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Text of the page (random words):
part of it and i m here dropping the ball in the midst in my own state of mind trying to fake it for him to have something that i once could give but can t anymore i feel defeated i feel like a horrible mom i feel empty the truth is he s 14 and growing up so fast that life is changing for him anyway it s that phase i am all too familiar with i know it well and have braced myself for it in the past i m open to those changes the quietness the distractions his interests changing feeling targeted because the options i give him are never the right ones or the cool ones i know the hormones are raging and he s finding his own skin i feel for him but want to give him the space to do it so to reiterate more change and my overwhelming feeling is sadness and nostalgia my retaliation to myself is to try to make as many memories as possible during this time we go on trips games concerts experiences as much as i can think of these are precious to me each moment i breathe it in and try to hold onto it as long as i can snap a quick shot of the scene just for my own records memory on my phone i know exactly how fast it is going to go and this is the last one so i m holding on for my life right now but this holiday mood has me feeling numb most of the time until it all has to come down and that s when the emotions take over it s like a wave of grief that i m familiar with as well i don t get any help but i don t want any help either unless it s the right person at the right time i don t know how to make this feel any different sometimes i wish i would have just told the girls they had to be home at christmas but that was something that i tried to raise them to know and want and that it went without saying and if they didn t come home then i failed at that part of raising them either way i hate taking down christmas decorations i m left alone with all of those handmade ornaments and photo ornaments i just had to make every year it s just me and them packing in place and closing the boxes and stacking them in their spots in the basement until it s time to do it all again next year posted by christy at 1 02 pm no comments sunday january 28 2024 growing sideways i don t feel like i m growing up anymore i am past that something clicked at that fucking 5 0 birthday that said it s time to be an adult now my expectations grew and my tolerance level tanked it s wreaked havoc on my marriage and here i sit dumbfounded at how i got here im at that moment where i m looking in the mirror and not knowing who i see raising kids has always been such a big part of my life the main part of my life and as the third one left for college i found myself with time and questions time to think for myself and about myself this is true to some extent as i have grown more worrisome for emma and being so far away but an overall sense of independence has never felt so good my relationship with owen has grown to a deeper level of love and with that we hang out and give each other space in just the right amounts i still do things for him and take care of him of course he lets me but i follow my own path now i come and go as i like i take long baths i pee without getting interrupted things have changed so much but sadly this newfound freedom has been felt in solitude it s not something i share and celebrate with my husband like i thought i would when i wondered what this season of life would look like man years ago we have grown apart we have both changed and stayed the same but we don t know each other anymore either way there are things deep blow the surface that have festered in me and probably for him too but somewhere recently i think i summited this feeling and started my decent because i think i am numb i am hurting but it s a dull ache mostly sharp pangs are fewer there is no consensual effort being made to unite let alone reunite the more i want things to change the more he wants them to stay the same or go back in time that statement isn t even true but i m leaving it there because it s what came to mind i personally want the love and emotion to return from our early years of marriage and when we dated but i want to live a life of middle age and empty nest together experiencing things together and living life fully and from my point of view he has everything on hold until he has the right amount of money the right credit score or the right number on the bathroom scale i don t care a lick about any of those things and he has no idea i want a relationship with him that is vulnerable honest respectful and fulfilling and for some godforsaken reason that seams more unrealistic than winning the lottery at this point i m not sure what to do i m not sure what i can do we are both tied to each other because of our bank account that s about it it s the only thing we share these days i will figure this me out i won t allow myself to live less than happy and happy does not have anything to do with money or material things i wish he knew that to this i digress i focus on me and who i am and who i want to be i want adventure and purpose loose on the purpose i definitely want to explore and experience new things that s my 2024 i just am both excited and scared what those new things will be posted by christy at 10 52 am no comments wednesday september 30 2020 life in fear living with grief is a never a choice and so it is something that you learn to live with there are many versions of grief and types of grief there are different things to grieve sometimes just change can make you feel symptoms of grief but there is no argument losing someone is the toughest grief anyone will ever endure saying good bye how you said good bye where and when you said it all moments that are etched into your memory forever thoughts that are sometimes at the forefront sometimes farther back nonetheless thought of every single day these are things i know from my own experience losing chase was the hardest thing i ever went through the terror of the events that happened the pain i felt and then seeing my family in pain it doesn t get harder than that but time does change grief it lessens the sharpness of the pain it even numbs it to the point that it s part of who you are and you almost can t imagine living without it though you would give anything to though i have felt completely sane and mentally stable i will say that i have never ever stopped worrying that i would lose one of my other kiddos i check on their breathing no matter what age they are i don t have anxiety attacks but occasionally i do panic if i don t hear from them the youngest one yes i do check his breathing much more often it s because i can t get the image out of my head i never will what death looks like last spring emma now a junior in college had a first time seizure at her apartment and her roommates helped her calling 911 and then calling me with a very clean bill of health this came as a shock but as we learned there is no predicting this sort of thing because it s something she was born with her genetics left her to abnormal brain activity only to be seen at the age of 20 sitting in her apartment diligently studying for final exams at her kitchen table when all of a sudden she fell to the floor convulsing we were very thankful that there was nothing fatal going on in her brain or heart but being told that the seizure was basically a fluke of abnormal brain activity and probably won t happen again didn t give me personally