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running to four different places on thanksgiving christmas easter mother s day father s day really and trully does not sound like something i want to do why when we get married is there always one side who never ever see s their family and one side that gets to control and manipulate every single holiday and important event in our lives this easter i said no hell to the no and you know what it was the best holiday ever calm and peace that is what i am striving to have in my life this year i am stepping on toes along the way but honestly i really don t care i want my kids to enjoy their holidays i want them to look back and have happy memories so if that means mommy has to step up and say hell no i am completely fine with that so hoppy easter a little late to you all comments 2 the green stuff that comes out of moms mouth april 22 2011 filed under uncategorized haveuseenmysanity 9 15pm04 the other day the hubs and i helped a good family friend move her furniture into storage we were left at the mercy of crazy 1 and crazy 2 to watch crazy 3 and crazy 5 for the afternoon while we moved before we left the hubs and i covered literally about every possible scenario for instance what do you do if crazy 3 decides to snack on dish detergent crazy 1 and crazy 2 both give the correct answer that they would call poison control immediately and then us so we could break a million traffic laws to get home we went over them not answering the door for anyone as we have had some really creepy telemarketers around our neighborhood lately btw if you are going to come to my door and ask me to donate to your cause if you are going to spin me some stupid sob story about growing up in the ghetto and how you desperately want to go to school yada yada yada do not come to my door reeking of weed and liquor seriously i will totally buy your story if you are clean cut and not slurring your words why because i am a total sucker for helping people that come to my door so the hubs and i seriously cover every emergency situation solution go over every possible emergency number and we leave we come back later and everything seems to have gone just perfect by perfect i mean the kids are all alive the house is still standing no one is bleeding or on fire hubs and i immediately realize that our kids rock and we are blessed and then two days later the hubs comes in the kitchen and asks hey were the boys out shooting their bb guns today i say uh no not today not this week why he says there are bb s everywhere there are bb s on crazy 5 s walker he goes in to talk to crazy 1 i call crazy 2 down to grill him like our whole devide and conquer thing yeah we do this because inevitably we will each get a different version of the story than we will bring both the offenders into the same room and perform the interrogation on them at the same time you know to see if their alibi s hold up or not the hubs comes back and says that crazy 1 and crazy 2 decided that it would be a great idea to shoot their guns on sunday while they were supposed to be watching crazy 3 and crazy 5 now our house rule has always been the same there are no shooting bb guns or airsoft guns in the backyard unless there is a parent at home kind of common sense wouldn t you think i begin to jam them up about how irresponsible they were you guys know better than to shoot your guns when we are not home you were supposed to be watching the little ones which means actually watching them what were the two little ones doing while you were shooting guns in the house by themselves what if they had gotten hurt you wouldn t have even heard them i am already angry and then as sweet and innocently and firm as can be crazy 2 says mom we didn t leave them in the house alone we brought them outside with us this is where swear to god green shit comes out of my mouth i look at crazy 2 and say so you mean to tell me that you and your brother thought it was a good idea to shoot your guns in the backyard with the two little ones out here all i get is a blank stare as if he is finally processing the error in his words i can almost hear the words running through his head shit shit shhhhiittttt needless to say both crazy 1 and crazy 2 have lost their guns indefinately and i don t think we will be trusting them to babysit for quite awhile comments 1 swear to god i m gonna start eating dinner with the dog february 16 2011 filed under uncategorized haveuseenmysanity 9 15am02 there s nothing like busting ass all day running to the store actually starting dinner in the afternoon the minute crazy 1 and crazy 2 come home it s the great dinner discussion makes me freakin insane crazy 1 2 hi mom what s for dinner i had a great day thanks for asking really mom spaghetti crazy 2 it s not that spaghetti with the sausage in it is it mom yup same spaghetti i always make crazy 2 oh but it s the oh with the ughhhhhh at the end of it crazy 1 sweet love your spaghetti mom makes silent air pumps jersey shore crew would be proud crazy 2 can t you make the spaghetti different mom really dude do you think this is a cafeteria long pause crazy 2 weellllll at school our cafeteria gives us two options for lunch everyday mom that s awesome start having dinner there sidenote bree our beloved little terrier gave her some dry ass kibble crap costs alot but smells like crap ate her food with not a single complaint think i m gonna start eating dinner with the dog she would have been more than happy to eat my spaghetti comments 1 along comes a rainbow february 11 2011 filed under uncategorized haveuseenmysanity 9 15pm02 happy birthday owen chase pearson love and hugs to the pearson family from the crawford family comments 1 cowgirl up december 4 2010 filed under uncategorized haveuseenmysanity 9 15pm12 i was reading a fellow blm s blog last night and it got me to thinking about friends friends to me are like the ocean they come into our lives calmly at times and then other times they just come crashing in on the rocks of our soul of our hearts and when they leave our lives they leave behind miscellaneous debris and remnants some of the items left behind are beautiful like a shell some not so much i feel each friend comes into our life at just the right time and probably leaves at just the right time i can count on one hand the true friends that i have i have tons of acquaintances but very few friends there just aren t too many people in this world that i will let into my space my life it takes alot for me to trust and when i do you re forever a part of my life part of my soul when you hurt me when you betray me i ll give you a few more chances to bitch slap me upside the head i guess you could say but when i am done i am done i walk away and never once look back losing ethan well i lost alot of people whom i thought were my friends i also lost some very close family relationships but i also walked away with some new amazing friendships i am grateful for those friendships not sure what the point of this post is other than to tell my dear friends you know who you are that i love you i cherish you i am grateful for your willingness to stick by my side no matter what wave comes crashing in on our worlds i hold you close to me the rest who just weren t strong enough who couldn t be my friend when the shit hit the fan you re but a wave that left slimy seaweed all along the coastline and the next wave will clear that shit out will wash it away to those of you reading this