trying to have an orgasm and would definitely still classify it as one of the biggest let downs of my life the great golden carrot of the life long monogamous hetersexual marriage i was raised to look forward to turned out to be bullshit it took a couple years but i did start enjoying orgasms as opposed to just needing them then i was a virgin and now well define sex the first time i had had any kind of sex was receiving oral sex from my mentor and that was definitely giving away a virginity for me i ve only had a couple partners but i ve been sexual in various ways with other people i ve had some fabulous sex that most people wouldn t even remotely classify as sex had a ton of vaginal intercourse that wasn t really sex to me and done some things with partners and non partners that might leave some people wondering was it sex or wasn t it i have also had more so called vanilla sex than i ever want to have again then i thought i was straight now i realize i m queer pansexual this was mostly a relic of growing up christian and thinking the gay was not something mr i want all the worshippers to myself intended because hey leviticus that and a homophobic parent i got over that when i dropped the christianity or maybe a little before i can t remember but because my desire is fairly biased toward maleness masculinity i think i just assumed i was straight but there were other indicators that i missed along the way like adolescent daydreams about marrying trans people also a guilty teenage fascination with yaoi also early fantasies about the naked lady slaves my attraction to various genders fluctuates and isn t distributed equally i m still pretty heavily into various combinations of maleness and or masculinity but the submisive variety but i m also attracted to all manner of other genders providing sexual and personality compatibility the category i m probably least attracted to is women though i did spend almost an entire year feeling almost entirely androgynous and almost entirely asexual and then i was absolutely and utterly into women go figure then i had fantasies now i have experience early on i was understandably very fixated on articulating and otherwise enthusiastically expressing my fantasies it was a way to get them out of me to have the release and relief of sharing them mostly uncensored with actual live people without the fear of doing so face to face to people i knew it was so freeing and so validating to not only read other people s similar desires but have them comment on my posts saying hey me too now i don t have a huge level of experience which is to say not as much as i d like but i d say my experience level is moderate when compared to what i want it to be reality does not always provide the high or the specificity that fantasy does but it is real the people are real the skin is real beneath my hands the flesh between my teeth someone s orgasm within my body the shuddering expressions and purring of approval and hisses of displeasure the scratches and welts and rope marks and always always bound hands straining to touch me as i fuck my partner playing with people feeds me in a very real way when i started in the scene again last year and started playing again after a long hiatus i told some of my confidants it s incredibly nourishing like air or food i knew this already but expressing it out loud really highlighted how long i d gone without there were sound reasons for that i had a lot of other personal growth type things to do but it was a long long fast even when my partner did some things to please me it was totally and absolutely not the same i still have the fantasies i had when i started but they no longer dominate the landscape of my desire in the same way they did some have become refined to realistic proportions as i learn more about what i want some i still want to experience but only in roleplay some no longer do it for me in the same way due to reasons i ll get into later share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on _________ opens in new window _________ more email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading 2 comments from the status of quo trying the scene again july 26 2014 tags bdsm bdsm community d s dominance and submission female domination femdom kink community male submission mansub s m sadomasochism the scene so i ve been participating in the scene again for almost a year now i went in as a young unpartnered female queerish genderfluid but non presenting dominant sadistic toppish person with a stake in femdom and sadist identities i went in with a firm knowledge that the scene was not going to live up to my standards and that i was going to take the good parts for what they were worth anyway i was ready i was tired of settling for mostly vanilla acts of intimacy after having done a lot of growing and gone through some profound life crisis i was ready to be seriously proactive in getting my needs met the disappointing parts of the scene are still disappointing the assumptions stereotypes and discrimination s are still there i haven t been around long enough to pick out the skeletons shoved in the closets but i know they re there but going in with the attitude that i was going to navigate that as authentically and in the best integrity that i could has allowed me to enjoy the good parts more namely that there are well populated spaces where i can be my sexual orientation and talk about it and it be taken for granted instead of met with surprise confusion fear and disgust that there are respectful intelligent thoughtful fun people who want to play with me i ve been in two different cities which has given me a nice little triangular pool to draw comparisons and contrasts with the first regional scene i experienced one city was a large metropolitan area in an extremely conservative american state because of that i didn t expect it to be a megalopolis of bdsm but it was which had some awesome benefits they had two dungeons and usually two or three events to go to a week minimum huge rope scene two groups dedicated to femdom two one was high protocol fetishista style i never ended up going but i had started the process to at least experience it despite my instinctive bleagh sentiments the other was just well intentioned and highly awkward which was really unfortunate for everyone involved and i think especially for the people i met there who were just starting to explore their mansub femdom desires but it was there that i found a really awesome couple to play with they were a couple of rungs above me in the generation scheme and coming from a different life context but we just played together really well they were more along the s m part of the spectrum than the d s with perhaps some d s flavor thrown in he was a super fun reactive masochist and she was a super playful sadist and beating on him together was fantastic there was another couple i played with a few times as well both of them slightly younger with me they were more d s and i ended up connecting in play more with the sub in the couple and being more friends with the dom but still a really great experience in retrospect i feel really fortunate tha i had those relationships even if they only lasted a few months because they were really positive experiences to have just coming back into the public scene i also found out that it can be super fun to play with couples because they know each other and you get part of an insider s perspective right away when playing and they got a sexy extra to mix things up the second local scene that i m currently participating in is much much smaller and held in a small progressive city in a more generally conservative region there are no dungeons here because there are no consent laws basically boxers can legally beat the crap out of each other but you can t legally consent to being beaten for love and leisure that means that instead there are private public parties which offer more legal protections this means less access to a large playspace and equipment but you can have sex there and there are some safeguards in place in terms of who can attend while this sounds like a good idea the vetting process is pretty spotty so who knows what it actually does to safeguard anyone also it s a huge pain in the ass if you ve been a part of the scene before and you know you re a safe and respectful player and you know how dungeon etiquette works but don t happen to be a national presenter or something so you have to go about proving it all over again befo...
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