much comfort two and a half months later while living at home and working from home she had a second seizure at her desk she was on medication but had forgotten to take it i was home and found her on the floor seizing and a split second my life felt once again like that moment chase was being taken by emergency c section scared out of my mind what was going on and what was going to happen i held her and owen tried calling 911 but not before her seizure stopped and she came to we knew it was because of the missed dosage so there wasn t to do other than take the medicine loyally that was the plan until another two and a half months later when another seizure happened after another missed dose there are other factors that influenced this behavior that i won t go into because i m writing this blog post about my own personal fear not emma s mistakes though i don t feel overwhelmed with this fear i sometimes think i really am almost like a sugar addiction that i think i can easily stop but really i can t cough cough after helping her this last time and now that she s living back at school i am finding it much harder to live with this fear i ve told myself and her that i won t text her much because the act of not getting a return text from her might just send me into a panic and every time she calls me when i pick up the phone i expect to hear her frightened frail little voice crying into the phone telling me she just had another one or worse yet her stopping mid sentence and having one while on the phone with me because most of the time i am talking to her she is multi tasking so she s typing a million words a minute on her laptop finishing an email or some homework that s due and with this fear comes the images that are burned into my brain some that i ve already seen and some that i m afraid to see but i ve imagined them all i heard on a podcast once that maybe i m imagining the worst so that when something bad actually does happen i ll be prepared to deal with it i don t like that way of thinking at all and since this condition of emma s is genetic now my brain travels to my other three living children what would it be like to find them having a seizure out of nowhere and where and when will it happen every time i hear a crash or bang in the house my first thought goes there my fear continues to grow they don t consume me i still enjoy my kids and being with them and watching them grow and parenting them but what they don t know is that these thoughts are there all the time i can t stop them i pray and ask god to take care of them but i guess i don t have enough faith because i can t stop myself and i don t know that i ever will be able posted by christy at 9 20 pm 2 comments monday july 20 2020 i am still standing the cycle of grief is perpetual i knew that i knew that there would be hard times and less hard times and as from the very start of this cycle i was thrown into i knew about the paranoia i felt it in my core the paranoia that something bad would happen again but like grief that feeling cycles as well living in paranoia is a choice though sometimes that seems very unfair to say i hope and pray every night that my kids stay healthy and that i m thankful for that thus far but the moments i think about what could happen silently creep in until they become very real again on april 24th i received the call from emma s roommate i knew it as soon as i saw her name on my phone which was right next to me while i was working at my desk and i knew it was something bad i knew it right away and she said mrs pearson i think emma has had a seizure i called 911 and the firetruck is here and we are waiting for the ambulance she is okay right now she s just very confused i grabbed a few things and new where the boys were and karly and they were all okay so i got in my car and started out to boulder while still on the phone getting as much info as i could from her the emts had arrived and were checking on her i had just texted emma something mindless about 30 minutes prior and she responded she was getting ready for another online meeting she was perfectly fine and now i m shaking hyperventilating panicking crying and scared out of my mind how could things change so drastically in just an instant i knew how i knew it all too well emma had a first time seizure that apparently is genetic as her dad had had one in his teens as well never to have one again and the neurologist informed us this was likely the case with emma as it is fairly common one in ten have a seizure once in there life and then never again there is a 30 chance she will have another one at which time she will go on anti seizure meds and a 70 chance she won t ever have another one we were assured as much as a specialized doctor of the brain can do this that emma will be fine as a recommended precaution however she was scheduled for an eeg test in a couple weeks as soon as covid allowed for the office to open the results of this test however were abnormal it was deemed her sodium blockers in her brain do not behave in the way that they should and that this is just the way she was born according to the doctor this is why she had the seizure which was probably a result of some extra stress and the sleep deprivation that comes from the last weeks of sophomore year of college she had a 70 chance of having another seizure the doctor sent in her prescription and she started medication that day and we were ensured again as much as the neurologist can assure a mom who lives in a cycle of grief that with the medication she will likely not have another seizure as long as she takes her medicine twice every day for the rest of her life emma moved home she completed her finals and even started her summer internship from her home office her lifelong dream of studying dolphins in greece was granted her this summer but cancelled due to covid 19 and i cannot even imagine how that would have gone in her state had it not been cancelled there was more that needed to happen and she wasn t prepared this time with her has been so very endearing for me i have experienced so much joy with her and i struggle to find words to describe this feeling we had such a hard time her junior and senior year of high school and she grew experientially her freshman year she was well on her way in her journey with her plans all set and i settled in as her biggest fan sitting in the shadows watching all she accomplished but plans change or such is life and this spring i became a bigger part of her life again we ve hung out more times than i can count and had more conversations than i ll ever remember but i will never forget this time we ve gotten to spend together i am so very grateful for that so grateful however my wave of grief is building i can feel it gathering it s energy two days ago emma had another seizure she was in her office space working at her computer and owen heard a crash upstairs and looked at me as i walked out of his bedroom from putting away clothes his look at me was so startled i said what and he said what was that i heard noises coming from emmas room i told myself she was reacting to a phone call or email or something and probably throwing a pillow across the room or something but i still rushed to the door i opened the door and did not see her walking across the room as i expected instead i found her laying on the floor by her desk seizing i felt my blood freeze in my veins and i stopped breathing this was my first experience seeing someone having a seizure an...