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Text of the page (random words):
ouble rolled and a ball cap on standing up to put his shirt on looking somehow angelic and triangular beautiful and sick all in one 10 he learned to cry for me surely someone tell my heart that that counts he read my memes and learned about how hard life is on women he stopped loving his favorite movies because i pointed out the sexism and now he notices too like c mon he s got enough tallies in his column work dammit fall in love this entry was posted in poetry writing and tagged boyfriend love new poems poetry ten poems writing on november 13 2022 by some bad plankton ten poems for my early fall leave a reply on my human experience 1 my boyfriend filled all the holes in the real oak wooden floor with white caulk when he visited i bought him flowers and i killed the spiders i told him now nice he was to come and visit and that he had to deal with the landlord and the wood flooring 2 i told my dad about my ovarian cysts and how i m limited in my medical options because i get migraines with flashes he told me he didn t know i got migraines and that did i know he got migraines and then told me for ten minutes how he gets rid of migraines and for the first time as an adult i realized my dad is still just a bit sexist 3 union boy said to me i m sorry to be flippant but that s what they all say all the professors say your activism work will hurt your research time and make it harder to publish so harder to get a job but he missed the part where i told him it was my advisor that said that my friend my mentor my advisor who got me into this world in the first place who told me that i have to be careful about activism work he missed the part about the thing being about me and not a cause 4 someone told me to think about the space you take up in a room and ask whether you take up too much space and i thought there are two out of eleven white men in this space and if i asked them they would say they don t take up too much space but it is always them who talk 5 i had to go to a new therapist after i moved they ask you to pick out three people from the website you d like to talk to this was not made by an anxious person or a person who s brain works differently because it took me four days and two more tries to call back with names and by then i couldn t meet with anyone until october and no one on my list was available 6 can i eat a bowl of cheese tortellini like chips is that a thing other people do i didn t put sauce on them or anything i just well maybe the larger point is here that i ve lost the will to take care of myself 7 i sat down with my free panera sandwich i ordered from their group cart website in front of the dean of the students to say you have a chance to do better here i ve had a miscarriage and you need to guarantee time off for students who have miscarriages and i had to leave right afterwards to go to another meeting 8 i told the professor man who was voluntelling us to organize a conference that all this work he s asking for is taking time away from our research and it might be in our contracts but we re not getting paid for it he said we should be happy for the opportunity and happy for the chance to learn how to run a conference someone else said maybe we can track the hours we spend working on this conference and take it to them next year as evidence that we need a stipend to do this work and i was jealous she was able to so eloquently express what i was getting at without being hostile like me 9 i texted my brother has our sister always been this judgmental yes he said it s why i don t share on calls i didn t protect him at all did i even if that wasn t supposed to be my job 10 i bought a new red dress from macy s and boots and a long striped knit cardigan i can t really afford it but it made me happy i m not sure if that s good or bad but it happened and i can add the moral judgement later this entry was posted in poetry writing and tagged family love new poems poetry ten poems union writing on october 1 2022 by some bad plankton ten poems for a hotter july leave a reply 1 i can t quite believe he s really sitting over there on the couch as a boyfriend and we re living together and it s going well he cannot be real like sixteen year old me would have been thrilled that s all i wanted in the world to be wanted normal and accepted and a boyfriend was the key to all that now he sits there on the couch and he s all that i keep forgetting he s real when i get dementia in a couple years i will one hundred percent not remember his exists i m so used to it being just me 2 i did it all alone that was what i could tell myself about how much better i was than my sister well yes she did this and that but look at all i did all by myself i didn t have anyone to rely on it was just me except now it s not there s someone who comes in and asks me if there s anything he can do to help and now i don t know if it s better or worse and which is the hard way of the two 3 i thought it would get better after i got what i always wanted once i had someone who loved me for me and was supportive of my bullhonkey and mental illness was cute and had his shit together who would visit a taxidermy museum on a road trip with me but it s not my depression is still hanging around my anxiety still plagues and i keep telling myself it s not fair it s not fair this was supposed to fix me i just want to be normal 4 the down key on my keyboard is stuck you wouldn t think it d make that much of a difference but it does it makes excel sheets hell and every time i open my laptop and the key doesn t strike properly i think ah yes this this is the time when the misstriking key will break the camel s back 5 there are some words i just don t like so i don t use them and i frown when other people use them because they just don t sound right i have no explanation i act with instinct here but like damn that s such a terrible word 6 he walked in as i was writing these and i noticed how much i like the bridge of his nose where it bows out a little bit do other people like random parts of his face too how many times has someone sat next to him on the bus and thought how nice his nose bridge is or do you have to clock in a certain amount of hours spent looking in the vicinity of someone s face before you can start to say my what a nice nose bridge my good man 7 i do nothing all summer and think of all i could have been doing all i could have done instead of crying on the floor with a fan going in the window if other people were me they d be so accomplished by now if i were better than i am why am i not better than i am i would already have published and chosen a specific field and be doing radio spots filled with love and success and people citing me instead i can tell you how great the goodreads top twenty high fantasy romance novels are 8 my mom worries my brother doesn t sing enough to his son she thinks the baby won t be talking enough and you know she s already worried that the mother isn t quite the thing and doesn t quite talk enough to that beautiful baby girl i say mom it s probably okay and then the next day here i am worrying that her vocabulary is a little small 9 they want to know what to get me for my birthday when all i want is money i m moving across the country just give me the cash well no honey i want you to buy something frivolous instead just for you maybe some clothes you ve had your eye on like lady give me my free pass go tax and leave me alone here s a link