who has a friend facing tough times don t worry about saying the right thing don t worry about making a fool of yourself don t worry about calling too much hell show up with a bottle of rum and just be there but do something cowgirl up friends you have no idea what a difference this will make in your friends life comments 2 on a cloud of balloons november 19 2010 filed under uncategorized haveuseenmysanity 9 15pm11 yesterday was your second birthday sweet boy we bought balloons for you they had a number two on them and they were so beautiful i know you would have loved them we all baked you a birthday cake it was a funfetti cake with chocolate frosting of course we all had to try the batter before we baked it had to make sure it was just right right as the sun began to set we all went out into the front yard to release your balloons silently we all said our i love you s and sent our balloons up to you we all stood watching until the last balloon could no longer be seen and then we all went in and gathered around your birthday cake we each made a birthday wish for you closed our eyes and blew your candles out i would have given anything to have held you yesterday to have kissed your chocolate covered face i held it together pretty well and as the evening ended crazy 3 asked us how you got to heaven we were quiet as we searched for the right answer for him he was thinking too i could tell then he smiled and his face lit up this is what he said i bet he flies the balloons up to the sky and then gets on an airplane we all laughed and then a few minutes later crazy 3 asked how did ethan get his bike up to heaven for crazy 3 the worst thing in life would be to not have a bike and i thought it was precious that the worst thing in his little mind was the thought that his little brother didn t have his bike up in heaven so as we were trying to come up with an answer to that question as well he says i bet his bike went to heaven with a bunch of balloons we all laughed again i struggled yesterday fought back the tears and fell apart a couple of times ending the night thinking that ethan had simply caught a ride up to heaven on a cloud of balloons with his bike sure did make me smile happy 2nd birthday baby boy we love you comments 2 this club november 13 2010 filed under uncategorized haveuseenmysanity 9 15am11 i became a part of a very private and elite club almost two years ago there are no initiations there are no club fees no weekly meetings per say no special talents one most possess to be a part of it there are no special songs no secret handshakes no special member qualifications the only thing that makes you a part of this club is that you have had a child die no one looks to become a part of this club no one even wants to be in it once they are in it when your in your in forever i lost my son ethan in 2008 i had no idea where to turn or where to go for comfort all i knew was that i was broken so very broken and alone i reached out to the world wide web never thinking for a second that i would find the comfort or understanding that i so desperately needed but i did i found so many things hope love understanding support comfort friendship it s hard to explain these things to someone who has never been through such a loss hard to explain how you can grow to love someone you only know through reading a blog hard to put into words how you can connect with a persons pain and sorrow hard to explain how you can become so intertwined with a family my husband and i came back from vacation today i went to check the mail completely prepared to be greeted by the usual bills and junk mail instead i was greeted with a key a key that told me that someone had sent us a package that package held so much more than the person who sent it can even imagine our son ethan would be turning two on november 18th no one speaks his name anymore he was here then gone no one will ever know the sadness that fills our hearts every holiday every birthday each milestone brings with it new pain and new struggles ethan would be riding his bike outside with crazy 3 he would be chasing his brothers down the hall and getting into their toys there is only a whisper of where he was where he should be but no one speaks his name anymore and until you ve lost a child you cannot know the pain that brings i have a dear sweet friend i met in this club she sent us a box filled with love filled with comfort filled with understanding a birthday card for ethan s 2nd birthday my husband and i have never seen our sons name written on a birthday card as we read it together the tears rolled down our cheeks amazing how a simple birthday card can mean so much we saw his name on a christmas ornament it would be his second christmas this year we were sent a blanket it is wrapped around the cherry wood box that holds his ashes we were sent so many beautiful gifts the person who sent them probably has no idea how much these gifts meant to me to us to our family this person gave us so much with this gift so much love so much healing i love this person and i hope she knows that in this club no one wants to be in this club but i am so very grateful to be a part of it comments 2 did i interrupt your day doctor september 15 2010 filed under uncategorized haveuseenmysanity 9 15am09 so i am having some postpartum issues after having crazy 5 i know it s supposed to be all hush hush everything s great i m just fine well i m not great not fine i feel crazy some days actually i am irritable as all hell seriously my poor husband asked me if the dishes in the dishwasher were clean this morning oh hell to the no you would seriously have thought he asked me to literally wipe his ass for him i can see him walking very slowly when he comes anywhere near me and how freaking sad is that i cried a few days ago because crazy 3 got peanut butter on the counter right after i had cleaned it really i ve heard of crying over spilled milk but crying over smudged peanut butter wth i ve waited patiently before going in to see my doctor crazy 5 is going to 4 months old in a few days i have exercised not that it has helped me lose the weight since i have found a love for oreo s lots of em at about 10 00pm at night and chip s and salsa all day but whatever i ve tried the damn exercising i ve tried going to my happy place crap tried the deep breath crap too i finally went in on the 30th of august to see my ob i am so bad at asking for help always have been always will be i have tried to talk to a friend and a family member but in the end they really could give a shit so i have been trying to cope to make myself better yeah it s just not working so i went in to see my doctor i explained what i was feeling to this very day i am not really sure what the hell happened i know i went in i think i told him how i was feeling next thing i knew i was walking out of his office and his last response to me was something along the lines of do less cleaning buy paperplates um what the fuck what will killing more trees do to make me feel better as if my whole issue is the amount of dishes i have to every day um yeah go fuck yourself doctor dumbass so i have gone about my biznezzz for a couple more weeks my husband is still aproaching me like i am a wasps nest that the kids just threw a huge rock at not good i made another appointment with a woman doctor thinking she ll totally get it right wrong she walks in the door and does this siggggghhhhhhhh so what do you need um okay i am a total tomboy i...