to a sweater i say instead 10 it was even bad on vacation you know i was even having trouble getting out of bed on vacation like at that point it has to be not my fault right like i was going to get onion rings at a place i like and go to a bookstore that s prime i want to shower so i can go motivation and yet i was stuck on the bed with the water running for twenty minutes telling myself to get up and then saying well we don t have to shower we can just turn on the faucet then we can pull the curtain then we can not be such a failure my goodness this entry was posted in poetry writing and tagged free verse new poems poetry ten poems writing on july 2 2022 by some bad plankton ten poems for a rainy june leave a reply 1 he just wants to help me get out of this depression i think is what he means can i make you a checklist to get things done but i don t want to offer that because it wouldn t help in the long term i apologize for being broken he says it s okay will he stay when i m all better or will he leave when i m always broken 2 i can t move i open the fridge only to eat nothing because you have to cook everything in there so i don t eat all day and get a headache i d rather have a headache than eat celery and stew in my sadness 3 how can i explain to you what it is to be stuck i know to break it into smaller pieces i know to do one thing at a time i know i m already late and pushing it i m aware i know what to write and who to cite the work just isn t done can t you see that well it can just be a draft it doesn t have to be perfect done is better than nothing and i start crying the second i open the document tomorrow will be better and then all the tomorrows turn into mush and this was due in november and it s still not done 4 i broke the down key on my laptop from playing n64 games that one thing sounded like i could do it it was something i could do wanted to do and i was so happy to want to do something i went for it and i played so much i broke the down key on my laptop and i can t afford to get it replaced 5 my mom bought groceries for a lady from her church but not her daughter maybe she hasn t put it together that i m not working right now that i was told i have to get my other work done before i get a job so i have no income and can t afford groceries i told her but maybe she didn t process that she could give me money to buy meat instead of a stranger because it feels more jesusy that way 6 she told us she doesn t like it when we end a call and she s not happy i told her that is her emotion to handle she said that s why i m telling you i cut off the conversation because i ve never figured out how to tell my mom to be an adult 7 there s a woman in my program i don t like just flat out don t like one of those who doesn t quite do things for the right reason not in a bad way in a way that isn t okay if you want to be a good person and it makes me just a little nervous we don t ask nasty questions of each other in this program we don t offer criticism if it s not building something and i don t see anyone checking her and that makes me nervous 8 i keep hearing the same thing in my head well then maybe you re not cut out for graduate school each time i miss a deadline and end up lying on the floor because i m so sad i can t shower we value your mental health they have on a banner in green over the doorway but make no accommodations for disabilities in their program timelines it s me it s me that doesn t fit in here who s not good enough 9 they gave me a megaphone did i tell you they gave me a megaphone at the rally and i got the best compliment i ve ever gotten in my life she said i think you were the only one of us who didn t need that megaphone 10 my sinuses ache and i m so sick of brown carpet he made us soup that tastes like bean skins he doesn t keep butter in the refrigerator there are beard hairs by the sink there are batman mats on the floor and i hate this brown carpet but other than that the living together is going okay this entry was posted in uncategorized and tagged poems poetry ten poems writing on june 12 2022 by some bad plankton ten poems for march leave a reply 1 please just love him body why can t you work right he s perfect perfect for you just the right amount of flaws perfect he s such a good man mom warned me when i told her she said if you marry a man who you don t love want to have sex with love you ll meet someone you do and you ll have an affair and run away together trust me as a divorce lawyer i said mom i don t know if i m even capable of that kind of love when have you ever seen me go head over heels 2 we listened to whitney houston and drove to get slushies and we took a detour so i could tell him about fleetwood mac and have him listen to silver springs and go your own way with all the context it s like layla is never as good a song until you know he was in love with george s wife 3 they re going on their honeymoon before they get married i find this weird then i find it weird that i find it weird for one minute i think i can move in the world without carrying notions about women and love just kidding no way look how judgey i can make you about a person s vacation 4 i said we ll go to the wedding if we re still together and they said are you thinking about breaking up i said no i m just bad at relationships 5 his mother wasn t happy apparently that he might move across the country with me i gave him this article about parentification and he was like yeah this is what my mom does so i think he s pulling away from her and i feel like a wedge to this invisible woman i ve never met who lives in his phone and calls him while we re eating 6 i called my favorite old friend to get an opinion because someone not the nice boyfriend exploded at me when i told them how i felt and he made a good point he said maybe you re not compatible as friends if you re having to work around them so much like you would a co worker maybe you re not compatible i told him that line about not wanting to be with people who make you edit your soul and then we talked about other things and i got to hear him laugh 7 why is it sexy to be on mute with your video off in a conference call kissing your boyfriend or making eyes or touching his body somehow it s just sexier checking that you re on mute for that instead of eating crackers too loudly 8 he told me he loved me almost in so many words he said can we use the l word now because he agreed to move across the country with me if i go to school in new york he thought it was time we had a good dinner out and he sat in the car with me and he said before you turn the car on i hid in the high wool collar of my black coat and said this is scary but i had been watching too much of the bachelor so things like falling in love with you made me suspicious 9 i can t get through the muck in my head to get anything done i spin my wheels and then cry about wasting time i take breaks on purpose that turn into day long hour watching i can t get out 10 i was not acting out of love i don t know how to tell someone they hurt your feelings and also act out of love this entry was posted in poetry writing and tagged family love new poems poetry the bachelor writing on march 17 2022 by some bad plankton ten poems about the boyfriend leave a reply 1 do i have other things to do today deadlines to not miss people not to let down well yes but instead i thought i d write to you about my boyfriend 2 i haven t gotten a chance to tell you about him...
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